I write and edit fanfics and play video games. I am a student in Melbourne, Australia. I have been editing stories for my mates for a long time, even giving them tips with what they can improve upon.
With the fall of Celestia and the return of Nightmare Moon, Equestria was in anarchy. The only safe-haven was Ponyville, where Cadence and Twilight were building the resistance.
Fluttershy is under a mind control spell cast by nightmare moon. Cadence and Twilight both knew that they had to find a spell to break it or one to bring back Celestia.
They had one week before the total annihilation of Equestria.
By Midnight Nebula
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Both of your stories literally have the same description. That doesn't strike me as a good sign.
7278814 Itthink that was a mistrake as I read the description for the other story before and it was not that description so I think there was some sort of error
You have an interesting idea here but most of it is setting up description that pretty much everypony knows. For example, instead of describing all the characters it would have been better to show more of Fluttershy's actions while she was hypnotized and show more of her friends reacting to it.
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It was my mistake, I accidentally put the wrong description in the other story. I fixed it.
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This was the book that I made for school (So it was made with the mindset of this book is going to be read by non bronies). You can read my first blog to read the background for it.
Thank you for the feedback!
7278958 Just as a warning, I wouldn't say this is 'complete' yet, there's so much story potential you have here, show other brainwashed ponies, show Celestia's feelings about Nightmare Moon, show how much Twilight and her friends miss Fluttershy... Seriously you can do so much with this, don't hold back, there's too much potential! (also, I'm kinda confused, is Fluttershy still under Nightmare Moon's mind control at the end?)
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I hit the word cap in the project. But, I do see where you are going... I will add to it soon.
Also, It was a Cliffhanger ending. (So it worked?)
7278982 I see you edited it to say 'incomplete' now so that works better, and yes it did work if that is what you were going for.
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)
It's a suitable cliffhanger for the next chapter. (Yes, I am making it as we speak.
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It doesn't look fixed to me, but I'm probably just blind.
Edit: Much better.
Wow wasn't sure about the story at first, but upon reading it I suddenly got really interested in it Good Job!
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Thank you!
Hi Midnight. Read through the story twice and was going to write a list out. But I thought it might be better to show instead of just tell. A few general points, and then I've done a edit of your story to show you what I mean. If scenes are different to what you means or imagined don't feel it's a re-write or anything. I just made stuff up as I went to try and give you examples of description and emotion, but based in your story.
Things to improve on \ given examples of below.
1. Sentences are far too short. Be expressive with your words. Short sentences make scenes empty, quick and lacks drama
2. Almost no mention of character feelings, thoughts emotions. Use those to drive your interactions and colour any character speech.
3. Pacing is important, especially with emotions. If a character feels, does or hears something which would spark a strong emotion, put a short paragraph aside to deal with that. Or save it for later
4. Keep characters in-character. Twilight and Cadence being so aloof about killing Fluttershy feels very wrong. Either write around-it, or give them a reason to be different (I added in that Shining Armor had been killed by the same Nightmare infection that is currently invading Fluttershy)
5. Motion of a scene, make sure to both Establish an area for your readers (you regularly wrote new characters or objects without introducing them or a scene first. You may know what's happening but your readers won't be able to see it like you can.). Also always re-reference current actions while dialogue is happening, so it doesn't feel like the world stops around them
6. Descriptive words are your friends. In my example I've talked about the 'Winds of magic filling the room' and then later re-referenced it by using things like 'Whipping candles' or 'pulsing glare'. It helps tie it all together.
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“Fluttershy, listen to me. I-"
“The only order I follow is the new nightmare republic!”
…
[Include scene description, set the scene, give the audience a visual in their minds eye so they know what they’re looking at. You don’t need to include character introductions, they will happen naturally. Also, the hook of your story isn’t the characters specifically, it’s the scene. The event, the story. There are a hundred “”This is Twilight, This is Fluttershy”” stories out there. But this should be a story about the ritual and freeing FS from the dark magic (or failing to do so)]
Magic has a way of subtly seeping into the cracks between memories, the empty spaces between your thoughts. It can be as subtle as shadows and moonlight on a flower petal.
