"Oh...anyone get the number on that truck," I said with a groan, grabbing my head as a headache subsided. I slowly opened my eyes and was shocked. Instead of the convention, I was in the middle of a forest. "Where the hell am I? Someone must've knocked me out. Wait, where's Cece?" I looked around, but I couldn't see my sister anywhere. "Great. I'm in the middle of a forest, at night, and my sister is missing. Well, this is bad." I looked around and noticed I still had everything on me: my sword, my backpack, and everything inside. "Whoever brought me here clearly didn't understand mugging. Better for me I guess. So, might as well try to get out of here. Figure out where I am."
With that said, I ventured out into the wilderness. Though, as I was looking around, I felt...different somehow. I couldn't explain it, but I felt stronger. I didn't understand, but I didn't think too much of it. After wandering around aimlessly for about 5 minutes, I decided to stop and have a look at the sword I bought. Taking it out of the sheathe in my back, I examined the blade. It was a blade as black as night with a dark blue hilt. "Huh. Looks pretty cool. And seems perfect." After a few practice swings, I put it back and continued walking.
I sighed and looked around, noticing all the trees looked completely identical. With a sigh, I muttered, "Can things get ANY worse? ...did I seriously just ask that?" Immediately after, I heard a growl coming behind me. "Screw you Murphy." I turned around but what I saw surprised me. It was a large wolf with glowing green eyes. That wasn't the surprising part. The surprising part was that it look like it was made entirely of wood and it was at least the same size as me.
"What the hell? A timberwolf? Am I going crazy? Okay, craiziER?" The timberwolf growled again and leapt at me with its claws aimed straight for my face. I immediately yelped and ducked before it can connect. After it landed, it tried to attack again. This time, I grabbed it by its legs and tossed it through a few trees. Before I can even process that, I felt something telling to move to the right. I quickly rolled to my right and barely avoided getting torn to shreds by another timberwolf. Just going on pure instinct, I shot my hand and some white substance came out of it and trapped the timberwolf. After that, I ran as fast as I could away from them.
After I ran for a few minutes, I caught my breath and thought about what happened. "Okay, let's see. I MAY have gone more insane than I already was, but it look like..." I put my middle fingers to my palm in the usual Spider-Man gesture and webs shot out of my wrist. "Okay, I can shoot webs, I'm stronger, and if that little warning earlier was any indication, I MAY have spider-sense. Hmm, well, only one more thing I have to confirm my suspicions." I climbed a tree, sticking to the wood easily. "Okay, yup. I have the abilities of a spider. AWESOME!!!" A bunch of birds flew away from my screaming. "Oh. Hehe, should probably be careful with the whole powers thing. I don't want to be seen as a freak. I already have enough problems as is. So, on to the next subject, the fact that I just fought 2 timberwolves from My Little Pony. How does THAT make any sense. Hehe, it'll be funny if I ended up in Equestria. Well, I might as well get out of here and see if I get answers."
With that said, I web-zipped to another tree a few yards away and jumped across the trees until I heard a scream. "That doesn't sound good." With that, I web-zipped a few times to the source of the scream. When I got to my destination, I saw a pack of timberwolves surrounding people who I couldn't see due to them being in the shadows. I grabbed a rock and used my webbing to spin it around like a slingshot and flung it at one of the timberwolves, shattering it's head and basically killing it. That got their attention. When one try to pounce on me, I webbed its hind legs and slammed it to the ground. I webbed it up so it wouldn't escape, and turn to the other two. When one tried to pounce at me, I webbed it up and threw it to the other one, knocking them both out. After webbing the last two up, I turned to the two figures that had screamed, and for the fourth time today, I just stood there completely surprised.
In front of me were Apple Bloom and Scootaloo from MLP. Apple Bloom had yellow fur, a red mane and tail, orange eyes, and a large pink bow on her mane. Scootaloo had orange fur, purple mane and tail, as well as eyes, and two small wings coming out of her back. They both had near identical cutie marks of a shield. The only difference was that Scootaloo had a wing on the center of hers and Apple Bloom had an apple. Oh, and did I mention they were both anthros? Yeah, bipedal, hands, and wearing clothes.
This left me so surprised, we just stood there staring at each other for about a minute before I heard a familiar voice come from my right.
"Get away from them, you monster!"
Before I can even turn around, I felt a huge force hit me in the head, and blacked out again.
Yea the ending ruined any enjoyment I found in this. Why didn't his spider-sense warn of any danger????
7361182 Yeah, from what I know, if you don't think you're in danger, or not paying attention, you might not pay attention to the spider-sense. That, and those who have equal to or greater speed to Spidey can still hit him
7361198 I see. Thank you for that explanation.
7361221 You're welcome. Hope you enjoy my story. Already working on the third chapter, and it's already the longest one yet
When did Spider-Man ever have a a costume that was only black and blue? Will Mephisto appear in this story?
7361417 I said that it was a custom costume that's only similar to Spider-Man, and no, I know nothing about Mephisto besides OMD, and I'm not doing that
This chapter has a major problem with over punctuation and run on sentences.
Take a look though and any sentence that looks like it's too long look for a spot where the sentence would naturally end and split it there.
(The comma splices are a good place to look for this.)
It's strange that he managed to work out his powers so quickly. A few instinctual combat moves would be fine but full control immediately just seem unrealistic.
This next thing I'll say is just my opinion as others differ greatly from this but anthro Equestria is looked down on by a lot of readers.
Last not not least and I wont harp on it because it's already been mentioned by others but if his spidey-sense was able to warn him once it should have been able to again at the end of the chapter.
At this point, doesn't surprise me to see who i presume to be AJ, to knock out the 'hero'.
