Mom Wars (Bonus Chapter)
Princess Celestia glanced down at the novel she held in her aura and winced. On the cover was a fully armored guard equipped with a sword battling against some red-and-gold dragon. Shielded behind the lock-jawed guard was, of course, one clearly shaken and terrified mare.
Maybe it won’t be as bad as the cover suggests, she thought brightly, before eventually skimming the title of the blasted thing. Never mind.
“Cool artwork, huh?”
Looking up, Celestia addressed the guard currently sitting alone on her throne room floor. He held his legs close to his chest like some excited child would. It was his book that Celestia held in front of her, after all.
If only it wasn’t Equestria’s official Reading Week, Celestia mused begrudgingly. Then maybe I wouldn’t have been so willing to do this.
The guard staring at her expectantly had entered Celestia’s room not three short minutes ago, and during that time had already managed to convince her to read from one of his favorite books to him. She had told him fifteen minutes tops. Or until the castle guards swapped shifts for the day. Whichever came first.
“Let’s just get this over with,” Celestia said, before another guard stuck his head alongside his oversized helmet through her doorway.
His eyes went directly to the guard on the floor. “Is the Princess gonna read it?”
The other guard only nodded with a smile, causing the guard in the doorway to enter and take a seat beside the other stallion. What followed that guard was at least another three dozen near identical guards, who all found themselves a nice place to sit inside her large open throne room before they all removed their helmets to hold in their laps. Soon all eyes settled on Celestia again.
“Oh.” Celestia suddenly found the need to clear her throat. “You all want to hear this story?”
Every guard in the room nodded.
Sighing, Celestia flipped to the book’s cover again. “All right, but only for a short while. Then we all must get back to our required duties. Agreed?”
“Yes, Princess!” they collectively agreed.
Only hope Luna doesn’t hear about any of this.
Celestia anxiously viewed the closed doors at the other end of the room before reading out the title of the book. The title alone made her want to gag. “The Guardian Known as Guard Who Guards the Guardroom.” She stared at the several seated guards flatly. “You all must really like stories about guards, mustn’t you?”
Again, they all nodded.
She swallowed and began on page one. “Once upon a time there was a great guardian named Guard, whose sole purpose in life was to guard. And guard he did! Treasures, ponies, castles, outhouses—nothing was too small for Guard the guard to guard.”
Celestia placed a hoof to her temple as if to ward off an oncoming migraine. “The whole book can’t be like this, right?” she questioned herself, using her aura to skip halfway through the novel. Her lips pulled down into a frown by what she saw. “Half the words are literally guard. Oh, Lord of Light, give me strength.”
One of her guards raised a hoof. “The best part is in book six when Guard the guard gets promoted to night duty and has to guard the supposedly haunted wax sculpture museum all by himself!”
“Do any of the wax sculptures come to life, perhaps?” Celestia asked, mildly interested.
The guard shook his head. “Nah. Nothing all that exciting happens in the series until the twelfth book. I guess that’s why we all like these stories so much. They’re so realistic it’s like I’m right there with Guard the guard as he guards!”
A fellow guard turned to him. “Remember that time Guard found that discarded piece of gum on the floor and threw it in the trash so no pony would step on it?”
“Do I!” the other guard chirped. “I didn’t think I’d ever get to sleep after reading that!”
Celestia jerked back awake when both doors to the throne room suddenly shot inwards and two ponies in white coats hauled a wagon loaded with various colorful tubs and waffle cones inside the room. In each of the two ponies’ shirt pockets were silver ice cream scoops.
Only after the ice cream wagon finally ground to a halt did Princess Luna enter as well.
“Oh?” She held a hoof to her lips in mock confusion. “Is now a bad time?”
“Actually, now’s a—” perfect time, Celestia was about to finish, before Luna effortlessly stole the room from her.
Luna held one foreleg out. “Greetings, loyal subjects! It is I, your one and only Princess Luna! Here with a treat for you all!” She motioned to the wagon full of ice cream, as if everyone had somehow ignored it up to that point. “Ice cream cones on the house! Or… one could say on the castle, in this case. But I digress: want one scoop? Two? Bah! Three scoops of delicious flavors? Be my guests and enjoy! What better way to spend a day than with a tasty ice cream treat courtesy of your favorite Princess?”
From the moment Luna had busted through the doors, all eyes in the room had been drawn to her and remained there. Celestia was having a hard time telling if her sister actually enjoyed being stared at all that much… or by so many at once. The faint traces of sweat on her sister’s temples were evidence enough.
