• Member Since 19th Mar, 2015
  • offline last seen 7 hours ago

The Lutece twins


My goal is to create great stories that everypony will like, so it's nice to meet you. Enjoy my stories to your hearts content. Enjoy. Used to be Golden oath.

T

Prototype Aegis is the first living tank Pony made by humans to try and replace infantry. She loves her job as a tank for the army, protecting her country. But one day, while running from a German super weapon she falls into an unknown laboratory, she finds herself in a fight for her life as she fights mysterious soldiers that she can't seem to defeat. She becomes gravely injured and sacrifices herself for her friend. She wakes up, injured and noticing that some of her armor plates are missing and are nearby. She finds herself in a strange world, one filled with happiness and peace. Will she want to go back to her world, that is filled with death and destruction, or will she want to stay in a world where there hasn't been a war in thousands of years?

Dark tag only near the beginning of the story and possibly in the future. Rated teen for language and violence.

Chapters (5)
Comments ( 126 )

Interesting premise, though I would recommend getting an editor to clean it up. I'll stick around for now, though.

7410424
I have a joke for you so this guy was walking down the street when he saw another guy with his head on an anvil he went up to him and asked why do you have your head on an anvil and he replied shhh I'm listening to heavy metal

7410156 My suggestion would be to type 'editor' into the search bar in Groups to find the groups dedicated to gathering editors.

TL;DR: I like the premise, but the execution is kind of lopsided and missing some key details.

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2. Never talk back to a demanding officer

commanding

Initiating wake up sequence

feels a bit odd, doesn't really roll off the tongue too well.

Their was a sound

there

A dark green metal tank that was in one corner of the room started up

once again, doesn't really roll off the tongue too well.

her rooms bathroom

room's

She looks at it with confusion.

and

"I wonder who that could be?" She asked.

could probably be one sentence

He asked. Prototype Aegis yawns.

the word prototype feels a bit tacked on, like it doesn't need to be there.

He chuckles. Aegis rolls her eyes.

this would flow better if it looked like this:

He chuckles. Aegis rolls her eyes in response.

girls t.v. show

TV would probably be a better way of putting it down.
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Overall, a nice idea. But trust me. This is going to be hell to write for you, because you're going to have to do a fuckton of world building to explain all this.

The weirdest thing in my opinion is how Aegis works, how she functions. it just comes off as, well, odd. for one, eating? Why does she (apparently) need do that if she is by all rights, a living tank? That seems unnecessary, because if she truly was built to be a soldier then by all rights she shouldn't need to eat. It's not practical, because they'd have to bring more food on missions. Which can become rather expensive.

Another thing that bugs me is the emotions and free-will, honestly if I was someone in the military developing this then I wouldn't want my hyper advanced war machine to have free-will, or feel emotions. Because if you do that then suddenly it becomes capable of rebelling and sharing its secrets with the enemies, safety protocols be damned. After all, why self destruct when the "enemies" suddenly became your allies?

I do understand that if it has free-will it can make tactical decisions on the fly, which is something vital in warfare, but even then, the emotions may prevent it from carrying out a task that could benefit the country.

I guess my main issue is that she has the ability to question. What if she starts questioning if fighting for America is the right choice? Any military R&D fellow wouldn't let that happen, it'd be too dangerous.

One final thing. The whole "love" bit feels tacked on, it really doesn't need to exist.
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still tracking it tho.

7410471
you're so good at finding the errors, they're looking for an editor why don't you be it

7410471
also the ones who created her were bronys I can't imagine a brony that was able to do that and wouldn't to give them emotions

7410471 thanks for pointing those out, I fixed most of them, some I may need help with, but overall, tank you. :twilightsmile:

7410484 it all depends on what the author is using (most likely G-Docs), and when they want it edited. I do have a fair bit of free time, which would make it a lot easier on both of us.
so, maybe.

7410540 okay, but if you want to, then tell me.

7410494 I will accept your counter-point as valid and think on it. For how long, who knows?

This story seems like it will be good, and I can't wait to read more of it. :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

*Reads description, sees picture*

OOH, a ponified-version of a Land Striker :pinkiegasp:
Okay, I'm in :pinkiehappy:

Meh, wished there was more action, or fighting, or portals, or fighting and portals and less mushy mush. Will keep on the read it later list for now.

7417951 I felt the same way man, I know how it feels. :fluttershysad:

Comment posted by Jingle_Boii deleted Jul 24th, 2016
Comment posted by The Lutece twins deleted Jul 24th, 2016

this just kepp geting better and better btw this may sound stupide but who is steel heart im just asking ok nothing to be mad over ok :twilightsmile:

7424308 The Aegis filly from the first chapter

7424308 Ever heard of periods and commas? :rainbowhuh: :rainbowlaugh:

The stupidity of this chapter is off the charts. You should just ignore me and keep writing because I demand more stupid!

I swear, there's something wrong with me...

7424319 there's nothing wrong with you man.

7424323 I'm curious as to what we do next!

7424388 he's helping me with my stories. and he's good at it. he gives me that little oomph when I can't exactly write

7424419 be careful now, you can cause diabetes with that :moustache:

7424415 That i messed up my writning there your right.

Comment posted by The Writer of Fate deleted Jul 25th, 2016

Love mush stuff in a warzone...........

7424434 lol, soon enough you'll be a grammar nazi like mwah!

"Good. I won't be able to hold onto you, so maybe you can ride in my supply pack." He offered, smiling. "You're an adorable tank, Aegis." He said.

I never thought I would hear those words in the same sentence.

Comment posted by LongJohn 03 deleted Jul 26th, 2016

7425068 You still haven't. Unless you read aloud, or have your device read it for you :p

I didn't get this chapter because of how it is written So in other words "I'M LOST." The first two chapters i understood This one somehow broke the flow of the first two chapter you had:applejackconfused::applejackunsure::unsuresweetie: This just my opinion

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