"Tito, wake up!" Came a voice. "We're here."
I open my eyes and smile out the window. My family and I are going to a convention in Florida while we're visiting some family. Oh, I should probably introduce myself. Most call me Tito. I'm just some 17 year old who loves superheroes, video games, and the like. I'm about five-foot-eight, peach skin, brown eyes and black hair. The one who woke me up is my younger sister Cece. She's about my height, despite being 13. She has similar features to me mostly, except for her brown hair. My mom is driving and listening to the radio. She has blonde hair right now, but the rest of her notable features are identical to me and Cece. Peach skin, brown eyes, and the occasionally acts of randomness.
I turned to my sister. "I was awake Cece. Just resting."
"Yeah. That's what you always say. Anyways, what's with that suit of yours? Why aren't you wearing a mask?"
She was talking about my costume. We were all dressed for the con. Cece was dress as Amy Rose from Sonic, and my mom was dressed as Princess Peach from Mario. But I was wearing something different. I was wearing a darker version of a Spider-Man costume, with black instead of red and no web design. It was something I made myself for the "DarkSpider". Some fantasy I had for years that's practically Spider-Man, but with my favorite colors blue and black. I had almost everything done in time for our trip, but I couldn't finish the mask. It was back home, unfinished.
I sighed. "Didn't finish it sis. So I'm stuck like this. But at least I can finish it for next year."
Cece nodded and went back to texting her friend. I turn back to the window and put on my headphones and put on a few songs I enjoy, starting with "Dominoes" by Tryhardninja. I loved his songs, especially the FNAF ones.
Our mom parked the car and said, "Okay you two, you know what you're going to do?"
I took off a headphone and turned to my mom. "Yeah. We'll walk around the place, take a few pictures and maybe buy some memoirs. You got your money, right sis?"
Cece nodded. "This will be fun. And while we're there, maybe you can actually make a friend Tito," she said with a smirk.
I glared at her. "Screw you. Anyway, other than that, we'll go see a few panels, and meet back with you."
"Well then, let's go," my mom said before we all exited the car and went inside. Cece and I did what we told our mom, and bought some things with the money we got from babysitting a bunch of kids over the years. Then we found a booth that was different. It had stuff from a lot a various franchises, from Pokémon to DBZ.
"You interested in my products?" A cloaked man asked as he came from behind a curtain in the booth. His black cloak completely covered his face and his voice was rather raspy. "Ah, a young lady dressed as Amy Rose. And a man who looks like he's dressed as the Spider-Man. I hope I have what you seek."
I look at the man and said, "Not Spider-Man exactly, but not like anyone will be able to tell."
"Then who are you supposed to be, may I ask?"
I shrugged. "Just called it the DarkSpider. Practically identical in abilities and appearance as Spider-Man, except decent with a blade, and, as you can tell, black instead of red. Oh, and organic webs. I liked that from the movies."
The man stroked his chin a bit. "A swordsman, eh? And I see you're missing a mask. Hmmm....I believe I have some items you'll both like." He went to the back, possibly looking for those items.
Cece leaned closer to me. "Looks creepy."
I just adjusted my backpack and rolled my eyes. "Well that's obvious. Wonder why he even cared about my costume though. Anyway, let our mom know that we're here so she can come over. I'd say we're done for today."
She just nodded and texted our mom our location. A couple of minutes later, the merchant came back with 3 items in his hands.
"I believe these will suffice."
What he had was a hammer that look a lot like Amy's, a sword, and a mask that was perfect for my costume.
I stared at him for a moment before I asked, "How much?"
"Hmm. I'd say 35 bucks in total."
I looked at my sister and she just shrugged. We split the cost and got our new items. Cece shouldered her new hammer while I put my new sword on my back. Right when I put on my mask however, I suddenly heard a scream. When I looked to where Cece was, she was gone. Before I could call out to her, I suddenly fell and blacked out.
Ugh, the Merchant... My guys are still a bit miffed at him...
Only a couple problems I can see with this;
The first paragraph sounds like first person narration before switching to the more standard first person style.
And this. 'We'll walk around the place, take a few pictures and maybe buy some memoirs.'
Memorabilia or merchandise seem like the words that would be there. As far as I can tell from context.
Overall a nice starting chapter, if a little short.
Well this seems like a decent start. Not too long or short but a good medium to start from.
But this screams of self-insert.
I like it.
You know, when your description said the protagonist bought a mask and sword, I thought this would be a Spyder-Knight Displaced. Call me crazy, but I think that would blend really well with Equestria's technological era.
Hmm...
While I agree on Runescrypt for a lot of the feedback he gave, there is also the potential for it to become greater than it is now.
For starters, It was a nice touch to use a latino name for a change. Tito. Brings to me the image of a Puerto Rican that lives in the states with his family.
Second, it would have been interesting to see the parent's reaction to the wares that the fellow was selling - perhaps even displace the entire family in a swift move, if the wares being sold were expensive, but not excessively so that the parents wouldn't do it... either that, or the parents haggling with the Merchant.
Third, the reason it is brief is because you told too much where there should have been shown, and kept the showing to a minimum.
A bit of polish and a change for the story can actually make this an interesting variation for the genre you're aiming for.
I'll read the rest, so I can make myself an idea as to how to approach the edition and development of this story.
I hope this comment finds you in good health.
I will excuse the merchant clause due to how long ago this is, which I have to say this is nice, short, not to over dramatic, and gives some info on the people we are dealing with. However I agree on some of the comments on not expressing the mom's reaction towards this(unless you leave it as a mystery if this gets sent over or not) and would have liked a bit more in debt. However if you those type of people who like to express small bits, to ensure a better focus fine. Since personally the less is more seems like your thing at the moment. Just note that Amy and Peach have different outfits, so might want to clarify from which game series.
Now on minor stuff how dare Tito not prepare a proper mask for a spidey suit... even as customize to these two
i.imgur.com/PRnpkFG.jpg
i.pinimg.com/originals/44/37/63/443763a4e71745cd3a3850c4f9e6400f.jpg
It's a good chapter a little rough around the edges but good
That's why you never trust a shifty merchant.
I've never been to a con before but I'm seriously considering it nowadays.
also pretty good chapter so far could have been a little more dramatic but that's just me oh well.
Ooh, I bet he ends up with his sister in equestria/they meet up at some point later on!
I an the God who fallen call my name I will come to help, my name is Nox god of time