• Published 3rd Jul 2016
  • 1,010 Views, 26 Comments

Roger is Best Pony - BlueColton



A certain alien has been living in Ponyville for a long time. A really long time. Seriously, how is it no pony has ever noticed this before? The guy's an alien in a pony costume. He can't possibly...oh wait.

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I"ve got a feeling that it's going to be a wonderful day

Spike didn’t recall much about the human world that he liked. Most of the time he kept his mouth shut as dogs weren’t supposed to talk over there. Actually, they didn’t talk in Equestria either. No pony save Fluttershy could understand them at any rate, but Spike imagined if ponies and humans could understand them they’d have a lot to say.

Aside from their human friends at Canterlot High, the only positive he could bring to mind about Earth was its food. Ponies were marvelous cooks but a bit one-sided in the meat department. Spike was a dragon, a born meat-eater. He substituted his carnivorous diet by consuming precious gems. The gems, when ground up, helped stimulate his stomach acids and provided a much-needed protein alternative. They also helped with his magic fire for some reason that he couldn’t recall how exactly. That was something Twilight had told him when he was young. Now that he was older, he suspected it was just another way to make sure Spike didn’t eat their neighbors.

Not that he thought about it.

Much.

“So uh…you live here with these ponies?” Agent Stan Smith of the C.I.A asked him as they walked behind Twilight Sparkle. Looking ridiculous in his pony getup, Stan’s awkward attempt at trotting made him seem inebriated. His “hooves” clapped loudly on the paved street. His tail, which was no more than a cloth stapled to the rear-end, flopped like some giant tapeworm with each step he took.

“Yup,” Spike answered. “Though I’m not originally from here. I was born in Canterlot.”

“Is that like a city or something?”

“It’s the capital. That’s where the two princesses have their palace.”

“Wait. Two princesses?”

“Yup. Celestia and Luna. They rule here.”

“I thought Twilight Startle,”

“Sparkle.”

“Right. I thought she was the princess.”

“We have four, actually. Well, five. You see Princess Cadence and Shining Armor had a baby alicorn and that makes her,”

“What’s an alicorn?”

“That’s what Twilight is.”

“I thought she was a pony.”

“She is.”

“How can she be an alicorn and a pony?”

Spike sighed. “Look, an alicorn is the embodiment of the three pony tribes: earth pony, unicorn, and pegasus. It’s like all three wrapped into one.”

“And you call it an al-i-corn?” Stan gargled the word in his mouth. Glancing at Twilight, he turned to Spike and said, “I would have just called it a flying, horned, horsey thing.”

“That’s not very creative.”

“Yeah but it fits. Just look at it. See? It’s a horse with a horn and wings. Flying, horned, horsey thing. A flying…horse horn? A flying horny! That’s what it is.”

“It can hear you,” Twilight growled back. Less than a day in Equestria and already this Stan Smith was getting on her nerves. Granted she’d known only a few humans in her life, but if this one was any indication about those outside of Canterlot High, she was only too happy they remained blissfully ignorant about her homeland. “We’re here,” she said.

The trio paused before the Carousel Boutique. As it wasn’t the busy season, the establishment wasn’t filled with lines of customers. Not that there were usually lines as Ponyville was a small town and half the female residents, who were the primary patrons, could have fit comfortably inside the boutique at any time.

“Stay here. I’m going to have a word with Rarity. Spike, keep an eye on our guest until I get back.” Twilight entered the boutique, leaving the two alone.

“I don’t think she likes me,” Agent Stan said. “Is it because of the licorice?” He smelled himself. “Does she not like licorice?”

“Dude, what’s with you and the licorice? I don’t smell a thing,” Spike said, clearly irritated.

“What? All I’m saying is that I smell licorice.”

“Well I don’t. Let’s leave it at that.” Spike crossed his arms and huffed. A puff of green fire escaped his snout.

Stan chuckled. “Hey that was cool.”

“What?”

“The fire thing. You almost looked a dragon when you did that.”

Spike stomped his foot. “I am a dragon! I told you that back at the palace.”

Sitting on his rump, which looked rather awkward for a two-legged creature, Stan raised his hind leg and began to scratch the back of his hear. “Look I’m not saying you aren’t a dragon. It’s just that where I’m from dragons are supposed to be big and strong. You’re small and weak.”

“What did you say?” Spike’s ire rose. His chest heaving, Spike glared daggers at the human. “I swear I’ll…”

“Hey!” Stan laughed. “You’re doing the tongue thing.”

It was true. Spike was so angered that his tongue began flicking in and out of his mouth. Suddenly self conscious, the little dragon slammed his hands over his snout. Whiffs of smoke began to seep through his claws, causing Spike to cough as he’d just shut off all escape routes for the smoke.

