A Giant Huntsman Spider Scares Ponies
A Giant Huntsman Spider Scares Ponies
The dream ended, and Princess Celestia opened her eyes. The night was almost over, she knew it. After thousands of years of doing the same job every day, she had developed some sort of sixth sense which warned her when the time of raising the sun was near. It was like having a silent clock alarm inside your head.
In a moment, she would have to raise the sun and replace her sister as the watcher of Equestria. But she still had a few minutes left, and she was very tired. The party after Cadance and Shining Armor’s wedding had been marvelous, but also exhausting.
The light of the almost hidden moon was entering through the window, illuminating the room and coloring everything in a silver tone. Celestia closed her eyes again and rolled in her bed, comfortably wrapped in her warm blankets.
Then, she opened her eyes once more, and she saw, in her pillow, right in front of her nose...
Boo.
The Princess screamed with all the strength of her lungs and jumped out of the bed. Bad move. The enormous spider was startled by the noise and sudden movement of the blankets, and it started to run through the entire room at highspeed, moving its crab-like legs in a way that made Celestia scream again.
Immediately, two unicorn guards entered in the room.
“What’s the matter, Princwhoa!”
Celestia jumped at the arms of the guard, who couldn’t cope with the weight of the much bigger alicorn (we’re not implying that the Princess was fat) and was squashed under the royal body.
“Is there any problem, Your Majesty?” asked the second guard, while his companion was trying to come out from under the Princess.
“S... s... spider!” said Celestia, pointing at her room with a trembling hoof. “Big... Scary... Spider...”
The second guard took a look inside the room, but he saw nothing.
“It must be under the bed...” said Celestia, still shaking of fear.
The second guard sighed, incapable of ignoring the surrealism of the situation. After all, it was a goddess being afraid of a spider. And, although she had said it was a big one, the guard was sure that the Princess had exaggerated.
So, he looked under the bed.
“Don’t worry, Your Majesty, we’ll take care of HOLY F@&%K!”
The second guard retreated. The spider came out from under the bed, and the first guard, who had finally freed himself from the pressure of Celestia’s rear, saw it and became pale.
“What is that thing?!”
“Who cares?!” shouted the second guard. “Retreat! Retreat! Protect the Princess!”
The two guards took the Princess outside of the room and closed the door. They waited a few minutes, panting.
“Ok...” said the second guard. “It’s trapped. It can’t reach us now...”
“What do we do now?” asked Celestia.
“We... We’ll take care of this, Princess,” said the first guard. “You go raise the sun.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. We just... we’ll just need all the weapons in the royal armory.”
On the other side of the door, the spider had decided to abandon the room through the window.
***
Luna lowered the moon, and the silver satellite hid behind the horizon. A few seconds later, the sun appeared. The night alicorn smiled, knowing that her big sister was now protecting Equestria, so she returned to her room in the highest tower of the castle.
She flew through the window and landed gently in the floor. She yawned. It was time to get a well-deserved nap. Luna went to the bathroom to brush her teeth. She opened the mirror door of the little cabinet above the sink to pick the toothbrush and the toothpaste, and when she closed it, she saw, attached to the reflective surface...
I’ll swallow your soul.
***
Sitting on her throne, Celestia took a deep breath of air. She was feeling much better, she had even erased from her memory the unpleasant sight of a spider with a 30 cm leg-span in front of her face. The Princess was sure that her loyal guards would have solved the problem already, so she could stop worrying about that and focus on attending her beloved subjects.
But then, the two guards entered in the room, each one wearing a thick iron armour and carrying several sharp weapons.
“You tell her,” whispered the first guard.
“No way! You tell her!” said the second.
“Hey, remember that you still owe me one for what happened on Las Pegasus last year!”
“Ok, ok, I’ll tell her...” the second guard approached the throne. “Your Majesty...”
“Yes?” asked Celestia.
“Well... you’ll see... We searched everywhere in your room... but we couldn’t find the spider.”
“What? Are you telling me that it went somewhere else?”
Then, Luna entered in the throne room, screaming just like her big sister that same morning, and followed by her two bat-winged pegasus guards, who were as scared as the night alicorn.
“Kill it with fire!” shouted one of them.
“We don’t know if fire will work!” replied the other. “Look at the size of that thing!”
“Sister!” Luna jumped at Celestia’s lap, like if she was a little filly again. “Spider!”
Celestia’s eyes shrank. No, it couldn’t be...