“Really? Our very own ice cream cones?” One of the guards got to his hooves to make his way over to the loaded ice cream wagon. One of the ponies in the white coats got their scoops out of their pockets and ready to serve. Until…
“I wouldn’t fill up on too much ice cream, if I were you,” Celestia said casually from the other end of the room. She occupied herself by absently running a file along a hoof. “Didn’t I explain to you all before about our afternoon trip to Canterlot Springs?”
“Canterlot Springs?” It was the same guard that had started towards the ice cream display. “You mean that new waterpark that opened up in Canterlot? The one with the wave pool and the sixteen different water slides? Including the ones that go upside down and inside out?”
Celestia’s eyes remained fixed on her thin file and hoof. “Didn’t I ever mention our trip before? I only thought since you’ve all been working so hard lately, that the castle’s guards deserved a nice afternoon outside to help soak up the sun. I heard it’s going to be a scorcher today; perfect water slide weather, if you ask me.”
By the ice cream wagon, Luna growled deep in her throat. “Well, of course, it is going to be sunny today! Who could be in charge of that coincidence, I wonder?”
Celestia narrowed her eyes at her. Her sister did the same.
“Fine,” Luna began thickly. “Enjoy your fun in the sun this afternoon all you want, but heed my warning and heed it well: save your strength! For this evening the guards and I shall be partaking in Equestria’s first and, without a doubt, largest water balloon fight of all time!”
A hooful of guards started to whisper between themselves. It seemed the pot had not been sweetened enough yet.
Luna smirked. “And did I mention the field of play will be located inside the realm of dreams itself?”
That seemed to finally do the trick, as most of the guards in the room went ohhh and awww altogether.
“Now who still wants ice cream?” Luna signaled to the wagon again, finally prompting more of the guards off the floor. Clearly, Celestia wasn’t about to have any of that.
“Whoever passes on ice cream today is entitled to a brand new weapon from Deathblows free of charge! They may also carry it around with them anytime during their rounds!”
Once more, a large smattering of the guards stopped and stared, several of their mouths forming a perfect O in surprise. “Deathblows?” one of them asked her bewildered. “That super dangerous weapons store in Ponyville? I thought you didn’t want any of us going there before, your highness?”
Celestia could only sigh while rolling her eyes. “Then it looks like I’ve changed my mind. But if we all want to get to the waterpark this afternoon and still have time to shop at Deathblows, then we’d better get a move—”
“Anyone who stays behind will get front row seats to tonight’s elaborate fireworks display performed by Princess Luna herself!” Luna held both forelegs into the air. When she caught sight of everyone looking in her direction again, she lowered them and attempted to catch her breath. “If anyone is interested or whatever. Up to you. It is all the same to me.”
All the ohhhs and awwws in the room were swiftly replaced by more hushed conversation between the guards. It appeared as if both Princesses had placed equally tempting offers onto the metaphorical table in front of them.
One shaky guard stuck his head out above the rest. “Any chance we could do some of that stuff a different day?”
“No!” both Celestia and Luna roared. They narrowed their eyes at each other again—the air between them becoming as thick as any parent’s skull that would actually let their child keep hold of something from Deathblows.
“Hope I’m not interrupting anything.”
All attention once more shifted in the room. Twilight Sparkle stood in the opened doorway, one eyebrow raised. “I didn’t see any guards when I entered the castle, so I—”
“Twily!” every guard erupted, rushing to her side before she had any faint hope of escape. One guard even went the extra mile and propelled her onto his back as he happily galloped around.
“How’s it going, sis… I mean, Princess Twilight? You haven’t visited the castle in like forever!”
“I’ll say! Did you get a new crown recently? Just last week the castle got a new shipment of crown polish, if you were interested it having it shine!”
“Still think you could beat me at checkers, Twily? I could break out the board right this second!”
Twilight—seemingly oblivious to what was occurring between the Princesses and the guards only moments ago—let herself be escorted down the hall and out of sight, all while the three dozen trailing guards tried in vain to get as close to her as possible to chew off her ears. Chuckling good-naturedly, it appeared as if they still had a long way to go before they’d eventually wear Twilight Sparkle down.
Luna crossed the room to sit next to her sister. Both appeared sullen and annoyed.
Without taking her eyes off the doorway, Celestia asked, “You want to go to Canterlot Springs and then to Deathblows this afternoon?”
