An Audition for the Eventual End of the World

by PhycoKrusk

Phase Only, again. Really need to find a better naming convention for these ones

It was a big day in the Crystal Empire. It was a day of challenge and, hopefully, of triumph. It was the day of the audition.

Hundreds of ponies from all around Equestria had lined up all down the crystal boulevards for their chance in the limelight.

‘Had’ being the key word, because as soon as they’d learned exactly what it was they’d be auditioning for, the lines shortened in a big hurry. The common pony might have been an idiot, but was certainly not a suicidal idiot. Probably, at any rate, but that’s not important. What is important is that once the lines had been whittled away and only the idiotically suicidal, the suicidally idiotic, and ‘other’ remained, they had all worked their way one at a time to the throne room in the Crystal Castle for their chance to audition.

Most of those were actually pretty boring and not worth writing about, sure, but there was one that was. One audition for the history books. An audition that would reshape the path the world would take forever more.

“And that’s why I deserve be a part of your family,” Lightning Dust concluded proudly.

See? I told it would reshape the path the world would take, and you didn’t listen to me, but that’s ok. It’s kind of a big thing that would require a lot of convincing.

Speaking of convinced, Lightning Dust’s audition was something that the five individuals sitting behind the table across from her were not convinced by in the least.

“So, you’re saying that what you can bring to this family is that you can fly?” Spike asked quizzically.

“Not just fly. If it hadn’t been for certain bad luck, you’d be looking at the Wonderbolts lead pon —”

“Oh, forget you!”

So surprised by Princess Cadence’s outburst was Dust that she forget to finish what she was saying. Cadence, meanwhile, remembered exactly what she was going to say. “Every one of us can at least fly!”

“Cadence and I already have wings we can fly with!” Twilight Sparkle said in agreement.

“I can fly, and I can turn into shadows!” Sombra Crepúsculo chimed in.

“I’ve got a whole garage full of things that can fly!” Shining Armor declared. (editor's note: This plot point will be explored at a later date)

“Even Spike can fly sometimes!” Twilight added.

“I can?” Spike asked disbelievingly.

“And let’s not forget the time that you almost killed me and my friends, five national heroes in case you forgot, and made life pretty miserable for Rainbow Dash, another national hero, so those are pretty big marks against you,” Twilight added again.

“Oh, what, you think that just because you stopped eternal night, unending chaos, reimprisoned that Tirek guy, and tried to destroy the world, it means you’re too good for me?!” Dust shouted.

“Wait, you know about all that?” Twilight asked, eyes wide with genuine shock.

“Well, yeah, it was all over the papers for weeks. The common pony would have to be an idiot not to know that. Like, a criminally stupid one, too,” Dust replied flippantly.

Twilight stared at her for a moment, and then turned to Cadence. “I say we take her. She’s the only intelligent candidate we’ve had so far.”

“You say that despite the fact that the last time the two of you crossed paths, she almost killed you,” Sombra remarked, propping his head up on one hoof.

“Well, perhaps she did, but that was last time,” Twilight replied with a smug grin.

Sombra was silent for a moment. “Touché, Sparkle,” he said before sitting up straight. “She’s got a point, sure, but it's not that simple. What is it that you do, Lightning Dust?”

“Do?” Dust asked, tilting her head to one side.

“Yes, do. Like, for a job. Your application just said ‘between.’ Just ‘between,’ not even what you were between! So you can understand that’s something of a concern, thus the question. So, what is it you do, Lightning Dust? How will you pull your weight in this family?” Sombra said to clarify.

“Well, I figured I’d hang out around Twilight, pursue my own projects without regard for whether or not they’ll be helpful for anypony else, and otherwise be a nuisance and a layabout,” Dust replied, smirking. “So, basically the same thing that you do, but in Ponyville.”

Sombra glared at Dust.

Dust smirked back at Sombra.

“Sassy little witch, aren’t you?”

“Well, I try not to fly in the face of public opinion. Over it, around it, under it and right past it, sure, but never in it.”

“Ha! I like the cut of her jib!” Sombra said. He turned to glare at Twilight. “She’ll keep you on the tips of your hooves too, and we all know you need help with that.”

“I-what?” Twilight asked, genuinely confused.

“As much as you can possibly get. I vote ‘yes.’”

“Yes!” Dust whooped, jumping up and looping through the air, or at least trying to since Shining grabbed her magically in a heartbeat.

“Not so fast!” he said, forcing her back down to the floor. “I’m not convinced you’ve earned your place in this family.”

“Well, why not? I mean, you let him in, and he doesn’t do anything except stand around using up animation frames and admire Twilight from afar!” Dust said, jabbing a hoof towards the guard by the door. “Very afar!”

“Admire from —” Flash Sentry started before interrupting himself — “Why does everypony keep assuming that?! I have a girlfriend!”

“Hm, she raises another good point,” said Shining as he regarded Flash critically before turning his focus to Cadence. “What do you think, Cadybug?”

