Okay just stop and think my daughter and I were, at home then there was an explosion.
I can hear my little girl crying, I swear if I find out who did this God won't be able to protect them.
Smoke everywhere before we pass out and succumb to death, there's a bright flash of light then complete darkness.
We wake up just outside of the town of Ponyville I am a little confused but not my daughter she couldn't be happier.
I get it we're in Equestria. (my daughter's favorite show I know this, I've watched it with her) But why is she a Unicorn and most importantly why the hell am I a damn Alicorn?
RULE 63 TO SOME CHARACTERS.
This guy is not a GARY STU because he needs to learn to fly and use magic.
PLUS HE'S A FATHER SO HE'S NOT PERFECT.
OKAY!!
And besides his daughter will be better at most magic than him.
The sex rating is more due to foul language from the father but there might be some sexual innuendos between characters. There will be some slight gore.
this story is really awesome so far!
I think you mean 63. 36 is "If it exists, there's a fetish for it"... Not confusing it with 34, which is porn.
8197508 Ha Ha very funny thank you for pointing that out.
Eh. A bit of context telling how they ended up in Equestria would be nice
But aside from that, some issues with missing dots, missing commas, i think a tiny bit of spelling errors as well and sentence structure's in need of some extra though.
Other than those....
Good job. Interesting beginning
8197514 You're welcome.
So right off the bat they get sent to Equestria, tell the princess the real back story. But doesn't tell us what he did and how they ended up in the first place.
Can't wait for Bluebloods reaction when he learns this
Please forgive all the deleted comments they were from a bunch of Grammar Nazis.
Did I give you a idea
I don't want to be rude, but can you please fix your story's grammar?
8199835 Yes yes you did
Well this helps clear up some of my thoughts.
Perhaps find a friend to look over this with you, someone who you don't mind actual constructive criticism from. Someone who can tell you where wording feels awkward and needs to be redone.
Hehe I meet a few CIA agents in Washington DC. They were pretty chill with me.
Before I read this, what is the Gore tag for ? (is it jest because the die ?)
And how bad does it get ?
8200563 there will be light gore for some deaths and fights.
somehow the horse picture looks strange at least if I image it in mlp, maybe I just make him more cartoonic in my head, otherwise the picture looks nice.
Has one already done it to marry Rarity and making her a princess in a story?
It was probably just a funny gesture, but I liked his little kiss to Rainbow to defuse the situation.
Please don't make it an akward "he is the chosen one" thing.
In my opinion it was too soon for any Villain to appear, I just hope the adventures doesn'T start to soon, or that he get's enough breaks in between problems.
I hated it when one character was always crying because he was put through hell after hell, or when someone had to go to war every two chapters and at the start he was always chased by the ponies.
I would love some slice of life stuff as well, maybe some social problems. However I would love him to get a Marefriend as well.
I think I maybe even could agree to two or three Marefriends if it is your thing, mostly because I can't decide if I would like him to date a not so high and mighty Celestia (personallity wise), Rainbow Dash (even if that was probably just a comedy moment), or Rarity because I had to image her as you described a certain situation to me. (No matter if something serious or not was supposed to grow out of said situation)
For reasons I mentioned above I always wait for some not so good ideas to follow if I see a bad guy so soon, I just keep remembering all the bad authors I followed when I started to read here. When I started here I think I have read to much.
edit: I like to see characters acting different in romance than they would do normally, which means I could believe in Rainbow acting a bit more nervous around him, or even shy if she is meant to enter a relationship with him later. I don't want it to look like an harem, but I could see two or three from the main six entering a relationship with him, mostly because we know these characters already, with OC's I wouldn't like it that much without getting to know the OC.
However I normally prefer him to have one partner and I kind of hope it isn't a princess.
1. because if i understood it right he already married royality once.
2. because I don't know if you could display Celestia the way I like it (not ordering the main char around all the time or saying stuff like (I'm the princess and need to do something where you aren'T allowed or I can't spend enough time with you because I'm not willing to make time blah blah blah.)
3. I don't want you to get the idea of letting Celestia and Luna loving him both and turning it into some incest thing again.
8197705 If Blueblood is that worse here, then he maybe even tries to get allowed to marry his daugther in the future, or he is actually a nice guy, or someone with mental problems which can be nice too as a reason why he acts the way he is doing it.
