- Member Since 24th Nov, 2015
- offline last seen Dec 28th, 2023
TheImperialBrony
A simple and totally ordinary brony making stories and a Emperor/Empress of an Empire on Steam and Fimfiction.
TheImperialBrony
Joined 24th Nov, 2015 ·
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7370636 No problamo! It will be coming soon!
7371516 Good.
Should be a colon, not a semicolon.
Comma after "for."
"Heard" is a little better. You could just make it active voice, too: "Then he heard the sounding of multiple hooves hitting the floor behind him."
Probably don't need the quotations, since he's thinking, not speaking.
Ehhh... how about this: "The console made a small beep, and the panel on it lit up. He sighed with relief, glad to see that it was still working."
All right, this was just the prologue, so not much to unpack here. I'm not sure when I'll get to the rest, so as a brief rundown of the good and bad...
The Good: It was attention-getting and set the tone for the story.
The Bad: It's a bit cliched, not too much unlike any other horror movie or sci-fi action film. It might have needed a bit more to tease out the emotions of the scene or heighten the sense of terror to have the good doctor trying to hide from these creatures before running away. And, as pointed out above, you might need an editor. I was lucky enough to get that advice as well, and it really helped out. Sadly, I don't think I can volunteer for the job, but I'm sure someone else might take up the reigns!
7636038 Thanks for the help tho, I changed it to fit slightly better...
I will be going back to reread and fix the story every so often.
i like the way this story is going its pretty decent not gonna lie ;3