And underground, in the shadows of a small cavern under a crystalline castle, the element of magic was trying to unravel darkness from the soul of her friend.
"I will not be tricked into your lies of the sun! I need the darkness. GIVE ME BACK MY MOONLIGHT!” howled Fluttershy, bound by runes and magic to the floor of the small cavern. Twilight took a step back from her friend, squinting against the flaring light of the candles scattered around the room.
A reassuring wing came to rest on her withers and Twilight turned towards the Pink Alicorn at her side. [Introducing a character through action]
“She’s getting worse Cadence”. Twilight squinted against the flaring light of the candles. “….I…I don’t think I know how to break the Nightmare’s hold on her completely”.
“Then we will have to trust that your friend wants to be free of the shadows as much as we wish it of her”, Cadence soothed as twilight took a deep breath. For a moment they both looked into the baleful turquoise eyes of their prisoner and friend, before looking to each other with renewed determination.
And with a nod, they took formation amongst the burning runes.
[Neither of the three below are necessary. If you’re writing for FimFic your audience already know who the players are. If you’re not writing for FimFic you’re going to have to dedicate a lot more time to introductions. Hedge your bets and spend your time describing the story and the scenes instead.]
Fluttershy is a female, yellow pony with pink, flowing mane. She is a Pegasus pony, so she has the trademark wings of a Pegasus. There is a picture on her left hip, it is a picture of three butterflies, in a triangular fashion. These butterflies are her cutie mark; it symbolises kindness. Every pony receives their cutie marks as a filly or foal. It shows what their best talents are.
Twilight is a female, light purple pony with a violet mane that has a pink strip. Her cutie mark is a large star with five smaller stars around it, and she is the Princess of Magic and an Alicorn. Alicorns are female ponies that have the wings of a Pegasus and the horn of a Unicorn.
Cadence is also an Alicorn. Her cutie mark is a crystal heart, she is the princess of love and compassion, her love spell stops disputes and arguments and replaces the hatred with reasoning.
As Twilight lights her horn, a pairing glow envelops Fluttershy. For a moment she struggles and Twilight grunts against the resistance before focussing her spell and holding Fluttershy immobile. Despite being unable to move her body she throws a look of such utter Malice in Twilights direction that it hitches the breath in her friends throat. Never had Twilight ever imagined one of her closest friends could look at her with such…hatred.
Cadence begins weaving another spell in the air, infusing the room with Love, compassion and companionship. The feel of a picnic blanket on grassy hills with loved ones playing in the sunlight. The feeling of hiding under a warm wing while thunderstorms rage outside. The laugh of a brash friend winning a race. The quiet steady hoof-steps of a stallion walking the road at dawn. Fresh bread. A smile. A kiss.
Fluttershy screams.
[Strength added to an action by placing it on it's own]
Her hateful look turning to one of terror, muscles and eyes twitching and rolling against twilights grasp. Heaving lungfulls of air working to escape from a closed jaw as anemia to the darkness bound to her fills the cavern.
“Are you sure this will work, Cadence?” twilight calls over the whip of magic. Cadence widens her stance and breaths deep lungfulls of air herself. The spell is familiar to her, but much larger than she is used to casting. What would normally be an entire days worth of loving memories for her Crystal empire have been released in a single minute and her legs begin to shake from the strain. [Leave Cadence weakened, it helps increase the tension in the scene]
“This spell HAS to work Twilight! If not, we'll…” Cadence stutters. “We’ll have to kill her...”
Kill her?!
Twilights grip falters for a moment, and Fluttershy’s mouth loosens to let free another shrill cry. This one becoming tinged with rage instead of just fear. Twilight concentrates again and the spell continues.
“Kill her!?” Twilight shouts. “Cadence…she’s one of my best friends! I…I can’t do that! WE can’t do that”
“Would you rather loose her to the darkness forever!? She deserves peace not torment Twilight!”