Also some may not enjoy how unsurprised the 'hero' is when waking up in a forest for unknown reasons but i know the 'hero' seems to have at least knowledge of canon and perhaps about displacement.
Seems fine.
7478792 well, if the spidersense works like the one in the comics, then its up to the user to act on them
I think this chapter could be joined with the first one, in order to make one single whole.
Then there is also the instant knowledge about fighting, spider-powers, and about MLP.
A justification is needed for all of this things, while avoiding the unavoidable cliché that accompanies this genre, or if it cannot, then play with it. For example, he knew of the MLP cartoon because of his sister's habits, but avoided it like the plague since it wasn't "Boy Friendly" or some thing like that. (that is one example, partially turned upside down.)
So I launch this question, as most of the same issues with the first chapter are in this one: Why not play with the trope? Insteado of the classic Everfree showdown, you could localize the story in Vanhoover, Manehattan, or even in territories outside Equestria.
Also, it is hard to believe that he'd be decked by a certain impulsive pegasus with his spider senses. It simply doesn't make sense for the story and the power you displayed for the character.
Overall, while this is a better attempt at writing a chapter, there is a certain need for "meat" in the way of showing us what is going on in the way of verbal imagery.
I'll talk to you later.
not bad. you got me.
7361435
If they were wearing clothes then how did he see there cutie marks and if they were on their clothing like in the mirror world then that wasn't made very clear.
8604158
May want to see the reply I gave to someone who asked a similar question. Short end, I didn't, and still don't, know how their marks will be shown. I just know that their marks won't only be visible by looking at their bare flanks
8604161
Why didn't his Spidy-sense tell him about the incoming attack?
8758323
I've answered this question before. Read previous comments of this chapter. Heck, that was the FIRST comment I got and replied to.
7361198
According to the source material for the powerset you've given him, Peter was able to dodge an incoming vehicle while on a date with Mary, with nothing but his Spidy-sense to warn him. Unless RD was going supersonic, before she spotted him, I call shenanigans.
8758343
*sigh* From what I understood of the spider-sense at the time, those with equal or greater speed than the user can bypass the spider-sense. And since a lot of my basic info on powers come from Death Battle when I started, I heard that it's Peter's job to react to the spider-sense. And Tito was too busy trying to comprehend the Crusaders to pay attention to his spider-sense. Also Peter still gets hit despite spider-sense.
Not gonna comment on the spider sense, as it's only really on when the user thinks they're in danger. It shows vulnerability and believability, so points there.
Show just a bit more apprehension at the whole "o hey, powers" thing. (A little mental break goes a long way)
It feels like Rainbow is going to end up being J. Jonah Jamason...
8816767
Actually, considering things like when Peter got his powers back in Spiderman 2, I don't use the whole "user must be ready for danger to listen to the spider-sense" thing. Just that Dark doesn't notice his spider-sense if he's too preoccupied, distracted, or shocked/confused, like he was in the end of this chaoter due to seeing anthro versions of Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.
-Dark
Everyone pointed out the spider sense, so no need to repeat.
Um some grammar and run ins, though FTR2017 idea of merging the chapter would have make sense in a way, though title making will be complex... meh keep it the same, since it should give new readers the idea if this story gets better later. Still better structure than Fanfic.
Question is he a fan of MLP or he bond with his sister by watching and knowing a bit of the series? Since a person would guess two things if he saw timberwolves: either he is in MLP or in a forest that is mix fictional world similar to the Bermuda Triangle stories..
8818779
I cannot answer that question now. You want it, it's in chapter 4
This is awesome Story can't wait for more and get Story tell silks
8829906
Seriously?
I like it
Wait... if they were fully clothed and anthro, then how did he see their cutie marks?
8962161
That's explained in a later comment.
Pretty cool so far, although he seems a little too accepting of his situation, either that or adrenaline is keeping his fight instincts at foremost, anyways we'll see what happens
I'd recommend getting rid of the bolded part, it ruins the immersion of the scene. Furthermore, I'd recommend, as my good friend FTR did, (seriously listen to that guy, he's better at writing then I ever will be) don't just give ANY character instant knowledge of fighting, MLP, or abilities and all that WITHOUT justification. If he knows how to fight, say he learned martial arts, or had previous experience in general. Though it'd honestly be a more intriguing choice to give him no knowledge and have him struggle through the first fight. That kind of struggle is like candy to a lot of readers, myself included. Also, if he knows MLP, say how. Also, another point of contention is how he can tell he's stronger right away. That doesn't happen IRL without, say, trying an exercise and finding you can do it much easier out of nowhere. Otherwise, not something you can just tell right off the bat., Try describing the feeling more in depth if you can, or just get rid of that bit. The instinct makes sense at least because of natural Spidey Sense, but otherwise, go slower with the fight, drag it out.
Also, something you should know about the Displaced community so you don't get burned at the stake. Avoid having your character enjoy their new powers if at all possible. If you want to do it, do it once you KNOW you can do it well. In this case, it sort of fits since he's a kid, BUT! He's a kid. that means, first fight, especially with wolves, means it'd likely be a little scary for him, even with his abilities. Think about it hard. If you were his age and just got dropped into a fight with wolves who want to EAT you, wouldn't you be scared just a tiny bit, even with weapons and powers?
I know kids his age who would freak if they were taken from their family so abruptly. That said, try to work on doing that.
As an added note, with the web zipping, I'd imagine that would take a LOT of practice. Hell, even OG Spider Man didn't get that down instantly. So, that said, make him practice it first, explain how he has trouble with it.
overprotective sister misunderstanding alert. recommended actions: 1. duck 2. run 3. fall to your knees and beg for mercy. main advice: DO NOT HIDE BEHIND FILLIES. that is all
You got Knocked the fuck out