Despair

by Framwinkle

Despair

This has been the worst day of my life.

I woke up this morning in my own bed, but not in my own body. Somehow I had hooves instead of hands and feet, I was covered in blue fur, and I was much shorter than I was supposed to be. I was a pony. I didn't know how, or why, but I was a pony! But not just a pony, a pony with wings! As if being a pony wasn't crazy enough already.

After I had screamed for a minute, I ran around the house and screamed some more, tripping and stumbling as I went in this unfamiliar body, but there was no one home. My family was gone. There was no one to help me. No one to tell me this was all a horrible dream and that it was going to be alright. No one to tell me I was acting stupid and to go back to bed. No one at all.

When I calmed down enough to start crying, I tried to call my friends, but my phone was dead. It was hot in the house, and the lights and air conditioning wouldn't come on. Looking out the dirty windows, I saw that the lawn and trees were all dead, too.

I tried to get something to eat, but the fridge was full of dried mold, and no water would come from the tap. All I had left were a few canned sodas that I couldn't open, and half a box of cereal, which I dropped and spilled all over the filthy floor, causing me to cry more out of frustration. Finally, I found a bag of tortilla chips, but I couldn't open it. In anger I stomped down on the bag with my hooves and it popped open, spilling broken chips out on the floor. There were still some chips in the bag, though, so I stuffed my face inside and ate the stale things, still crying.

I went back to bed when I was done eating. I was worn out from all the panic and crying, and I felt hopeless. My life was already bad enough. Why did this have to happen, and why to me? It was too hot to sleep under the covers, so I lay down on top of them, turned my pillow over to the side that wasn't covered in dust, and hoped things would be back to normal when I awoke.

When I did wake up hours later, I found myself curled up on my bed like a dog, my tail... my magenta tail curled up near my nose. It hadn't been a dream. I was still living this awful nightmare. Night-"mare", I thought. How fitting. I started crying again.

By now there was no avoiding it. I had to use the bathroom. There wasn't even any water in the toilet bowl, but I tried using it anyway. I could barely reach the seat, and fell off a few times before I finally managed to figure out how to stay put long enough to do my business. I flushed out of habit, and a tiny bit of water flowed into the bowl. The toilet still had water! Then I realized that the tank wasn't refilling, and that I'd just flushed away the only water in the house. Except for the toilet in the other bathroom!

I ran to the other bathroom, still stumbling most of the way, and carefully climbed up onto the closed seat. With some effort I pushed off the lid of the tank, letting it fall to the floor with a heavy clunk. There was water there! But not very much, and it was a deep, unnatural blue color because of the cleaning tablet that had been put in the tank. It was all useless and undrinkable.

I tried going back to the first bathroom, because that water had been clear, and pushed the lid off that tank too, but what little water was left was too far down for me to reach it with my mouth. I tried using a cup from the kitchen to scoop it out, but I couldn't make it work with my stupid hooves.

I had to get help. I didn't know what had happened, but there had to be somebody who could help me. It took forever, but I finally managed to open the front door by pinching the doorknob between my front hooves, and I stepped outside. It was even hotter out here, and I was sweating after just a few minutes. The whole neighborhood was dead and brown, and everything was covered in a layer of dust and sand. There were no cars on the road, no sign of anyone. I pounded on my neighbors' doors, but no one answered. Their doors were all locked, and I couldn't see anyone through the windows. Were they all gone too, like my family? Why would they all leave me behind?

I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I started walking. I had to go slow so I wouldn't trip, but I walked for hours. I was hot, and my mouth was so dry, but there wasn't any water anywhere. We were in the middle of the desert, after all. I had to find some water somewhere.

I got the idea of trying to go to a store to find some bottled water, and made my way towards one that I knew of. When I arrived I found that the windows had been smashed in, and there was debris littering the parking lot. Had there been a riot? At least it made getting in easier, since the doors wouldn't open for me.