Alerted by the commotion, the other guards at the throne room formed a wall before the door which Luna had come through, prepared to fight whatever creature was pursuing the Princess of the Night.
And then, it appeared...
The asteroid didn’t kill the dinosaurs. I did.
“@&%#!” exclaimed one of the guards.
“It moves!” screamed other. “Holy Hoof, it moves!”
“Retreat! For the love of Pete, retreat!” shouted other.
"It’s looking at me! Dear Clover the Clever, it’s looking at me!”
“I didn’t become a guard to fight a thing like that!”
“We need Shining Armor! Call him back from his honeymoon!”
“Forget the Captain, bring the tanks!”
The spider advanced one centimetre.
“%&#@€=!”
“Use magic! Blast it to oblivion!”
“I can’t concentrate! Those legs will appear in my nightmares!”
“Sergeant, kill that abomination!”
“No way, sir! I’d rather fight against the killer bunny again than getting anywhere near that thing!”
“Fire the Orbital Friendship Cannon! Initiate Canterlot’s Self-Destruction Sequence! Do something!”
“Run away!” screamed Celestia.
***
Twilight Sparkle was trotting happily under the sun, right towards the castle. After all the excitement of the wedding and the party afterwards, she wanted to spend some time with her teacher. Just the two of them alone, in front of some cups of tea, in a relaxing and quiet environment, like the royal library, for example.
However, before she could enter in the castle, the magnificent doors opened, and the purple unicorn was overwhelmed by a wave of screaming ponies, who were desperately running away from something.
“What’s going on?” she asked. Then, she realized that Celestia and Luna were at her back, trembling.
“Oh, Twilight!” said the white alicorn. “Thank goodness you’re here! You have to help us!”
“Call for the others, Twilight Sparkle!” said Luna. “Go get the Elements of Harmony! They’re our only hope!”
“What’s happening? Was Discord released from his prison again?”
Then, she felt something tickling her hoof. She looked down, and...
I eat dragons for breakfast.
We don’t need to tell you what happened next, do we?
***
Ah, there’s nothing like enjoying a sunny, calm morning in the beautiful streets of Canterlot, specially after an event such as big as the wedding of a princess and the captain of the royal guard.
Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity and Spike were relaxing in a park, sat around a beautiful fountain. Pinkie Pie and Spike had somehow managed to steal the figurines of Cadance and Shining Armor (again) and were playing with them.
Then, Twilight and the two Princesses materialized before them, in a flash of purple light. They looked as if they had seen a ghost.
No, let us elaborate: they looked as if they had seen a ghost chanting a passage of the Necronomicon while being eaten by the werewolf zombie of its former body in the middle of the reenactment of a Stephen King novel. Directed by Clive Barker. And Junji Ito. And Francisco de Goya in his latter years.
The four mares (and the baby dragon) looked at each other, and then Rarity asked:
“Is there any pro-”
“Run!” shouted Twilight. She looked just like that day when she had gotten obsessed with being tardy with her friendship reports. The scary thing was, Celestia and Luna looked just like her. “We have to run away from Canterlot! We need to go back to Ponyville and send letters to all the cities in Equestria! We have to warn everypony about-”, she got pale. Her lower lip was trembling.
“Are you okay, sugarcube?” asked Applejack. Then, she felt a ticklish sensation on one of her hooves, so, of course, she looked down...
I fought Cthulhu once. There was only one survivor. Guess WHO.
A chorus of screams rose from the park. Five ponies, a baby dragon and two goddesses were cornered against the wall of a nearby house by a spider the size of a dinner plate. Spike threw the figurines at the arachnid, but it basically ignored them. Mostly because the dragon had the aiming skills of a stone.
Then, a new pony appeared in scene. A yellow pegasus of pink mane.
“Hi girls,” she said, with a voice which rounded the seven decibels or so.
“Run away, Fluttershy!” shouted Rainbow Dash. “Save yourself!”
“Save myself?” the yellow pegasus looked around, worried. “From what?”
“From that thing!” and Dash pointed at the spider.
Fluttershy looked at the arthropod. Then at her friends. Then at the arachnid again. Then at her friends.
“Um... girls, this is a giant huntsman spider. It’s mostly harmless to ponies.”
The sound of trembling stopped suddenly.
“What?” asked Luna.
“Yes,” said Fluttershy. “Look...”
She approached the spider and bowed her head next to it.
“Hello, little friend,” she said, with the sweetest voice you could imagine. “Are you lost? Poor little thing... You must be scared!”
