• Member Since 11th Mar, 2012
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GaPJaxie


Sequels1



Comments ( 191 )

Yes! Another one of the actingverse stories! I love these. Now Pinkie Pie is here! YES!

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Tell me what you think! :D

This might just be my favorite in all the Actingverse. I don't know why, it just is. Excellent work :twilightsmile:

Okay, so a few things about this.

1. Pan Flash isn't a very good name as far as immersion goes. I mean, who thinks that's at all a good idea to name their kid? Might as well name her "Fifteen Minutes" or "Momentary Fame" or something equally unflattering and get it over with. Nobody is going to give their kid a name that means their life will peak and immediately burn out and go downhill from there.

2. The story itself isn't bad, but at the same time, it isn't great. I read through it and just kind of went, "So I guess that happened," and will probably forget it in a day or two. Part of that is probably in part because it feels so contrived and forced. Pan Flash is sad because she's supposed to be sad. Barnstorm shows up to comfort her because she's supposed to comfort her. Pan Flash allows herself to be comforted because she's supposed to be comforted. All of this happens because the story demands it, not because it's how people would naturally act.

3. All of these stories should rightfully be collated into a single one because they don't do enough to differentiate themselves. The arcs are short and honestly feel like individual chapters in a longer work. I won't say this is what you're doing, but it seems like you're trying to get a whole bunch of popular little stories rather than one big one.

4. There are a whole bunch of mistakes with punctuation and dialogue formatting throughout the entire work. If you don't have an editor, then I suggest you get one. If you do have an editor, I suggest you fire him or her and get a new one, because he or she quite clearly let you down.

This is probably my least favorite of the Actingverse series, so far.

And before I begin, it's mostly my least favorite because the others were just way more entertaining to me.

Each of the other Actingverse fanfictions had something amazing and humorous that would make it an unforgettable story. Yet, this one was just kind of bland.

Nothing really stood out that made me love it like the others. It was just:

Pan Flash feels bad. Pan Flash and Barnstormer argue about Flash's feelings. Pan Flash and Barnstormer make up, in a way. The End.

I really like this story, I do. But that's about it. I like it.

Can't wait for that Rarity one, though! :raritywink:

I wonder how many seasons the actingverse friendship is magic covers so far? Pan said she got her mark and her job at fifteen and is now seventeen so presumably there have been two or three but barnstormer was watching a season five episode last time.

Sounds like first take is just as much of a diva as rarity and less pleasant on top of it. I might have a faulty memory but I think it was hinted she might have a drug problem earlier.

It was pretty good, but IMHO not up to the previous entries in this series. It just doesn't feel like anything really happened. The previous one had a somewhat similar problem, but I felt that it was more appropriate there, as the whole point of that story was how Barnstormer felt she was wasting her talents and not doing anything. Having nothing happen in the story is thematically appropriate. Here, Pan Flash is worried about the future and what's coming up, how right now is the only time in her life that things will be happening. There weren't really any amazing revelations or really unexpected ways of looking at the world. She feels a bit better, but there weren't any unexpected twists and turns. The biggest thing was the accusations aimed at Barnstormer, and we already got a good portion of that from her story. And Barnstormer just sorta went 'yep', so there wasn't even any real conflict there.

This felt more like a setup chapter than a story in and of itself. And it certainly is making me look forward to First Take's entry. But taken as a full story, I feel as though this one fell short. I didn't really enjoy Star Power's that much either initially, but that one is much better now that I can see all the foreshadowing it set up about the world and the other characters.

That being said however, don't take this the wrong way. I enjoyed reading it, and it's quality writing. It got my thumbs up vote, and I'll definitely read the next entry in the series.

Also, I noticed a typo:
>You got to jail for assault

This is the story I was waiting for, and you didn't disappoint.

I had a feeling Pinkie's actress was a tortured soul, but this really put it in perspective.

I love how you've given each of the actresses such three-dimensional, distinct personalities, each so far removed from their on-screen personas. Now I'll have a hard time looking at the episodes without remembering these tales, but that's not a bad thing, far from it!

I imagine this is how it really is with real actors. I don't pay much attention to Hollywood gossip, but I've heard enough of actors' off-screen problems to know the world portrayed here isn't that much of a stretch. Did you study real actors' lives as inspiration for these tales, or is it all organic? In any case, thanks again!

