"Over 1000 years ago, a star fell from the skies - not in malice, or a desire to bring destruction. What was found was a creature, terrified and fearful of the skies that gave birth to it. "
Honestly, I don't know what that really means. I'm only trying to survive in this blasted Wasteland. The only reason I haven't given this damn diary to the ponies looking for it is because they'd probably vaporise me afterwards.
So now I'm stuck with dealing with a problem that the universe thinks me, Lucky Shoes, is the only pony who can fix. I'm... just not sure exactly what the problem is, and this diary isn't exactly forthcoming with details.
Chapters (1)
Bones? Why he isn't a doctor?! Could be great reference.
So far interesting preamble and good wording.
I think it's a nice start of a story.
Perhaps the flashback to the conversation between Cotton Swodd and Nightmare Moon serves a purpose in the greater narrative, but its inclusion in this chapter feels disjointed. As far as the narration is concerned, that scene comes between two moments (first a reflection, second an action sequence) belonging to the protagonist. It is a very short scene, and it does not carry over any of the ideas discussed in the reflection. Nor does it provide much connection to the action sequence afterwards. The result is a jarring transition that breaks my immersion and investment immediately in the rest of the chapter.
It is this little gem, simply a complaint, that establishes one of the main traits of our protagonist. The name, irony, and composition combine together for well-executed humor.
Though Lucky Shoes should probably note that this raider was knocked unconscious and laid out, probably crumpled, on the ground. Not exactly dignified and surely not adorable. No telling either what sort of facial damage that stop sign inflicted. So safe to say that Lucky Shoes must have a weird conception of what is "cute."
A little bit of self-awareness really helps in these stories.
These instances, in which Lucky tells us exactly what he is feeling or emoting with un-ambiguous adjectives, are pretty frequent.
The flow goes all over the place with this chapter as it flies through cuts and flashbacks on a fickle basis. Thus, this chapter feels more like a tale told haphazardly than a story written precisely. The bits of scenes that do get fleshed out tend to suffer from lack of description or reliance on straight-out exposition. Lucky Shoes gives the reader an interesting perspective as he is pretty much a child in an adult's body; however, his narration gets held back by the aforementioned issues. Still, I want to know where you will take this story.