Twilight struggled with the concept of having to bring mercy to one of her friends. Why? Why would Fluttershy have to die! They excised the Nightmare from Luna AND Rarity. Why was this any different!?
“We kept the Nightmare from our friends before Cadence…We failed once but we can do it again!” Twilight stared at Cadence with a look of steel and hurt. “I won’t loose Fluttershy like we did Shining!” [Gives some interesting emotional context that this may have happened before, and also sets up why Cadence is so very vehement about killing FS if it goes bad, it also sets Twilight up as a dedicated sympathetic character against killing FS. Food for thought.] But…
“But…there is the possibility that nightmare moon can see through her eyes, isn’t there. That she can come back...” Twilight conceded.
“Then gouge her eyes out with your horn if you have to!” Cadence yells at Twilight. Her eyes filled with equal mix of shock, hurt and anger bore into Twilight's own against the rush of magic.
“Mine won't fit it. It's overly broad. You would have to do it Cadence.” [Ponies have huge eyes, why won’t that work?]
[Bring the audience back to Fluttershy for a moment, to make sure the scene feels like it’s still going, despite the two characters arguing]
Fluttershy’s cries began to weaken as the love magic became balanced against the darkness in the cavern. The candles taking on a green tint as the sigils effects began to take hold. Her eyes becoming unfocussed and staring at the ceiling.
“What?! She’d be blind for life Cadence!!” Twilight screamed back.
“Better a life blind than to be lost in Darkness! Twilight please!!” Cadence’s face had changed from steely anger to hurt pleading. The green light from the whipping candles highlighting deep pain in her eyes, a pain that goes right down to the soul.
“It’s for her sake Twilight.” Cadence whispers. “Do you think I would say it if the alternative wasn’t worse?...”
Twilight looked to the ground and grit her teeth. “We have to try everything else first.” She said back.
“Understand?...Everything!”.
[This is the first mention of the guards, bed, or scene at all and needs to be either established much earlier or not at all. For the rest of this example I’m going to assume they were at the edges of the sigil waiting.] “Guards put the blindfold back on, place her on a bed, restrain her and keep an eye on her, when she wakes, tell us immediately,” Cadence notifies the two Royal guards at Fluttershy's sides.
Suddenly the candles went dim, only to come back a moment later in their normal orange glow. The two princesses looked over at the sigil in surprise. Fluttershy was limp in Twilight's magical grasp.
“Oh thank goodness” said Cadence, breathing a sigh of relief and finally lowering her head to her hooves.
“Is…is it over?” asked Twilight.
Cadence looked at Fluttershy sadly. “Perhaps, but perhaps this is merely an early step in purging the darkness from your friend. Her body will have to take a moment to recover, before we can know for sure”
“Guards!", she turned and called out to the edges of the room. "Please bind and blindfold Fluttershy and place her on a bed in the annex [cot? Blanket?]. Inform us immediately if she wakes”
Two guards enter warily from an annex room to the side carrying a blanket and soft bindings. Twilight gently floats her unconscious friend over to the pair before releasing her magic and walking over to Cadence.
[Introduce these two guards in another chapter, probably from their perspective. Introductions for them seem unnessesary at this point] The one on Fluttershy's right is a vast, male, Pegasus with a dark orange body that fades to fire-red on the head and wings. He's rocking a bright red mane and tail and has multiple tattoos that would intimidate Iron Will. He wears a polished set of armour, coloured titanium blue. The other isn't important.
[This guard\cadence scene all feels strange in light of what was just discussed, probably better to remove it for not and save her playfulness for another chapter] “Yes, ma'am.” The two guards kneel on their front hooves, bowing to the princesses.
“I thought I told you two to call me Cadence!” Cadence has a huge grin, implying her playful nature at the moment. It's quite scary when she's like that.
[color=#be4343
]“Oh, sorry ma- Cadence” The guards carry the Yellow pony to her 'Bed' and restrain her with some rope.The two princesses leave the building.