P.S. If First Take is that much of a bitch, she might just take the place of my "least liked actress" from Deep Cover. But I doubt it. First Take sounds spoiled and self-centered, but she doesn't seem manipulative. I still don't like Deep Cover.

Poor Pan Flash. Sometimes being named for your destiny really does suck.:pinkiesad2:

I'll be honest. I don't really like these. I don't know why. Maybe it's just the thought that the characters we all love are just actors? It kind of takes all of the magic out of it. =/

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Re:1) Pan Flash could also name a photographer or (less likely) a chemist.

Fireworks get that one big bang, and then the spent fragments fall back down to earth. Of course, there's always more than one way to read a cutie mark, especially when the talent's unclear. Still, it can't be easy to be the worst actress in the main cast, especially when some of them are... less than polite about it. At least there's a wunderkind with ice cream and a sympathetic ear available.

Still, there's an interesting bit of cognitive dissonance on display:

I didn’t stride onto the stage and feel like, magical butt mark of destiny, I got this. But just for a little while, I felt like… a magical creature, I guess? Like we all pretend we are.

Granted, Pan Flash is a lot less magical than Pinkie Pie, but still, hip-mounted personal iconography appearing out of nowhere seems pretty magical to me. Though I think I know what she meant.

In any case, another enjoyable look into this universe, and behind the cheery facade of someone with incredible luck, good and bad. Thank you for it.

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With regards to point number 1, remember that this is a couple who thought it would be a good idea to name some of their children Lint Trap and Grease Fire. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have kids. Some just shouldn't be allowed to name them.

I'm in a bit of a hurry at the moment and so might not have as many comments as I otherwise would have; sorry.

"the rest of the way into the door"
"doorway"?

"in the war or something?"
There appears to be a missing quotation mark there.
Also, huh. There's some unexpected worldbuilding. :)

And, while I'm still in a bit of a hurry, I enjoyed the story. :)

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I agree with you on that. I tried reading first one and I couldn't get through it because it seemed unappealing.

She paused a moment, the two of them looking at each other head on. “Do you uh…” She coughed. “I mean, if you can pencil it in. Do you want to like… hang out? Sometime?”

Did...did Pan Flash just hit on Barn Stormer in the end
or is that just me thinking about it to hard

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Then the story did a good job then?

Why aren't these all one big story? It seems more than a little pointless to keep posting them as individual one shots. Now, onto the actual story. Good job, you actually managed to make it relevant that these ponies are actors, unlike Deep Cover, Butter Up, and Barnstormer. It also isn't trying to be overly philosophical. So those are both good things, I guess.

As for bad things, well...Barnstormer is still the biggest issue. I see that you tried to address the fact that she's a Mary Sue, but just pointing it out doesn't actually fix the problem. She's still a Mary Sue. She's still far too perfect, successful, and good at everything, including comforting other people. She has no flaws, and she doesn't have much of a unique voice or personality. She's the very essence of a boring self-insert-type character.

Similarly, Pan Flash is a completely one-note character. She's sad for the sake of being something sad for Barnstormer to comfort and look good next to. This is her story, but she doesn't take centre stage at all. She mostly talks about other ponies, and, like Barnstormer, she doesn't have much personality or defining character traits. She's just really, really boring, and because of that, I couldn't get emotionally invested in the story at all. I didn't care that she was sad, or why.

Honestly, the characters are the worst part of this story. I was less focused on them, and more focused on the strange world-building going on in the background. It's very unclear how much of the show is based on 'reality' so when you dropped random things like pegasus eugenics caused by some war, I just got really confused. Fuck these boring actors, I want to read about that. It really isn't a good thing when your reader chooses to ignore your characters and central plot point in favour of a small hint you dropped in the background.

Pan Flash is kind of a bitch... But you know what? She's the one that I'd want as a friend.

5 kids with higher learning possibilities? Dayum, parents should be proud.

Looking good so far. Reviewing the thoughts assembled by readers in this thread already, I say it's best to throw out the ideas that Barnstormer's a Mary Sue and needs to be fixed, that it all needs to be one story and one submission, and that this isn't how real people act. Common case of people ranting about their biases and own personal opinions (and shortcomings) yet pushing them forward as if they were fact. You are doing alright so far, so keep it up.

