The Cadance Conundrum

by Super Trampoline

Join Us Next Time as Time Turner Attempts to Fix Cadance's Wifi!

"Ahhh, fuck," the mare muttered in dawning realization.

Cadance's ears flicked. "Whoa, don't hear that word exit your lips too often, Twilight. Well, other than last Tuesday. What's up?"

"I just realized we're in another one of Super Trampoline's shitty stories."

Cadance looked around, only to see that she was constructed entirely of words put in a meaningful order. "Huh, I suppose we are. Well, chin up, his stories are usually pretty short."

Twilight groaned. “Easy for you to say. I end up in more of these than anypony else because I'm one of the few characters he feels confident enough to actually write, even though he just bowdlerizes me anyway in the name of crappy 'Random Comedies'."

"Woah, I'm sensing some major cynicism there."

"HAS HE SHIPPED YOU WITH HIS OC?!?!"

"Well, if I recall, last time he tried to do that you kidnapped him, which probably gave him mixed signals. Poor guy. You should go out with him; give him a chance. Who know's he could be the one!"

Twilight scrunched her face up, then breathed out while stretching her right forelimb out, just like her mentor had taught. "You're referring to 109 Extremely Short, Incredibly Horrible, & Shamelessly Bizarre Slashfics, Plus 1 That's Just Plain Insane, Not to Mention a Character Uprising, a Bomb Threat, a Few Optional Stable Time Loops, a Foalnapping, & Additionally Saving the World , which he needs to update, by the way. I'm talking about T̶h̶e̶ ̶L̶o̶n̶g̶ ̶L̶o̶s̶t̶ 7̶t̶h̶ ̶E̶l̶e̶m̶e̶n̶t S̶u̶p̶e̶r̶ ̶T̶r̶a̶m̶p̶o̶l̶i̶n̶e̶:̶ ̶P̶r̶o̶f̶e̶s̶s̶i̶o̶n̶a̶l̶ ̶W̶a̶i̶f̶u̶ ̶S̶t̶e̶a̶l̶e̶r̶ T̶h̶e̶ ̶B̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶S̶t̶o̶r̶y̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶F̶i̶m̶f̶i̶c̶t̶i̶o̶n. F̶e̶a̶t̶u̶r̶e̶ ̶B̶o̶x̶ ̶H̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶I̶ ̶c̶o̶m̶e̶ Please ⇩vote!, in which he ships himself with pretty much everpony, including you I might add!"

Cadance simply shrugged. "Meh, I like shipping. No sweat off my back."

"You don't understand! He lives in my city. He makes me proofread!"

For the first time in the conversation, Cadance actually felt a pang of empathy. "My goodness. Nopony deserves that. You poor thing." She reached over with a wing to console Twilight.

"Ugh!" Twilight grumbled, again. She was grumbling a lot. One can imagine why. "Look, If we're here, it probably means we're supposed to do something, and then the dumb story can end and I can go back to reading and you can go back to... something."

"Yes, about that. I actually called you here today about some problems I've been having with my TV set."

"Ponies don't have TVs," Twilight replied dryly.

Cadance rolled her eyes. "Of all the ridiculous fourth wall breaks and meta and character awareness, it's the TV you get hung up on? You think any of this is remotely anywhere near even attempting to hew to canon?"

Twilight's ears perked. "Oh, 'hew' is a cool word. It's a contronym! An antonym of itself!"

"Right, right," Cadance replied, hoping to avoid another linguistics lecture. Even if Twilight was a cunning linguist. Cadance knew that from firsthoof experience. "Look, you're smart. Can you you help me with my TV? Shining's away and I'm bored something awful. These Crystal ponies are terribly... shoot, I was trying to make a pun but couldn't think of any. They're all so... oh, fragile! They're skittish and easily frightened and don't understand most forms of humor. It's dreadful, Twilight. Dreadful!"

"Okay, okay, I'll fix you're buggering TV, just promise me that will be the end of it and I can go home afterwards. I left Rarity tied up on my bed, and..."

"Huh, I always figured she would be the top."

"What?"

