• Member Since 12th Sep, 2013
  • offline last seen Yesterday

neorenamon


Comments ( 25 )

ok, well that happened :rainbowwild:

Why do I feel that Pinkie wants Mac to taste 2 more pies?

There is no deep plot so don't look for one.

The only deep plot here is Marble's.

"Oh, it's good an all..." he mused evenly, "but it just ain't as good as Granny Smith's."

:pinkiegasp:

"Oh yeah sugar-cube," he moaned, "I'm'ah comin around the mountain!"

WEEEEEELLLLLLLP

Thank Celestia he didn't bite.

There is no deep plot so don't look for one.

Challenge accepted.

Dem cousins.

Pinkie's reaction :pinkiehappy::pinkiesad2::pinkiegasp:

Rainbow Dash's reaction: :rainbowhuh:

Fluttershy's reaction :fluttershbad:

Applejack's reaction: :applejackconfused::applejackunsure:

Apple Bloom's reaction: :applecry:


My reaction: :derpyderp1::derpyderp2::derpytongue2::heart::pinkiegasp::rainbowwild::twilightsmile:
And then I was all like :twilightsmile:
And now I'm like... :moustache:

Lots of tense issues, bad prose, Pinkie is bizarrely OOC.

7292576 Just between you and me, it's more of a haiku than a poem. It's written by Maud Pie after all and I have no idea what rules she uses for poetry, so I just used rock a lot. :pinkiehappy:

7292919 That's hardly an excuse.

7292576
Don't just write one line saying it's bad. That's not interesting or helpful. It's just mean.

7293802 I'd agree with you if what I had written was "this is shit and you should feel bad," but I gave specific and definite reasons why I didn't like it. They aren't even all that hard to fix.

7294672
"Bad prose" is specific, definite, and easy to fix, in your book?

Listen, you can hate it all you want, you can give unsolicited writing advice all you want, just at least put a little effort into it. Otherwise you're just doing drive-by mockery and it's nasty.

Hell, you didn't even use full sentences. Just imagine a comment like yours in real life.

"Too hard on the accelerator, don't check your blind spot for long enough, aggressive lane changes, maybe signal more," says some fat kid passing your car at a red light, lips smacking on some treat he got at the nearby convenience store.

His companion gives him a shove and says, "That's mean."

To which he replies, "What? I didn't tell him his driving is bad and he should feel bad. I told him how to fix his bizarre driving."

:facehoof: I'm putting way more effort into arguing this than I should. You're not going to understand. You're just going to feel personally slighted, and respond with some nitpick about how it doesn't count when you do it, or because this was somehow a special circumstance. And I won't need to reply. Everyone else reading this will have the sense to know the difference between an obnoxious post and something helpful or interesting, so I've achieved what I wanted.

7294747
7292576

7294747 Fine. I'll get specific. I noted because I believed these things to be obvious when I read, and a simple proofread would have gotten most of the problems.

Once upon a time, there was a pink party-planning pony and she was bringing a big red stallion to the bakery she worked at after hours for a very special blind taste test of a pie he had never had before.

(1) This is a run-on sentence.
(2) Lavender unicorn syndrome is present, but I am not sure there is a good way to avoid it here without ruining the effect of the opening.
"Once upon a time, there a was a pink party-planning pony. She was bringing a big red stallion to the bakery she worked at, after hours, for a very special blind taste test of a pie had had never had before."

"Good," she said. "We're almost ready to begin."

This... doesn't sound right coming out of Pinkie's mouth.

Big Mac wondered if they were alone since he could hear another breathing softly in the room with them, but he didn't want to say anything about it if he didn't have to. Pinkie grabbed him by the jowls and slowly pulled him forward until he could smell some kind of apple pie filling. Possibly even Zap Apple pie. Taking an experimental lick, he realized it was in fact Zap Apple Pie Filling (TM applied for). But there was a second somewhat tart and salty taste just under it. It also had a really strange texture against his tongue. He gave another long lick to be sure, but then he could have sworn something moved. Then he reared his head to lick his lips.