Stan just laughed. “Heh. You look silly.” Once he was done with one side, he raised his other hind leg and began to scratch behind the other ear. “Ahhhh,” he sighed contently.

“Me? You’re supposed to act like a pony, not a dog! Twilight said to keep a low profile.” He glanced around. Most ponies were, thankfully, too caught up in their own lives to care what was going on. If they only knew how much danger they were in, Spike thought. “That means not drawing attention to yourself.”

“Kid, you’re the only lizard in a town full of candy-colored horses. If anyone stands out it’s you.”

“I…” Spike paused to reconsider. “Well, okay. You got me there. But don’t call them horses. That’s an entirely different race.”

Stan’s eyes bulged. “There are races here?”

“Of course there are.” Spike counted down with his talons. “There’s ponies, griffons, dragons, zebras, horses, diamond dogs, yaks,”

“My God!” Stan exclaimed. “Roger could be any one of them!”

“What’s God?” Spike asked.

But Stan didn’t hear him. He began to look around sharply. “This place is a veritable buffet of masquerades.”

“Did I hear some pony say masquerade?” A melodic voice said as the door to the boutique swung open. Rarity followed Twilight as they exited the shop. The elegant white unicorn stepped gracefully towards the two males, her eyes widened at the sight of the one sitting next to her Spikey-Wikey.

“Rarity,” Twilight began, “This is my cousin from out of town. Way, WAY out of town,” she looked at Stan expectantly “uh…”

Luckily Spike was there to cover for her. “Licorice Funk.”

Twilight mouthed the words to him. Spike shrugged as if saying, “What?”

“I see. A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Funk.”

“Please,” Stan held out his “hoof.” “Call me Licorice. Or Lic for short.”

Spike slapped his forehead while Twilight gagged.

“Yes…Licorice. Let’s stick to that.” Rarity took his offer of a shake and gasped when Stan pulled her in close, studying her. “C-Can I help you?” Rarity quivered.

“Just…making sure.” His eyes narrowed, Stan looked her up and down, making Rarity very uncomfortable.

“T-Twilight?” Rarity said as she desperately tried to pry herself from Stan’s grip.

“Sorry, Rarity. You see Cousin Funk is here because he’s looking for some pony. Some pony strange.”

“Has he checked the mirror?”

“No he’s—please let her go, Licorice—he’s looking for a pony from his home town. Apparently he owes my cousin money and Licorice has come to collect.”

Stan was eyeballing Rarity, scrutinizing her the way a scientist would a new strain of virus underneath a magnifying glass. Satisfied that Rarity was who she said she was, he released her. “You’re not him,” he said.

“I should think not, sir. For I,” Rarity stepped back, “am a mare!”

“Yes you are.” Looking at Twilight he said, “She’s kosher.”

“I’m what?” Rarity asked Twilight.

“He means you’re fine. Listen Rarity, the reason we came here is because you have a discerning eye.”

“Not that discerning,” Spike muttered. How is it that his beloved unicorn couldn’t see through Stan’s disguise? Granted she’d never seen a human before but come on! The guy’s a fraud.

“Ponies come to the boutique all the time,” Twilight continued. “Ponies you’ve known all your life. Have any of them been acting strange lately?”

“This is Ponyville, darling,” Rarity boasted. “Strange is always in style.”

“Granted. But humor me.”

“Hmm.” Rarity scratched her chin. “Now that you mention it, Rainbow was here the other day.”

“That’s strange enough,” Twilight admitted. “Go on.”

“She was asking me some odd questions, like whether or not leather was in this season.”

“Anything else?” Twilight asked.

“She was looking for Sweetie Belle. She wanted to ask him about Apple Bloom’s new colt-friend, Tender Taps, was it? Yes. Though what interest a grown mare would have for a colt that age is beyond me.”

“Maybe she likes him.”

Both unicorns—current and former—gasped at Stan’s proclamation. “Now see here, Licorice. That kind of suggestive humor may be acceptable where you’re from, but here in Ponyville we would never, ever condone such vulgarity.”

“How old are you?”

Rarity’s jaw dropped. “Huh?”

“What? I asked, how old are you?”

“Cousin Funk,” Twilight said. “That’s very rude.”

“I’m curious. You all try to act mature but you sound like a bunch of teenagers.”

Spike grinned. “Technically,”

“I think it’s time we moved on. Thank you, Rarity. Licorice, Spike, let’s go!” Twilight encased the two in a magic bubble and levitated them away.

Still flabbergasted, Rarity watched them go. “How old am I indeed!” Slowly, she raised a hoof to her face and began feeling for wrinkles. “Oh dear.” The mare rushed back inside her boutique, shutting the door behind her.

