• Member Since 5th Jan, 2012
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NTL


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After a long awaited training session with Rainbow Dash doesn't turn out as she expected, an upset Scootaloo gets some comfort and advice from a source she had never considered before.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 28 )
NTL

First things first: I want to thank device heretic for beta reading this and his encouraging feedback, and also Nanomight for helping me out with the beginning of this.
The thing is, English is not my first language. And while both understanding and speaking it is not a problem for me, writing fiction in a different language than my own proved to be quite the challenge. But I am glad I actually went through with it. I plan to continue doing so and hope to improve while at it. So, if you come across any mistakes (or weird phrasings), please point them out to me :twilightsmile:

Fluttershy's backstory was pretty much inspired by this comic.

The cover image is taken from this comic by SirPayne (used with his approval).

I really love the idea (broached it in my own story, actually :twilightblush:), and for the most part I think it's how it would be handled in the show. The phrasings, in general, seem a little OOC, but with the language barrier that's understandable. I'll give it another read sometime and give you a full list of any errors that really need fixing in PM.

Story-wise, the only thing that I'd really change, however, is when Fluttershy is comparing pegasus flight to unicorn magic and Earth pony strength. Maybe it's just my headcanon, but it's a far bigger deal for pegasi than it is for unicorns and Earth ponies. Being able to fly gives you a whole new dimension to work in, a pegasus who lacks their flight would basically feel like a normal pony with blinders (or whatever you call those things that stop a horse from seeing its sides). Or a beached whale, if they have instinctive memories of what flight feels like.

See, unicorns who haven't mastered magic yet can still do something the way they are and not worry about it; their horns won't just switch on and fizzle in public. An Earth pony who's not exceptionally strong can still practise other talents. But a flightless pegasus has a constant reminder of what they should be able to do and constant reminders of failure if they can't fly. They know their wings are flapping, and they will move their wings instinctively, but they'll know it's useless. Also, unicorns who don't use their innate magic can still get around with whatever talent they have (Rarity on Winter Wrap-Up, for instance), ditto for Earth ponies (you don't need to be strong to care for the land or animals). But pegasi magic is walking on clouds, pushing clouds, creating winds...these are useful skills, but you can't use them if you can't actually reach the clouds. So that aspect of it...it's well done, but I'd have done it slightly differently. Maybe something to consider (noob writer, still :scootangel:).

a3V

I dig it. :moustache:

Oh Scootaloo!!!! :raritydespair: This was beautiful! Favourited :twilightsmile:

Amazing fic and in a language that's not your own! Well done! Well done indeed. Beautifully written and astounding plot. I hope to see more from you :)

This is one of the stories we don't see to often here. Touching, yet not overwhelmingly sad, no gore, no death, and the sadness ends with hope. The characters were, as far as I can tell, in character. Simply divine.

NTL

796124
Thank you for your comment. I think you're mostly right concerning pegasi, unicorns ans earth ponies. But the way I see, this was Fluttershy comforting Scootaloo and raising her spirit again. So even knowing herself how hard it is for a pegasus not being able to fly, she points Scootaloo to her friends, telling her they're in the same place as she is, so doesn't feel that isolated and upset anymore. Scootaloo is still a child, they don't always need to know the full, hard truth.

796139
Hey, my first Mustache!Spike already :twilightsheepish: Thank you

796157
Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed. And yes, I plan to write more stories :twilightsmile:

796199
Thank you. The was reaction I was aiming for :pinkiehappy:

That turned out well. Nicely done. It's good to see Scoots doing something other than serving as the cheering section for RD.

English isn't your first language? I would never have known. I like the idea of Fluttershy giving Scootaloo encouragement. Sometimes people who are the best at something make very poor coaches.

great story! :pinkiehappy::heart:
You could actually keep this story going! It would be nice to see scoots training with RD and by herself.
overcome the hardships she endures and so on and so on!:pinkiehappy:

NTL

923300
Thanks! Glad you liked it :twilightsmile:
I plan on writing another story featuring the crusaders. That one might reference this story, but I don't think I'll continue this or write a direct sequel for it.

931151
awesome! keep up the good work!

NTL

Little update:
Added some corrections concerning spelling and grammar. Big thanks to 796124, who pointed them out to me :twilightsmile:

An adorable story. I really like how Fluttershy is able to comfort Scootaloo and provide her with some guidance. It's also a nice touch to mention how Sweetie Belle still can't use magic. That doesn't seem to mentioned much. But my favorite part is that Scootaloo makes real progress with Fluttershy's help instead of Rainbow's. It's great that she looks up to Rainbow, awesome flier for a reason, but now she knows there's somepony else who she can turn to.

I'd definitely be interested in reading another story about the CMC from you. :yay:

NTL

958723
Thank you. I'm glad you liked the story :twilightsmile:
I'm working on the next CMC story right now, but I'm a slow writer. So, there won't be any promises for when it's done. :twilightblush:

959278
I know what you mean. I'm a slow writer too. I look forward to the story when it's finished. No rush of course. :pinkiehappy:

JAG

English isn't your first language? Jeez, I'd certainly never be able to tell from your writing. You put plenty of native English-writers to shame.

