• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 8 hours ago

Southern Wing


Just a struggling author who would like feedback on ongoing fics being written

T

My name is Southern Wing, well that's what my pony friends call me. My real name is Schkitz and I am a red changeling.
Most of my life I've spent in peace, however my hive is in danger from an old adversary. Queen Chrysalis is planning something
I don't know what but I am afraid. I'm afraid that she'll take action against us or against ponykind which would be worse.
I may have bred to be a soldier, but I can't help but feel like things are going to get worst before they get better. With the rumors of a wedding in the wind, time will tell.

(7/7/15 realized adventure tag was an accidental mistag on my part)
coverart by Discourt

Chapters (12)
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Comments ( 15 )

The chapter is edited very well with no errors in shight. I'll be tracking and hoping to see more work from you :twilightsheepish:

I'm interested and looking forward to where this goes

Many questions.

Queen Chrysalis, the newly proclaimed ruler of the blue changeling hive, --
I can only hope that we are able to notify the princesses, that we and the violets pose and wish no harm to ponykind.

Who / What are the Blue/Violet hives? Are all changeling hives separated via coloration? Do these different offshoots of Changeling differ in more than just coloration?

"It's just Queen Chrysalis. She's got me--hell, the entire hive--antsy for fuk'kahs sake," Wing cursed

If I'm not mistaken, Hell is a religious concept that isn't at home with Ponies. Tartarus would be more applicable. Also, swearing for the sake of swearing with 'Fuk'kah'

The hive minds are split on the decision.

Are the hive minds linked to another, or are there messengers? What are the relations between the separate hives, and do any hives rival another?

"Yeah...apparently there's a wedding coming up in Canterlot Hopefully we will probably make a decision before or after the wedding."

Needs punctuation between Canterlot and Hopefully.

And I know just how to help! Twi and the others are going out for a picnic

These two not only know Twilight Sparkle, and her friends, but they're on a nick-name basis? How did this occur?

"Fly or teleport?"

This is implying that Sev has the ability to teleport on par to Twilight Sparkle, the Element of Magic and literal Wizard compared to the average pony. It also implies he is able to teleport more than himself at great distance, something Twilight herself has difficulty with. Further, how does a Unicorn fly?

the pegasus leaped forward and transformed into a Manticore, stomping the first Timber Wolf into bits,

Alright, perhaps he is part of a different kind of changeling that can actually take on the physical aspects of whatever they change into, granted. However, what is the cost of doing so? It would take a supreme amount of energy to modify the body in such a way as to duplicate the strength of something far more impressive in both size and strength than an average changeling would have.

"By the divine powers of Queen Zacarlie, the holy word of Queen Faust, the serenity that is our Mother Queen Chitin, I, Thorx of the Infiltration Chask, do hereby proclaim that Schkitz and Sev Divine to be bondbrothers now and forever!"

Queen Faust :rainbowhuh:

Also, word soup. Zacarlie, Thorx and Chask have no reference, and will come to the reader as blank spaces or interruptions. It is similar to pleasantly reading and finding a word in a different language that you've never seen before. You'll read it, but your mind will make the effort to blank out anything for what it just read, as the word is meaningless.

Wing kissed Fluttershy before he and Sev took off for Sweet Apple Acres.

Wing walked outside and took off for the cottage he shared with his wife, Fluttershy.

Context? How is this a thing?

“Oh, thank Faust we won’t be doing stupid stuff to get our cutie marks!”
“Thank Zarkesh…” Winter said relievedly. Wing shook his head.

Thank Horaboobalun, Thank Skitratiskoosi.

You get where I'm coming with this.

*****

I apologize If I've been rude or harsh, but I wanted to provide feedback.

I in no way mean to destroy or belittle your story, or anything negative. I know how difficult it is to put oneself out in the open and share a story that you believe in with all your heart. A few comments made had almost driven me to stop writing, So I won't do the same to you.

I can offer some advice though.

For everything you mention, be prepared to explain it in detail as if it had happened to you.

What I mean by that, is the reader has no idea what is going on, aside from what you tell them specifically. All of this may make perfect sense in your head, but the reader can't see that. Be prepared to explain anything you mention, like how the main characters know Twilight and her friends, how one of them is married to Fluttershy of all ponies, how they know about changelings before the wedding, how ponies and changelings can cross-breed, the different politics associated with the hives and Equestria as a whole, the wars for over a millennium that up and vanished with little explanation, the consistency of a character either being a unicorn or a pegasus, and what lives these characters have outside of the narrative.

Who were the characters before everything happened? What was their childhood like? Did they have any lovers, or were they a loner?

Make sure your characters are well fleshed out and believable above all else.

if you have any questions, or even want to yell at me for being so blunt, then feel free to send me a private message. I'm always willing to help.

:twilightsmile:

7385663
I know you're trying to help as for the Wing and Fluttershy being a couple and all the other bits and I thank you. I do mean to start one with S1 premiere of this universe after I finish this or i may just set this one to hiatus to work on it (which probably would be the best idea.) My thinking was get the one that is the most thought out done first then do the others. that was probably a mistake on my part. (though with the first one wing and shy would still be dating and married by the second.) If anything it's mainly myself that is my biggest critic like a lot of artists. I could always do a brief summary at the start as a prologue.

Awesome.
Can I use the lyrics for the song in a fanfic of mine?
I'll give all credit to you for the song.
Please? It's an awesome song.

Also, I like how you added thorax into this chapter.
Really well done!

7569554
Ok. I give to go ahead to use the lyrics.


7569557
Thank you. It may be a non speaking cameo but I thought it'd be a nice one.

This is going to cost them, I'm hoping to see that tank commander paying for his stupidity. Emotions are for a Grunt not a commander, of a Grunt losing control of himself he's likely to get him self killed. Of a commander loses control he gets his men killed. Also it would be fun to see Celestia strip him over everything and ship him off as a peace offering.

8268011
Your half right. Emotions are necessary for war, otherwise you risk losing sight of why you are at war.
That said, reckless and destructive emotions have no place on the battlefield at all. Not for grunts or commanders. That is how war crimes start.

8268011
8270188

You're both right. They will be facing punishment it may not be what you're expecting though. I'l end the reply on this. Do you think that Schkitz/Wing is the only changeling with a pony wife?

Will that Pony be punished for attacking the Changlings that came to thier aid?

Gilded Shield crossed a line there.

8620625
Yep. Now he'll have to live with his decision. I'm not planning on his punishment being easy either.

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