• Published 20th Jun 2016
  • 7,675 Views, 56 Comments

Starlight Glimmer Battles Existential Dread at Sunrise - Dubs Rewatcher



Just a few weeks after nearly destroying all of time and space, Starlight Glimmer is invited to meet with Princess Celestia for tea. This can't be good.

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Starlight Glimmer Battles Existential Dread at Sunrise

Two weeks after moving into the Friendship Palace, Starlight Glimmer sat in a crowded train car, headed for Canterlot. She tried to ignore the drooling old mare slumped against her side and focused her attention on the small invitation in her hoof.

For the tenth time that train ride, Starlight squinted to read it in the dim light of the lamp above her head. Sunrise was still hours away, and Starlight knew she should have been sleeping, but she couldn’t bring herself to close her eyes. Not with so many ponies around.

Besides, as long as her stomach kept tearing itself apart with nausea, sleep would never come. What could Princess Celestia possibly want with her? Did she just want to meet Starlight? Talk to her? Punish her? Maybe ‘scones’ was a code word for some type of ancient alicorn torture.

And so early in the day? Starlight never got up anywhere near sunrise, lest she bump into Twilight going on an early morning coffee run. Running into Twilight meant talking, and talking to Twilight inevitably meant being invited to go out somewhere. Just yesterday, Twilight tried to invite Starlight to a picnic with all her friends. The letter from Celestia had come just in time to give Starlight an excuse for not going.

But Celestia's invitation still meant that Starlight had to leave the Palace. It still meant that she couldn't spend the day as she usually did: locked in her room, doing nothing and saying nothing. She couldn't curl up under her sheets, or pray that nopony remembered she existed. That would be a much safer use of her time.

Starlight tucked the invitation away and shrank into her seat, trying to make herself as unnoticeable as possible. She hadn’t even arrived yet, and already she wanted to go home.


Looking into Princess Celestia’s eyes was like biting a lightning bolt. She radiated brilliance, and under her unflinching gaze Starlight felt smaller than a parasprite. Taking her seat at the edge of the Solar Balcony, Starlight kept her head bowed and her mouth shut.

The two sat at a small table with a plate of pastries between them. Celestia sipped her tea thoughtfully, perfect face illuminated by the glow of the rising sun. Starlight, shivering and shuddering in the early morning cold, tried to keep her eye on anything but the alicorn that sat before her.

She froze, however, when a tingling warmth surrounded her. She looked up with wide eyes and found a golden blanket wrapped around her.

“Sorry,” Celestia said with a chuckle. “I often forget that not everypony is as used to waking up before dawn as I am.”

“It’s fine,” Starlight said quickly. She paused and ran a hoof along the soft cotton. “But thank you.”

“It’s my pleasure. I’m still incredibly grateful that you accepted my invitation. Not many ponies would agree to meet with me so early, no matter how many scones I make.” Celestia took a swig of her tea and looked out over the horizon. “Call me an egotist, but I’ve always loved sunrises. There’s no better time for tea, in my opinion.”

“Uh-huh,” Starlight said, following the Princess’ gaze. Pale yellow light smeared across the sky as the sun approached. Starlight couldn’t remember the last time she’d watched the sunrise; back in Our Town, she would wake up early every morning to see it. She had almost forgotten how beautiful it could be.

“Ponyville has a wonderful hill to watch sunrises from,” Celestia said. “Has Twilight ever taken you?”

“No.” Starlight rubbed her foreleg. “I mean, she offered. A few times. I just said no.”

“Oh?”

Starlight stammered a bit, then said, “I was busy.”

“You certainly look it,” Celestia said.

Starlight went rigid as Celestia reached across the table and ran a hoof through her scraggly mane. Limp locks of hair hung in streaks across her face. Celestia brushed the hair out of Starlight’s eyes, then offered her a grin. Starlight nearly collapsed.

“I—” Starlight gulped. “I haven’t had much time to brush my mane lately.”

Celestia nodded. “I see.”

Silence washed over them.

“Starlight,” Celestia said, pouring herself another cup of tea. “You seem nervous.”

“What? No!” said Starlight. She put on a grin and lifted her still-full teacup exactly two inches off the table. It shook in her magic. “I’m fine. Just perfect, Your Highness.”

