GDI Commandos are the best of the best. They are made through a harsh training programme, with a 22% fatality rate and a 97% drop-out rate for survivors.
Just lovely, all the chaos he can create. Surely the six mares from Ponyville might try to stop him, OH the endless possibilities!! But enough theory crafting, I decided to add this story to my collection. I'm sure you will not disappoint.
Considering this is your second story, this is well written, with very little grammatical errors. It is however choppy. Try reading what you write out loud, and you will see what I mean by choppy. There are places comma's would help improve the flow, and a thesaurus would be a good investment of time (If my physical copy is out of reach I access Google), as it will make your story seem that much better.
Emotion is good, but when you over do it or don't do it well enough, it seems bland, like eating hot cereal without butter added in. You had Luna start hyperventilating as she was explaining her encounter with Conrad, and she soon broke down into tears as soon as the words started to leave her mouth (or muzzle, as she is anthro I suppose). ex- I sat down at the table, my legs feeling weak as tremors ran throughout my body. My breathing hitched as I remembered the pain from the strange creatures weapon, and a few tears leaked from my eyes as I looked towards my sister, her gaze exhibiting concern and worry as she reached across the table and ran her hand over my own comfortingly. It was then the tears started to flow in Earnest... ----Just a short example on how you can make it flow better or to come across smoother.
I'm not an expert on writing or grammar, and my stories need work as well, but if you want, I can give advice or pointers...
Overall, this was still a good read. I will Fav it and read a few more chapters as they come out. From there I will see if I will follow it then-after. (I tend to stay near stories with 3k+ words per chapter... though sometimes reading a 30k chapter in 1 sitting is hard.)
For everyone else, Just a quick tidbit. For an author, sure seeing that others like the story is a motivational booster, but that is a temporary thing. I can't speak for all authors, but I know quite a few enjoy hearing WHAT people like and what they want to see more of. 100 comments of ''MOAR'' or ''AMAZING, HURRY UP WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER'' don't even compare to the feeling of reading a long well thought out review of their story. What I left in the comment below doesn't count, as that isn't what I am talking about. Actual Constructive Criticism or even discussion on the content is what will be desired later on...
The dudes only 4ft tall? Is he a dwarf?
Just lovely, all the chaos he can create. Surely the six mares from Ponyville might try to stop him, OH the endless possibilities!!
But enough theory crafting, I decided to add this story to my collection.
I'm sure you will not disappoint.
-The Library.
7331889 He's 6ft tall it's just that the ponies in this universe are tall af
7331889 O crap just noticed what you meant lol
I'll edit it
7331889 Ironhills catapult ready to dwarf.
i will give you a hug if you know what just said is from.
And then Conrad meets Luna again, pleasant dreams~.
panty raid..... You sir need to get laid fast.
7332384 Hey... it's lonely being a commando
OMG THIS IS GOOD MORE!
7334042 There will be
7334042 I agree! MOAR!
Considering this is your second story, this is well written, with very little grammatical errors. It is however choppy. Try reading what you write out loud, and you will see what I mean by choppy. There are places comma's would help improve the flow, and a thesaurus would be a good investment of time (If my physical copy is out of reach I access Google), as it will make your story seem that much better.
Emotion is good, but when you over do it or don't do it well enough, it seems bland, like eating hot cereal without butter added in. You had Luna start hyperventilating as she was explaining her encounter with Conrad, and she soon broke down into tears as soon as the words started to leave her mouth (or muzzle, as she is anthro I suppose).
ex- I sat down at the table, my legs feeling weak as tremors ran throughout my body. My breathing hitched as I remembered the pain from the strange creatures weapon, and a few tears leaked from my eyes as I looked towards my sister, her gaze exhibiting concern and worry as she reached across the table and ran her hand over my own comfortingly. It was then the tears started to flow in Earnest...
----Just a short example on how you can make it flow better or to come across smoother.
I'm not an expert on writing or grammar, and my stories need work as well, but if you want, I can give advice or pointers...
Overall, this was still a good read. I will Fav it and read a few more chapters as they come out. From there I will see if I will follow it then-after. (I tend to stay near stories with 3k+ words per chapter... though sometimes reading a 30k chapter in 1 sitting is hard.)
For everyone else, Just a quick tidbit. For an author, sure seeing that others like the story is a motivational booster, but that is a temporary thing. I can't speak for all authors, but I know quite a few enjoy hearing WHAT people like and what they want to see more of. 100 comments of ''MOAR'' or ''AMAZING, HURRY UP WITH THE NEXT CHAPTER'' don't even compare to the feeling of reading a long well thought out review of their story. What I left in the comment below doesn't count, as that isn't what I am talking about. Actual Constructive Criticism or even discussion on the content is what will be desired later on...
7319075 I see a Nod player....
"DOWN WITH NOD!!!"
:D
Update?
7347771 New chapter will be out tommorow probably
7341400 Let's hit his ass up with an ION cannon!!!!!
MOAR please good sir
Ever played Command ans conquer renagade i love it when they say "gotta present for ya"