(1) Logical flow - There are two ideas here: Big Mac wondering if he is alone in the room, and him eating pussy. Ideally this is two distinct parargaphs. Don't be afraid to flesh out the details a little more.
(2) Grammar - "hear another" what?
(3) Crazy clop plotlines aside, if someone took me to a blind pie-tasting I probably would have bitten down on whatever the pie I was eating was supposed to be.

"What all is goin on here, Pinkie?" he asked as he licked his lips again. The tangy taste under the pie filling was beginning to fascinate the large red Earth pony.

Lavender unicorn syndrome.

He stepped up once more and began hotly licking her pussy from top to bottom. She squirmed with each lick and lap he took of her.

He's not even taken aback by how sudden this is? If he is (which would be in character), you need to flesh that out.

"Huh?!" he asked as he paused licking.

(1) Wow, he sure doesn't seem quite as eager now, which is entirely inconsistent with the above.
(2) Pacing. He has to pull his head up and step back for the reader to get the clue off the bat, otherwise the reader has the wrong mental picture until this

"Oh," said Pinkie, "She wants you to keep licking her til she cums and then mount her." … He leaned in …

Soon, his lips sealed her vagina opening leaving most of her pussy covered.

Colloquially, pussy refers to the entire area that the labia encircle, not just the vaginal opening. Also that leads me to

birth canal

vagina

At risk of sounding like a cheap erotica whore, vagina is probably the most un-sexy word in the English language. Get more creative. Make it sound dumber; don't ever write "vagina" unless you're trying to deliberately be unsexy :twilightsheepish:.

While she hardly made a sound, both Pinkie and Big Mac could tell when she orgasmed by the juices that leaked out from his mouth. She apparently came rather messily inside his mouth. Pinkie could tell by the way he was swallowing her juices.

Don't use "rather" or "apparently" damnit. You're the author, you know these things! If you want the reader to infer this, flesh out clues in the scene.

Pinkie looked under his stifle and noticed that his cock was almost fully erect already. She just leaned closer and licked his big ole shaft from the base to the tip a few times to make sure it was nice and slick. He moaned into Marble's pussy as Pinkie licked him firmly.

(1) Technically it's above his stifle. Did you mean barrel?
(2) "She just leaned closer" Do or do not, there is no "just."
(3) I giggled at "big ole shaft" but I think you should use "giant shaft" or something to the effect.

Then Pinkie pushed him back making his mouth release from her pussy with an audible popping sound. By now, all the pie filling was licked off her quivering femslit to be replaced with her own flowing juices.

(1) It wouldn't make a popping sound because there's no air that was displaced by his sucking on it.
(2) The fact that the pie was inside her cunt wasn't mentioned earlier in the story, or if it wasn't supposed to be inside, it's not clear because it says that her juices "replaced" it. (Putting pie inside a vagina is also a surefire way to get a yeast infection, but that's besides the point.)

"Now Marble," she said, "I just want to be absolutely sure that you still want Big Macintosh to mount you. If you have the slightest doubt, we'll stop it right here and now." … "And do you mind... would you like to... mount my sister?" asked Pinkie hopefully.

It's not Pinkie's responsibility to ensure this, and it's honestly a turn-off to write it this way. Look, they're fictional characters and you know exactly why you're reading this story — for that hot pony fucking action.

She helped him rear up so he could place his hooves on either side of Marble's hips. That way, he could steady himself as he drove his stallion-meat into her sister's pussy. He slowly slipped his cock into Marble as if she were fragile and his cock might split her up the middle with even the slightest mistake on his part. She grimaced as his dick slipped into her vagina inch by inch.

(1) Logical flow. This is the juicy bit. Add more details, split up the paragraphs into logical units.
(2) Why would he need help rearing up?
(3) She's still hogtied on her back. Him putting the weight of the front half of his body on her hips is going to be both unnecessary and excessively painful for her.
(4) "vagina"

"I think you've been officially deflowered," whispered Pinkie very quietly to Marble.