“Do you know why I invited you here?” Celestia asked. She paused and looked down at Starlight, but got no response. “Twilight tells me that you’re having some trouble making friends. More specifically: you’re not even trying.”

“She told you...?” Starlight looked away and sneered. “Easy for her to say. Twilight doesn’t have to worry. She never worries about anything—” Starlight threw a hoof to her mouth. “I’m sorry, Your Highness, that was rude, I really didn’t mean it, you have to forgive—”

“Twilight says you haven’t been going outside at all,” Celestia continued. “She says you barely even leave your room. When she tries to talk to you, you brush her off, or just don’t answer. Is this true?”

Starlight didn’t answer.

“What’s wrong?” Celestia raised a brow. “Are you worried about what ponies will think of you? What they’ll say?”

“No, that’s not it,” Starlight said. “Almost no one in Equestria actually knows about anything I did. And I gotta give Ponyville credit: even if they were to find out, most of them would probably forgive me anyway. That’s just who they are.”

“What’s the matter, then?”

“I—I’m scared.” Starlight took a hard swallow. “Scared that I’ll destroy the world again.” She forced herself to look Celestia in the eye. “Think about it. When I traveled back in time, all I did was say a few words, move a few clouds. All I did was stop a stupid race between some foals. And what happened? Millions of ponies died. I nearly destroyed the universe.”

Starlight dropped her head. “I can’t risk that again.”

Celestia frowned. “So you’re avoiding the risk by…?”

“Locking myself in my room, away from everypony,” Starlight said. “Making myself a complete nonfactor in the world. If I live, nothing happens. If I die, nothing happens. I don’t leave a trace.” She sighed. “The only way to beat the Butterfly Effect is to avoid the butterfly altogether.”

“Mhm.” Celestia sipped her tea. “And what if by doing nothing, you trigger something?”

Starlight went pale. “Princess, please, don’t say that. Goddess knows I'm barely holding myself together as is.”

“You can’t spend your entire life being scared of the future,” Celestia said. “Imagine if everypony thought like that. Nothing would happen!”

“Nopony would suffer,” Starlight whispered.

“Nopony would live,” said Celestia. She rested a hoof on Starlight’s. “Your cause is noble, Starlight, but the world is what it is. Ponies suffer, yes. Things happen. I hate to be blunt, but locking yourself away isn’t going to stop that. You’ll just be wasting your life.”

Starlight snorted and snatched her hoof away. “You don’t understand. I mean, you’re an immortal alicorn princess; what could you possibly know about suffering? About messing up so bad that ponies die?

Celestia shook her head. “More than you might think, my little pony.”

“I’m sure,” Starlight said, narrowing her eyes. “With all due respect, Your Highness: I don’t care what you say. I’ve seen firsthoof how even the smallest of actions can destroy lives. I’m not risking everypony’s safety just so I can be comfortable.”

Another flood of silence filled the air. Starlight’s face burned. She kept her ears flat as she stared into her cup of tea. She had already been out of her room too long. She needed to get home, before she did something she would regret. She moved to stand up—

“Maybe you’re right,” Celestia said resignedly. “Maybe we should all just lock ourselves away in our bedrooms and not ever do anything again. Maybe that would be safer for all of us.”

Starlight sat back down and simpered. “I’m glad you’re seeing it my way.”

“Absolutely. Let’s stop everything!” Celestia said. She smirked. “I’ll start: I’m never going to raise the sun again.”

“Sure, that’s—what?” Starlight recoiled. “What are you talking about?”

“You said we’d be better off not leaving a trace. What leaves a bigger trace than the sun?” Celestia said. She happily scarfed down a scone. “And think about it: what if by raising the sun, I accidentally blind a pegasus, who then crashes into a mountain, which causes an avalanche and crushes some village below? We’re better off not taking the risk, right?”

Starlight frowned. “That’s ridiculous, and you know it.”

“Is it? By your logic, it’s reason enough to stop doing anything.”

“Yes, well...” Starlight searched her brain for a rebuttal, but all she could come up with was, “You have to keep moving the sun. If you don’t, everypony will die anyway.”

Celestia raised a brow. “So what you’re saying is that I can’t just lock myself away?”

