Chapter 14
A few weeks later, in the city of Canterlot…
“Yammy…”
Responding took too much effort.
“Yammy, I’m getting worried.”
Ignoring his wife was difficult, because she had ways and means. Azure could be a real distraction, if she wanted to be, and there were parts of him that would betray him if she beckoned them in just the right way. She was good at that, and Yam resented her just a teeny, tinsy little bit for weaponising her sexual wiles against him. There was just no defense against sexy burro mares.
“Yammy, this ain’t natural. A pony is supposed to live by their cutie mark. I can’t even begin to pretend that I understand, mostly because I don’t have one, but this can’t be good for you. You were born to be a detective. You were born to do good. This… this sitting around has to end.”
Sighing, Yam did not wish to have this conversation again.
“We’re broke again, Yammy. Sure, the rent is paid, but we’re out of food. The light bill is due and has a late fee. Pretty soon we’ll be sitting in the dark playing grab-ass and while that can be fun for a time, it gets old quick. I want to go out and look for work, but I don’t feel right leaving you alone in this state. This is the worst I’ve ever seen you, Yammy.”
Yam started to say something, but was cut off by Azure.
“I understand it, I really do. Every day I tell myself that you had your heart broken and you are going through a breakup. That’s why I’m not mad. I know how you feel about this country because I sorta feel the same way. This has been rough on me as well, but it is time you snapped out of it. Don’t make me be a hard-ass.”
Ears drooping, Yam settled into his chair and wondered about Azure’s ultimatum.
“Don’t make me send a telegram to my mother, Yammy. She’ll come here and sort you out.”
Wincing, Yam recoiled, knowing that this was no idle threat. His stomach lurched and he couldn’t recall the last time he had eaten. He’d been surviving on black coffee for the past few days and wondered how the coffee supply was holding out. The sound of Azure’s hoof tapping on the floor alerted him to the fact that she was ready to take action now, which meant that a telegram could be sent off before the sun set, which in turn meant that his days of existence were numbered.
“Fine, I’ll see what I can do about finding a case—”
“Great, because she’ll be here at noon!”
“What?” Yam’s eyebrow lifted a little, then a little more, and with a slow turn of his head, he looked over at the clock on the wall. It was minutes away from the noontime hour and seeing the clock made Yam’s stomach sour. In the back of his throat he could taste bile and coffee, an unpleasant taste indeed. With his eyebrow still arched and his lip curled into a sneer, he turned back to Azure and tried to project his annoyance at her.
After a few attempts, he gave up. She stood in their empty kitchen, looking forlorn and hungry. The emptiness was made worse by what the kitchen lacked; no foals scampered around Azure’s hooves. No happy cries of family and for Yam—an earth pony—this was a bad state of affairs indeed. No beans simmered on the stove, no tamales cooked, no tortillas were being pressed, and no foals skittered about begging for treats.
For some reason, Yam felt like apologising. Here he was, a stallion in his thirties, and he had nothing to show for the life he had lived. No roots had ever been put down, no sense of permanence has ever been established. The apartment was just an office really… an office where he sometimes slept. When on a case though, he lived on the road, on a train, and he stayed on the move, doing whatever it was that had to be done.
He was only ever motivated when he was desperate and in dire straights, otherwise, he was content to sit back and watch the world go by. Responsibility was something that he ran from and one of the many reasons he had ended up overseas, just allowing life to happen to him, taking the punches as they came. The time for growing up had long since passed him by and now, Yam found himself in some kind of shiftless, lackadaisical limbo.
When the knock landed on the door, Yam’s mouth went dry, but his neck went wet as the sweat poured down and the sudden sound left his ears ringing. He was in a dreadful state, he realised, the sort of dreadful state that might scare a client away. Was this an act of self-sabotage? How long had he been doing this to himself? How much of this was his fault? Sure, some of his problems came about from Azure—nopony liked an ass-fronker—but how much of this had he brought upon himself? He had friends, contacts, he had the trust of Wardens… why wasn’t he successful or at least steadily employed?
When Azure moved to answer the door, Yam cringed and whimpered.
The mare that stepped through the door had her face obscured by the broad brim of a fedora. A light silk scarf—pale yellow—was tied around her neck and her saddlebags were tough, durable, and not at all fashionable. They were battered, beaten, and scarred. The brass buckles were pitted, scratched, and dulled. Like Yam himself, these bags had seen action. Squinting, Yam’s detective eye took in every available detail of his potential client.
“Azure, so good to see you again, dear. How are you?”
