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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Solid start for sure. Would definitely fix the typo in the description (reveals not reviles). That's enough to turn away quite a few readers before they click the first chapter. Other than that, you explain the tech well. I'm a sucker for halo fics to begin with so take your time and give it more depth than most of the "op soldier wrecks face 24/7" stories on this site
Too much repetition. Only use it when you need to emphasize something, not establish a scene.
Unneeded exposition dump. Mostly only fans will be reading this, it's redundant. That and you should try to stay away from exposition dumps in general. It'd be better to describe the derelict ship here than explain the whole backstory.
Fix that one too.
Otherwise it was an alright story, but you could do with some polishing. Maybe I'll come back to this one later. Good luck.
Bet you ten bucks dash is immediately going to attack the chief. Or at least not trust him at all
Applejack was just looking at the stars, pointing out the constellations that dealt with apples and Fluttershy was about asleep.
Applejack was just looking at the stars, pointing out the constellations that dealt with apples and Fluttershy was about to asleep.