“It feels so strange to not know what I’m doing.” She said as she leaned into Cadence’s shoulder. The act was not without tension, Twilight still felt shock and some anger at Cadence for her pushing for killing, but under the circumstances…
[This explains why Cadence is taking charge of the situation earlier, and also reinforces how shocked Twilight is at Cadences suggestion]
She leaned into the hug, adding warmth where it was missing, “I’m the element of magic and here I am, needing you to guide me and help my friend.”
[Here we bring some understanding from Twilight and make sure they're not playing off each other too much. It also sets up the below comment\joke]
“Thank Celestia she didn't explode...” Cadence thinks said aloud.
"What?!?! She could have DIED?!”. Twilight cried as she stepped out of the embrace.
“The nightmare is not kind and does not give up her thralls easily. Luna was an immortal Alicorn, and though I respect dear Fluttershy’s resilience, she is after all…mortal.”
Twilight hiccups and a few tears finally start to make their way down her face. “Stars above I hate this" she says softly. "So even if we remove the darkness it could kill her anyway?”
“I hope it isn’t so Tiwlight” Cadence replied. “From what we know, Nightmare moon's spell lets her feel, see, smell, taste and think what the ponies under her spell are doing. The counter-spell creates pressure inside the body, creating an excruciating pain. The enchantment can cause internal bleeding, fainting, excrement flow and death..”
Cadence let out a sigh of relief as they began to exit the chamber. “But, the good news is that she only fainted. I think your friend is stronger than we give her credit for” [This re-enforces that Cadence isn’t horribly murder happy, and that she respects Fluttershy despite the circumstances]
Twilight paused. “So, we’re not purging the Nightmare. We’re making her leave by…T-tourturing Fluttershy!?”
[A revelation about the situation, coming after the fact, helps add more weight to the revelation as you the reader have already been through the act along with Twilight, and realise what was happening]
“Yes... We are hoping that is the situation. As grim as it sounds”, Cadence said as she walked out of the ritual chamber.
Fluttershy I’m so sorry...
[Describe the annex room] The annex was small, rough stone walls with the occasional lantern surrounded a few worn chairs, travel beds and a pile of books on a wooden table. The two guards and a small lantern were to one side, checking over Fluttershy as she lay still on a bed, her breath shallow and fleeting.
Cadence looked to Fluttershy, then to Twilight, “Get some rest Twilight, we’re going to need it if the Nightmare is still present when she wakes”.
Cadence wasn’t looking much better, but Twilight dragged herself over to an empty bed and laid down so she could see Fluttershy.
She watched the slow rise and fall of her breathing before, eventually, sleep came for Twilight as well.
[This is a good point to split chapters if you’re writing more than one, or are having FS be unconscious for a while. Otherwise put a horizontal line, a dream or some white space to indicate the passage of time]
. . . .
Voices brought Twilight up from a dreamless sleep.
[Rainbow hasn’t been introduced here, you can do so simply with a slight change as below .]
“Cadence! Twilight! She is waking up!!” Rainbow zooms up to the two princesses, almost crashing into them.
“Cadence! Twilight! She is waking up!!” a rough female voice echoed through the annex. Twilight lifted her head and blearily looked around the dimly lit room.
“…Rainbow?” she called through a dry mouth.
A shape was at her side, “Twilight Twilight get up" Cadence called, pushing her in the shoulder. "Fluttershy is waking but not yet risen. Your friends have arrived but we need to make sure the Nightmare has left her first”.
Twilight was suddenly very awake. Scrambling out of bed and crossing the chamber of tingling hooves. Her friends and the two guards were clustered around the small bed, Rainbow, Rarity, Applejack and Pinkie Pie all wearing eager yet worried expressions.
“Stand back everyone, we don’t know if she’s safe to be around yet”.
The group of friends reluctantly backed into the centre of the room, with Twilight lighting her horn over Fluttershy’s stirring form.
