• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen Yesterday

Southern Wing


Just a amateur writer nothing more

T

My name is Southern Wing, well that's what my pony friends call me. My real name is Schkitz and I am a red changeling.
Most of my life I've spent in peace, however my hive is in danger from an old adversary. Queen Chrysalis is planning something
I don't know what but I am afraid. I'm afraid that she'll take action against us or against ponykind which would be worse.
I may have bred to be a soldier, but I can't help but feel like things are going to get worst before they get better. With the rumors of a wedding in the wind, time will tell.

(7/7/15 realized adventure tag was an accidental mistag on my part)
coverart by Discourt

Chapters (16)
Comments ( 32 )

The chapter is edited very well with no errors in shight. I'll be tracking and hoping to see more work from you :twilightsheepish:

I'm interested and looking forward to where this goes

Many questions.

Queen Chrysalis, the newly proclaimed ruler of the blue changeling hive, --
I can only hope that we are able to notify the princesses, that we and the violets pose and wish no harm to ponykind.

Who / What are the Blue/Violet hives? Are all changeling hives separated via coloration? Do these different offshoots of Changeling differ in more than just coloration?

"It's just Queen Chrysalis. She's got me--hell, the entire hive--antsy for fuk'kahs sake," Wing cursed

If I'm not mistaken, Hell is a religious concept that isn't at home with Ponies. Tartarus would be more applicable. Also, swearing for the sake of swearing with 'Fuk'kah'

The hive minds are split on the decision.

Are the hive minds linked to another, or are there messengers? What are the relations between the separate hives, and do any hives rival another?

"Yeah...apparently there's a wedding coming up in Canterlot Hopefully we will probably make a decision before or after the wedding."

Needs punctuation between Canterlot and Hopefully.

And I know just how to help! Twi and the others are going out for a picnic

These two not only know Twilight Sparkle, and her friends, but they're on a nick-name basis? How did this occur?

"Fly or teleport?"

This is implying that Sev has the ability to teleport on par to Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic and literal Wizard compared to the average pony. It also implies he is able to teleport more than himself at great distance, something Twilight herself has difficulty with. Further, how does a Unicorn fly?

the pegasus leaped forward and transformed into a Manticore, stomping the first Timber Wolf into bits,

Alright, perhaps he is part of a different kind of changeling that can actually take on the physical aspects of whatever they change into, granted. However, what is the cost of doing so? It would take a supreme amount of energy to modify the body in such a way as to duplicate the strength of something far more impressive in both size and strength than an average changeling would have.

"By the divine powers of Queen Zacarlie, the holy word of Queen Faust, the serenity that is our Mother Queen Chitin, I, Thorx of the Infiltration Chask, do hereby proclaim that Schkitz and Sev Divine to be bondbrothers now and forever!"

Queen Faust :rainbowhuh:

Also, word soup. Zacarlie, Thorx and Chask have no reference, and will come to the reader as blank spaces or interruptions. It is similar to pleasantly reading and finding a word in a different language that you've never seen before. You'll read it, but your mind will make the effort to blank out anything for what it just read, as the word is meaningless.

Wing kissed Fluttershy before he and Sev took off for Sweet Apple Acres.

Wing walked outside and took off for the cottage he shared with his wife, Fluttershy.

Context? How is this a thing?

“Oh, thank Faust we won’t be doing stupid stuff to get our cutie marks!”
“Thank Zarkesh…” Winter said relievedly. Wing shook his head.

Thank Horaboobalun, Thank Skitratiskoosi.

You get where I'm coming with this.

*****

I apologize If I've been rude or harsh, but I wanted to provide feedback.

I in no way mean to destroy or belittle your story, or anything negative. I know how difficult it is to put oneself out in the open and share a story that you believe in with all your heart. A few comments made had almost driven me to stop writing, So I won't do the same to you.

I can offer some advice though.

For everything you mention, be prepared to explain it in detail as if it had happened to you.

What I mean by that, is the reader has no idea what is going on, aside from what you tell them specifically. All of this may make perfect sense in your head, but the reader can't see that. Be prepared to explain anything you mention, like how the main characters know Twilight and her friends, how one of them is married to Fluttershy of all ponies, how they know about changelings before the wedding, how ponies and changelings can cross-breed, the different politics associated with the hives and Equestria as a whole, the wars for over a millennium that up and vanished with little explanation, the consistency of a character either being a unicorn or a pegasus, and what lives these characters have outside of the narrative.

Who were the characters before everything happened? What was their childhood like? Did they have any lovers, or were they a loner?

Make sure your characters are well fleshed out and believable above all else.

if you have any questions, or even want to yell at me for being so blunt, then feel free to send me a private message. I'm always willing to help.

:twilightsmile:

7385663
I know you're trying to help as for the Wing and Fluttershy being a couple and all the other bits and I thank you. I do mean to start one with S1 premiere of this universe after I finish this or i may just set this one to hiatus to work on it (which probably would be the best idea.) My thinking was get the one that is the most thought out done first then do the others. that was probably a mistake on my part. (though with the first one wing and shy would still be dating and married by the second.) If anything it's mainly myself that is my biggest critic like a lot of artists. I could always do a brief summary at the start as a prologue.