"Oh nothing. But..."

"But what?"

Cadance waved her hoof. "No, no, it's nothing."

Twilight put on a serious disposition. "Cadance, you can talk to me about anything. You're my aunt after all."

"Sister-in-law."

"I've heard it both ways."

"Have you been hanging out in the Hayseed Swamps?"

"Huh?"

Cadance sighed. "It's a joke on stereotypes about American rednecks' propensity for incest."

"Oh. Okay. It wasn't funny."

"I know," the pink pony replied. "When is Super Trampoline ever funny?"

"Certainly not in this story! Ohhhh! Up top!"

They hoofbumped.

"Anyway, what I was going to say--and there's really no way to not do this awkwardly and abruptly--is that I'm pretty sure this story series usually has first-pony narration."

"Oh yeah, huh," I said. I looked around, and saw everything from my own perspective. Ahh, much better. I flexed my wings, feeling the once alien appendages open and close with ease, now an integral part of my body, certainly never the subject of body-dysphoria nightmares after I first got them or horror stories where I attempt to cut them off.

"Okay," I said with renewed vigor. Let's go fix that TV!"

"That's the spirit," Cadance replied.

We then looked around, as the author hadn't actually bothered to describe where we were. Like a video game that only renders what is visable on the screen, so Super Trampoline had failed to describe what hadn't yet explicitly needed describing.

[Author's note: Oops.]

We looked around and found ourselves at the Crystal Empire train station. Honestly, I'm surprised Hasbro hasn't made a toy set for it. It's a nice train station.

"Let's fly to castle," Cadance said, stealing Celestia's infamous line.

"Okay!" I replied, and we took off in tandem.

---

"So," Cadance began as we glided on currents of magic radiating from the Crystal Heart, "remind me what we're supposed to be parodying here? I lose track so easily."

"The Celestia Code and its sequels, ostensibly. But Super Trampoline only read the first book plus one chapter of The Lunar Cypher."

"I don't blame him," Cadance replied.

"Hey, what's that supposed to mean?!"

"As the Princess of Love, some of the character interaction was... subpar."

I blushed. "Okay, maybe I lost the plot a little in the second book."

Cadance smirked. "What, you mean how nopony liked it when you and Luna fell in love?"

" Well, no. I mean yeah, but no."

Cadance continued. "I have to agree with the readers, it was pretty ham fisted. Err, hamhoofed? Where does that expression even come from?"

I pounced on the opportunity to drop some knowledge. "The term 'Ham-fisted' is derived from 'ham-fist', which--"

"Yeah, okay, don't actually care," Cadance interrupted. "My point is you spent an entire paragraph, and I don't mean a small paragraph either, I mean a big, juicy, meaty, girthy--"

"Please stop this analogy," I groaned, interrupting in turn.

"Sorry, I really miss my husband. Anyway, you spent a long-ass time describing her barding in exacting detail using esoteric terms even I don't know! It was like, 'Hey, I'm gonna notice every little bloody thing about Luna!' and then the next thing you know, it's, 'Hey, I thought I wasn't gay, but now I'm noticing a lot of stuff about Luna,' and then the rest is history! Leave the shipping to me!"

"Okay, I--"

"And besides, TwiLuna is a crappy ship. Everpony who's anypony knows that the OTP is Twilight x Discord. Now Discolight, there's a ship I could get behind. You see, when you examine their personalities, at first it seems that they are complete opposites. Now, it is true, that in some ways they are highly contrary to each other. Yet..."

Readers, I apologize. Cadance is shipping me with fictional characters again. I find it's better to just let her run her course.

Ten minutes later, we landed on the porch outside her bedroom.

"So," I asked while she unlocked the wards on the door, "Why are you so desperate to get your TV fixed?"

"I told you, I get really lonely really quickly when Shiny's not here. I have needs, Twilight. Sexual needs."

She was looking at me a little funny. I giggled nervously. "Okay, but, uhh...w-why can't you fuck one of the guards? I know you swing more than the state of Florida in a presidential election."