Her sister also didn’t take her eyes off the doorway. “Sure. You want to watch fireworks and have a water balloon fight after that?”
“Sure,” Celestia replied. “But first some ice cream. I can see some of it melting to the floor from here.” She paused, before adding, “Funny joke.”
Luna turned to her. “I don’t get it.”
All right. Freud's calling. Time to call it a day.
Let the downward spiral continue! 
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- naturalbornderpy · 3.6k words · 1,085 14 · 15k views
- naturalbornderpy · 4.2k words · 1,405 23 · 14k views
- Dr Atlas · 4.1k words · 599 22 · 7.1k views
- naturalbornderpy · 2.6k words · 1,582 15 · 18k views
- DrakeyC · 3.9k words · 1,675 21 · 23k views
- naturalbornderpy · 4.9k words · 1,471 16 · 16k views
- PegasusMesa · 4.7k words · 892 59 · 9.4k views
- naturalbornderpy · 4.7k words · 2,778 35 · 29k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.218 seconds
Total duration
950 users online
469,861 hits today, 2,004,447 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Every kid forgets their mom for a pretty mare.
Auntie Twi's the cool one.
Auntie Cadie's the one you talk to about things you don't want Mom to hear.
Cousin Flurry Heart is the adorable one that you both want to strangle and protect from any harm.
Gave me a chuckle :P
This confirms my headcanon that all the Ponies are overgrown children and the harshest punishment for any crime is a spanking and a week without dessert. Also, ninety-percent of the crimes are some form of sweets theft.
that was pretty good, thanks dad!
Honestly I should not be as amused by this as I am. But damn this was funny.
I'm not sure if I want to
or 
. Both seem like good options.
7301572 You mean Toriel? Because as cool as motherly fire magic is, it's nothing compared to THROWING THE FUCKING SUN IN A MOTHERLY FASHION!!!
7300718 I mean, the first part.
The main chapter with the guards referring to Celestia as their mother was adorable and hilarious.
As for the bonus chapter, I loved how Twilight entered the room, got the guards' attentions, and was carried off. I also loved how she was referred as "sis" by one of the guards. 
Overall, I totally enjoyed this story.
This was hilarious! I loved it!
Melisandre serves a "Lord of Light", she also has magic, she is also about fire. Celestia controls a giant ball of fire. Celestia uses magic. There is more than one prophet for the "Lord of Light".
MLP x Game of Thrones confirmed.
I want to download the .HTML master file to read on my phone, but I get dirty .php rubbish instead. What do
7302574
No. Clearly Shub-Niggurath.
7303304
Install
GentooReplicantOSI was laughing my ass of the whole way through XD
good job
7303947 Let me laugh even harder
7304161 Ow. My heart. That picture's too cute.
7303902 Thanks. Glad you liked it.
7303051
7302686 Glad to hear!
7302275 It's weird how hesitant people are to say they enjoyed my stories. Almost like they bought my stories from some naked man in a trench-coat in the back of a 7-11 and then hurried home with them.
7302227 So... Celestia sent her guard to prank Luna and he got caught for it?
7302222 You're welcome son... daughter... internet person... transgender panda-mutant... whatever you are.
7301886 Sounds good. So that means you're writing the sequel?
We'll divide the work evenly. You write it and I'll take the credit. What's that? No deal?
7301827 Sad but true.
7301553
7301529 Thanks for saying so!
7301503 Why does everyone say that about me?
7304458
I really did thoroughly enjoy this whole story though. It was funny, cute and well written.
Also on a side note you could make a little mini series by making a story about the book Guard the guard.
It might be fun or it might get on everyone's nerves real quick just like it did for Celestia. It could be fun. This is totally a joke btw
Edit: Apparently I accidentally put the first part in spoiler bars instead of a quote box. Fixed
7304479 I was only kidding in turn with that whole bum remark. I'm actually quite happy when people say they came into one of my stories and it eventually won them over by the end.
7304492 Well I guess I'm the one who can't make out sarcasm. But then again it's hard for me to tell sarcasm in a normal face to face conversation over the over the internet.
Edit: It appears that my fingers do not want to type what I want them to correctly.
I expected one of the guards' real mothers showing up, and hilarity ensuing.
I spend too much time on this site... I recognized like 3 people just scrolling through these comments.
I was expecting him to try and recover by saying, "oh, I mean the British "m'am" like they say on Downton Abbey."
7304477
im a go with the transgender panda mutant, i like that one!
Neither do I, Luna. Neither do I.