“That isn’t fair!” Starlight said, stomping a hoof. “You aren’t a normal pony! You need to stick around for ponies to survive, sure. But I don’t. When I die, the world won’t lose anything but a potential threat.”

“You don’t think anyone will mourn for you?” Celestia asked. “Not your family? Your friends?”

“I haven’t visited home in years. My parents probably don’t even know I’m still alive,” Starlight spat. “And friends? Really? You said it yourself: I haven’t made any friends. No one will notice when I’m gone.”

“I think Twilight might,” said Celestia.

A chill spidered down Starlight’s back. “I guess.” She shrugged. “Maybe.”

“No, not maybe.” Celestia smiled. “I know Twilight. I know that right now, she wants nothing more than to see you happy, to spend time getting to know you better. But you’re shutting her out. Your fears are keeping you from embracing what could end up being the greatest friendship of your life.

“Twilight didn’t invite you to live in her home out of boredom, Starlight. I didn’t order her to. She did it because she saw the good in you. She saw a mare willing to change and willing to use her potential to help others. She saw a friend.”

A tiny laugh echoed from Celestia’s lips. “Even now, sitting here, swearing to me that you’re nothing but a threat, you’re willing to lock yourself away for the rest of your life, all to help ponies you don’t even know. You’re more concerned with keeping everypony safe than your own happiness. That’s the sort of selflessness some would die to possess. The world needs ponies like you.”

“But what if I mess up?” Starlight asked, voice straining. “What if I hurt somepony?”

“What if you bring about the greatest day in somepony’s life?” Celestia asked. “In your life?”

Starlight chewed on her lip. “I don’t think that’s possible,” she said in a quiet voice.

“I know you’re scared,” Celestia said. “But there comes a time when you have to put away the hypotheticals. It’s true: when you step out your door, you’re taking a risk. And sure, you might save yourself some pain by locking yourself away. But you’re going to miss out on so much more.”

Starlight closed her eyes. She tried to imagine what she could be missing out on, but nothing came. All she saw were nightmares: the end of civilization, never-ending wars. She thought of herself, crying in the corner of a damp cave, run out of the prison camp she called a utopia. What part of that was worth living through?

“I’m gonna miss out?” Starlight asked, scowling. “On what?”

“How about going on a picnic with a good friend?” Celestia asked. She raised her teacup high. “Or the simple joy of talking over tea?” She turned to the horizon and lit her horn. “Or all this?”

Starlight glanced towards the east and found herself caught. Blazing blues and reds and oranges leaped across the sky. Birdsong filled the branches below. The rising sun, the full force of Celestia’s grace, grabbed hold of Starlight’s weary eyes and held them wide open. A tiny warmth sparked in Starlight’s chest, spreading throughout her body—it felt like a flickering ember, a sunrise of her own.

She didn’t flinch as Celestia tightened the blanket around her shoulders, nor as Celestia’s magic sunk deep into her mane.

“Life is always a risk,” said Celestia as she fixed up Starlight’s mane. She let one wavy lock fall to side of her horn, and brushed out the rest so it would trail down her neck. “But it’s one worth taking.”

For the first time that morning, Starlight drank her tea. The sunrise in her chest just grew warmer.


Starlight Glimmer returned to Ponyville in the early afternoon, just in time to catch Twilight heading off for her picnic. Asking Twilight if she could tag along was the single most frightening five minutes of Starlight’s life. The two walked to the park together, side-by-side. Upon arrival, Starlight gritted her teeth and waited for Twilight's friends to send her away—their beaming smiles caught her off guard.

As the day passed on, Starlight found herself astonished by Twilight’s fathomless knowledge of magic. She got caught up in a long conversation with Rainbow Dash, who wanted to know all about her younger self. Fluttershy wowed Starlight with her knack for speaking every language known to squirrel, and Applejack made an apple pie to die for. Rarity complimented Starlight’s new manestyle—“Très chic, darling!”—and offered to sew her a dress to match. And Starlight never could have guessed how well gut-busting laughter went with cupcakes.

When the time came to head home, Starlight didn’t want to leave—in fact, she didn’t want to spend another minute in the dungeon she called a bedroom ever again.