“Well that was a bust,” Twilight said as she trotted away, the boys in tow within the magically-created bubble. “At least this proves that Agent Smith’s true form is invisible to other ponies. I figured if any pony could see through him it would be Rarity.” Glancing back, she saw Spike and Stan having a heated conversation. “There has to be some kind of magic involved that I’m not seeing. Maybe my visits to the human world have shielded me from whatever power is protecting Stan Smith. If he’s impervious to pony eyes, then this Roger’s as good as a ghost to us.”

Narrowing her eyes, Twilight’s ears flattened against her head. “No. We have to find him. We will find him.” She picked up the pace, the bubble following like an obedient pet.

“You know it’s rude to ask a girl her age no matter what species she is, right?” Spike asked Stan as they were carried along in Twilight’s bubble. When Twilight spread her wings to take flight, the bubble pursued, the princess making a bee-line for the edge of town where a certain cyan pegasus claimed her abode.

“I work for the C.I.A. It’s my job to ask questions.” Sitting against the inner wall of the bubble, Stan crossed his legs beneath him in Indian style. Spike was sitting the same way. It’s odd that despite their extreme cultural differences, they were both anatomically similar when compared to ponies.

“But did you have to go say it like that? Don’t they teach you tact in that agency of yours? You have to be subtle when you’re trying to find things out that no pony wants you to know. Otherwise they might catch on.”

Stan crossed his arms. “Kid, I’ve professionally interrogated religious extremists, foreign radicals, and pizza delivery boys—twenty minutes or less my ass,” he said offhandedly, “I think I know a thing or two about learning someone’s secrets.”

Spike grinned. “And yet some how this Roger guy keeps eluding you.”

“Watch it, Barney, you’re not that cute and cuddly that I won’t bitch-smack you inside this bubble.”

Spike stood up. “Oh yeah?”

Stan got up. “Yeah.”

“If you two don’t shut up, I’m turning this bubble around and going home!” Twilight yelled. “Honestly, grow up. Both of you.”

“He started it!” The opposing parties said at once.

“I don’t care who started what?” Twilight said as she came in for a landing before Rainbow’s estate. “I want you two on your best behavior. “Next to Pinkie Pie, Rainbow’s the worst at keeping secrets.” She glared at Stan. “If she learns there’s a human in Equestria she’ll probably dare you to a hoof wrestle, win, and then boast to every pony about it.”

Twilight knocked on the door. After a few moments, it opened. “Hey, Twilight?” Rainbow stepped out. “Whatcha doing in my neck of the clouds?” Rainbow reclined against the the doorframe, looking cool as ever.

“Hey, Rainbow. My cousin, Licorice Funk, has come to town looking for a friend of his.”

“He’s no friend of mine,” Stan muttered.

“You’re always watching Ponyville from the skies, have you noticed any ponies acting out of the ordinary?”

Rainbow thought a minute. “Nope. Every pony’s pretty much as strange as they usually are.”

“Has anyone ever tried having sexual intercourse with you?”

Were it not for her magic, or the bubble, Twilight and Spike would have fallen right through the clouds in embarrassment. Stuttering, Twilight lunged around. “Agent Sm…er…Licorice! That was uncalled for!”

“What is wrong with you?” Spike snapped. “Why I oughta…”

Rainbow’s laughter cut everyone off. “Well. This guy’s upfront. I like him.” Rainbow moved to stand in front of the bubble. “So tell me, Twilight’s cousin, why are you so interested in my love life?”

“Look, this guy we’re looking for, this pony, is known for being sexually aggressive. He’s not above hitting on the first piece of tail he sees, and your tail would definitely draw attention.”

Rainbow blushed slightly. “Uh…thanks?”

Has anyone offered lewd suggestions or just plain man-handled you?”

“Man-handled?” Rainbow said. “What’s a man?”

Twilight quickly placed herself between them, sweating bullets. “Heh-heh. Oh cousin, Licorice, you and your quaint un-Equestrian idioms. I’m sure you’re aware that Rainbow has never heard of that strange word you and my oh-so-distant relations love to use in that unspecified town of yours.”

“Where’s that?” Rainbow asked.

“Nowhere really.” Twilight turned to her. “And don’t look for it on any map. It’s really small…and backward,” she shot a death glare back at Stan.

Rainbow Dash took a step backward. “O-kay.” She looked at Stan. You still didn’t answer my question. Why do you care who I sleep with?”

Even trapped within the bubble, Stan Sith projected an air of authority which he now used to interrogate the wily pegasus mare. “Yesterday, did you or did you not inquire as to the whereabouts of a certain underage colt named Tender Taps while purveying the Carousel Boutique for a leather attire which I can only assume is to fulfill some pedophilic encounter with said colt?”

Rainbow’s jaw quite literally hit the cloud. Twilight looked mortified. Spike was just plain speechless.

Oblivious or uncaring, Stan went on. “Tell me Rainbow Dash, if that is your name, what do you think of licorice?”