I need a little help in a future chapter Grimm reveals his two powers each has its own form you must decide which two it will remember his elements are Life and Death. Please chose one for each Life will be first then death.
Life
http://img02.deviantart.net/1d08/i/2014/017/9/7/ygo__ld_saphaery_warhorse_winged_unicorn_by_arkaeldarknnes-d71zcsz.png
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/f1/dd/28/f1dd28a89011120c847aa5cfd0802456.jpghttp://cdn.playbuzz.com/cdn/6eb513d0-aa4b-47bf-829a-4cda6e203ff1/5419d0e7-a380-4737-8c50-b07fb102131e_560_420.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/3e/a2/59/3ea2598f3f783ec0f0cea1c32b4072bc.jpg
http://img10.deviantart.net/2ea4/i/2012/151/3/0/twilight_unicorn_by_cazziart-d2jhyry.jpg
Death
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/0b/a6/3b/0ba63b6f5f8a986334f682587d273f25.jpg
https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/59/2f/e7/592fe74722860a7f76541d6fab66b7a5.pnghttp://img01.deviantart.net/1541/i/2015/149/0/8/demon_unicorn_by_artofchen-d8v6qkz.jpghttp://orig02.deviantart.net/31d4/f/2012/094/e/2/devil__s_unicorn___beast_form_by_cottinfurr-d4v1xdm.pnghttps://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/fb/30/93/fb30932803928bda8ad57f6c85263c5a.jpg
media.giphy.com/media/l2JJEL1EnhkgZt3LG/giphy.gif
Just because a character learns something dose'int automatically make them a good or interesting character
img2.thejournal.ie/inline/1126932/original/?width=400&version=1126932
This GIF is what it feels like reading this story.
also
You have to be like 7 years old to be grossed out by the thought of fingering Queen Elizabeth. Implying she is younger than she is now when your doing it (or I'm just the living embodiment of a cliche lesbian)
Hello gravestone, I've heard a lot of interesting things about your story and I would like to make a fair review of this story of yours, I hope we can have a civilised conversation from here on out.
The flow of the first chapter alone makes the story feel very very rushed. And to make matters worse, how John states his life is leaves a couple of things unsaid.
For example: president from where? How old is John? How can a CIA agent whose missions can't be known by the executive leader of the country he lives in can be let go after the birth of his daughter?
If you could take your time and make the flow of the story more relaxed, not only would it add more detail to it, it would also make John Grimm a little bit more believable, approachable and relatable to other people who read this story.
Once more, the story feels very rushed. There are also a lot of easily fixed grammatical errors that will take you less than ten minutes to fix (but that is entirely your decision, this is your story after all). From how the story is progressing, you have a very good chance of making a very well written and captivating story with interesting characters, however, if you keep deleting the comments of those who are trying to help you, this story will go largely unnoticed and that would indeed be a shame.
I think this story could be a bit more, I like to think this story is pretty funny and cant wait for some more. Don't know why it has so many thumbs down though.
K...I get bad enough headaches as it is, so Imma stay away from this fic.
Yeah, you earned this down vote and have not even read the story.
*finds this story* Interesting...interesting...maybe.........ON HIATUS!!1!!! ENOPE! *runs screaming into the distance*
That last part was really sad, then the dozen hiding ponies that sprang from the ground and the words, 'stranger danger' and 'stalker alert' came to mind. lol
Honestly... a bit too fast moving chapter in some places.... like DT and SS going from worst enemies of the CMC to best friends of the CMC in like 5 minutes or less.... even with the spell showing DT her current path to hell, it wouldn't automatically result in instant best friends status just because she started crying
At best, the CMC would be friends but not quite full on friends... a tiny bit on the neutral side to begin with and later on as time passes, full on friends status.
8251445
First I should explain DT and SS are Cheyanne's friend and the CMC are her friends as well she is the center like Twilight and the Mane SIX.
As for DT's complete 180 turn, it will be explained in better detail in a future chapter. Simply put it wasn't a spell, Grimm literally pulled her soul out of her body and dragged it to hell and since death has no concept of time she was there for all eternity.
Gotta love wrong word typos, huh?
8251803
Friends?.... and at what point did that happen
It happened after what Grimm did.
Not a very good starting point for friendship. The CMC would likely still hesitate to call DT and SS their friend.