Author's Note:

Check out this blog for some inside info on how this story came to be: Daria Glimmer, Princess of Snark (OR: Why We Should Air My Little Pony on MTV)

Comments ( 56 )

I'm glad you wrote this. I'm a person who often locks myself away (without any of the noble intentions Starlight had), and this story's been more helpful than any of the bits of advice I've been fed over the years. Thank you.

Good job catching the characterizations of Celestia and Starlight both, and very nice work with the sunrise imagery. :twilightsmile:

Comment posted by Boulder deleted Jun 20th, 2016

ז Have faith Starlight!

Speaking as someone that battles some pretty severe depression from time to time, this fic puts so much of what I deal with into such fantastic words. Bravo!

"Living might mean taking chances, / but they're worth taking. / Loving might be a mistake, / but it's worth making" (Lee Ann Womack--I Hope You Dance).

From another agoraphobic recluse: this was beautiful.

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Thank you for reading! I'm glad I could write a story that you were able to relate to. I hope it brightened your day, even just a little bit.

7322490
I was worried that the sunrise stuff might have been too heavy-handed... happy that you liked it. Thanks for reading.

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Back in the days before puberty came along and ruined my voice, I used to perform with my father as a singer/guitar duo. Womack's I Hope You Dance was one of the first songs I ever learned as a child. Thank you for reminding me of it—it really is relevant here.

I'm not sure that I entirely agree with the way you chose to characterize Starlight, but it was a good story over all. I think it makes an interesting rebuttal to fans that are so caught up on the season 5 finale that they think Starlight should be 'locked up' somewhere for her 'crimes'... When the pony that's doubting and punishing Starlight the most is probably Starlight herself.

Good work.

Loved it in the writeoff, loved it even more now.

I forgot to comment on this earlier, but it's good, and nicely expanded from the writeoff version. Rock on. :twilightsmile:

the authors of this site continue to amaze me.

but the moral of the story begs to be asked.

Do i leave poni behind to live actual life, or continue to live through others written word?

luckily, i've got 8 months to decide.

time to add this to my library, you to my follow list, and to consume your other works.

I think... you may have given me a lot to think about, just now...

Saving this one in my favorites so I can reread it whenever the existential dread starts piling up. Wonderful read, thank you. :heart:

I like this story but its nothing to go crazy about. Most of the story is celestia and starlight just talking about risk which I have to commend to the writer. Like I said nothing to go crazy about 5/10

I think it's strange that so many people found this so touching. It starts off close to home, but no one has such clear and well-reasoned justifications for their anxieties (or if they do, the stated reasons are incomplete).

The fact that a single rational discussion is sufficient to break Starlight's habit strikes me as way off. As the saying goes, you can't reason someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into, and very few people reason themselves into mental disorders.

Celestia was right. You break nothing by doing nothing. But by doing nothing you don't live.
Nicely written, this was a lovely read :twilightsmile:

“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

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To be fair, if we hold to the theory that time travel just creates alternate timelines/parallel dimensions branching off the point from when the affected event occurs, then Starlight Glimmer is responsible for death and suffering of almost everyone in each world Twilight went to. All those upsets and wars. And that last one, with what may very well have been a world that was completely dead. Those people lived out their lives in misery and bloodshed, or... they just died, in one case.

Far as I'm concerned Starlight's got a bigger killcount than anyone remotely related to MLP. If she truly reflected on what they'd have had to have gone through, for what was to her a couple of minutes, but for them their entire lives... severe and crippling depression would be damn near automatic, and essentially reasoned into.

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*nods*

Emotions aren't necessarily rational; it's not always possible to rationalize your way out of them.

I think the author did touch on how much effort it takes to overcome irrational emotion. Starlight didn't just leap out and enjoy the rest of her life, she had to make those first few terrifying steps before she got rolling. It was kind of a fast transition, though I think that may have been the brevity of the story's falling action.

I really loved the sentiment in this... but I really couldn't feel invested simply because this is such an enormous departure from Starlight's character that we've seen in the show. Almost the polar opposite in fact. It's hard to reconcile the difference and stay immersed.

But the ideas spoke on are always worth talking about, the dialogue was great, and it was technically excellent to boot. Editing and format were tip top.

Very good overall!

I reviewed this story as part of Read It Now Reviews #84.

My review can be found here.

I found this to be enjoyable. Although Star felt to depressed here....wait is that.....oh I get it. That's what it's suppose to be. Hmm well over all good story.