“T-The food or…you?”

“Answer the question!” Stan snapped. The bubble popped. Stan and Spike vanished beneath the cloud, leaving a blushing Rainbow looking at Twilight for answers.

“What the hay was that all about, Twilight?”

“I am so sorry! My cousin can get a bit…insistent at times. I promise I’ll have a talk,”

“Not that!” Rainbow spat. “You just let him plummet to his death! I wanted him alive so I could kill him myself!”

“Oh,” Twilight said. “So…you’re not having an inappropriate relationship with an underage colt?”

“Of course not! I don’t even know what Tender Strips,”

“Taps.”

“Yeah him. I don’t know what he looks like. I was just asking about him because I wanted to know where he took his dancing lessons.”

Twilight’s eyebrow went up. “Why?”

Realizing she’d said too much, Rainbow looked away. “None of your business. And shouldn’t you be rescuing Spike by now? My house isn’t that far off the ground, you know.”

“Oh, right!” Twilight took off, disappearing beyond the edge of the cloud.

“What? Do they think I can’t get a full-grown stallion or something?” Rainbow turned back to her house. “I’m a sexy bitch!” She said as she slammed the door shut.

Meanwhile, Twilight quickly caught up to Stan and Spike, catching them mere inches above the ground with an anti-gravity spell. “Sorry, Spike,” Twilight said. To Stan she growled, “You are a jerk! I am taking you back to the palace and locking you up in a dungeon!”

“Uh, Twilight. The palace doesn’t have a dungeon.”

“Then find the coldest, darkest room you can find,” she told Spike, “and keep him locked up until I find Roger.”

“You can’t!” Stan pleaded. “I’m the only one knows him for who he is. You’ll never find him without my help!”

“I’m willing to take my chances.”

“Don’t you see?” Stan grunted as Twilight released him from the spell. The princess and the dragon landed a few feet from him, both offering him the darkest of stares. Wiping himself off, Stan got on his two feet. “Look, Roger is a pervert. You remember when I called him a fey, pansexual, alcoholic alien? I meant every word of it. Not only does he drink incessantly and make Andy Dick look masculine, he is constantly seeking sexual favors from everyone he meets.”

“What does this have to do with asking absurd questions?” Twilight asked.

“Because Roger will try to bang every pony in this town. It’s who he is.” Stan narrowed his eyes. “Now that I think about it, have either of you been the victim of lewd sexual advances in the past few days.”

“Of course not! Spike?”

The dragon sighed. “No.” He kicked at the ground. “Be a nice change of pace.”

“I…” Pausing, Twilight glanced at Spike sideways before turning her attention back to Stan. “I don’t think humiliating my friends is the best way to track down Roger. If he’s as libidinous as you say he is, then we just need to track down the horniest pony in town.” Twilight blinked. “I can’t believe I just said that.”

“So,” Stan said, “who’s the horniest pony in Ponyville?”

Ponies on the whole were a conservative race, coupling only with their significant others and during marriage. This is not to say there weren’t exceptions, but in a town this small a pony trying to mount every piece of tail he says would draw a lot of attention. Try as they might, neither Spike nor Twilight could think of a pony who would fit the portfolio.

“Wait,” Spike said, “You said Roger’s an alcoholic too right? We’ve got plenty of those in Ponyville.”

“Since when?” Twilight asked.

“Look, ponies like to drink after a hard day’s work. And there’s one pony who works harder than all the rest.”

The princess’ eyes widened. “You’re not suggesting,”

“She sells hard cider all the time. She’s got to have a list of her favorite customers. Maybe that will help us narrow down the list.”

Try as she might, Twilight couldn’t argue with Spike’s logic. “I guess.”

“So who are we talking about here?” Stan asked.

“Next stop,” Twilight said, “Sweet Apple Acres.”

Author's Note:

Wow! This story is garnering a lot of attention. Certainly a lot more lewd dialogue on the part of our CIA agent man. Maybe I should add a sex tag on the front page....for suggestive themes and nothing else...maybe nothing else. No sex. Maybe.

Comments ( 11 )

Yes, good. Keep going.

I fucking love licorice.
Keep going.

7381316 Thanks. I shall :twilightsmile:
7381344 Licorice is sweet.

Please tell me Roger is going to get beaten up by Rainbow Dash or at least some other pony.

The licorice thing is going to play into something soon, I can smell it... No wait, that's the popcorn I'm smelling. This is just too good. Glad to see Stan is as tactful and subtle as ever. Top notch writing, chief.

"I'M FED UP WITH THIS ORGASM!"

7382041 I wonder how many people will get that reference. Glad you're enjoying the show.

7382677 It's one of my favorite episodes. Of course I'm going to say it. With pride.

This is comedy gold already and kudos to you for capturing the personality of Stan.

Should probably mark this as cancelled.

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