- Member Since 21st Jul, 2013
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
StormLuna
Princess Luna is the best princess and Nightmare Moon is the best queen.
StormLuna
Joined 21st Jul, 2013 ·
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I'm sorry to downvote, but something was just off in how fast twilight went from hating the experience to loving it. Maybe try slowing down the relationship development a bit. That might help. I hope to see better in the future.
7293634 I'm not sure if I should simply alter this one or do a completely different story where it isn't a matter of Velvet wanting to engage in any kind of tradition, just a Velvet that is needy yet aggressive when it comes to getting what she wants out of Twilight, one where Twilight will continue to struggle. With it not involving any kind of tradition, perhaps it would involve Velvet bringing instruments of punishment (whips, rope, etc.)
7294599
It's not really the problem here. The story feels really rushed, the 'tradition' looks more like an excuse for Vellvet to rape Twilight.
That's the first thing, the second is that the story is not developed at all, all that is happening is happening way too fast. Like cliff said, Twilight goes from 'I don't like it' to 'it's so wonderful' in only one sentence, not coherent at all.
Have you seen the comic between Velvet and Twilight by Kirapac ? (I can't put a link here)
I was expecting something like that.
At least, if you really want Twilight to feel good about it at some point, show the change, and make it believable. Same thing with her dislike. We only know she doesn't like it because you say so, but she doesn't really act like she doesn't, she's more like 'I don't care but it somehow makes me uncomfortable .' And the I don't care shouldn't be here.
Twilight should be more suspicious of her mother behavior, she should show more discomfort and dislike for what she is proposing/asking/imposing, whatever it is.
You want to make Velvet sound like a dome, but here, she's just like some kind of pervert.
The parts with Twilight relationship with other partners or Velvet problems with her husband, they feel out of place, they add nothing to the story and literally come out of the blue. If you want to use them, introduce them better, and give them a better reason to be in the fic.
Haha XD augaug this is fun
this has INCREDIBLE potential. theres nothing in the world better than mother-daughter love with magical impregnation. i really wish i could love this story....but its just got so many problems. some of the problems include:
-writing style is just frequently very awkward
-everything is extremely rushed. velvet rushes twilight into accepting this concenpt. twilight rushes into going along with the idea of bearing her mother's child. twilights enjoyment of the sex happens so fast its like someone flipped a switch...it woudl be better if she didnt hate the sex from the start and started to enjoy it gradually.
-velvet doesn't feel like a dominant mare. she just comes off as needlessly mean, a mare who's being abusive to somepony else because of her own insecurities. a true dom has power that she doesnt need to abuse to feel in control.
-on a similar note, its really pretty unforgivable that shes so rough with twilight that twilight doesn't enjoy a lot of this, and thats made much worse by the fact that she wont listen to twilight when twilight asks her not to be so rough. this is pretty darn close to rape, and i dont think thats what u were going for. and if it WAS what u were going for, then stop using 50 shades of grey as a model, healthy dom-sub sex is NOT like that.
-this is personal preference, but including actual semen kind of puts me off...i'd much rather it be a release of magical energy or something. i mean if ur gonna go with the magical impregnation route instead of the boring, tired old futanari route, then y not go all in on it right?
i really, REALLY wanted to love this story, because it hits on my most beloved fetish. it just....really,r eally, really needs some work. i REALLY hope u do work on this and see about developing it, adjusting the relationship to feel more real and caring, and so on, because i REALLY want to see a version of this story that i can enjoy without regrets. pls let me know if u revise this, okay?
7309523 I can see where you are coming from and I will likely do a rewrite or at least do a major fixing on this one. Right now my mind has switched into dark mode and I am writing a gore fic, a brutal gore fic involving a pony dead set on making Equestria a better place (well in her eyes)
I have received similar comments as yours and I suppose I was in a rush when I wrote this. What would you think would be better? Simply alter this one or do a complete re-write and start out with a blank slate when it comes to the up-vote, downvote ratio?
7309708 well i want to say to rewrite this, because it really plays to my fetishes, but i dont think thats the right way to go. rewriting is helpful to authors who have let a lot of time go by and have learned writing techniques from experience, if u rewrite this now then u only have our critiques to work with, which is good, but without more experience, the improvement isn't going to be enough, i dont think. I think it woudl be better to start a new story, maybe try to recreate the sexy ideas of this but from a fresh angle, one which allows you to work with our suggestions. thats your call tho!
i woudl suggest that if u do do a fresh start, find a good editor to work with. and by that i mean NOT just someone who will read it and correct technical details, but someone you can throw a few ideas at and get feedback, someone who also is a writer and can look at your style with a style of their own and point out parts that they think coudl be written better. as writers, we learn the most from 2 things: reading a wide variety of well-written literature by many authors, and dialogue with other writers. so find someone who shares an interest in what ur writing and see if they'll give u a little help with it.
anyway i hope this helps somewhat, because as i said i love nothing more than mother-daughter love combined with magical impregnation, so i hope to see you give it another shot
7310438 Rewriting it entirely was what I was planning on because the more I read it, the more I see my own errors. I see how I should have had Velvet not be so downright mean and also how I seemed to have Twilight go from opposing it to approving of it too quickly and I do know that I can make the sexy times last longer and probably be more erotic.
Regarding the editor thing, I'm not exactly wealthy so I may have to go off of the writing styles of the best authors on the site. I do have a gore fic I am in the middle of right now and I probably won't be doing a rewrite on this until I finish that. When my mind gets going on a gorefic, I tend to focus on it and it alone.
7310652 just so u know when i said an editor i didnt mean someone u'd have to pay, i think most ppl on the site will help you out for free if you ask, just gotta find someone who's into what you're making, maybe try asking around one of the groups that the story would fit into
7311088 That does sound like a plan. I could always check in the "Incest is Wincest" group since that is the place this kind of story would be most popular in.
Word of advice, proof reader.
Believe me two minds are better then one.
I really love the idea but it's extremely rushed. The beginning is actually quite well done but you cut the clop short halfway through it seems. Also there aren't enough descriptions of what Twilight is feeling. The later part are so rushed that they are quite confusing.
7310652 Can't really add too much here aside from what has already been said. I liked it enough.
Not bad. A lot of potential. A little rushed. The abuse was a little dark for my taste.
8504281
I'll be honest, I look back and the abuse was a bit dark but it was the type of mood i was in on the day I wrote it. Just like Starlight's magic is tied to her emotions, my writing often times is tied to my emotions.
Great job my friend
8542118
Thanks. I take it you find this ending preferable to the original?
8542131
indeed I do. It was a nice twist
I think even Applejack would not be stupid enough to say that Sparkle should not have done this. Hidebound to tradition she might be.