The store was ransacked. In the light from the skylights I could see useless items from the shelves scattered all over the floors, but I ignored them, going straight for the soda aisles. They were empty. Everything, even the beer, was gone. I checked the rest of the store, but every place that should have had something to drink was empty. Someone had cleaned it all out and left nothing behind. What was I going to do now? I even checked the bathrooms, but all the toilets were automatic, without tanks, so even that wasn't an option. Defeated, I left the store and continued walking.

I was nearing downtown, so I decided to head towards the tallest building. Maybe there was someone there? Or maybe I could just go to the roof and try to see what I could see.

The doors here were smashed as well, so being mindful of the sand-covered glass, I stepped inside. It was dark, and of course the elevators didn't work, so I found the door to the stairwell. Even though it was steel, this door had been smashed, too, enough that it wouldn't close properly anymore. Were those... hoof marks? I went through and started up the stairs, thankful that there were small windows letting in light from outside. Climbing all those floors took forever, but at least I didn't slip and fall down any stairs.

There was light at the top of the stairwell, and it seemed that the door to the roof had been smashed open, too. Stepping out onto the roof I was nearly overwhelmed by the heat radiating off the rooftop. I quickly made my way to the edge and propped my front hooves up on the ledge, letting me see over the edge while the wind way up here cooled me a bit.

I could see forever, all the way to the edge of town, and everything I saw was brown and dead. I was in a dead city, and it was even more obvious from way up here. No cars, no people, no noises. Just the wind, and a layer of dust on everything around me. I was in a dead city, and I was as good as dead, too.

I didn't even know what had happened, and it didn't matter. I had no idea how to survive on my own. I'd never even been camping! I had no chance here, and no way to get out. It seemed like years had passed, even though everything had been fine just last night. But now there was no food, no water, no anything. It was hopeless. Life hated me, and now it was just rubbing it in.

I cried again for a long time while staring down at the empty streets. I was really going to die. I wanted to just go home, but the sun was starting to set now, and home was miles away, so I couldn't even go back before dark, and there was no way I was going to try walking home like this without streetlights. What options did I have?

None. Even going home wouldn't solve this, so what was the point? There was nothing for me there anyway, and never had been, really. The roof wasn't so hot now and I made my way back to the stairwell, but without direct sunlight, it was nearly pitch black, and I was sure I'd kill myself falling down those dark steps.

That was an option. Not the steps, but maybe something else. I turned and slowly made my way back to the ledge, looking down at the darkening streets again. It would be a simple thing to just throw myself off. The fall would be scary, but I wouldn't even feel anything when I hit. It would sure beat starving to death, anyway.

I remembered those stupid wings on my back and turned to look at them. If only I could use them to fly down, I thought. Yeah, right. Concentrating, I managed to get them to open and took a good look at them while giving them a few feeble and uncoordinated test flaps. There was no way they were big enough to let me fly. I doubt they'd even slow me down when I fell. This was just another one of life's cruel jokes.

So why not? If this is what life had given me, if this is the kind of crud it was going to pull on me, then why not roll with it? Life gave me wings? Fine! I'll "use" them! If life was going to mock me yet again, then so be it! At least I could pretend I was flying on the way down. I'd always wanted to fly, and that might even make it a little less scary.

Looking straight down at the pavement below, I pictured the spot where my body would lay and had to remind myself that it wouldn't even be the body of a human. Instead, I made myself picture a pony down there. A stupid, worthless animal, with stupid, worthless wings. Despite the height of the building, I knew it would only be a few seconds before I reached the ground. A few pitiful seconds and then it would all be over, and this nightmare would end.

I cried a while longer. The sun was down now, and only the light from twilight still lit the city. If I waited any more I wouldn't even be able to see the ground that would kill me. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad if I couldn't even see it coming? No. If I was going to do this, I was going to have to do it now. It seemed strange, but I thought I might not have the courage to leap out into the dark.

Steeling myself, I spread my useless wings as wide as they would go and got ready to launch myself over the edge. I looked down again, wondering if this was really the right thing to do, but what other choice did I have? I couldn't survive here, and had no where else to go, or any way to get there even if I did. It's now or never, I told myself. I would either die here and now, on my own terms, or slowly starve later.