[Also since the shelter was never described before, nor the layout I’ll continue with what I’ve already put in as examples]
“Go, quickly!!” Cadence shouts at Twilight, commanding her to check if she is still under Nightmare moon's spell.
Twilight and Rainbow return to the shelter that Fluttershy is being held in to find Pinkie is waiting for them outside. The three friends rush inside.
“Fluttershy? A-are you okay?” Twilight says with a quiet and caring voice as Fluttershy stirs and groans against her bindings.
Three more ponies show up, Cadence, Rarity and Apple Jack.
Rarity is a female Unicorn pony, the best dress and outfit maker in Equestria. She used to own three boutiques. One in Ponyville, one in Manehattin and one in Canterlot. Her body is a pale grey, and her mane is purple with gradients, her cutie mark is three diamonds.
Apple Jack is a female, Earth pony. She lives on a farm called 'Sweet Apple Acres' with her family. She is a hard-working, honest mare that also works on the farm as a Farmer with her big brother, Big McIntosh. Her body is a Gamboge with a pale, light greyish olive mane. Her cutie mark is three, beautifully red apples.
“Listen here, sugar cube", Applejack called from the cluster of friends.
"You have gotta wake up and come back to us now y’hear”. motion welling up in the Farmpony’s throat.
[Fluttershy’s potential death wasn’t established to these charcters, just Twilight and Cadence, so keeping that up your sleve can make for good inter-character drama later] E
“All-a them critters have been mighty worried about you. And we’re plum worried too. Come on sugar…we...we all just want our friend back”, because if you don't, we're gonna 'ave to try to survive without you. And that ain't gonna work out .” Apple Jack comments to Fluttershy her voice starts to wobble and break as she starts to break down into tears. [Try and avoid tears before a chracter has recovered\died. As breaking down in tears is usually a punctuation on an events, not one while it's still happening]
Rarity put a reassuring hoof on Applejack's before turning towards the bed. “I have to ag-agree darling *sniff* if you don't wake up we just won’t know what to do with ourselves”. we're all going to die eventually.
"Everyone! Look!” A guard notices her movement...
Silence...
It slowly damages everyone's sanity as her movement increases. [Why is her movement damaging to everyone’s sanity? Sanity gets damaged by things like…seeing your loved one murdered etc. Saying something about ‘Stress’ or ‘tension’ would be better]
Finally, Fluttershy moans and tries to open her mouth.
“Oh thank the stars” said Applejack.
After a few false starts she finally croaks out, “R..R-Rarity? Applejack is...is that you?”
“We’re all here Darlin’, Cadence too..”
“Where…am..am I tied down? I can’t see” Fluttershy said weakly.
“Here L-let me help with that” Twilight said as she untied bindings and removed the blindfold. “You’ve been through a lot Fluttershy, I’m just so glad you’re okay aft- “.
The blindfold dropped to the ground.
“T-twilight?” Fluttershy asked as she slowly sat up. “Twilight what’s wrong?”.
Two teal eyes looked back at them, one soft and tired.
The other sharp, slitted, and shaking with rage…
[End on a mystery, tension or some kind of drama interlude. Your ending was ‘She moved’, what I’ve tried to do here is add a taste of the next chapter for the audience to have a hook (Always try to end on a hook each chapter. It keeps your audience wanting more)]
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Thank you for your feedback!
I was limited severely as this was a piece for school. They expected us to go into tons of detail in only 1000 words, because of the story this made it a bit hard for me to put in The details that you introduced in your comment. I might do a rewrite because of the flaws that are in my writing at the moment. But as I am writing the second chapter, the best I can do at the moment is to complete the second chapter as planned with a more details and descriptions as I feel like this is the better way to go. Thank you for reminding me that there is a lot of formatting and editorial issues in the current chapter 1. As I said, after chapter 2 is completed I will go back and make major changes to the story in terms of descriptions and sentence length.
- Midnight Nebula.
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On reading the text again, this story was meant to be read by people who have not seen the show. That is why the disCristina are there.