She gently rubbed the abdomen of the spider with a hoof, and the arachnid seemed to like it. Then, it crawled up Fluttershy’s leg and took refuge inside of her mane.
“There, there...” whispered the pegasus. “No more running through this big, dangerous place. Let’s search a good home for you. There must be a nice warm cave near Canterlot...”
And she trotted away, singing a lullaby to the spider.
Celestia and the others were left in a very uncomfortable silence. The Princess of the Sun blushed.
“Let us never speak of this again,” she said.
And everypony quickly answered:
“Agreed.”
THE END.
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I'm really sorry for writing this. I'm really, really, really sorry. I apologize to all the giant huntsman spiders of the world, all the arachnophobes, all the arachnologists, all the ponies and all the bronies of the world. I also apologize to everyone in this site for wasting their time with this crap. I'm really sorry. If you excuse me, I'll go drown in my own shame now.
Oh, one more thing... although they're mostly harmless to humans, don't try to rub the abdomen of a giant huntsman spider in real life, unless you're Fluttershy. You'll never know what could happen.
Hilarious. I wish you had actually stretched it out a bit more, perhaps had a scene with each of the Mane 6, with it ending with Fluttershy actually managing to tame it (sort of).
Oh, the pictures' subtitles were pretty damn funny.
'I fought Cthulhu once. There was only one survivor. Guess WHO.' I lol'd
...What.
*reads the story*
...............................WHAT.
*checks the author*
-__________-
*Emergency Glados Imitation Sequence Activated*
Oh. It's you.
How have you been?
I've been really busy being dead, you know, AFTER YOU MURDERED ME WITH THIS CRACK-FIC.
....Was good. Seen worse. Keep it up.
I love the random stories on here like 'Celestia Hates Tea'; good job
Came for pictures of spiders. Disappointed to find the same picture each time. Down-vote, needs more hunstman spider variety.
I once woke up with a Giant Hunstman Spider on my FACE.
...
I then calmly took it out to the garden and set it loose.
...
JUST ANOTHER DAY IN AUSTRALIA.
Strange idea but funny! XD
783897 Then I also apologize to all the people in Australia.
I knew I was forgetting to apologize to someone...
That...made my night. Thank you sir or madame.
783893 Sorry for that. I've changed the description to let know that it's the same picture over and over again.
This is Equestria we're talkin' bout here, right? This isn't some Equestrian Australia?
784017
I should also add, this was an amazingly funny fic and I quite enjoyed it.
Appologies aren't really necessary, the only things that offend a majority of Aussies is to call us Brits (people from England) or Kiwis (people from New Zealand).
So, spider. We meet again. Have at thee!
I'm an Australian, and I d'awwed. I wish to get a pet one at some stage. That is all.
I missed Discord breaking out of his stone prison as soon as the spider began crawling over him, or maybe the opposite, turning into stone as soon as he saw that cosmic horror.
Aún así, me ha encantado la historia
784453 ¿Español tú también?
Pues sí, ahora que lo pienso, hay muchas escenas que podría haber incluido, con Discord y otros personajes, pero tampoco quería hacerlo muy largo.
Now for english speakers: Yes, now that I think about it, there are several scenes which I could have included, with Discord and other characters, but I didn't want to make it too long.
784457
Español para lo bueno y para lo malo
La verdad es que sí, empiezas a meter personajes y se hace largo y cansino :-/
Malditas arañas, lo único peor son las avispas.
The only thing worse than spiders:
28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lsmgrdx19g1qjllc6o1_500.jpg
Oh god I love this
That spider needs to have his own episode.
The only thing scarier than the Wasp:
:BBBBBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ:
naturephotoworks.com/albums/80HA4TUAT0CGK044880CC0KSO8COCWW/Butterfly_Close-up_8818.jpg
Great story, by the way. Actually, the spider probably fought Cthulhu at his Dinosaur BBQ, and then ate the rest of the dinosaurs after defeating him.
They should have called the Batman of Flies: The Robber Fly
You know what you should do next?
Ponies Travel to Australia and Get Scared By Everything
This was pretty fun to read though
Why are people so afraid of spiders? They're our first line of defense against the swarms of insects that want to eat your food, shit all over what they don't eat, and lay their eggs in your nasal cavity so their larvae can feed on your brain matter. It's up to our eight-legged friends to patrol your attic, your basement, your porch, your dirty clothes pile, and under your bed so the swarms don't eat you alive.