Again, this just sounds wrong coming out of Pinkie's mouth :|

Minutes passed, and then he paused to back up until he was almost out of her again.

Paaaacing. That transition hurt. If it was supposed to be a figure of speech, use hyperbole such as "hours passed."

Pinkie moved up to her sister's head and stroked her cheek as she asked, "Want him to continue? If it hurts in the least, I promise we'll stop this whole thing right now."

Marble shook her head no, so now Big Mac began slipping his cock into her again slightly faster

(1) You miswrote that question. She said no and he's fucking her anyways. RAPE.
(2) Pacing. Marble shaking her head is its own paragraph. Big Mac shoving it back in there starts the next.
(3) Yoda. Big Mac didn't have to "begin to" do it, he did it.

She closed her eyes tight as he entered her again, but Pinkie figured she wanted him to keep going. Once he was almost all the way in, he started humping her slowly and gently. Each stroke was just a tiny bit longer and a tiny bit faster than the one before.

Pinkie shouldn't have figured, or assumed, or guessed, just known. Or not cared. If you rewrite Pinkie's prior question to something analagous to "Do you want to keep fucking," then Marble can say "mm-hmm" and that thought can be entirely avoided.

"I don't know why, but I feel so proud of my little sister right now," sniffed Pinkie.

Slightly too isolated and random of a thing. Can she at least wipe away her tears after that?

Marble began rolling her head from side to side as her excitement grew like crazy. Big Mac's panting meant that he was coming closer to the moment he blew his wad as well. Once his cock was fully erect, the head of his cock would spread out making it impossible to pull out until he was done pumping his seed into the gray mare.

Don't give me a fucking biology lesson, this is porn. Also, Yoda.

Pinkie figured that was some kind of code for "I'm blowing my wad, sugar-cube!" She could tell by the way his stomach quivered that he was in fact blowing his was right up into Marble's womb. When he was done, he simply collapsed on top of Marble as he panted. It would still be another minute or two before he could pull out.

(1) All these occurrences of "Pinkie figured" seem to indicate to me that you are writing from the wrong perspective. If you want third-person limited, that's fine, but you need to write more objectively and not force the reader to blindly accept what you (the narrarator) thinks. If you want to add personal perspective, it is easiest to do this in first-person.
(2) I'm assuming he's blowing his wad, not his "was."
(3) Break this up into two paragraphs. The anticipation of him cumming and the actual cumshot should be one paragraph. What happens afterward should be another.
(4) Again with the "minute" thing. Just because you have control of time doesn't mean it's easy to accept without a bit of filler.

"Did you have fun there sis?!" asked Pinkie.

The interrobang is generally reserved for disbelief.

She turned around to asked, "And did you two have fun watching us, Limestone? Maud?" Big Mac turned his head …

He's surprised, right? He should be. After all, nobody told him he was being watched.

Big Mac and Marble were too busy looking into each other's eyes to comment. Then he gave her a full kiss on her lips.

Sudden, awkward jump from past perfect to past.


[/hr]

As a manner of aesthetics, leave an empty space between paragraphs. It is easier to read.

As to the reason for licking instead of biting: Perhaps it's just me, but if someone blindfolded you for a taste test, you don't just blindly bite into it. I've had people try to slip me hot Habanero peppers and tablespoons full of cinnamon powder like that. They've also tried to slip me spiked drinks and a few other things. Big Mac seems to me to be common sense cautious like that.

7296491
Still had to be scary for Marble.

Oh Maud, you're so shameless.
Like a... a... like something inert and emotionless, and generally difficult to move. The word escapes me for now.

7287995 Bruh, yo pic is raw as hell!

lol, that poem

Its a good idea, and the poem was great, but i had to down vote it because the words seemed choppy and out of place.

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