Cadance grimaced. "I am faithful to my husband. Are you accusing me of extramarital indiscretions?"

"We had sex last Tuesday!" I yelled, perhaps a bit loudly. Those crystal ponies were pretty prudish.

"Oh yeah, huh. Wanna do it again?

My cheeks reddened. "Uh, no thanks, I'll pass. My vagina is still sore, and I'm not sure I'll ever get that vision of Pinkie's hair out of my head. How did she even do that?!"

Cadance smiled wryly. "Guess you'll just have to come to our club's next meeting. Fourth Tuesday of every month!"

"Yeah, we'll see. Let's just get this damned TV fixed so this story will end."

"Alright," she said, plopping down on her bed in front of said TV.

I found the remote on a nearby shelf and pressed the on button. This clearly wasn't just stolen human technology, as the buttons were all big enough that a hoof could accurately press them. Unless maybe technology changed when it went through the portal. Why hadn't I tested that out? Oh, yeah, because I only get to go through the portal once a year in a crappy made-for-tv Equestria Girls movie. Okay, that's not entirely true. The first two Equestria girls movies actually did come out in theatres, and I wasn't even in Legends of Everfree, just my awkward doppleganger, so I suppose the only "crappy made-for-tv Equestria Girls movie" I was in was "Friendship Games". But surely you understand that the sentiment is more important than the factuality of that statement. Wait, was I even in Friendship Games? Fuck if I remember. I usually use mind-wipe spells to suppress traumatic memories like that hot mess of a film.

Ahem, I digress. The TV turned on. Two ponies speaking Andalusian were providing commentary on a hoofball game. I flipped through a few channels, most of which seemed to be coming in just fine. "Cadance, what's wrong with your TV?"

"Twilight, I know the regular channels are working, but I want the... premium content."

"You mean like pay per view? Like HBO or Cinemax?"

"No, I mean like porn."

"Ugh, right. Because Shining Armor is away and you want to masturbate."

"Exactly. I'm glad you understand me!"

I rolled my eyes. Cadance could have a one-track mind sometimes. "Okay, but can't you watch porn on your, idunno, computer?"

"I don't have a computer! I'm a horse! Horses don't have computers!" Cadance barked.

I huffed. "Yes, of course, TVs are fine but having a computer is going Too Far! Wait a minute," I added, "How are you even getting porn on your TV?"

"Duh, every hotel TV has porn on it. You're telling me you've never checked that out?"

I was getting flustered with this madness. "I've never stayed in a hotel with TVs! Wait, hotel?!"

She seemed nonplussed. "Yeah, this is a hotel."

"B-b-but. But y-you...you're the queen. I mean Princess. You're princess of--you're the ruler of the Crystal Empire. Right? Is that a lie too? Is all I know and understand to be true nothing but an elaborate ruse?!?!"

Cadance wrapped a comforting wing around me. "Twilight, relax. I am Princess of the Crystal Empire. This just isn't my real castle."

I wanted to panic, but Cadance's warm, comforting presence was a soothing balm upon my psyche. "This... this isn't your castle?"

"Nope. Sombra's Uncle, Lord Edge destroyed the original Crystal Empire castle long ago. This is a single-room hotel."

"Wait," I said. "You... you pay to stay here?"

"Yes, but the empire pays me a subsidy exactly equal to the nightly rate."

"Which is?"

"Three bits a night."

"That's it?!" I exclaimed.

"Yeah, a thousand years without inflation has done some pretty wacky things to prices here. They haven't adjusted the rate because they don't need to."

I nodded, feeling calmer. "Okay, but still, why a hotel?"

"After the murderous reign of Lord Edge, the Crystal Ponies had the idea that it would be easier to kick a tyrant out of a hotel room than his own castle. Unfortunately Sombra put to rest that notion by just enslaving everypony."

"So...," I started, putting the pieces together, "This is basically a hotel TV?"

Cadance smiled. "Yep!"

"Okay, so what, you're too cheap to pay for the adult content?"

"What? Please, Twilight, you take me for a cheapskate? No, I can't get adult content because the child lock is on. I don't know the code!" She tried navigating to the pay-per-view screen, but indeed, five empty boxes and a numerical keypad appeared onscreen.

