Artist. Designer. Animation enthusiast. Game maker. Many things, really. But aspire to be a writer as well :D
Twilight recieves an invitation to temporarily substitute one of her old teachers in the Celestia's school for gifted unicorns. Starlight goes with her, curious of what her life could've been if she went there when she had a chance.
In there, Starlight learns that the true purpouse of said trip was not what it seemed...
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Hey there! I am kinda new here, but I've got a story for y'all! This story is complete, I will post the chapters as I will edit them to the proper shape.
I strive to learn an art of writing, so I will accept any sort of criticism, nitpicks and suggestion to the heart!
I hope the story will be of your liking.
Have a great day!
Pepper Heart is the cream unicorn with the red mane, right?
You use 'has' where it doesn't need to be. For instance "Cosmos has suddenly looked Starlight right in the eyes", take the has out of that sentence and it will sound better. Here are some other instance where you can remove 'has' and still be grammatical correct in your sentence structure:
"A sound of trotting hoofsteps has echoed from the wide..."
Try this: The sound of trotting hoofsteps echoed from the wide..."
There are plenty of other sentences like this, but there is to many for me to weed out here, I would suggest as English editer, if you have a friend on this site, I'm sure they or someone else would be will to help. Now as for your story I like it and it interests me.
7380321
Thank you for your feedback! Yeah, I seem to have problems with has and stuff. And I do need an editor (:P), but I just can't find any :(
7370200
Yeah. Shes in the middle lower portion of the cover art
That was a great story. Nicely done.
7435597
Thank you :)
I had been wondering about how it was that Cosmos would have a supposedly 'contagious' illness such as, well, influenza, and yet have no issue walking out in public. Starlight caught on anyways, but Twilight is just dense bookhorse.
But holy smokes, the grammar. If English isn't your first language, you really do need a proofreader. At the very least, go back and relearn the basics of grammar like comma placement, because you're consistently making the same mistakes over and over again.
You could also cut down a little bit on purple prose. For example, the very first few lines about line refracting through crystal creating a rainbow is something that goes a bit overboard.
You could just say 'dark red'.
I'm mildly surprised that, for being a friendship problem, Twilight and Starlight didn't get sent there by the Cutie Map table.