• Published 7th Jun 2020
  • 1,721 Views, 59 Comments

Hassenfeld Pony Anthology - Chicago Ted



A collection of vignettes about various Hassenfeld ponies and their owners.

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A Princess's Love

Bus line 14 stopped at Old Creek Road, and a single man got off. “Thanks!” he shouted to the driver. After lingering for a moment longer, the bus pulled away, and the man started walking.

It was late in the afternoon, getting cold, and his walking was growing weary. His apartment building loomed beyond, an ominous gray from its brutalist concrete construction. Unperturbed, he went through the front door, and entered the stairwell.

Once he got up on the third floor, he stopped at the communal mailboxes. He unlocked number 314, and pulled out a single envelope. Another bill from the power company. He sighed, relocked the box, and went down the hall to his apartment.

When he got to his apartment door, he fumbled around for his key, then unlocked the door and went inside.

As he shut and locked the door behind him, he noticed the smell of sautéed garlic on the stove. “So, what’s cookin’?” he asked.

“Almost done getting dinner ready, Sam. How about spaghetti tonight?” A Hassenfeld Celestia grabbed the pot of spaghetti in her telekinetic grasp and brought it over to the sink. She ran the contents through a strainer, then dumped the spaghetti onto two plates.

“Sounds delightful,” Sam replied. When he sat down, he let out a weary sigh.

“One of those days?” she asked. She set a plate in front of him.

He just nodded, and started with his dinner. His cheeks started flushing with the first bite, from the warmth, from the flavor, from the love she had seemingly poured into it straight from her own heart. “I dunno how you do it, Celestia,” he commented, “but you nailed it. Again.”

She sat down with her own plate. “I’ll be honest with you,” she told him, “I’m starting to worry for you. Every day, I watch you strain yourself to your limit between your classes and your job. This isn’t good for you, Sam; you should take some time for yourself.”

“I know.” Sam cleared his throat. “But you shouldn’t have anything to worry about yourself. As long as I stay on track, I’ll be out of college by the end of next semester with a proper degree, I’ll land myself a better job, and then we can relax. Just a little. . . .”

Celestia wasn’t convinced. “Please. Just relax, if only for just tonight. My heart aches for you when you put yourself through this.”

Sam didn’t say anything. He just kept eating his dinner, unbothered by Celestia’s concerns.

“If nothing else,” she followed up, “know that I won’t be around to take care of you forever. I’m ten years old; I’m halfway through my lifespan. What are you going to do when I’m gone? Hm?”

That got Sam’s attention. “What are you, my mother?” he asked.

She giggled. “I may as well be, with how our relationship is.” She sighed wistfully. “I remember watching you grow up into the man you are today. I remember seeing you in the bathroom, cleaning your wounds from He-Whom-We-Won’t-Name from middle school. I remember the last time you went trick-or-treating. Your father was brilliant in coming up with going as Don Quixote. Was I a good Rocinante?”

“You were,” he replied, “even with the horn and wings.”

“Yes, even with my extra. . . appendages, I should say, I managed to pass as your steed.” She looked out the window behind Sam, watching the sun set. “I remember your first day of high school, and how you apparently got lost on the way to science class.”

“Hey!” Sam jerked his head up. “That was a typo in my schedule.”

“Well, if you’re going to be so defensive about that, then what about the time I first caught you—”

“Nope, nope!” Sam put his hand up. “Don’t wanna hear it!”

“. . . watching My Little Pony.” She giggled. “What did you think I was going to say?”

“Uh, yeah. Let’s just go with that.”

“Fine, I’ll stop my reminiscing.” She rolled her eyes. “Though sometimes I wonder—what if I could live a thousand years?”

“Then we’d have the opposite problem.” Sam had cleaned his plate, and was getting up to wash it.

Celestia’s telekinesis grabbed it out of his hand. “Uh-uh, young man. I’m doing dishes tonight. You’ve earned a rest.” He opened his mouth to protest. “Nope. I’m not going to hear it.” She pointed her hoof towards the bedroom. “Clothes off. Jammies on. Now.

