• Member Since 20th Sep, 2014
  • offline last seen February 6th

Ximer


I'm simply a mad man who enjoys driving others mad. That way other people can see things from my perspective.

T

Benjamin is ready to face the world of Equestria, or so he thinks. Still oblivious to the cultural differences, he accidentally wins the hearts of two mares. Problem is, they aren’t keen on sharing the human. Can two ponies that are as different as the day is to the night be able to come to terms with one another before hearts end up broken?

Credit for the cover goes to ParadigmPizza https://www.deviantart.com/paradigmpizza

Chapters (14)
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Comments ( 159 )

I look forward to reading more

7264851

Thanks, I hope I don't disappoint :twilightsmile:

Vesper was a bat pony also known as a thresal

Thestral...or was it intentional?

7265176

It was not, but fixed now. I hope you enjoyed it even with the hiccup :twilightsheepish:

7265225

Thanks, glad you like it so far. :scootangel:

Very nice, i like it.

Apparently the last documented human had died over two thousand years ago, whipped out by the Griffins, former enemy of Equestria.

I assume you mean wiped out.

One night I found myself unable to sleep, with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. Vespers instructions from Luna were to make sure I was still alive during the night, being an endangered species and all.

should be Vesper's.

That had been two weeks ago, and already we were pretty close, since bat ponies form bonds a bit quicker than normal pegasi will.

Only pegasi, or normal ponies in general? Also, I believe you can delete the will at the end of the sentence, though I'm not 100% sure.

Hope you don't mind my nitpickyness. promising start though, hope for the next chapter soon

seems good so far ill track

7267751 Thanks, glad you like it so far.


7266112 No, I don't mind, I figured I would miss something :applejackconfused:

The reactions other ponies gave me were shock and confussion,

confusion

“I will be, Celestia has already told them about me so there shouldn’t be any unexpected screams of mobs with pitchforks,”

Only the completely expected ones, and she promised:derpytongue2: me those will only take place once a month.

Ah, the woes of a single working mare. How ever will she find a date? Also, the obsessions of a dentist XD

Looking forward to more, as per usual with your works. You never seem to disappoint, no matter the story subject. :scootangel:

Hmm, I wonder why Cheerilee dislikes bat ponies?

Also, I love the cover art for this story.

brilliant can't wait for more

I've said it once and I'll say it again... Bat Pony!!

7275137
Only time will tell :trollestia:


7275165
Thanks, I hope you continue to enjoy it.


7276016

Thanks, I had it done at Midwest Bronyfest. I hope you continue to enjoy it.


7277482
:scootangel:


7279891
Couldn't have said it better myself.

Mmm... Rainbow Dash is fast... but the SR-71 is more faster than that little pegasus...
Ok no, i like your new story, i like that little batpony !!! :rainbowkiss:

Interesting start, though I'm not liking yet. I wish to see how the romance aspect of the story comes into play before I decide if I like the story or not

Okay Vesper, you just need to jump back up onto…his dic-no!

whoa, didn't see that coming lol. I have a duty to say this... Bat Pony!!!!

7311660 :derpytongue2: Bat Pony.........!

7311768

Punny puns are punny :pinkiecrazy:

I'm seeing a mental break down and/or a decline in physical health in Vesper's future should she attempt the whole "Daytime Bat Pony" thing. One does not simply (Insert Boromir Meme) abandoned thousands of generations of nocturnal behavior on a whim without major, and unhealthy consequences.

Your writing is as wonderful as ever, Mr Ximer, I hope you continue this rather interesting story. :scootangel:

It's a problem of RACISM. Or TRIBALISM as some fans like to call it.

7348454 Well, actually, Bat Ponies were not amoung the original three tribes. I'm not sure what my point was going into that, but there it is. :derpytongue2:

7348499 They could be a sub-tribe/sub-race of pegasus branch.

7348503 That... Is actually very believable... The more you know! :twilightsmile:

Thank you very much for sneaking in this chapter, Mr Ximer, as always, very well done, lad.

7348662
Sorry for the delay, I could only check it occasionally from my phone, but I'm glad you like it so far.

7348503
There's different takes on this, some say sub species of pegasi, others label them as a different type of pony entirely. I think either one works as an explanation, there was one story who's title escapes my memory that explained these odd traits as an enchantment from Luna, as the stallion claimed he was actually a regular earth pony.

I'm trying this new way of commenting, which means each time I read a sentence that catches my attention I'll comment on it and then give my overall opinion in the end. Let's see how it goes:

A set of stairs led up to a second level of the house, which I doubted I would ever see for the duration of my time with Cheerilee

Subtle hint is subtle.

Perhaps a bad experience with some other bipedal creature was responsible for her mini freak out

Benjamin's thoughts seems too accurate to be coincidental.

The greatest heroes started out as a humble foal

Get rid of the 'a' and turn 'foal' to 'foals'.

As I turned my attention to the road ahead of us, I noticed two mares that seemed to be rather good friends with a charcoal stallion. Both mares planted a kiss on each of his cheeks, making the stallion's chest puff out slightly.

Ahh, the old guy-gets-both-mares-because-herding-is-a-thing cliche.


Now for the review part (before you read just know that this is not a rant, I actually like this story and I want it to succeed):

So far the story takes a turn I'd rather not want it to. You've already established the concept of herds, which means there will be no choice for Benjamin between Cheerilee and Vesper, but rather the lazy approach of having them both. Now, before I continue on my review let me get one thing out of the way: I don't share the hate other people have for love triangles, it's just that in most cases the guys get both girls with not much conflict going on. So I urge you not to rush the relationship building aspect in this story and take your time for Benjamin and Cheerilee to develop feelings for one another. Also make sure Benjamin reached a coherent conclusion about who he wished to be with.