“Well, I don’t know,” Cadence said thoughtfully. “I do kind of like the idea of an admirer from afar, so that keeps Flash in the competition —”

“I’m not a part of this! What is wrong with you ponies?!”

“— But I guess that’s not really a point against Dusty, either.”

“Was-was that a pet name? Cadence, did you ship us?!” Twilight demand.

“No!” Cadence said frantically. For all of two seconds. “Maybe a little bit?” she added with a sheepish smile.

“You’re incorrigible,” Twilight replied, mashing her face against her hoof.

“Well, I’m not really looking for a relationship or anything right now, but that could always change, right?” Dust suggested. “And when it does, I’m probably going to need somepony who knows all about the heart and junk to coach me through it, right? Someone who isn’t my mom, since she definitely has no idea what she’s doing and keeps trying to pair me up with ponies who’re all about stunt flying and going irresponsibly fast. I don’t know what I want in a boy or girlfriend, but it’s definitely not that.”

“No… daredevils….” Cadence said as she wrote that tidbit down in her Shipping Manifest (because really, what else would it be called?). “Well, that rules out Rainbow Dash but opens up so many more possibilities! Oh, a thousand times ‘yes!’ I’m so excited!”

“Well, don’t get excited yet, it has to be unanimous,” Sombra said.

All of them looked expectedly at Spike, who was suddenly nervous now that the spotlight was on him. “Well, I, um, I mean, I was kind of hoping for a cousin, but —”

“A cousin?! But Spike, what if it turns out Twilight’s the one for her?! That’s icky!” Cadence said.

“What about a third cousin?” Dust suggested.

“A third cousin?” Cadence paused to consider this. “I guess that’d be ok, just in case. Spike?”

Spike likewise considered this, scratching his chin thoughtfully. “A third cousin… yeah, yeah! That’ll work!”

“Alright then, the vote is in, and the result is ‘yes!’” Sombra declared, standing up from where he was seated. “Welcome to the family, Lightning Dust.”

“Yahoo!” Lightning Dust whooped again, leaping into the air and pumping her hoof. She paused, realizing something important. “Wait a minute. Now that I’m in the family, what do I do? Like, what do I do right now? Is there some sort of hazing that needs to happen first?”

“Well, it’s your first day in the family, so that means it’s your day,” Cadence replied, standing up and walking around the table to stand next to her new… family member (geez, this got complicated in a hurry). “What do you want to do?”

“Well,” Dust began, looking down at the floor in contemplation for a moment. “I could go for some ice cream.”

With a ‘whump!’, Spike suddenly landed on Dust’s back. He’s quite athletic when he wants to be, you see. “Now you’re speaking my language!” he said. “Let’s go, cuz! We’ve got a gallon of Gold Medal Ribbon, and it’s calling your name!”

With a round of hearty laughs, the newly-united family set out for the royal kitchen, leaving the throne room devoid of occupants. Save for Flash Sentry, of course.

“And those are my employers,” he remarks to no one in particular. After a few moments more, he heaves a sigh. “Look, they offer dental, tuition, and match fifteen percent on my four-oh-one-kay,” he says to you. “I’d like to see you monkeys find a better deal!”

Author's Note:

Look, it came to me, and someone had to write it.

I mean, maybe not had to, but you know what I mean.

Any guesses on just who Flash Sentry is dating? You'll never guess! (you will probably totally guess)

Comments

[Seether00]

Only 15% match?

[PhycoKrusk]

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Hey, a 100% match on the first 15% of salary is a lot.

[D48]

Given who you work for, I think the AD&D is more relevant than the 401K, Flash.

[Ebonysdagger]

Trixie. He is dating Trixie.... only not normal Trixie but rather Element of Humility Trixie from the mirror universe.

[nightwalker]

I look forward to more Crepúsculo stories with slacker Lightning Dust in them.

[stupidhand14]

*Reads through the story*
*Looks through comment section*
*Looks at description for a prequel story*
*Looks through author's stories*
*Comes back to the comment section to chronicle his steps*

Yup. I am here, assured to say... What the hell just happened? I understand the gist of it, Lightning becoming part of a family consisting of Sombra, Twilight, Cadence, Shining Armor, and Spike but... what, who, when, why, how?! When did they become a family, where did Sombra come from, why did this occur... why did everypony flee from the audition? I don't get it DX

[PhycoKrusk]

7282240
She's not a slacker. Her day-to-day routine is just very highly optimized.

7282881
The answer is the same I usually give for questions like this: It's best not to question it too much.

[TheZouave]

7282881

I refer you to this story: Anypony for Doomsday?

WARNING: If your brain is pone to breaking, please exercise caustion and keep track of the bronkenness of thy brain.
(All *highly exxageratied funger quotes* "typos" are intentional)

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As for you sir, I very muchly enjoy your brand of sensical nonsense. More plz.

...

*prone, caution, brokenness, exaggerated, finger*
There, you happy?