• Member Since 3rd Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

The Phantom Joker


You'll Never See Me Comin'!

T

Hardly a week has passed since the Changeling Invasion when the Mane 6 and Spike are asked to investigate a strange building deep within the Nightshade Woods that alicorns can't seem to penetrate and The Royal Guard keeps getting scared out of. Inside the building, the Elements of Harmony meet a mysterious entity who calls himself Dr. W.D. Gaster, who's apparently been spying on them ever since the Mane 6 all earned their Cutie Marks at the same time, his reason being to determine if they would be strong enough to help him protect their timeline from certain anomalies that were causing various other timelines to stop, start, jump left and right, and even be completely obliterated. As a result of both Gaster's warning as well as his mysterious nature, Twilight and her friends bring him before Princess Celestia.

Meanwhile, a fifteen year old boy named Frisk exits a portal of some kind, along with his evil split personality/hallucination, Chara Dreemurr, who's eager to not only seize total control over Frisk's mind and body, but to begin his favorite pastime: genocide and destroying the timeline, a mission that only gets complicated when Frisk falls for a girl around his age named Scootaloo.

Will Dr. Gaster be able to win over the support of the Mane 6 and the Princesses, and put a stop to Chara's schemes for mass murder and meyhem? Will Frisk and Scootaloo be able to live happily ever after? Or will Chara send all of Gaia on a one-way trip to his special hell?

An Undertale Crossover. All ponies, griffons, changelings, etc have been humanized to a certain extent. Contains Dr. Gaster X Twilight Sparkle and Frisk X Scootaloo.

My Little Pony is owned by an Equine Goddess named Lauren Faust and a toy company named Hasbro.

Undertale is owned by an annoying reality-warping dog named Toby Fox.

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 29 )

7865334
Relax, I'm working on it. And for the record, this one's been in the pipeline for quite some time.

YesyesyesyesyesyeysyesYESYESYESYESYESYESYEEEEEEES!

Its good to see this back again :pinkiehappy:

...this is why i hate undertale crossovers.. cause of the gender neutral thing, I see Frisk as a girl, some see frisk as a boy, thats fine, but once they crossover without the gender neutral frisk, triggers me hard..

It's good so far, and I'm interested in reading more, but I'd like to give you some advice. You mostly use regular colors as adjectives, such as red, green, black, etc, but if you just google 'synonyms for blue,' or whatever color you were going to write down and use that instead, the story seems less repetitive. Googling for synonyms is actually a good thing to do for all words, not just adjectives, now that I think about it. And gemstones usually work well for colors if you don't want to do that, ruby instead of red, sapphire instead of blue, emerald instead of green, and so on.
You also could add on other types of adjectives to describe the sort of color it is, like bright blue, or sparkling pink.
I'm not trying to criticize your writing, because I don't believe that constructive criticism actually works, I'm just offering advice, you can take it or leave it. :raritywink:

7866244
Thanks, I'll keep that in mind, glad you're enjoying the story.

good start to a story , cant wait to see what becomes of gaster and frisk. chara can go suck a lemon (crazy basgtard that he is)

7866708
7868062

Who is the funny fucker who decided to downvote these coments for no reasons :rainbowhuh:

7870450
That's what I'd like to know. These comments aren't even bad!

7870459 probably the most unintelligent person in the World ( i dont care if that is a insult i fucking hate random People down voting for no reason)

7866244 constructive criticism only works if the person receiving it is open to it.

Okay, off the bat, we're given this.

I’d advise against asking me what “W.D.” stands for. Then again, if you’ve heard of me, you could very well already know what it stands for. All the same, do not address me as such if you want to stay alive.

Then we're told:

Please, call me Dr. Gaster, W.D., or just plain old Gaster.

:rainbowhuh: But you just said don't call him W.D.....Was there a typo somewhere?

This sentence:

Twilight Sparkle, a young woman with long dark blue hair, which had a pink stripe in it, and the image of a pink star on the side of her face wearing a purple hoodie with a black shirt underneath, blue jeans, and purple and white sneakers walked slowly through the dark forest alongside her friends, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Spike, all of whom were looking around in curiosity, suspicion and fear.

Is very much a run on sentence, and a bit confusing when you read it. This would be much better written as something like:

Twilight Sparkle walked slowly through the dark forest. She was a young woman, her long, dark blue hair accented with a pink stripe running off centered through it. The pink in her hair matched the color of the star on her cheek. She wore her usual outfit of simple blue jeans with a purple hoodie over her black undershirt. Her white sneakers quietly scuffed the foliage of the silent, looming forest as she led her friends to their destination. Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and even Spike, quietly held their breath, looking around their surroundings with curiosity, suspicion...and fear.