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I thank you for your criticism of my criticism! I'll be sure to keep it in mind when providing criticism in the future!

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It was very constructive, wouldn't you say?

7340858 We're all waiting for your compelling counter-argument, bucko.

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It's because Pinkie Pie is just so cute!

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"Go ahead and disregard all the advice people have given you to avoid looking like a pretentious bastard. You're better off looking like a pretentious bastard."

When someone tells you to ignore someone else who is giving good advice, they're usually the ones you should ignore.

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1. Pan Flash isn't a very good name as far as immersion goes. I mean, who thinks that's at all a good idea to name their kid? Might as well name her "Fifteen Minutes" or "Momentary Fame" or something equally unflattering and get it over with. Nobody is going to give their kid a name that means their life will peak and immediately burn out and go downhill from there.

It compares favorably to "Hayseed Turnip Truck," "Spoiled Rich," and "Svengallop." Though I'm sorry to hear it didn't agree with you.

2. The story itself isn't bad, but at the same time, it isn't great. I read through it and just kind of went, "So I guess that happened," and will probably forget it in a day or two. Part of that is probably in part because it feels so contrived and forced. Pan Flash is sad because she's supposed to be sad. Barnstorm shows up to comfort her because she's supposed to comfort her. Pan Flash allows herself to be comforted because she's supposed to be comforted. All of this happens because the story demands it, not because it's how people would naturally act.

s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/b6/21/14/b62114353ca92391de9ff8a4d212f616.jpg

3. All of these stories should rightfully be collated into a single one because they don't do enough to differentiate themselves. The arcs are short and honestly feel like individual chapters in a longer work. I won't say this is what you're doing, but it seems like you're trying to get a whole bunch of popular little stories rather than one big one.

This is probably true. The first one was a one-shot, with no plans for a sequel. Then I got badgered into doing a sequel, which was in a distinctly different style, so it was it's own story. And it just rolled from there. The series is almost done in any case.

4. There are a whole bunch of mistakes with punctuation and dialogue formatting throughout the entire work. If you don't have an editor, then I suggest you get one. If you do have an editor, I suggest you fire him or her and get a new one, because he or she quite clearly let you down.

More rigorous grammatical editing never hurts, and there is potential room for improvement in that regard. But you went from merely noting the mistakes to insulting my editor, regrettably forcing me to reply thus:

pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw7744_small.jpg

You make me do this.

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I'm sorry to hear that you didn't enjoy it as much as the others! It is, admittedly, much more a pure character piece, with fewer dramatic events and revelations to hold it together. I can see how that would make it relatively dull for many people, though I did enjoy the chance to explore Pan Flash's character, and I hope you enjoyed her portrayal at least.

First Take will, naturally, be somewhat more spectacular. Rarity is such a drama queen.

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Yup. Butter Up referred to her as the "pill popping basket case."

And, it's covered all the seasons. In this universe, they shoot two seasons of the show a year instead of one. So six seasons occurred over three years.

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So, you did have an editor. I don't believe my words should have insulted anybody, so I'll break down my thought process to make it more clear where I'm coming from. This work was given to someone so that they could catch and fix mistakes. There are still mistakes in the story, and very simple ones at that. As such, there are two likely possibilities that come to mind:

1. The person editing this work missed those mistakes and gave it the "all clear".
2. The person editing this work caught those mistakes and noted them, but for some reason or other they were never fixed.

Of the two I'm inclined to go with the former because not fixing such clear-cut things when they're pointed out is just silly in my mind. Why am I insulting the editor, then, when I point out that the editor did not catch the errors and thus let you down?

Thank you for responding to the criticism, by the way.

Not being a follower of this particular story series (actingverse?), I'm probably putting my foot in my mouth. that said:

Just one more for the main six to go. Then perhaps side characters like Spike, Celestia or whoever. I've seen this stuff in and out of the feature box regularly. It looks like it's got a nice following and some fairly original ideas. I wish it well.

(edit: PS: I like your avatar picture. Kudos to the artist.)

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A.. good job on a "bad" perversion of characters people have grown to love, if that was the intention? Sure I guess. It's not really for me then.