Yam watched the stranger kiss his wife on the cheek—a good sign—and in his breast he felt a tiny glimmer of hope flicker to life. This mare, this stranger, she exuded kindness and good cheer. Like a stinky scented candle, she filled the room with light and pleasantness. He blinked his eyes—eyes still crusty and gritty from sleep and filth—and drew in a deep, almost shivery breath.
“I’m fine, but I’m worried about my husband,” Azure replied, and as she pulled away from the stranger, she gave Yam a pointed look. “How are you, Velvet?”
“Mad as can be and I’m not going to take it anymore,” the stranger replied.
“Yammy, this is Twilight Velvet… Twilight Velvet, this is my husband, Yam Spade.” Azure pulled away, her eyes glimmering with concern, and her long ears were held in a splayed out, sidelong position.
The mare, Twilight Velvet, took off her fedora, unwound her scarf from her neck, and hung both on a hook by the door. Turning about, she had a look around, smiled, and then, with with a dreadful slowness that Yam found unbearable, she began to approach. He knew who she was—how could he not—and he was disgusted with himself for being seen in this condition.
“I understand that you are a pony that knows how to find things, Mister Spade.” The radiant mare sat down upon the sagging sofa that had long ago seen better days and made herself comfortable. “I am Twilight Velvet and I represent the Stiff Upper Lip Society, though I am here on my own interests. I’ve come to make you an offer.”
“Make yourself at home, why don’tcha, dollface?” Much to Yam’s surprise, Twilight Velvet threw back her head and laughed, the peals of which brought him to a place he wasn’t ready to be. The sound instilled in him some much needed hope. It also brought awareness of his pain, a painful wound that was as deep—and twice as wide—as the Ghastly Gorge. For a moment, Yam didn’t know if he should laugh or cry.
Looking rather meek, Azure sat down beside Twilight Velvet and stared at her husband.
“Mister Spade, the recent events in Las Pegasus have revealed the deplorable ways that foals are treated in this country,” Twilight Velvet said as she waved her right front hoof around in a gentle gesture of oration. I would like to do something about that, but I need some help. I need… I have need of a partner, Mister Spade.”
“I’m listening.”
Twilight Velvet withdrew her hoof, rubbed it against her left leg, and she appeared to be taking her time so that she could choose her words with great care and consideration. Yam watched her, studying her face, noting the keen intelligence in her eyes. This was a mare that had raised a princess and a prince. She was driven, capable, and had to have some measure of cunning.
“The mess in Las Pegasus was made worse because of the law,” Twilight Velvet began, and her lips drew tight over her teeth when she frowned, a stern expression in comparison with her smile. “A lot of those foals were taken for day labour, and then never returned. There is a legal system that exploits foal labour. In our past, it could be argued that such a thing was needed, but now, it most certainly is not. It is time for a change, Mister Spade.”
Yam’s eyebrow, afflicted with wanderlust, took off to explore his forehead and the vast jungle of his mane.
“Foal Labour Services is a government office that is no longer needed,” Twilight Velvet continued. “Their absolute failure to look after their charges in Las Pegasus highlights the issue. Times are changing… in fact, society is changing faster than the laws can keep up. We live in an era of rapid social change and these are tumultuous times. The bureaucracy is ill-equipped to deal with rapid changes. I aim to reform the system, from within, where I think it will do the most good, but to do that, I need help.”
Azure’s ears drooped and Yam felt his heart doing the same.
“It started off as a reasonable sounding idea.” Twilight Velvet clopped her front hooves together and clucked her tongue. “Equestria was agrarian. Farmers needed warm bodies. Foals needed a home. The system was created with the hopes that the farmers would adopt said foals, giving them a home in exchange for labour. Didn’t quite work out that way, though. After the harvest, the foals were returned, because as it turns out, farmers didn’t want extra mouths to feed in the winter. Cheap labour allowed food prices to remain low, artificially low, and blessed with an abundance of cheap food, Equestria’s population exploded. It is one of the things that contributed to Equestria becoming the great country that it is today, some argue. And who knows, they might be right.”
Yam’s eyebrow returned from its sojourn and deep furrows appeared on his forehead.
“I aim to take down the entire system… I plan to take over the Ministry of Foal Labour Services, and once that is done, I will begin to institute new laws and policies as the Ministry Head. To beat the bureaucrats, I have to become one, Mister Spade, and for me to do that, I need your help.”
“I don’t follow, Mrs. Velvet.”