He sighed in defeat. “Yes, Mom.” He trudged into his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Celestia’s telekinetic grasp was invaluable for a task like washing dishes. The horns of Hassenfeld unicorns and alicorns had varying upper limits on how much they can carry in their telekinetic grasps. Simply put, the heavier the items were, the looser their grip was on each item. Alicorns could generally carry more than unicorns, but even then there was some variation between models and even individuals. There were reports of some owners experimenting with “overclocked” horns, but this was extremely dangerous, often fatal, and a surefire way of setting off the remote distress.

For Celestia, it was a cinch to do dishes. She queued up the plates, glasses, and silverware in her grasp, then with the same, lathered up the sponge and started scrubbing each one under the water, setting them in the rack once she was finished with each one. It was a smooth operation, almost mechanically so, and she was in and out in two minutes.

As if on cue, Sam reappeared in the kitchen, dressed in freshly-laundered pajamas instead of just being in his underwear. “Well, now what?” he asked.

“Couch. Plant it, mister.” She pointed in that direction. “It’s Movie Night, and I’m picking.”

“But—”

Hup! No buts.”

Almost with a sulk, Sam took a seat in front of the TV. Celestia joined him a moment later, taking up the two seats next to him and laying her head on his lap. “We’ll be watching Avatar 2.

“Really?” Sam asked. “I was in the mood for some anime.”

Lu rä’ä nafi’ua snaytuti.” She winked at him, then grabbed the remote in her telekinesis. “There’s a reason why Cameron broke his own record again, with a sequel no less.” With a few button presses, she pulled up Netflix and selected the film.

The next morning at college, Sam was having trouble staying awake in his philosophy class. Ugh, why did I sign up for this again?

As fascinating the subject could be for some students, many felt like fish out of water—Sam included. The professor droned on and on about the difference between a dog and the idea of a dog. . . or something like that. Basically put, things change, ideas don’t. Next lesson, please.

The worst part about it was that he was barely engaging the rest of the class. Even the ones who were genuinely eager to sign up were starting to space out. The professor had a whiteboard and projector at his disposal, but was simply content to read from his copy of the textbook. Sam had half a mind to address him as “Professor Audible.com,” but the last thing he wanted was a disciplinary action on his record.

The only upside about this class was the lack of homework assigned. In theory, the professor explained at the start of the semester, students who were interested in philosophy should be motivated to learn the subject outside of class without his help. But in practice, at least for Sam, what happens in philosophy class stays in philosophy class.

He checked the math in his head. Okay, if I get at least an 85% on the next quiz, I should squeak by with a 70% overall grade. Quite a bit to ask for, considering his track record, but hey, stranger things have happened.

“Samuel, are you paying attention?” Just one question out of the blue was enough to snap him out of it.

“Uh, yes sir!” he stammered out. Did I miss something actually important?

“Well then, perhaps you can tell me, besides nominalism, what the other view of the nature of universals is.”

Christ, didn’t catch that part. C’mon, think. . . Realism? No, that’s too cheap. Determinism? Nah, haven’t seen that come up on Wikipedia. Better go with my gut. . . . “Realism.” I hope that was convincing.

The professor nodded. “Very good. I guess you were paying attention after all.”

Speech 100. As the professor started droning on, Sam’s mind then started wondering again, this time on something else.

Celestia’s always been there for me, ever since my parents got her for me. He was grateful, not least because of the price tag—alicorn models cost three thousand dollars apiece, and that was ten years ago—but probably because she never left his side since then.

She’s helped him with his homework, chores around the house, comforted him in his darker moments—in some ways, she was his second mother. But he wondered, maybe she was holding him back. As nice as it was to come home to a hot meal in a clean, warm apartment, perhaps it was better if he got used to doing these things himself. Maybe she had a point last night. . . .

Then, finally, 12:00 noon rolled around. “Unfortunately, my time is up, so you are free to go,” he drolled out. Surprisingly, this snapped him out of his reverie.

