"What if" Story #1
Swift Whooves, a blue pegasus with a dark blue mane, emerald green eyes, and a single yellow lightning bolt for a cutie mark, appears in Ponyville with two friends. He was visiting his cousin, Dr. Whooves, who had just recently moved to Ponyville. However during his visit, he meets a rainbow maned pegasus, who crashes into him while flying. After a short argument, the two hated the others guts. But this grudge between them ends up with both of them stuck in a cave and the only way out was blocked by a rockslide. Little did they know, they would be great friends when they are finally rescued. Or, do they become something much more?
~Cancelled due to rewrite~
Chapters (9)
Another RainbowXOC fic?
777721
They're not so bad if written well y'know.
Dammit! Dark has only flames!!!!!!!!!!! You're using the night fire cutie mark on dark flames! other than that it seems like a somewhat good story,
779154 Why did you change it?! It used to be that mark for all of your OCs!
Darkflame= blue flames (Look at my profile pic)
Darkfire=heart (Pegasus)
NightFlame= black dagger
Night Fire= black dagger stabbing a heart surrounded by blue flames.
HEY! Everyone bumming on this story, BACK OFF! It's good, and has potential. I'M LOOKING AT YOU MISTER DISLIKE BAR!!!
Anyway, please, continue, I am must impresses with the storyline!
780993 Thank you. Some people do need to give some fics, like this one, a chance.
Interesting.
I don't mind these kind of stories myself.
I would be more of a sarcastic smartass than be confident in you not getting hurt. No offense, that's just how I am.
785555 Yeah, but you're a little cocky when it comes to our character's abilities sometimes.
785876
Well so what if my character follows my pryo love and tendency to blow shit up? It's my life
This is the real review for me by this chapter.
Of course. Of course you decide to put that in. I feel like in the show Rainbow would just slam her hoof into your stomach.
791376 Yes! I had to put that in! Just to build a little suspense. Rainbow probably would've hit me in the show. Or at least try to.
791647
I vote slam in to the stomach for not asking, then her kissing you back.
792755 I knew you would probably vote that!
Awesome job, and please check out the story, muffin delivery by collab time
805002 I will make a note to do that.
805014
You need to, it's a good story
Great story. I think you sped them into the relationship a bit to fast though. I think that if you extended the chapters a little, set up a more discriptive scene for while they are in the cave, and slowing down the story in total would have made it better. If you do decide to try this post it, and save it as a seperate copy that you work on from your computer, print it up, and have someone look over it. If you do this every few chapters you will be able to see what you have written, how you can improve, and what your writting style is compared to what you are trying to write. You will also have a complete copy printed once the story is done, ask hasbro, get a copywrite, and send it to be edited and published, and get printed.see how it works out and hope for the best.
best of luck!
written by the tugh from the tugh
806326 Thanks! I'm not really in any rush to try to publish or get a copywrite. Actually, I do this for the fun of it! I did have the first cave scene longer to the point where it told my character's backstory for story that aren't part of Humans to Bronies to Ponies, which are called 'What if' stories. I decided to take all of that out and add it in a later chapter. Most chapters I write turn out to be 1,000 - 2,500 words long, usually around 1,500 words. I will write longer chapters soon. In fact, next chapter might be around 2,000 words long, so look forward to that. Thanks for your opinion!
Won't tell them anything. But fireballs? Dude, my charecters (All four) can cover themselves in fire, and when they do a their special skill get the dragon pupils.
984822 You used fireballs because it was just a demonstration.
I noticed one spelling error, paied should be payed, when swift said " He payed somepony to assassinate my parents."
great story, and I can't wait for the next chapter.
I noticed a couple sentences with missing words like this.
He picked up the rabbit, placed it on his back, and teleported to Fluttershy's cottage.
You forgot to.
first part was good
... but later on it soon become a buch of smarty investigating crap
ill give you a tip more action and love IF necesary k have a good day/night sincerely~rainbowdashfan3353 
1000786 Sometimes moments like that will occur in the story, just to let you know.
1005889 k
hehehe Pinkie thought Rainbow waz a lesbian huh?
BTW i wove the story
1036241 Wow I can't believe someone got that. I have to thank Nightfire for that idea. I'm glad that you like the story I'm going to start writing the next chapter today. Also thanks for the fav.
Really?
ponybot.net/?i=1140
I win, check mate my good sir.
165782 I can't see the picture smartass! I can't view it on my phone! Also, if the picture is a Dalek, then these are prototypes!
EXTERMINATE!!!!
Um, OP much?
1890546 Dude, you haven't even seen OP yet. My character has only one move that is truly OP.
I love it so much