“I tried playing by the rules, Mister Spade, and I had my perky little backside handed to me. I was humiliated and made a laughingstock. I ran headlong into a system that I had little understanding of and was immediately drummed out. After licking my wounds for a bit, something that it appears that you are doing right now, I began to prepare. The events of Las Pegasus were the final straw for me, I am sickened and disgusted by everything that has happened, and I am ready to begin my takeover.”
“So what do you need for me to do, exactly?” Yam leaned forwards in his chair and looked Twilight Velvet right in the eye while leaning his elbow against the arm of the chair, which was leaking out its stuffing.
“Time to play by new rules, Mister Spade.” A terrible cunning smile spread over Twilight Velvet’s face. “I’ll come right out and say it. I need you for skulduggery. I am sick of losing when I try to play by the rules and be good. Being good has got me nowhere except for humiliated and shamed. My professional credibility was damaged, and that just won’t do. I am going to play by their rules, Mister Spade.”
“So, you want me to find stuff so you can blackmail them, is that what I’m hearing? You want me to go and find who is breathing down the neck of some rent colt or is cheating on his wife, so you can exploit them?” Blinking, Yam turned his incredulous gaze away from Twilight Velvet and stared down at the floor. “Is this even legal?”
“I am being backed by Princess Cadance and Princess Celestia. Neither one of them can be directly involved, for obvious reasons. It would be tyranny of the highest order if one of the princesses were caught gumming up the works of our day to day democratic bureaucracy. For the sake of unity and to maintain the fragile peace we currently have, they must continue to appear passive. I need you to gather evidence of wrongdoing, of corruption, I need you to find everything that is rotten within the system. Once I have the means of coercion, I can make the rank and file start working for me, and I can dig deeper into the system to get myself entrenched. I can take over little by little, and then when these rank and file types have outlived their usefulness, whatever is left will be squeezed out of them by the Lord Mayor, Prince Blueblood, in plea bargains to reduce their sentencing.”
“Prince Blueblood is in on this?” Yam asked and then he licked his lips, now nervous and sweating. “I’ve worked for Blueblood a few times. He wanted me to find deeds and titles and the like to settle disputes and claims. Family stuff for nobles.”
“This is the beginning of a major reformation of the bureaucracy and it is to be done from within, if such a thing is even possible.” Twilight Velvet smacked her lips, her eyes narrowed, and her concentration was so intense that her pupils became pinpricks in the dim light of the room. “You’ve proven that you are trustworthy, Mister Spade. You’ve held on to critical information that could cause quite a public upset—I know that you know about the recent coverup. I do to. It was a panicked act of desperation, and while I do not agree with it, I understand the necessity of such drastic actions, having had some experience with this in my own past.”
“I don’t know about all of this—”
“Mister Spade, hear me out. I am offering you a lifetime’s worth of work. A steady income. You will be given an apartment in Manehattan, one of the many benefits that I have to offer you. All society members have an apartment. The apartment even comes with maid service.”
Lifting his head, Yam returned his gaze to Twilight Velvet, but had trouble looking into her eyes, which was like staring into the sun. The intensity of her gaze, the impact of her emotion, it was almost too much to bear and it was a struggle to remain focused. He licked his lips, thirsty, but not for coffee.
“This feels less than legal,” Yam finally managed to say, and he squirmed in his seat.
“That is because it is,” Twilight Velvet replied. “Not to worry, I’ve been told that you will be pre-emptively pardoned for any upsets you might cause. You will also be made entirely off limits to the agents of S.M.I.L.E., who all seem to have quite a fervid interest when it comes to you and Azure. I’m not entirely certain of what is going on, but you have their attention. Both of you.”
Yam exchanged a knowing look with his wife, and saw the panic in her eyes. That panic upset him, and he knew it was just a matter of time before Guacamelee was discovered. The future beyond that point was unknowable, and for this reason alone—protection—he considered Twilight Velvet’s offer.
“I want to fight the good fight,” Yam said, his voice cracking. “I want to believe in good again… my faith… it was shaken. It felt like everything I believed in was just yanked out from beneath me. I’ve been real confused for these past few days. Weeks? I don’t even know anymore. I’ve been down here in the dark, nursing my broken heart, and it feels just like I’ve had myself a real bad breakup. You know, the kind those droopy, over-emotional, shoe-gazing drama queen musicians write those depressing songs about.”
“Well, Mister Spade, it is time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, and it is time to return to work. Equestria needs you.” Twilight Velvet blinked a few times, her eyes misty, and she had a wry, smirky smile upon her face.