Finally. Now that class was over, so was his day at college. Time to go home. . . .

Celestia was bored.

Usually she was content with tidying up around the place, but his apartment is now spotless all around, having completed that task within two hours.

Apartment. Right. Because Sam couldn’t afford a house yet. Not with his current pay. If only these college semesters would just hurry up and pass already, so they can move on to more promising pastures.

Ugh.” She flopped onto her back on the couch. “Sam, when are you coming back home? I miss you.”

She grabbed the remote with her telekinesis and flipped on the TV. Netflix came right up, as it had the night before, but now. . . it just didn’t cut it for her anymore. Am I really so bored, she pondered, that I can’t find something satisfying to watch?

Eventually she gave up and went over to his computer. Looks like someone forgot to log out, she thought. Hopefully he won’t mind if I looked up something on YouTube. . . .

But the first thing that popped up caught her eye sooner. It was a diary entry, dated just this morning. She paused to read it:

Last night was pretty interesting, to say the least. Celestia was insistent that I take a load off, when I know that's not exactly an option. Work and class come first.

Somehow... I liked it. Maybe it was just the familiar feeling of seeing Celestia again. Or maybe I'm just so pathetic I can't even take care of my own self. I feel guilty for putting Celestia through this. I know she's a Hassenfeld, that she's supposed to love me regardless, but still... I want to do something for her. But what?

I've been considering getting her something, but what does she like? Well, she likes me of course, but that would be superficial. Besides, I don't know if I CAN afford whatever I have in mind.

I could of course give her the same treatment she gave me last night, but I can't imagine how much that would backfire.

Maybe I'll just have to lay the cards on the table and have a talk with her. It's blunt, straightforward, almost too much so, but it seems like the best option I have. I just hope she's receptive...

Celestia was moved. For starters, it was true—a Hassenfeld’s bond with its owner was absolute. The owner meant everything to the Hassenfeld. Celestia models, in particular, were more maternal than the others—it was very much in their blood to care for their owners, sometimes rather than the other way around. Their owners’ satisfaction was their own reward, no gifts nor favors necessary.

She sighed. “Maybe I should have a talk with Sam,” she told herself. “Be more honest with our feelings.”

She checked the time in the corner of the screen. 12:00 noon, on the nose. Better start on lunch, she thought. He’s coming home early from college. Good time as any to have that talk, now that I think about it.

Just as Celestia was finishing up, Sam walked into the door. “Welcome home, Sam,” she greeted. “I’ve got lunch ready right about now.”

“Thanks.” This time, Sam didn’t sound so tired. He didn’t have a shift today, and he only had the one class. He took a seat across from Celestia, as he typically did.

But before Celestia could serve lunch, she had something else on her mind. “Sam, I don’t want to alert you, but. . . .” She looked away from him. “. . . I may have seen what you typed on your computer this morning.”

Sam was taken aback. “I could’ve sworn I had logged out,” he said. “Why were you looking on there?”

“That’s not important,” she replied. “What is important is how you feel about me. You think I’m doing this as a favor, and that it need be paid back someday. Let me assure you, that isn’t the case. I like caring for you—keeping the apartment clean, cooking your meals, cuddling you when you sleep—really, I don’t mind it at all.”

“And yet you told me last night that you wouldn’t be around to care for me forever,” he shot back. “So which is it?”

“The two are not mutually exclusive. I don’t mind caring for you, but I also want you to care for yourself. You’ve got a great big life ahead of you, but mine’s genetically predetermined.” Celestia’s telekinetic grasp pulled Sam’s hand into her front hooves. “I want to see you succeed. I’ll help you however I can, but ultimately, it must be you who succeeds.”

Without warning, Sam leapt from his seat and grabbed Celestia in a bearhug.

She was startled, but returned the gesture. “I love you too, Sam,” she told him. When he finally let go, she followed up with “I’m sorry if I was a bit forceful last night. Maybe it worked against my goal of getting you to relax for once.”