The difference here is I'm not cramming everything together, but spreading it out and giving it context that adds to the story.

By no means was it dangerous to the average person, hardly any hostile creatures lurked in these woods, those that did lived far from any paths a person would take.

Should be more like:

By no means was it dangerous to the average person. Hardly any hostile creatures lured in these woods, and those that did lived far from any paths a traveler would take.

Here's another thing that can be fixed.

Lighting the way with her hand, which was glowing with magic, Twilight walked along the gravel path while keeping an eye out for anything that could possibly harm them. “So what are we looking for again? We've been out here for hours and we haven't found anything!” Rainbow Dash, a young woman with cyan blue wings and a rainbow-patterned hairstyle wearing a blue jacket with a white t-shirt bearing the image of a rainbow lightning bolt underneath, which matched the mark on the side of her face, blue jeans, and black and white sneakers exclaimed in annoyance.

When Rainbow speaks, you should make this into a new paragraph so dialog is easier to follow. Also your description of Rainbow also falls into the same problem as your description of Twilight. A better way for this to be written is something like this:

Rainbow Dash complained, fluttering her cyan wings nervously. Something about this forest didn't seem right, though she couldn't put her finger one it. She pulled up the hood of her light blue jacket, covering her rainbow'd locks. She did that when she was nervous, and a little at her rainbow'd lightning cheek would only serve to drive the point home; however, the others were preoccupied with their own uneasy feelings to notice. They just passed her comment off as annoyance, which was partially true.

This sentence

“And they couldn't just send in some of the Royal Guard because... why?”

: would be better without the "why?"

Rainbow rolled her eyes and scoffed, Fluttershy, a young woman with long soft pink hair and butter yellow wings attached to her back and the image of three pink butterflies on the side of her face wearing a white blouse, a green skirt, and pink sandals gave a small squeal of fear, hiding her face with her wings.

Same drill as the other descriptions.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and scoffed as Fluttershy gave a squeal of fear. The timid woman wrapped her butter yellow wings over her face, to hid her face from the world. She was usually a bit cautious about most everything, constantly hiding behind her long pink hair, her bangs covering most her face. After a moment of realizing there was not immediate danger, she sheepishly unfurled her wings, her cheeks blushing almost as bright as the pink butterflies on her cheek.with the hem of her white blouse, eyes down cast to stare at her green skirt and pink sandals in embarrassment.

Again:

squealed Pinkie Pie, a young woman who had a bushy pink hairstyle and had the image of three balloons, two blue and one yellow, on the side of her face, and wore a blue jeans splattered with cake batter, pink and white sneakers, a blue shirt with a white shirt underneath that had a heart on it in addition to splattered cake batter.

Should be more of:

Squealed Pink Pie. Pinkie was was a mess. Literally, she looked like she was halfway baking a cake while decorating a party. With the splatters on her blue shirt and jeans and colorful confetti in her bushy pink hair, her face seemed to be stretched in a permanent smile as she bounced rather than walked everywhere she went. It didn't help that her cheek held the image of two blue balloons under a yellow one.

And again:

said Applejack, a young woman who had the image of three red apples on the side of her face with her blonde hair in a ponytail, and wore a brown Stetson hat, a green shirt, a red bandana around her neck, blue jeans, and brown cowboy boots.

Said Applejack. She had her blond hair back in her usual ponytail, wearing her favorite Stetson hat. Knowing that she and her friends might have to rough it for the day, she didn't dress up fancy. A simple green shirt and blue jeans did the trick, though the cowboy boots might have been a mistake. They were great in open areas, but in a dark forest? It seemed that she found every snag and hidden root there was to find. She gently tugged at the red bandanna at her neck, to alleviate herself of the excess heat from the walk. She wiped a hand over her her red apple adored cheek as she caught the trickle of sweat running down.

And:

said Rarity Belle, a young woman who had the image of three diamonds on the side of her face and a long curly purple hairstyle, and who wore a white blouse, a purple skirt, and black heels.

Said Rarity, smoothing out her purple skirt, which. She also took a moment to look over her white blouse, making sure that it remained unblemished from any dirt. She lightly brushed her long, purple hair that spiraled fashionably, out of her face, revealing her own cheek mark of three purple crystals. She really wished she'd reconsidered her black heels. The shoes were killing her feet, but with this outfit, nothing went better. Oh, she was truly a martyr for fashion.

And finally Spike:

asked Spike, who looked to be around the age of sixteen, and had green hair and wore a purple hoodie with a black shirt underneath, blue jeans, and purple and green sneakers.