7300718 Same
I'm pretty sure my coworkers are wondering what I'm doing and/or questioning my sanity, considering all the suppressed snorts and giggles coming from my corner of the office as I read this.
Oh my god. Momlestia is my thing and you just wrote the perfectiest thing ever
But a cute, motherly story that's both well-written and safe-for-work? Instant fave and upvote from me. c:
Wait, stop. I know where this is going..
derpicdn.net/img/2012/7/30/62062/full.png
Gag
lh3.googleusercontent.com/-O5PaScrNzhc/VHLiCqcSudI/AAAAAAAAIns/UZcUvqJxAOg/s400/please%2Bno%2Bmore.gif
Initial reaction about the museum while thinking of Night at the Museum:
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/65933156.jpg
Next reaction when reading that there are twelve books, eleven of which are boring as shit:
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/c9/c0/b4/c9c0b40ee946270534c909a8ad7a5135.jpg
Oh for fuck's sake-HERE WE GO AGAIN!
upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/3b/Paris_Tuileries_Garden_Facepalm_statue.jpg
sigh
media2.giphy.com/media/uzP9bZ0xPeiaI/200_s.gif
WOAH WOAH WAIT A SECOND...
They're not allowed to arm themselves with nothing but spears and maybe short swords?
Wha...but...but...why-
donlynturnbull.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/icant.jpg
I think I spoke too soon.
What kind of fuckery is this?
No. Stop this.
ffs
i.ytimg.com/vi/HNsqg9CB3q4/maxresdefault.jpg
i.stack.imgur.com/T5r9Z.jpg
That's it I can't take it anymore.
compsci.ca/blog/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/train_wreck.jpg
This was quite funny.
Actually a pleasant surprise. Feels like something that might've been written in the early days of the fandom. A one-shot based on a silly idea. Cute and funny.
Two problems I had. First, Celestia starts noticing this and suddenly everypony is treating her this way. Second, the guards essentially acting like children was a bit creepy. Was okay otherwise.
Here I am sitting, reading this, grinning like an idiot.
Short, funny and very nice.
7309307 You can add them to your bookmarks by clicking on the comment number and saving the URL that it generates.
This is how I picture the guards from the fic "What Princesses Need" were, and was kind of hoping there would be more to this than simply the guards regressing back to their childlike tendencies.
7303843
Toriel still beats Shub-Niggurath, Black Goat of the Woods With A Thousand Young. She's the White Goat of the Underground With A Whole Goddamn Fandom.
That ending
I loved it! I was not expecting Twilight to show up, nice plot twist 
...
My cheeks hurt. I hope they don't wrinkle. Now if only I can get the expression off my face
7305652
Took me a long while to get it but I think it's a reference to when Luna's telling the guards to laugh at her jokes in the first chapter by yelling FUNNY JOKE at them after teh 'joke'
Yo I don't care what gender you are or what you classify yourself as (be a toaster) I love you.
I really liked the first chapter, but this chapter sent me over the edge. I MUST fav this now.
how can celestia be so ungreatful after luna spared her the fate of reading the guard book ...
7307168 Or you can say it was a bad chapter and sum it all up as to why you think that in a nutshell.
7310458 It's an oddity... like most stuff in the feature box. I originally posted it with only the "SLICE OF LIFE" tag and got a comment or two about adding the "COMEDY" one since they thought it was funny. I thought only some of the Luna stuff was mildly humorous, but... well, I'm not about to complain about success.
I love how Twilight, accidentally and effortlessly, steals all the attention and just leaves with it.
7312523
7307168
Hate? Hate it?! NO NO NO! I don't hate it, I love it! I'm not reacting as if I think the authorship sucks or anything like that! You completely misinterpreted my post.
Bros, my dudes and dudettes, freaking love this story. I had non-stop lolz the whole time. My reactions are to the characters and their ridiculous behaviour and antics. Like really, eleven books of no action just guarding stuff-really bro?
Celly not allowing her guards access to a better arsenal? Say wooot? 
Lmao rip guards.
And then Luna doesn't get it when Celly says "Funny joke". Fail, much? Huehuehuehue
So those who upvoted and downvoted my post thinking I'm bashing on the story you're completely wrong. Just look at my favorites bookshelf and you'll see it in there. I love this story, it's funny as fuck!
this literally made me smile. thank you. for everything. i even teared up a bit halfway through the first chapter.
Smiles and laughs the whole time. Especially when they started getting competitive. Funny joke.
Much fun. Very exited.