My name is Ari and I was sucked into a black hole that suddenly appeared in my closet. This black hole led to Equestria, and this journal documents my experiences while living in pony society.
Wanna read the better version? Here it is!
Chapters (8)
- Member Since 17th Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 20th, 2021
aricaitlyn
Ari / 21 / she/her / more active on AO3 as aricaitlyn!
aricaitlyn
Joined 17th Mar, 2012 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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aricaitlyn · 6.3k words · 121 views
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Congratulations, this story has good enough grammar to be included in the Good Grammar Directory, a comprehensive list of gramatically-correct stories on Fimfiction.
I really liked this, but obvious foreshadowing made it mediocre at worst.
Extend and revision, please!
3361406 Glad you liked it. I'll try my best.
Can you give me exact examples?
3368621 I would, but for those who haven't read it, I refuse to give spoilers. But I will anyway:
Why take the New Elements of Harmony and not use them in the end?
3368636
Oh, god. I forgot about that.
I really don't know. I think I'm funny.
But seriously, if you know of a better way to incorporate them into the story (or leave them out completely), send me a private message.
3368648 Will do once I think of something
When a character in your story actually says "So what do I do now?" then you have failed.
When a character in your story grins then you have failed.
When important events happen randomly, then you have failed.
When your characters stop caring, then you have failed.
When you insert yourself into the center of every characters life, then you have failed.
When you rely on being a girl to bolster your self esteem, then you have failed.
When you fall into Equestria then you exit the human system, and that is a world a brony is frowned upon to understand. I KNOW NOT WHAT WILL HAPPEN
i.imgur.com/Y8vj013.jpg
3469912
Well, now I realize where I have failed, so, dare I say it, "what do I do now?"
EDIT: Now I get the reference. I still can't tell if you're trolling or not.
Uhhh... what?
What? I'm so confused right now...
I feel like this story is being too rushed... If you went into more detail, this story might turn out good?
First day:
-Can fly
-Can use magic
-Has a cutie mark
Yeah... too rushed.
Good potential. Needs more explaining.
I have no more words to say about this.
It's... well a good STORY. The WRITING is nice... It just needs um... extension.
The story kept jumping from one thing to another and there wasn't much of a build to grab a reader's attention.
The first chapter was good, I cannot deny that. Afterwards however... That's where everything just jumbled up.
Each "significant" moment wasn't stretched out long enough to throughly explain.
For example: getting thier cutie marks. They just got to Equestira and already get their marks? There wasn't much explanation to why they deserved that mark and why it should be thier special talent.
The one thing I really did not like in this story was Celestia. Yes, I do understand it is the future. However, rulers still need to maintain a certain status instead of just not caring; especially if the matters regard to a being. Celesita doesn't care, we understand. But why?
These two are just a few of the many parts that could use a lot of extending. The story as a whole needs to be extended. Your writing is great and so is your grammar, but that would be a waste of potential if the story does not turn out to the best of its potential.
Please do not view this as any hate. I simply want to point out a few things and give some constructive criticism.
I just couldn’t get into it.