“Eh, maybe you’re right,” Sam admitted. “I’m pushing myself to succeed now—but I want you there to see it, and maybe. . . I just wanted to keep you around a little longer. Do you know how much you cost?”

“Three thousand, five hundred dollars, plus tax,” she answered, seemingly from rote memory. “I know, I’m a high-end pony, but considering what we’ve done in the last ten years, and what we’ll do in the next ten—you think your parents got a return on their investment?”

Sam sat back down. “Yeah, and then some. Now, what about lunch?”

“Oh, right. Here you are.”

With their confessions out of the way, they both ate in silence.

Comments ( 48 )

10274631
everything is better with ponies.

CelestAI told me so.

This is how I thought the ponies were made in my story "I thought you would be bigger..." (maybe slightly different, but pretty close)

This is a very interesting concept from a writer's perspective to work on. So many possibilities, moral dylemmas, and the sorts. I wonder, not like I'm planning to do it right now, but would you mind if I ever "borrow" the Hassenfel ponies' concept to write my own tales?

This was a fun story

10274922 10275111 10275168 10275331 10275350
Thanks for stopping by, all of you!

10274631
Whether equine or cervine, it's a cute image, and one that in my opinion captures the setting perfectly.

10274950
Erm. . . can't win 'em all, I guess.

10274990
It's not my concept in the first place, so go right ahead.

10274631
They look tasty

ROBCakeran53
Moderator

Oh shit some of these were real heart tuggers. Really glad the Celestia one was last, helps make the reader feel a little better after the first three.

I like this story - hopefully there'll be a few more chapters in the future. very interesting premise.

Really interesting concept, I'm surprised there aren't more chapters!

Might be overly political, but, from the Silly Ideas bin, in regard to current events, I keep trying to picture a righteous cop with a Luna-model pony, Pick any number of directions for that...

A) "They hate me no matter what I do, so why not give in to the dark side?..."

B) "I screwed up and did wrong..."

C) "I did right, but they say I did wrong anyway..."

D) "I did wrong, but it was for the right reasons..."

E, F, G...) [you tell me...]

I'm rather agnostic in my personal preferences, but I'd entertain almost any direction. Just don't give into temptation to use the cartoonish caricatures we're seeing in the misguided folks on both sides of the current argument.

That was the most wholesome execution of a Black Mirror episode concept I've ever seen.

Weirdly, the most jarring part was Celestia's apparently terrible taste in movies.

I’m ten years old; I’m halfway through my lifespan.

Only twenty years? For a bio-engineered creation? In a future where actual telekinesis is cheaper than cars?

Wot?

10275595
Considering your My Little Dashie was what made me join the site all the way back in 2014 -- I'd consider that a compliment.

10275615 10275634 10275752
I think I'll cool it on expanding this story further. (Also, the concept's not mine -- it's /mlp/'s.)

10276254
Don't look at me, I'm not the one who wrote the Hassenfeld bible.

10276279
Who did, if you don't mind answering?

10276295
That's the nature of /mlp/ -- nobody knows who wrote it. I just ascribe it to "Anonymous," as one naturally would.

Comment posted by Perpetually Confused deleted Jun 9th, 2020

The biochemical slavery of fabricated sapients. Wholesome!

10276279
Please tell me if there's some other source of info for this concept. But I found this:

https://www.reddit.com/r/mylittlepony/comments/c67vup/artificial_pony_companions_and_you/

10276254
I guess bussiness demmands the ponies to die some more can be bought. Still, 3000$ for 20 years of a pony with human intelligence sounds like quite a reasonable deal to me!

I'm not a fan of creating human level intelligences as slaves. You know the true fans just made them their own town somewhere.

Or you'll get some that break their programming and go all blade runner.

10276700
Not for the pony, though.

10276490
10276840
Is it really immoral if they want/enjoy/are fine with it from the beginning to the end? I'm not so sure.

10276870
Yes slavery is immoral.

The first chapter they discuss using mind drugs to reset the forced conditioning.