-BFBL

This is a very good one-shot.

No, not maybe.” Celestia smiled. “I know Twilight.

She sighed and face-hooded, "Knowing Twilight, if you died she'd probably go mad trying to resurrect you with Really Super Dark Magic and either turn into a necromancer or end up opening a portal to Satan Land and dooming us all to eternal demonic torment. Honestly, I have to wonder why I picked a student so obviously prone to turning to evil in fanfics..."

Starlight Glimmer blinked, "Fanfics? Wait... you mean... WE DON'T EVEN ACTUALLY EXIST?!" She instantly went catatonic.

Celestia facehoofed again, "Great, take a pony out of one existential crisis and lead her straight into another. Way to go, Celestia."

:trollestia:

It’s true: when you step out your door, you’re taking a risk.

Doing nothing to is a risk. Heck! Killing yourself is a risk, one you won't see the consequences of, but still a risk.

...
Well, probably why I've got anxiety trouble.

What about a battle of dread at night?

Maybe ‘scones’ was a code word for some type of ancient alicorn torture.

No, but if she offers you any bananas, then run. :trollestia:

Call me an egotist, but I’ve always loved sunrises.

Flawless delivery. :pinkiehappy:

“Easy for her to say. Twilight doesn’t have to worry. She never worries about anything—”

We are talking about the same neurotic lavender alicorn librarian here, aren't we?:rainbowlaugh:

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I admit I thought more of this:
“It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
:twilightsmile:

Interesting to see how Starlight tries the other extreme. It does fit. She is a mare of extremes.

That is a very different interpretation of a guilty conscious. I rather like it.

TRYING REALLY HARD TO HATE CELESTIA! YOU ARE MAKING MY JOB MUCH MORE DIFFICULT!!!

Seriously though, this is good.

Awesome story! I read it on write off. :rainbowlaugh:

This here?
This should have been the ending of the Season 5 finale, rather than that montage.
Beautifully written. :twilightsmile:

7331965 Why are you trying to hate Celestia?

7482745 She is a stupid idiot who has done barely anything useful in the last 1000 years. That 'nuff?

An excellent job of bridging the gap for Starlight. A scene like this should have really been in the show, as it would have actually given her arc a lot more weight. Also, an excellent reminder that fear can paralyze us completely. Well done! :twilightsmile:

Fantastic story and a great look into what Starlight's frame of mind could have been like after the Season 5 finale.

Pretty well written. The message is relatable, especially for people who may have suffered from some kind of depressive mental problems, or guilt, or things like that.

Maybe ‘scones’ was a code word for some type of ancient alicorn torture.

Insert Trollestia joke here. :trollestia:

Good story about Celestia & Starlight having a talk: student's student to teacher's teacher!

Starlight snorted and snatched her hoof away. “You don’t understand. I mean, you’re an immortal alicorn princess; what could you possibly know about suffering? About messing up so bad that ponies die?”

Umm...because Princess Celestia's immortal, she's had to have fought countless battles or wars.

First confirmed one: putting a stop to Discord. While the draconequus might not directly harm ponies (he's never been shown using any sort of weapon or offensive magical blasts), his indirect actions can, and have, led to indirect suffering. Examples: poison joke, those black vines, 'Discordification' (doesn't leave wounds, just changes the target's personality. Any wounds that result are from the changed pony's conscious actions, not directly from Discord).
So Celestia and Luna must've faced some serious threats getting to him.

Second: Nightmare Moon. Celestia had to suffer through being the subject of her sister's scorn, and then the fact that she was forced to fight her in order to protect not only herself, but her subjects (which is the reason why Luna fell in the first place). Despite constantly pleading with Luna to stop, the white alicorn had no choice but to use the Elements of Harmony (three of which 'belonged' to her sister) against the dark alicorn, and then deal with not being able to see her for goddess-knows-how-long (until she found out about the 'millennium-long' thing, then she had to wait the rest of the millennium). That must've been awful - heck, if Nightmare Moon had defeated the new Element Bearers, then Celestia might've been forced to end her. Sororicide. Eurgh - I would not want to be in Celestia's situation, considering I have a younger brother...
Not to mention that Celestia would be eternally reminded of her failures, and the resulting loss of her sister, every time she had to move the moon - I expect never-ending nightmares and centuries-long mourning period, if she ever recovers at all. Ugh. :pinkiesad2:

Celestia also said she fought against Tirek, but not much is known about this, compared to the other two. Still, fighting a magic-devouring monster can't have been suffering-free, considering how Alicorn Magic x4 Twilight failed to seriously hurt 'absorbed all normal pony magic' Tirek - Celestia didn't have that same amount of magical might, so it would've been harder. Then again, there was most likely a significantly smaller pony population, so not as much magic for Tirek to absorb...Eh, it'd be a difficult fight regardless.

While this next bit isn't explored at all in the show (I've never read the comics, so I don't know if they cover this or anything else), there's also the aforementioned millennium between Luna's banishment and Luna's return. Celestia could not have had a millennium of peace; she would've had to deal with dragons, griffons, diamond dogs, and other naturally-violent races whilst trying to broker deals and enter negotiations. If those broke down? I expect quite a number of fights occurred before everyone settled down and stopped announcing wars on their neighbours. Heck, from what the show's, er, shown us, dragons will not listen to anyone unless they best them in combat (or manage to terrify them - FlutterRAGE :flutterrage:), so violence almost certainly occurred between whoever the Dragon Lord was and Celestia, resulting from a most-likely minor dragon-on-pony assault charge.
Griffons tend to be more hot-blooded than ponies, so a minor incident could easily result in a major battle, or heated discussions between the griffon leader and Celestia.

Lastly, Celestia lost her previous student due to their arrogance and stubbornness. If Sunset had managed to pull off her Element-of-Magic-fueled mass-hypnosis and demon-self-transmogrification plan, then she would've sent her army, and herself, through the mirror portal and after Celestia. If that had occurred, then the Princess would've had to duel with, and possibly even kill, said previous student. One that Celestia still cares for. It would be like another Luna, in terms of suffering felt, and we both know how painful being forced to end someone you still care for is.

So basically, Starlight, Princess Celestia knows exactly what suffering's like. She's witnessed countless deaths (most from old age or sickness, but some from combat), she's seen countless ponies suffering (including herself), and she was almost forced to kill two ponies she loved dearly. That's not even counting alternate Celestias, such as Sombra-War-Celestia. Being forced to send ponies to a vicious war, and create unnatural factories instead of farms, and see countless deaths occur around you because nopony could stop Sombra from invading the Crystal Empire? Horrifying. And Celestia's not even shown in the other timelines, so who knows what she encountered in them.

sunrise in her chest
Nice turn of phrase.

That’s the sort of selflessness some would die to possess.

This phrase is so self-contradictory in some way that it is beautiful.

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Yep, that's all very true. It's terrible that Starlight would make an assumption like that. I mean, whenever I'm in the throes of a major depressive episode and don't believe there's any way my life could possibly have any positive effect on the world, I'm always perfectly open to rational arguments to the contrary. I certainly would never blindly generalize the worst case scenario. That would be very out of character.

When the time came to head home, Starlight didn’t want to leave—in fact, she didn’t want to spend another minute in the dungeon she called a bedroom ever again.

So instead she just slept on the sofa until Twilight Kicked her back into her room. :pinkiecrazy:

Seriously though, this story is excellent.

Call me an egotist, but I’ve always loved sunrises. There’s no better time for tea, in my opinion.

I don't think that word means what you think it does.

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Egotist: "a person who is excessively conceited or self-absorbed; self-seeker."

That's exactly what I meant.

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Enjoying the sunrise isn't going to make her an egotist because she and the sunrise are completely separate things. Admiring the sunrise isn't admiring herself, she raises the sun but that doesn't make it or the sunrise part of her so again, she's not admiring herself.

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Celestia causes the sunrise; in the excerpt you quoted, she's saying that the best part of the day is the part that she creates. Her and the sunrise being separate concepts/entities has nothing to do with it. If I go around saying that the only good stories on this site are mine, or that people only visit to read my work, that'd still be an egotistical statement even if I'm talking about my stories and not myself.

Looking into Princess Celestia’s eyes was like biting a lightning bolt

This line is amazing.


Don’t look back in anger, Glimmer. ;)

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You sing?!

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