I just find it on the same shelf as Derpibooru's mouthpieces where people take established characters and make them say what they wouldn't believably say ( Bronies are gross, Hate white people, Men cannot be raped, Etc ) based on personal agenda, Or Clint Eastwood being a ballerina princess in Narnia. It's just nonsensical and out of place in an, although maybe amusing to some, off putting way.

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Typo corrected!

And I'm sorry to hear you didn't enjoy it more in it's own right, but I hope you'll enjoy it as a setup to the series finale. :)

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Can't really agree with the mary sue judgment entirely, because there ARE people who exist like that in real life. Heck, I'm related to people like that. There are people who are just, for lack of a better way of phrasing it, good at life. Intelligent, almost always successful in their endeavors, charming personalities, etc. What makes a character a sue isn't what they are capable of, but how the world reacts to them, and at the very least the story acknowledged the resentment that can build towards people like Barnstormer. It's not perfect, but I don't really get the OP SUE NERF NOW sentiment strongly.

That being said, can't really say I overly enjoyed the story. This is pretty much just a 'real life' setting painted to look like ponies, and I'm honestly not overly attached to any of the characters, or particularly astounded by any of the philosophy. I get plenty of real life when I'm not at the computer, and this story just doesn't deliver anything new or particularly interesting to me. I've seen plenty of stories where each chapter is a character making a speech about their philosophies, or a bunch of emotionally damaged people do emotionally damaged people things, and without a cohesive narrative tying it all together, it just strikes me as a series of somewhat tired vignettes that happen to feature the same characters doing things I've seen in a million other stories without anything to truly set them apart. The most I can say is that the story is functional, but lacks flavor or uniqueness. I can't even say that the whole 'these are the actors of the show' thing brings either of those to the table because it's just used as an excuse to build up a world that literally everyone is already familiar with because it's reality with a few names changed.

Also, the stories would be easier to track if they were all together, but it seems that ship has somewhat sailed.

"Pan Flash," yes. As in "Flash in the pan." I thought you were going to go there, and I was right.

And playing Pinkie Pie would be the most difficult role for a Pony's sanity.

Two ponies sit in a room and talk about issues that the majority of a pony fanfiction audience won't sympathize with or be invested in.

The punchline is that that's been the plot synopsis for this series since Deep Cover.

Honestly, I do want to like this chapter. There's honestly a lot to like. The whole sob story of Pan Flash's family life is a very effective punch to the gut, and probably the closest you've come to making the issues of A-list actors relatable to the masses. I certainly found myself caring about their problems, though I'll admit it may have been ruined slightly by the fact that it's basically impossible not to imagine the Pie family and not Pan Flash's family. That last one's on me, though.

Also, it seems you did take at least part of the criticisms of the last part into account, as Barnstormer is written much more as a down-to-earth, flawed horse. She's honestly pretty bad at the whole pep talk thing, and really is only effective because the story says so. However, you seem to have been driven to overcompensate, breaking immersion with a frickin' sledgehammer by taking small breaks at least three times in the story for Pan Flash to insult Barnstormer's perfection and call her a Nazi.

In fact, if one combines the almost-relatable backstory, the willingness to fall into sobbing at the drop of a hat, the non-stop lambasting of apparent perfection and the random accusations of fascism, Pan Flash could be interpreted as a seriously flawed attempt to write the Internet as a character.

But that would just be petty.

On the more general level, the story doesn't really go anywhere, but that's not really new. The introduction of a pony world war sometime in the past is almost an interesting bit of lore, and I like the comparison you drew between Deep Cover and Butter Up.

Overall, this performs better than the previous entry. Good job.

7340978
That's the most useless statement I've seen in a while, because it's predicated on knowing the advice you're being told to ignore is good and if you already know that, the rest of it is completely unnecessary. You might as well say "Well, if someone's giving you bad advice, their advice is bad." Not helpful one bit.

7341081 While it may be true that such people do exist in real life, they are few and far between. That shouldn't really be used as an excuse for an uninteresting character. Pan Flash does resent her, but she gets over it too quickly and Barnstormer doesn't react to it like an actual person would. She's just kind of like 'Yep' and that's it. There's absolutely no realistic reaction to it—from either of them. At the heart of the Mary Sue problem is that the character's flawlessness leads to them being uninteresting, and that's exactly what's happened here. Even when Pan Flash insults Barnstormer, she doesn't react in an interesting or realistic way, and so I find it impossible to get invested in the story.