784519>>785754
DO YOU TWO IMBECILES EVEN KNOW WHAT THE FUCK A JAPANESE HORNET IS!?!?!? I CANT POST A FUCKING PICTURE FROM HOW BRUTAL AND MIND-FUCKINGLY HORRIFYING IT IS. IT MAKES YOUR WASP STING ITSELF IN ITS LITTLE BITCH-ASS FACE REPEATEDLY UNTIL IT SUCCUMS TO ITS OWN POISON BUT ONLY AFTER FUCKING STRAPING BOMBS TO ITSELF AND DIVE-BOMBING ITS OWN HIVE IN ATTEMPT TO SPARE EVERY SINGLE WASP A QUICK AND PAINLESS DEATH AND GRANT THEM IGNORANCE TO THE ONCOMING FUCKING DEATH STORM THAT IS THE JAPANESE HORNET. OH BUT IM NOT DONE, NOT BY A FUCKING LONG SHOT. YOU SEE THE PUSSY "HUNTSMAN" SPIDER UP THERE? YEAH THAT ONE, WELL GUESS WHAT A LITERAL MOTHER FUCKING JAPANESE HORNET WILL DO TO IT, IT WILL RAPE IT, KILL IT, AND RAPE OT SOME MORE AND IMPREGNATE THE DEAD BODY AND THEN LIGHT THE CORPSE ON FIRE WITHT THE BABIES INSIDE CAUSE THE SPIDER WAS TOO MUCH OF A BITCH TO BE WORTHY TO CARRY ITS EGGS. AND YOU MR.GRIMM..... YOU KNOW WHAT IM NOT EVEN GOING TO TELL YOU WHAT A JAPANESE HORNET WILL DO TO THAT SAD EXCUSE FOR AN INSECT CAUSE ITLL ONLY MAKE YOU PISS YOURSELF OUT OF YOUR TEARDUCTS.
788940 Well, several reasons. Some people think they look freaky. Others think they are freaky (which they are, considering that they trap their preys in a sticky silk, wait for them to nearly die of exhaustion trying to free themselves, and then they melt their entrails into a soup in order to eat). Others live in areas where spiders are truly dangerous to human beings, so their fear is pretty justified. I guess other people just don't like the spiders to eat some of the beneficial insects (bees and butterflies who pollinate flowers, ladybugs and mantises who eat other damaging insects... because spiders don't select their preys according to our necessities, they're animals and they mostly don't care about us or our gardens)
But I think most people just have arachnophobia, which is an anxiety disorder (says Wikipedia) which causes theirs (ours) primal survival instincts to activate at full power and throw us into a panic attack whenever we see a spider, whether we want it or not. Some or most arachnophobics realize that their fear of spiders is irrational, myself included, and I wrote this fanfic to make fun of that; but we can't do anything about it, except going to therapy.
Personally, I have a case of low-level arachnophobia (I just made that term up, I think it sounds good). I can perfectly work with pictures of spiders (as the fanfic demonstrates) and I can watch documentaries about them without a problem. If they're little, I can even pick them with a paper of something and take them out (because if I let them live inside my house, my mother would kill them sooner or later); but I'd prefer for the bigger spiders to be as far away from me as physically possible.
Interestingly, my arachnophobia is pretty selective. Spiders with thin long legs and small bodies (like the giant huntsman spider pictured above, or the Opiliones, which are arachnids but not spiders [oh, the irony]) scare me more than spiders with proportionate body dimensions. I think the spider which scares me the least, to the point I think I even like it, is the Jumping Spider.
t1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ-YUtfFzpSjZtNy1pIsSWXC0qDkiyi-2TYL81R8ztzDqOb1Fid
Ain't it cute?
And yes, I know that most spiders are harmless to humans, and I know that, like you said, they're helpful because they eat annoying insects. Although I think the argument "without spiders we would be overrun by insects" is an exaggeration, insects have more predators besides spiders: birds, lizards, frogs, plants, and even (specially) other insects. Without spiders, the insect population will increase a bit, sure, but I don't think they would overrun us. Mostly because they already overrun us
davidrcollins.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/hail-ants.png
And I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords!
I hope this helps to answer this and any further question of why people fear spiders. Sorry for such a long text.
790079 If that's supposed to be a joke, the swearing and the caps are unnecessary.
If that's not a joke: dude, calm down.
790079
Japanese hornet?
Take a look at the indonesian giant wasp.
impactlab.net/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/wasp-2.jpg
790170
lolwut :unsuresweetie
:790178
that gave me a massive boner
Im sorry
Its claws/fangs/whatever look like a moustache
I had to do this
i.imgur.com/4TFtx.png
790414
Epic image, you're my new hero.