Yam was inclined to say yes, not just to protect Azure and her secret, but to also force himself out of his funk. “Together, we can fight corruption?”
“Yes, Mister Spade.” Twilight Velvet nodded and her ears rose, hopeful.
“I like it,” Azure interjected. “Together, we can fight crime.”
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Next, on the Humphrey Bogart Tribute, The Zebrican Queen.
ah yes VELVET, I had forgotten about velvet, this mare will NEVER settle for a phryric victory or anything less then absolute domination of her enemies. This verse desperately needs more heroes like her
Social reforms needs two things.
A society that knows it needs to change for the better. And individuals with a concise plan of actions.
Throughout history humanity has lacked either one and, sometimes, both.
SO AWESOME!! <3 <3 <3
Also: Damn it Kudzu, now you're making me want to reread the sequel! @.@
8468412
Twilight Velvet has a boss, you know. A pony that she answers to and has carefully planned out this coup détat.
Twilight Velvet is ruthless in this 'verse.
img00.deviantart.net/5b64/i/2014/070/d/3/tomska___mrs_johnson_2_by_vonboche-d79rwe7.png
Another good end to another good story.
They've got a lot of work ahead of them...
8468448
I speak of her personally though on the subject of celestia her personality kinda "shifts" a bit from story to story, like you don't quite like how it was and changed it ever so slightly, might just be me but it kinda feels a bit "off"
8468524
She doesn't shift.
Those viewing her have different perspectives of her.
You haven't figured that out yet?
Awesome!
*starts reading A Basket, A Blanket, and a Bundle of Bills. *
Did you intentionally wait to finish this until you had unveiled the villains in other stories? Or were you not sure where you were wanting this to go, and you saw an opportunity?
8468571
Other reasons. Things happened and my muse went silent for a while.
Velvet learned from the best, she did. Find the talent no one wants or can hold onto, grip it, make it want to work for you, wield it to skillfully cut your way into the belly of the beast and then start redecorating its innards to suit you.
8468534
thats kinda a thing that very few people tend to notice
8468658
It is called unreliable narration, and it is something that everybody should be aware of.
8468747
I think you are overestimating your readers a bit
A great finish to this small portion of the weedverse. I'm starting to read the entire verse chronologically (I started reading way too late, around the time sumac came into play. then realized I was absolutely lost when I did not recognize half the characters) and these last few chapters have appeared just in time for me.
Also, I just realised. Your name, it's a pun. Kudzu Haiku. Weed poetry. I really doubt there is anything as invasive and resistant as Kudzu, and kudzu actually has purplish flowers, and has been used as a way to regenerate and protect top soil, which could be a non-magical version of what poison joke does, and apparently has medicinal uses, and is used in east asia to make tea. Did the centaurs engineer poison joke from kudzu?
8468857
Talk for yourself. This has been said so many times already by kudzuhaiku. THE READER is tasked with keeping track of everything. And since the narrator is both unreliable and in constant change from story to story, you have to keep track of it.
Personally, I love it. This, along with having an unclear timeline, gives kudzu a lot of space to work with, and the entire verse benefits from it.
8468857
Yes and no. Long-time readers have no excuse to not be aware of this with as many times as Kudzu has explained it or we've explained it to others.
Newer readers, perhaps. Almost every other story on this site is extraordinarily straightforward in its writing. Whatever the characters say is the truth of the matter unless someone/something else corrects them, almost nothing is subjective that is not immediately shot down. So it makes sense that they would be ignorant to this style of writing.
It's good to see someone come along and help Yam out of his funk (not that I blame him too much). And this story takes on a more frightening tone when I place it chronologically in The Weed'verse.
I'd forgotten he made a brief appearance in A Basket, A Blanket, and A Bundle of Bills. I'll probably have to reread the story soon. Actually, I'm way behind on a number of stories. Will be playing catch-up at some point.
This whole universe reminds me of the avengers movies where every movie has a small conection to future events in the end
8497640
For what? If you're talking about the order, I don't actually care. I'll bounce through them as they catch my eye. As stand alones they hold my interest and it's fine that why. I'm not a fan of forums.
8644389
The name I mentioned in my comment is a link, you can click it.
choose
Hey, so I have been reading the weedverse for a while and have finally broken. I wish to read The Weed and Venom Locus(?), however I can't seem to find them. Anyone willing to lend this fox a link?
8927145
Turn on mature stories.
The needs of the many must outweigh the needs of the few, or the one.
Sometimes, it sucks to be the one 
a totaly amazing story i love it.