And if we're talking about feelings let's talk and Vesper's feelings. I want to know more about Benjamin's and Vesper's past. I want to know how she developed feelings for him. Just knowing she has a crush on him isn't enough to sympathize with her. I don't say that I want a ten thousand words flashback chapter that explains everything between Benjamin and Vesper from start to finish, as that would simply detract from the plot, but recalling a few key moments in their relationship would certainly help in my book. But again, don't rush it.

7348499
7348503
Just because bat ponies weren't mentioned in the heart warming eve tale doesn't mean that they did not exist back then or that they are a sub species. Saddle Arabian ponies are different as well, are they also a sub-species? An ethnic group is not above or bellow another ethnic group. I may get a little heated when in comes to racism, being Jewish and all, and I know that writers can use whatever to explain bat ponies, but calling them a sub-species to pegesi always struck me as a bit racist

7365512 sub-species or race is a scientific term mate...
Only the uneducated (moral and knowledge) uses them as insult.

7365584 I know that sub-species is a real term, but when you apply it to other living, thinking being, despite the content, it feels demeaning and condescending. I wasn't saying that what you wrote was necessarily wrong, I was simply adding my two scents on the matter

7365587 Ok, then.
Though, for me, the insulting terms would be something like sub-human. Meaning something along the line of less than human.
While sub-species is a branch of evolution in a species...A race to be specific. And sub-race is an even smaller branch of a race.

If we put it into a fantasy world. My view is like this:
Species: Human.
Sub-Species: Elf, Dwarf, Nord, Man...
Sub-races of Elf: Wood Elf, Night Elf, High Elf, Dark Elf, Blood Elf,...

Why did I include Elf and Dwarf? They are still very much human in appearance. With few different attributes that change with an author's lore. And skin tone seem more like a sub-race thing in fantasy settings...It can still be true in real life settings. Asian, European, American, African,... It is not the skin colors that set their races. It is their races that set the skin colors, and many other details that someone else can answer.

7365503

Thanks, while I have used both as an explanation for their existence, without any cannon info I don't think anyone can be certain, but the more logical explanation is that they are just an indigenous tribe of ponies that were here before the other three. Given that they are nocturnal and normal ponies are not, it isn't hard to believe that they weren't discovered until later when their settlements started to expand.

I never meant offense to be taken with it, and I have a great respect for the Jewish community. This is actually my first love triangle story, and the only way to get better is through trial and error, which is why I appreciate any and all feed back. There will be more to the story, that much I can promise you. There's actually going to be a bit of science in the coming chapter, science buttons may or may not be included.

None of that common core bullshit existed here.

This sentence makes me so happy, I think I may cry. :fluttercry:

“Why don’t you just fly over them?” Rainbow asked.

“No wings,” I replied with a shrug, nearly dislodging my passenger from my back.

Yeah, Rainbow D(umbass)ash. How's supposed to fly without a catapult otherwise?

I was tempted to chunk a pillow at her,

*chuck.

at least until the affects wore off later.

*effects

Vesper tried to dismiss her feelings as little more than infatuation, since Bejnamin was perhaps the most exotic creature in Equestria, or even the entire world. The mare had a soft heart for things that were different from the rest. Being a bat pony she was all too familiar with being the odd one out for virtually

everything, save for her own kind.

Methinks that you hit enter on a sentence by accident.

nice story man keep up the good work and hope you the best in your life :3

“Okay,” Cheerilee said breaking the silence. “I know this is going to be a challenge for both of us, so let’s just get a fresh start on things. My name is Cheerilee, what’s your name?”

She already knew his name. He's introduced himself to her twice now. Once at the train station, and once three days prior when he and Starlight met with her at the schoolhouse.

“Hands,” I held up the two appendages, wiggling my fingers. “My hooves are called hands where I’m from.”

I would think that feet would be closer to being hooves than hands would. Hands are closer to being paws through their shape alone. Yes ponies don't have paws, but other critters on their planet do.

7470872

While she had heard his name twice she was trying to keep things in norm. for a teacher, and teacher's typically ask for names the first day of school. Even for the ones who have attended the same school a new rotation might be in her/his room and would need to know their names and a bit about them since no two students are the same.

Even though this is only one student, I feel that Cheerilee would treat it the same as any other class for the sake of both the story and from what I assume is the standard for a regular teacher.

As far as the hands/hooves bit....yeah I've got nothing, just used to writing them out as hooves begin mistake for hands....:pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy: :pinkiecrazy:

7465842
as a guy who's only started playing DnD about two weeks or so ago I have no idea what this is about. Care to explain to the newb?

My name is Benjamin, no last name that I can remember, falling off a cliff can do that.

This sentence doesn't make any sense whatsoever. I have no idea what's going on here except that his name is apparently Benjamin and he has a knack for falling off cliffs. What makes this worse is that it's so early on in the story, it impedes the immersion.

The first few days were filled with questions and recovery from my fall, which wasn’t too unpleasant.

What fall!? Wasn't the story that he found his way in Equestria by getting lost in the woods!?

No, my unexplained trip to Equestria was the result of leaving camp to take care of “business” and getting lost in the woods.

So it was... Well, I'm thoroughly confused at this point. Perhaps this Benjamin character really likes to jump off cliffs and take great falls. He must have some kind of falling fetish. It's the only explanation for this nonsense.


Outside of this particular insanity in the beginning, it looks promising. I shall read on.

Alright, you had a bit of a rough start in the prologue but I really liked this chapter. I'm looking forward to what you bring out next :D

7474766 Common core is the new way to teach math to children in the USA. I don't know much about it myself, so feel free to use google on the specifics.

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