How about next year when they come out with Equestria girls edition , you'd still be ok with that ?

10276884

“It’s possible, but it’s very difficult. They make a deep bond with the first person they see when they climb out of the cryobox, which can’t be severed."

It seems like Genetic Engineering to me.

10276870
There are far too many implications about the existence of a bioengineered slave race. In that sense, the story is disingenuous in ignoring all of them. But what's really important is that no matter the circumstances slavery is an atrocity. There are no amount in-universe explanations to make it seem otherwise, no excuse pretty enough to change that fact.
10276889
But of course. It's not friendship that's magic, it's slavery and bioengineering that's friendship.

The story is waifu fodder, I just don't understand why everyone is pretending slavery is ok as long as it's your waifu.

10276868
yep. Inhumane capitalism, it is called.

On a second thought, the pony wouldn't have ever existed in the first place if it was not for the business mindset required to even consider creating it. But of course, having a preprogrammed creature to like whoever appears in front of it when it is "born" it is morally wrong in all senses.

10274950
Just because there's a lot of shittiness on /MLP/ doesn't mean it's exclusively shittiness.

10276460
media1.tenor.com/images/5684efb5a71699d2efaa13baba0dbb2c/tenor.gif

10276523
That's a safe-for-work edit of the actual bible, but for my purposes it sufficed.

10276700
Hasbio is capable of many things, but even they cannot conquer death. Besides, if Hassenfelds were effectively immortal, we'd be seeing many more stories like Twinkle's.

10276927

10276907

10276840
well, no duh its immoral, that's what makes this funny as hell!

Okay, lets think about this: this, like Conversion, fetishizes the ponies, but this ones even worse because at least in Chatoyance the presence of free will, of autonomy, is still there. One chooses ponyhood or death. Its a shit choice, but its still a choice. And one can argue about the morality there, but at least the person turned pony there is still them on some level.

Here, its not even a question. In this setting, bunch of mouth breathing mongoloids were so maladjusted to the point of malevolence they actually created waifus. As creepy as the initial premise of a waifu, at least there there's still the choice. One could just claim said mare had shit tastes. But here, they are literally held in biological gestalt and even while admitting its an atrocious act in of itself, there will still be bronies claiming its okay because the pony is happy.

... This is why we need ethics in schools kids. :rainbowlaugh:Thankfully most bronies I've met, whatever their emotional and developmental shortcomings might be, at least have the simple decency to never actually support something like this and would actually be morally opposed to it in real life.

Well, I have a soft spot for stories that present a horrific fact about a premise (like the fact that those ponies exist at all despite the implications) but still are able to tell a heartwarming story in the face of that. This is giving me Blade Runner vibes, but still somehow it’s kind of nice to see those ponies being nice in the face of all that.

I would never buy one of those to the creepy company that produces them, but I think I couldn’t stand seeing them in a cage in an animal shelter... Would I be able to leave them behind in that condition? Would I adopt one and treat them as another person? Oof... all the choices are equally creepy.

10277724
Yeah, I too have that much faith in people in general (not being sarcastic this time). My concern was because most of the comments were buying into the waifu fodder without considering the atrocity inherent to the setting.

10277724

claiming its okay because the pony is happy.

that's literally just Utilitarianism, you "mouth breathing mongoloid".

Hmm, I wonder what all models are available, anyways? Going by the second chapter, more models than just the Mane 6 and the princesses are available...

Even if limited only to "pony" models... according to this publication at least, changelings are technically classified as a type of pony, while zebras, donkeys, mules, griffons, etc. are not. Though they also seem like you'd want to start off by ordering a small set of them rather than just one or even two.

10277724
I kept waiting for that first story to turn even darker with a mention of how "broken" Hassenfelds are typically euthanized, ostensibly because they're too overcome with grief at the loss of their owner to continue functioning, but really because once they come out the other side of it and their brains are no longer constantly flooded with endorphins at the sight of their master, they have enough clarity to start looking around and asking questions. Questions about why they can't just get their own apartment and live independently. Questions about rights and citizenship. And then they start talking to each other and organizing, and the Twilights start digging through case law, and suddenly we're redoing Dred Scott with ponies.