Parts from the chapter:
Seems that DT & SS were doing the usual stuff at this point of the timeline
Really? AB and Scootaloo are right there and they don't say anything? I suppose they saw Grimm coming over and stayed silent but still.
Also, how much time has passed in your "timeline" from the point of the CMC meeting and forming the "CMC" to the point of this chapter were Grimm does the "Drag a filly's soul to Hell and back" ? Months? Years?
Plenty of time in which DT & SS have bullied the CMC? How does one just erase all of that?
I'm not even sure that the CMC understand what exactly Grimm did to DT. Can you please explain, good sir?
You have not made this look good. I see too many holes in this sudden "friendship"
Not sure if I said this already, but this was moment where I totally liked a embrassed Twilight romance story. Where she does that rechearch stuff again, about how to date properly and being prepared as possible.
uuuuhhhh I just hope they aren't the "I sleep with everyone as long as it helps me with my estrus" kind of ponies here.
Before I see it in this story, I hope everything he is doing he does because he wants to, not that Celestia is forcing him into a live as a prince that works non-stop.
That's kind of alright, but she already tries to make him protect the others, even when he just arrived and everything, it seems to be to soon.
I say it again, please don't make them to want to fuck everything that has the right equipment. I hate it if they act like they don't even respect themself enough to choose someone they really like.
I maybe don't prefer love at first sight either, but I hope if something like a herd happens, that it means something to them.
Honestly I prefer it if they do stuff without worrying to mess up the timeline, like letting someone suffer because they don't want to help (timeline).
This is nice, in every story the ponies can't bow deep enough down into the dirt and here they are just polite it seems
Does he just wants to tease her or is he really like that? Before anyone says anything, I have nothing against the sex topic, but I never believed into those relationship with more than one partner and I only got used to herds with 4 partners till now, where they "really loved each other".
I'm a little bit confused about how that works there, I mean in a way he is more affectionate then he probably would be as a human (even if it looks nice), then Twilight seems to fall in love awful quickly, with isn't that bad either, but together with the estrus this looks weird to me.
However if he starts a herd I would totally love to see Mrs. Harshwinney in there, as some kind of joke but also as a serious relationship.
I mean her fool mood could probably anger the others but maybe she isn't even trying to be mean and would slightly act different around Grimm since he could understand her better.
I really hope he isn't some kind of "player" or how you say it in english. Someone with the focus on the girls in a certain way. I just hate those personality, maybe because of some guys I know.
Well everything comes from what you see and learn.
Okay I'm honest, I like the idea with Chrysalis.
edit: I feel like I should explain this more. Maybe it isn't always meant as bad as I think it is, but I believe that maybe it would have to be explained or shown that Grimm loves someone or why he exactly wants to have so many and probably still loves them.
Not sure how to explain it, but even if the lands where it is allowed it always looked more like the woman where some kind of uuuuhhh trinket.
I just wish to see that he really likes the Mares he should choose.
Now something else that doesn't has to do with my point of view on the herd matter :
Maybe you don't let him just have all of the main six? I mean of course I have my favourites, but that would be somewhat to typicall that he gets them all, or actually loves them all.
I would rather love to see him choosing maybe just the half of them and finding some others as well. However I hope that his herd stays manageable and that if he really thinks he needs to get laid by both Luna and Celestia, that he doesn't turns it into a incest thing.
Yes if a main char human or not marries Celestia he often get's Luna as well and more than half of the time they have to sleep with each other as well. I just hope he is not just choosen by them because he is the only Alicorn Stallion and that he maybe doesn't choose them both.
I kind of want to avoid all that typical stuff and maybe a little bit a possible harem.
Now I maybe should mention some of my personal favourites for that possible herd, of course I know you won't do it exactly like that.
Fluttershy, Twilight,...hhhmm Rarity?, Derpy, Mrs. Harshwinny, hhhmmm Luna, Chrysalis, Bon Bon? maybe even without Lyra for once?, Carrot Top? (somehow she seems to be in every herd and only in herds), Tree Hugger, maybe that Dragon Lady...Ember was it?, yep that is it for now.
Can you please make more of this story. It's actually interesting and I was hoping to read more of this.
I deserve the cookies
I figured it out I know who the grandfather is and I know who the mother is
I will not say if you haven't figured it out from all the clues so far something wrong
anyways love the story good job keep it up see you next chapter
Love the fic and...
8199835
Wow almost same pics...
Not anymore