I facehoofed. "Oh my gosh Cadance, can't you just go buy some smutty magazines or something? I'm sure Taco Tuesday could recommend some good ones."

Cadance shook her head. "Nope, I like my pornography to be more animated. Come on Twilight, are you saying you aren't going to use your amazing smartypants nerd brain to crack the passcode? Are parental controls where you finally meet your match? Isn't this series all about cyphers and codes and cool stuff like that?"

"Cadance, you've got to be kidding me."

"What? I ain't trying 100,000 different combos. That's your job!"

"No no no! Don't you know how to reset the cable box?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"On the back of the box that sends a signal to the TV, there should be a little reset button. Have you tried pushing that?"

Cadance huffed. "What you, think I didn't try that? of course I tried to push it, but it's too small! [That's what she said.] I don't think even fingers would be small enough.

I carefully twisted the box beneath the television around with my magic. Sure enough there was a reset button, recessed into the surrounding plastic and no more than perhaps 2 millimeters wide. I sighed. "Cadance, do you know what a paperclip is?"

"Well, duh."

"Okay, do you have any paperclips?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. Hold on." She trotted into another room, and I heard rummaging sounds. A minute later, she came back with a paperclip suspended in blue telekinesis. I took it from her and unbent one end. I stuck the end of the paperclip into the reset button hole, depressing the button and holding it there. After five seconds, the TV reset itself.

Cadance's mouth hung open. "How...why didn't I think of that?"

I smiled with pursed lips. "It's okay, I'm just smart."

"You are, and that's why you're best sister in law." Such a phrase normally indicated a hug was eminent, but Cadance was somehow already hungrily scrolling through the menu options. "Ah, here, we go: The Magic Inspector. One of my favorites."

I decided now would be a great time to not be in Cadance's bedroom and was about to teleport the heck out of there, but Cadance motioned with a hoof to come watch with her. I rolled my eyes "I'm going to regret sticking around, aren't I?" I settled myself on the carpet in front of her bed and turned my eyes to the screen.

---

A handsome young stallion, robust and virile, knocked on the door of a house. He sported a white coat and a royal blue mane, and... Wait a minute. The door opened, revealing a tall but svelte mare, purple wings fluttering above a lush pink coat and tricolored... oh no.

"M'am," the stallion began, "we've received reports of several magic anomalies coming from within your house. I'm the magic anomalies inspector. Mind if I come in and have a look around?"

"Mmmm, maybe you could do more than just look," she said sultrily, turning around and lifting her tail. The camera zoomed in. I felt bile rising inside my throat.

Cadance was reclined on her bed, and slick squelching noises were beginning to emanate from the general direction of her crotch. I didn't dare look in her direction, for my eyes were held captive by the grotesque sight upon her television.

"No," I repeated, the blood draining from my face. Oh sweet and merciful Faust, please no...

On screen, the stallion had already mounted the mare. "Cadance?" I asked, feeling a vein popping and several ulcers beginning to form.

"Yes, Twilight?" she replied cheerfully. schlep schlep schlep

"Please tell me you and Shining Armor did not star in softcore pornography."

"We did." schlep schlep schlep.

I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to yell all sorts of angry words, to be furious at her for dragging me into this insane world of pony porn. But if I was being honest with myself, I didn't have it in me. I hadn't had horse cock in me for a while either. Maybe I needed this too.

"Eh, fuck it, we're all nonexistent entities anyway, might as well have some fun." I reached down between my legs to the sounds of my brother and babysitter getting it on, and fell into the blissful oblivion of la petite mort.

schlep schlep schlep.

Author's Note:

Comments

[Aotrs Commander]

This is going to like the Doctor Who and the Curse of Fatal Death of the alicorn-mystery-trilogy isn't it?

Something you settle for, because you are now convinced as short comedy one-off is going to be the best you'll ever get in that regards, and a slightly odd way to technically be the last thing the series ever sees.