As for the story itself, I really liked it. It's a nice concept, and one I'm surprised I haven't seen before. Fluttershy was once in the same position as Scootaloo, and she's really an obvious go-to for advice. I also like the idea of Scoot's parents being earth ponies. It adds an extra dimension to her flying troubles, given that she has nopony to get help from on a daily basis.

NTL

1098703
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it :twilightsmile:
I was also surprised that this kind story didn't really exist before. It was the first thing that came to my mind when I decided I want to write something about Scootaloo.

You have inspired me, so much so that I decided to write my first fic, you can check it out here Learning to Fall

:moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache::moustache:
here, just for you

this is the kind of story that FIMfiction needs more often. AWESOME concept and story!:scootangel::yay:

NTL

1685560

Thank you :twilightsmile:

Review, as requested:

Hmm. The story is very pony, and I mean that in a good way. People who don't like this story probably don't like MLP. Two things might be problems. The first is that it's a little long for what it does. Mostly this is a result of saying things that don't need to be said. For instance,

Scootaloo threw her hooves up in exasperation. "Learning to fly, of course", she said, sounding like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "From the best herself!"
...
"And what would you know about that?" asked Scootaloo, apparently angered by Fluttershy criticizing her idol.

could probably be

Scootaloo threw her hooves up in exasperation. "Learning to fly, of course. From the best herself!"
...
"Yeah? And what would you know about that?"

The opening with the bird is a little long. The conversation with the birds is darling, but maybe "A smile still upon her face," ... thru the next several paragraphs could be distilled into one or two paragraphs.

The other question is whether you couldn't weave something else into the story. What is a story? I don't know, but this is definitely a story (bookplayer's "How to do a sonic rainboom"):

Rainbow Dash taught Scootaloo every trick she knew--except how to do a sonic rainboom. "You just don't have what it takes, kid," she said sadly. Even at Dash's funeral, Scootaloo still had a tiny ember of anger inside her at Dash for taking that secret to the grave. But she realized, too, that was what made Dash better than her--not the flying, Scootaloo was the champion flyer, but she had always flown for herself. Dash had done the rainboom only for others, never for herself. She snuck away from the funeral and flew high and far off, where nopony could see her, and then straight down. The ponies at Dash's funeral saw the rainboom from a distance, and wondered who might have done it.

The outer conflict is that Scootaloo wants to do a sonic rainboom. The inner conflict is that her motivations are wrong. Solving the inner conflict allows her to solve the outer conflict.

This story is more like, "Scootaloo felt really bad because she couldn't fly. Fluttershy reminded her that everybody has problems, and told her that those who do can't necessarily teach, and with her encouragement, Scootaloo was able to fly a little." It's more like life than like a story--stuff that happened, but which doesn't have a clear meaning. The part about Rainbow being a bad teacher seems significant, and it leads to Fluttershy telling her to glide, which is really the thing responsible for her success--but it's hard to see how getting random advice from Fluttershy works as the catalyst for Scootaloo's grand transformation. You might also say the message is, "You'll succeed once you realize it's okay not to succeed," which is confusing and circular and basically advising people to lie to themselves.

What is Scootaloo doing wrong at the beginning of the story? A classic story structure would have Scootaloo learning something, and I don't mean to glide between flaps. Maybe something about not seeing only her idol and ignoring everyone else. Fluttershy spelled that out for her, but Scootaloo didn't seem especially struck by it, and went right back to dreaming about RBD. Maybe set it up so that Scootaloo's frustration is coming between her and her friends, and in the end she doesn't fly yet, but patches things up with them because she realizes that's something she can do and that's important.

NTL

2176151
Thank you :twilightsmile: I have to admit I'd forgotten about that christmas present :twilightsheepish:

Your pointers are very much appreciated. I do of course know about "Show versus Tell", but I never seem to spot the places were I need to apply it...
And I totally agree that the story is missing a true message. It's the scene of Fluttershy consoling Scootaloo that was stuck in my head and that I wanted to get out there, the rest me trying to fit that scene in a story.

But you calling the story "very pony" made me happy. At least one of the things I was going for worked, sort of.

That was a pretty solid, feel-good story. Nicely done.

NTL

2333786
Thank you :twilightsmile:

Almost the same moment as Scootaloo started to speak, Fluttershy spread her wings apart and gave them a short flap.

I misread this as Fluttershy giving Scoots a slap and was appropriately shocked. :facehoof:

"I've been stupid. Thank you, Fluttershy."

Pointing out when you're being stupid is what moms (and maternal figures) are for.And this whole story is why Flutters should've been Scootaloo's mom.

Scootaloo's sorrow was quite heartwrenching. The comforting was very sweet.

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