7569554
Ok. I give to go ahead to use the lyrics.


7569557
Thank you. It may be a non speaking cameo but I thought it'd be a nice one.

This is going to cost them, I'm hoping to see that tank commander paying for his stupidity. Emotions are for a Grunt not a commander, of a Grunt losing control of himself he's likely to get him self killed. Of a commander loses control he gets his men killed. Also it would be fun to see Celestia strip him over everything and ship him off as a peace offering.

8268011
Your half right. Emotions are necessary for war, otherwise you risk losing sight of why you are at war.
That said, reckless and destructive emotions have no place on the battlefield at all. Not for grunts or commanders. That is how war crimes start.

8268011
8270188

You're both right. They will be facing punishment it may not be what you're expecting though. I'l end the reply on this. Do you think that Schkitz/Wing is the only changeling with a pony wife?

Will that Pony be punished for attacking the Changlings that came to thier aid?

Gilded Shield crossed a line there.

8620625
Yep. Now he'll have to live with his decision. I'm not planning on his punishment being easy either.

Rainbow needs to get her head out of her rump. Her racism is not an expression of her element, but of her hatred.

Man, Rainbow Dash really hates Wing right now. Also, who would have the gall to paint graffiti on Fluttershy's cottage as insults?

Also, good to see this story is continuing. It's been a solid year of waiting.

9380934
No idea but they'd have to have a pair of brass balls to do it. I also plan to get more done this year than one chapter.


9380371
Yeah, but it's Dash she's the most stubborn of all the mane 6 next to AJ. She'll get her head out of her flank eventually but it'll take time.

New chapter! I'm sooo excited!

It would be interesting to see things from Rainbow’s point of view but I’m pretty sure I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

“What was that?!” the alicorn demanded.
“I apologize, Your Majesty. That was… is what happens when we changelings let anger take control of us. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it takes a high level unicorn or an alicorn to take us down if we can’t regain control ourselves.” Wing retreated back into the shadow of his cell.
“And the bit about justice? Is there an explanation for that?”
“That was true; we don’t react well to changeling lives being taken by non-changelings. I do know this: If incidents like this keep up, it will be a long time before ponies unaware of our kind are trusted.”

And one changeling single handedly assured that every changeling in Equestria is hunted down, turned to stone, sent to Tartarus, or banished from the country.

Really, I understand why the Author did this. Its an easy way to do exposition and let the reader know about the world and its unique cannon.

However based on who Celestia actually is, as well as how psychopathically protective she is about her ponies, she would never allow a being that unstable and powerful free rain in Equestria. She Absolutely with zero doubt would never let a entire race of those people free run in her country.

By the actual show cannon, the ponies are xenophobic. It really is a very 1920's USA when dealing with non pony races. (to be honest I really wouldn't be surprised to see pony only drinking fountains in the actual show, course they would never do that.) While this Authors version of Sun-Butt will ignore this because of the plot, Celestia really would kick every single changeling out of the country just based on the quote alone. (And their pony families.)


As for the story, so far Im liking it. I like the realism of the conflict. The allied tanks getting slammed by malicious friendly fire does indeed happen, as does a lot of things the civilians never hear about. Its refreshing to see. Normally I don't like modern weapons in Euestria, its hard to do properly especially by younger writers who often want to just "Rambo" through their story lines. This Author is one of the few who (so far) is doing it well. Im pleasantly surprised.

Normally I also dislike the way Japanese culture is fan-girled/warshiped/idolized and depicted in stories. Authors who drank the coolaid and ramrod Japanese culture into their stories because 'reasons' and it having zero to do with the plot. (I mean whats the point in your character wearing a Japanese diaper or Japanese pants. Nothing irritates me more than finding out that i spent 14 minutes looking up a word, just to understand the Author put his character in 11th century Japanese pants, in modern times for fuck knows why. Pisses me right off.)

This Author pleasantly has a reason for the culture to be in the story and has done an excellent job of doing it right. So Im very impressed so far in terms of the way this story has been executed and planned out. The writing itself, so far is ok. This Author is no Ernest Hemingway, but few people are.

Bear in mind that this is still early in the story, but so far Im looking forward to more.

Well done

The Monk
“There are many ways to create a monster, and the one the girl knows best is rather basic: you tell someone they're a monster over and over again, then wait to see how long it takes before they agree with you.” -Estee

10463387
Yeah I admit i could have handled that bit better.

10464147
None of us is Ernest Hemingway, but this is a good story and you do have my interest.

The Monk
“Come into my parlor, Ted. I have cookies!” -Reykan

10889896
going a bit slow due to some writers block but am aiming to get the next chapter up by the end of the month.

10890760
Keep up the good work no rush

So much for the end of the month. Oh well.

10924172
I’m doing what i can. And I have made progress on the next chapter

10924558
I’m not complaining or anything.

10924567
I know. I’m disappointed mainly in myself for not getting it out when I said I would.

Login or register to comment