Asked Spike. Unlike the rest of the young women, who were in their early twenties, he was just a sixteen year old boy. His spike green hair framed his face as he looked about the forest. He had his hands tucked in the pockets of his partially zipped purple jacket, revealing a black undershirt tucked into his blue jeans. He felt the hair on the back of his neck stand on end. Someone was definitely watching..or something.

Moving on.

This:

“Okay, this is officially beyond spooky now and moved right on down to freaky down,”

Should be:

“Okay, this is officially beyond spooky now and moved right on down to freaky now,”

“Okay girls… just in case whatever’s behind this door kills us, I want you to know that… knowing you girls has been the greatest honor of my life,” said Twilight, to which she earned a murur of general assent. “Okay, here goes…”

....:facehoof: I'm sorry, Twilight might say something like that, but not in this situation. That line was...preemptive, at best.

And I thought we were done with the character descriptions. Okay this:

Playing the piano was what appeared to be a man around their age with chalk white skin, medium-length black hair, and wearing a black overcoat underneath which was a white turtleneck, black pants, and shiny black shoes.

Would be better as:

Playing the piano was a young man with chalk white skin. His black hair almost hung to his chin, swaying as he played his haunting melody. He didn't seem to notice them as he played, swaying as he fingers danced along the black and white keys of the instrument in front of him. Like the keys of the piano, he was dressed in a black suit, his neck wrapped in soft white of the turtle neck shirt. Had Rarity not been fearing for her life, she would have been fawning over the smart style he wore, truly appearing, and preforming, like a professional pianist.

Rainbow Dash placed her hands on her hips and gave the man a glare hat reeked of suspicion. “Are you a spy?” she demanded.

...:facehoof: While appropriate, this meme needs to die. Once upon a time it was 20% cooler, but not anymore. Sorry, that was a personal feeling. You can disregard that, but the underlining point of bringing this up was stay away from the stereotypical statements of the characters. If you've heard that line too many times, it feels stale.

Through it emerged what appeared to be a young human boy around Spike’s age. He had a curtain of black hair and wore a blue striped hoodie, black pants and boots, and a red heart-shaped locket around his neck with an inscription that read Determination.In the boy’s hand was what appeared to be a knife of some kind.

...*headdesk* Okay, let's redo this one.

Through it emerged what appeared to be a young boy of sixteen. His hair hung as a jet black curtain. His navy blue striped covered the silver chain of the red heart shaped locket around his neck. His arms hung limply to his sides, a strange knife held tightly next to his faded black pants.

Okay, that was the last. Now time to give my opinions on this and how you can improve your writing.

Now I'm not the biggest fan of Undertale, but I've seen enough theory videos and boss battle videos to know what it's all about. I get where this is going, and this could prove to be a rather interesting tale to tell. However, your writing style is a bit...well, it can be improved, as I have demonstrated so much with your previous descriptions above.

What was my point of doing that? To show you that you can play a bit with descriptions to make them as much character driven as the character's actions. In deed, what a character looks like should be explained in the same way they would. How it clashes with somethings, or simply melts in with other things. Descriptions are very important. They make the story come alive, and make the world seem more believable. I for one would love to hear more about the forest they were trekking through to get to the strange house that seemed to always be there.

Another thing is to avoid simple action words, especially when it comes to dialog. Said is so very common that if you see it used twice in a row, it seems that the author is simply lazy. Google other words for said and for what ever action word you want to use and you'll see a lot of ways to spice up your story without much effort.

Also, after "" The first word is always capitalized.

That's about all for now. I hope this is helpful. The story seems interesting.

Comment posted by Fossil-Dragon-Messiah deleted Apr 16th, 2017

Can you do more please

did story is freaky hehe

Yay! A good gaster fic! Hope he gives somepony a good thrashing at some point

MORE PLEASE!!!:pinkiehappy:

young human boy 

I think I'm dying

“I’m not surprised by your disbelief. After all, my version of reality extends far beyond yours,” said Gaster, an amused smirk on his face. “But, let’s get down to business, shall we?”

Please tell me how often
Did I talk in that way ?

That may be a problem . , THE GENOCIDE PATH IN EQUESTRIA...

Will there be more?

9213405
I'm working on it, but I've got fifty other projects too, and a job.

9213408
Ok thank you for telling me, I understand seeing as i have a similar problem. Still, looking forward to more.

Allow me to formally introduce myself. My name is Dr. W.D. Gaster, MD, PhD, and far too many other Ds than I care to count.

:rainbowlaugh:

Comment posted by Chaos Blitz deleted July 4th

Moar.


MOAR!!!! :pinkiecrazy:

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