790170
Next time I make a joke, I'll be sure to add even more hyperbole.
791196 Oops
My fault. Sorry.
791579 actually, the huntsman spider was a good chocie...BECAUSE it is harmless, yet scary looking.
The Indonesian giant wasp?
The Japanese giant hornet?
Those...are genuinely WORTH being scared about....
Japanese giant hornets genuinely DO kill about 65 people per year.
They should've been like "ALL HAIL THE TIMID SALVATION" at the end. but thats just me.
We had pet Huntsmen. I called it Hairy Harry.
Now if that were a Funnelweb, then shit would get real.
OH GOD THAT WAS EPIC.
Have we ever met Before? Because my reaction woulda been the same as Everpony else. Mainly,
"OH F!!K SWEET BABY JESUS KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! IT'S FU!!!NG ENORMOUS!!! FLEE THE VILLAGE!!!!!! FLLLLEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!"
You've earned yourself a follower, good sir.
790170
As a whole, humanity is scared of spiders because from a survival perspective Spiders provide nothing good and can kill you. Oh, sure we can talk about how they can kill insects harming our crops and what not but a bajillion years ago it was more "Food" and "Not food". Not to mention biological responses are unlikely to trigger because of only a certain kind of spider when it's easier to just avoid them all. Part of the reflex is the spider's size and presence. So viewing a spider on your TV up close is easy because your nowhere near the spider and it's Blown up to an unrealistic size. (Of course I may be off about all that, this stuff has no real citation)
As for your personal response to Spiders, think about what humans find "Cute" and "Ugly":
-Plump creatures with proportionally smaller legs, larger eyes and a recognizable facial structure are cute. Hence we like Humans, Dogs, Cats, and Ponies. But we REALLY like Babies, puppies, kittens and cartoon ponies with huge eyes, plump bodies, and short legs.
-Spindly creatures like Huntsman spiders are the diametric opposite of that, and spiders in general are dangerous to boot. So it stands to reason we would hate them.
So, the more plump and smaller-legged spiders like household tranchulas are more likable to the point of being cute and being kept as pets.
Edit: Would you consider a sequel, with a Giant Huntsman Spider scaring the show's villains?
1119322
I hadn't planned any sequel for this story, but that idea sounds good
I'll think about it.
780141 this is stupid.......ly funny XD seriously though read this 5 times now and laughed every time
790414
You do realize this is the classiest spider ever because he wears a serious hat, AND a monocle AND a serious mustache, correct?
I hope to see a sequel. With Fluttershy introducing Mr. Giant H. Spider to every pony in Ponyville.
Now that'd be a laugh.
790170
You know, you think they're cute and fuzzy, and then they jump half a meter from the door you just opened, onto you, and off onto the wall next to the door. I learned to tolerate spiders better that week - less instinctual "oh jeez stay away!" to a more calm, "oh, what's that tickling? Alright, off you go now." Granted, that was a rather small specimen, but still.
790178
AW HELL NO
... Is it wrong that I now want to firebomb all of Indonesia? It probably is.
Personally, I try to tolerate spiders, cause they eat other bugs, including bugs with wings, which are what creep me out.
1342854
You know what's the scariest thing about those abominations? The biologists have never encountered one alive. My guess is that anyone who finds one of those alive doesn't survive the encounter.
1344082
... Add one more reason to the list I'm not getting enough sleep these days.
If anyone wants me, I'll be underwater. At least there's no hornets/wasps there, and if there are, I can sic an army of sharks and squids on them.
790178
PARDON ME...
BUT I HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU...
hairballmedia.com/dragon_wasps_1.jpg
ENJOY...
780141
A third of a year later...
What do you mean by 'mostly harmless'?
1452571 According to Internet, its venom cannot kill a human, at least not a healthy one, and they prefer to run away rather than to attack larger animals.
However, like all animals (I assume), they can become violent if you pester them too much. And again according to the Internet, although it's not lethal, the bite of the giant huntsman spider can be painful.
1455352
Of course it's gonna hurt, it's a giant fucking spider. Fucking spider.
Hey everybody,
we did two live readings of this story and posted the recordings here:
:
Silly version
More serious (but older) version:
Hope you all enjoy, we certainly did
Love and tolerance,
TheLiving Library Player Socieety
783897 Good old Australia. Slogan being "More deadly animals per square metre than anywhere else on earth."
Very hilarious crack fic. Definitely going to read moar and sending a pm with typos.