7340368

It really does.

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This is the story I was waiting for, and you didn't disappoint.
I had a feeling Pinkie's actress was a tortured soul, but this really put it in perspective.
I love how you've given each of the actresses such three-dimensional, distinct personalities, each so far removed from their on-screen personas. Now I'll have a hard time looking at the episodes without remembering these tales, but that's not a bad thing, far from it!
I imagine this is how it really is with real actors. I don't pay much attention to Hollywood gossip, but I've heard enough of actors' off-screen problems to know the world portrayed here isn't that much of a stretch. Did you study real actors' lives as inspiration for these tales, or is it all organic? In any case, thanks again!

I'm glad you liked the story! I hope you'll like the finale just as much. And no, I didn't study any real actors for this, though it is based on a number of real events in my personal life, and in the lives of those around me. :)

I do like this one, seeing as how I can identify with Pan Flash (rather mediocre, unsure what to do with themselves, feeling like a side character in the story of their own life, and a seedling of resentment to feeling tied to their family), but I will have to say that this one did not feel as...immersive?...as the other two.

Not saying it was bad, by any stretch of the term, just not as engaging.

Also, maybe it's just me, but I am not seeing the whole "Barn Stormer is a Mary Sue" argument.

Sometimes there are people out there who are, in fact, just that good; how they act and are treated is what makes the Sue.

7340858

I am glad you enjoyed it!

7340858 So your advice is to...not listen to advice? But then how is the author supposed to listen to you?

Pan Flash sounds like a pony who keeps misfiring a musket.

7341115

soooo you're saying that making multiple stories that could have been chapters of a larger story and a character having the qualities of a Mary Sue is a good thing to do?

Everyone is so smart and eloquent in these stories.

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7340908

Holy shit I should have brought my fries. I didn't know there'd be this much salt. (Actually, Mesa, if you're not being a sarcastic ass like most people I've met then I apologize.)

If any of you are allowed to have an opinion (even though you push it as fact and wield it like a fucking club) then so too is anyone else. The bits of advice from people I highlighted (the rest was fine!) if listened to, essentially amounts to "You wrote these stories wrong, also you failed." if accepted as legitimate criticism, which I do personally do not. So far those bits I pointed out are personal opinion on aspects of the story or its submission status being sold as 'issues that must be changed'.

What I said stands. The story, like the preceding stories, is fine. When giving constructive criticism point out things that are OBJECTIVELY WRONG, that can be improved because they are visibly lacking. Don't look at the author's vision and go 'I don't agree with this so it's not only wrong but I'm going to present it as though everyone's supposed to agree with me.' because that's what I've been seeing this story's comments and the last, which honestly amounts to bullying. If you're just bellyaching then state it that way, argue with the author in a civil manner about why you don't like something, but don't present it as fucking fact.

7340978

YOUR post says the author looks like a pretentious jackass unless he makes all these changes people are telling him to make which is not remotely true and reflects more poorly on you than it does the author. That, frankly, should disqualify you from being considered remotely in the right or having the slightest bit of credibility and decency. Also, just because you agree with advice does not make it good advice.

7341018 "...Then I got badgered into doing a sequel..."
Yes, but they were *quality* badgers, raised in only the finest badgertoriums. We are proud of our badger quality. After all, we managed to get Fluttershy replaced by a Sherman Tank, and someday we'll get Estee to write another story about Princess Pupa.

“Do you want a hug? Or something?” - Yes, we have found something Barnstormer is *abjectly* bad at: sympathy.

I really liked this story. I think the best part is actually how the two interact together once they get going. Yes the Dash actor starts off being oh so perfect but the Pan Flash really makes some good points and I think they make a great duo. Many of the "problems" that some have said can be easily fixed by having more story and giving them more time to interact because the longer they went the more organic it felt.

It also felt like Pan Flash has a thing for Barnstormer which would be cool with me because it seems to work for me.

7341047

I'm glad you enjoyed! And all credit for my avatar picture goes to Cold in Gardez.

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