(Except for six years later, when it actually get a new series pseudo-kinda-reset-but-not-really updated for current audiences.)

[iisaw]

.
.
.

.
.
.

!

[Fana Farouche]

incorrigible
/ɪnˈkɒrɪdʒɪb(ə)l/
adjective

1. (of a person or their behaviour) not able to be changed or reformed.
"he's an incorrigible provocateur"
synonyms: inveterate, habitual, confirmed, hardened, incurable, of dubious parentage, irreformable,
irredeemable, beyond hope/redemption, unrepentant, unapologetic, unashamed

noun

1. an incorrigible person.
"all repeat offenders, and all of them real hard-case incorrigibles, not one of whom can write"

Also, M'aam is spelled with two as as any fule know.

[TheLastBrunnenG]

Thumbs up for mentioning THAT ONE TWILUNA STORY. You know the one.

[Conscat]

Well that was... something. I don't know what it was, but I like it.

[PresentPerfect]

whaaaat

[Super Trampoline]

7950562 DAMMIT THIS ISN'T FINISHED YET IT'S NOT ACTUALLY PUBLISHED It is now

[Super Trampoline]

schlep schlep schlep

[Seether00]

Someone's off their meds again.

[Super Trampoline]

8120204 Actually interestingly enough as I've drastically lowered my dosage of ADHD medication and concurrently lowered my anxiety levels, I've been masturbating a lot less for much shorter durations.

[DJSkullguy78]

What the Fuck did I just read

[Super Trampoline]

8120288 derpicdn.net/img/view/2013/10/8/444135__safe_solo_pinkie+pie_image+macro_reaction+image_milkshake_you+must+be+new+here.jpg
Pure unfiltered genius.

[re- Yamsmos]

This story is poo poo.

[Super Trampoline]

8120310

derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/8/20/961584__safe_artist-colon-pohwaran_fluttershy_icon_picture+for+breezies_simple+background_solo_transparent+background_yes.png

[StarfallGlimmer]

I find myself laughing 3 times throughout this story
Yes I counted

[Super Trampoline]

8120349

[spikls]

the plot of this story schlepped past my mind!

The fourth wall's sole purpose of existence is to be violated and utterly destroyed. This story satisfies me.

Kill me.

[Neoarcad]

Why does this exist, how have I already read it, and HOW DID IT GET INTO MY FAVORITES

[BadTouch]

Twilight Enema

Excuse me, but you have my sides.

So thanks for that.

[Super Trampoline]

8120960 Replace "Beer" with "This story":
marye-kelley.com/images/products/detail/P8287_Beer_is_proof_that_god_loves_us_and_wants_us_to_be_happy_Benjamin_Franklin_Quote_Plate.jpg

[Super Trampoline]

8121021 What is your profile picture? That style looks familiar.

[xoid]

8121045
It’s from Oglaf.

[CommanderBigMac]

Dafuq dis I just read this

[BadTouch]

8121345 Correct, sir. It's the nonplussedest expression ever drawn.

[FanOfMostEverything]

As a parody of the Celestia Code series, it leaves something to be desired. As a Super Trampoline work, it is exemplary. And I learned a new vocabulary word!

[Twilight Connor]

[Super Trampoline]

8176499
8198180 glad you appreciated it!

[Twilight Connor]

8198407

[Griseus]

Meh.

[Super Trampoline]

8305970
Hem

[PresentPerfect]

the fuck

Also, your link to Taco Tuesday is dead. :B

[Super Trampoline]

8512591
Blame the site’s shitty new policy of not allowing access to unpublished stories unless they have a password set up. I’m going to have to go back and fix a lot of references.

[Thatguywiththeface]

"And besides, TwiLuna is a crappy ship"

Oh Cadance you silly filly you. TwiLuna is best ship.

[Walabio]

So now, Cadance and Shining Armor were in Softcore Porn. If they need extra money, they cannot go back to that because the Internet killed Softcore Horn:

People only watched Softcore Porn because Hardcore Porn was unavailable where they lived. The Softcore Business did well in 1990, was on lifesupport in 2000, and dead by 2010.