10278838
wait until they introduce the zebra model:trollestia:

The idea sounds oddly familiar and reminds me of https://www.fimfiction.net/story/324970/the-broken-toy
There are even two options - with Equestria memory (they think they got onto Earth accidentally) and without (they know they were born here).
And they're also bonding with the first person they see.

derpicdn.net/img/2015/1/21/811665/medium.png
(An art for that story: washing the pony after unboxing)

10280232
I've been reading that story and I somehow forgot about it. How embarassing!

Still, I will maintain that the idea of keeping ponies as pets isn't a new one. He takes that idea his way, I take it another.

10280279
Haha! No problem :) Everyone would like to have a pony for themselves, so the idea is kinda obvious. If they don't exist, then the only option is to make them.

A shame there's only 4 chapters, would have loved to have read more.

Five years from now we just all forget the show existed?

10280813
More likely it wasn't the subject of the story. There are folks who can see the utility of a 'product' without obsessing over it. It's not so much that these people aren't fans of the show, but that it's not important if they are or not. I mean, I don't see how a lonely old man in his 70s-80s could connect with the show itself, but he still found a friend in his pony that he ended up having. All of these stories are about the people, and the ponies connected to them. It may or may not have been related to being a fan of the actual show that started that relationship.

For instance, Sam was given his Celestia by his parents...who may have been fans of the show, while he was not aware of it. It's possible she was giving him some playful ribbing because he was embarrassed to be caught watching it for the first time by her much later on.

It's also not uncommon to have offshoots of a previous product surpass or outlive the original concept or property it was based off of. For instance, the original first generation of MLP was popular enough back in the day when it came out that it spawned other versions of itself. Leading to current times, where FiM is far and away more well known and is the first thing many people think of in regards to My Little Pony as a whole. It's possible that for some folks, that has carried to the story where they associate it more with Hassenfeld ponies than as a show...who can really say for sure? But things will change and shift and be lost along the way as new things come. New concerns, worries, hopes and dreams, and things that we surround ourselves with to fill some of those voids left by things lost...it's a part of being alive, in the end.

Wow, that's a lot...I got too serious there, a bit. Ahem, anyway, who can say how people look at the show in a future that may never come? We can only wait and see what happens when we get there!

10507491

an obscure show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

10508320
As they say at the end of every Patlabor episode, in ten years, who knows? :trollestia:
Feels like ya miiiight have missed a little bit of the whole point of all dat too...jus' a little. :twistnerd:

This story feels oddly dark with the subject matter. All the same. The conpartmentalizing is insane. The last few lines are about how much she costs.

I guess with all that I don't feel sold on their relationship? Like Celestia and even so far as the human seen very cookie cutter, in a sense?

Like she obviously has memorys and predisposed to care. It just feels like everyone going through the motions.

You last chapters were more emotional. Especially the first and the third. Though I would have liked to have seen more antiwar message. Perhaps? Coming how gone to the world is enough? Who knows really? I dont. Regardless on my tastes...

This ounce again. Was not bad...just wish it was less of Celestia insert A (sad boi). Then all is well?

I will conclude that the talking of pricing at the end... is very tone breaking. Since both feel it reads just...odd for them to just walk away from all that heartfelt stuff.

Talking money?

Ps. On to to read your other storys!

I can imagine a sequel to this one with a little sad phrase I read once, with a little adaptation to this setting we got this: “There are people who want to live forever, and then there is Celestia, who just wants to live a little longer than this.”

As you can imagine, a Celestia at the end of her life cycle wish she could have more years in her to stay with her human ;_; ... or we can have another pony. Or even more sad if we follow this setting "Sam is really happy and wants Celestia to meet tomorrow the new member of his family who was just born that day. Clestia knows she will not live to see the sunrise"

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