I chose now.

With a kick from my back legs, and some help from my front, I was over the edge. For a brief moment I just hung there in the air, my wings outstretched in what I'm sure would have been a majestic pose, as my heart started racing and adrenaline surged into my system. Then I started falling. I resisted the urge to scream, and to help with that, despite telling myself I wanted to see my death coming, I closed my eyes. I could feel the air begin rushing past me as I fell faster, and faster. I could feel it as it tickled the hairs on my hide, blew through my mane, and slid over my feathers. I could feel it as I rushed towards it. I could feel it as I went through it. I could feel it after I'd gone past it. I could really feel it!

Every eddy that I left in my wake was there in my mind, and I could feel... no, I could see them! Even with my eyes closed, I could somehow see the air, like some kind of sixth sense I'd never had before. It was amazing! As I rushed through the air, I could make out its every detail all around me, and I knew it! I knew the air! I'd never experienced anything like this before, not even in dreams, and I wanted more! It felt so natural, so free, like this was what I was meant for. Maybe this really was what I was meant for?

Maybe there was hope? Maybe I shouldn't give up yet, and things didn't have to end like this after all? I started flapping my wings furiously. If only I could turn this fall into a dive! If only I could pull up in time! If only...

...I was in a library.

It was huge. I was stunned as I looked around me and saw shelf after shelf of books, stretching so high I wasn't sure I could even see the ceiling. I'd never seen a library this large. There were more books here than I could possibly count. More than I even thought existed!

Then I heard her. I looked down in front of me, and standing there was a greenish pony, a bit smaller than me - maybe younger, I guess - but without wings. She was crying as she looked at me with her huge eyes that seemed like they were staring right into my soul.

"I'm sorry," she said, sobbing. "I'm so, so sorry."

Author's Note:

This story is part of the "Ponies After People" continuity, and won't make much sense to you unless you've at least read "The Last Pony On Earth", although I highly recommend all four stories in the official series.

A lot of other side stories in this series seem to follow a familiar pattern, where someone either starts out from the time of the event, or returns a short time later, but is essentially in an untouched city where resources are plentiful, and it's just a matter of gathering what they need to survive, and finding others like them. They may even have moderate help from Equestrians who stayed behind, or from Princess Luna herself when she visits them in their dreams.

But most people who return won't be so lucky. They would have a hard time finding what they need to survive because things have either decayed, or already been taken by others before them. Likewise, with Princess Luna cut off when the universes drifted too far apart, and help from the Equestrians not likely, most people would be on their own, with no clue as to what had happened.

This story is set a year or two after the "Event", after their city has already been scavenged and abandoned. In addition, I wanted to explore what might happen if an average person, with no survival skills, who was already generally depressed, got thrown into such a bleak survival scenario.

I admit this story is very dark, especially for me, but I thought it should be told because I imagine it would actually be all too common.

Comments

[Fana Farouche]

Did she die? I'm a little confused. The presence of the dark/sad/tragedy tags suggests she did, but the text is vague.

[Framwinkle]

7456680 Yes, she did. That's why she was suddenly in the library, because that's where Archive seems to meet so many people who have passed on from before, and I presume also after, the event.

[Fistfire]

It's a short sad take. You get a 'like'.

[Pholus]

I loved it so much, every aspect

[Celefin]

I like the dark and realistic setting and the view of how an already burdened mind could quickly be pushed over the edge, faced with such desolation. Have a green thumb.

[Goodluckfox]

Wait, I never saw anything about Archive and the afterlife in the original stories. What is this?

[Framwinkle]

9253876
She spoke with several dead people in the library, including Julius Caesar, when she needed advice. I admit I'm making a bit of a leap to assume that the newly dead would end up there, but let's call it artistic licence.

[PresentPerfect]

I wish you'd gone into why the protagonist's life was so terrible. Not really feeling the buildup to the suicide because of that.