• Published 12th Jul 2012
  • 7,073 Views, 487 Comments

Stuck In Equestria - VaporingRat



A human travels to Equestria in a DeLorean and causes all sorts of mischief.

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I Dream Of Ponyville...

I return to the DeLorean and check on the food situation. It is safe to say that the milk is a no-go after being outside of a refrigerated environment for a long time, so I just poured the contents into a sewer grate, well, I THINK it's a sewer grate. Anyways, the can of Sprite is still intact, so I've got that to drink. The quiche should be okay if I eat it now, the chocolate might survive, I hate wholemeal so I threw the bread out onto the street and what am I supposed to do with potatoes?

In the end, I snack on the quiche and drink the Sprite. And for some reason, I feel like I'm in some weird version of the DayZ mod for Arma II. Freaky.

When I finish my breakfast/lunch, I then start the next important task: hide the DeLorean. Why? Because I don't want it to be stolen or vandalized. For all I know, this could be a rough neighborhood. I look around for a good place to hide it, but I couldn't see any.

"S'up," someone said from behind me.

"Yo," I reply, and turn around. Then... "sweet Jesus!" I dive over the bonnet of the DeLorean and land on the other side. I peer over the top of the car and spot the thing that spoke to me. It was another horse, but white with two different shades of blue in it's mane and tail. It was wearing purple tinted glasses that prevented me from seeing it's eyes and it had a tattoo of a musical note on it's rear bumper. It also had a horn or some sharp thing on it's forehead.

"Whoa dude, I ain't gonna bite you," the horse thing said to me.

This is a dream, keep calm. Just act natural.

"Uh, good to know..." I reply hesitantly.

"Nice set of wheels you got there," the horse thing said as it came over to admire the DeLorean. "Never seen anything like it."

"Yeah, it's outta this world," I say as I stand up. The horse didn't seem to mind how tall I was or how I looked, which was a good thng I guess.

"How does it move? I don't see a place for reins or harnesses to be attached," the horse asked, looking at both the front and back of the DeLorean.

"It doesn't run on horsepower. It uses petrol, I think..." I answer vaguely.

"What's 'petrol'?" Okay, so this place doesn't have cars. This might be a problem.

"I have no idea." The secondary school I went to was rubbish, so sue me. The horse chuckled at my answer.

"Uh, where is everyone? A town like this should have several hundred inhabitants at least," I ask, looking around at the quiet and seemingly deserted town.

"Oh, they're hiding somewhere cos there's some monster wandering around in a metal wagon. Apparently, it smashed a barn wall over at Sweet Apple Acres and now it's wandering through town looking for ponies to eat." Woo hoo, I'm a monster that everyone fears, but no sweat. I can handle this. it could be some other Human with a DeLorean. And besides, horse meat is disgusting, but not as bad as squid. Ugh.

"Uh, this might sound a little daft, but where am I and what's the date?" I ask. The white horse gives me an odd look... I think. It's hard to tell with those glasses.

"This is the 1000th Year of Princess Celestia's reign, and you're in Ponyville," the horse answered. Wait, didn't that guy that gave me the DeLorean say that it would take me to Ponyville? And then he returned and said that I had to do some stuff that UN troops do. Okay, there's a small chance that this might be real, but I'm still going with the dream idea for now. I mean, talking horses? Why not talking dogs, or Klingons, or-

"Vinyl!" Another horse came sprinting (galloping?) around a corner of a house and stopped right next to the white one. This new arrival was unusual, to say the least. It had a light grey coat and a dark grey mane and tail, with some sort of musical note tattoo on it's rear, but the most odd detail was the weird collar and pink bow around it's neck.

"Vinyl, what are you doing out here?! The beast might come and-!" The grey pony's stream of words stopped abruptly when it finally noticed me and the DeLorean right in front of it. It's pupils shrunk to the size of a pea as it stared at me in fear.

"I come in peace," I say as I raise my hands in the universal 'don't shoot!' gesture above my head. "My name is Declan."

"Cool name. I'm Vinyl Scratch, and this is my roommate Octavia," Vinyl said as she (I guess I should start calling them by their gender, IF they have similar genders to Humans) raised a hoof and pointed it at the grey horse, now known as Octavia.

Octavia just stared at me with fear, confusion and some other emotion that I couldn't be arsed to identify. If all of this was real, then I'd be in a state of mental shock freaking out inside my own noggin, but this was all a dream, so freaking out would be pointless. Apparently, it wasn't pointless to Octavia.


After the white horse had managed to calm her (I think they're female) grey counterpart down, I explained to them about who I was, where I had come from, and how I got here.

"Heavy dude," Vinyl said after I had finished at the part where I met her. I couldn't help but grin at Vinyl's response.

"I know, and now I need a place to stow the damn thing before someone finds it and takes a road trip to California or something. Know of any convenient hiding places?" I ask the two ponies (they had told me that they called themselves ponies here in this wonderful, colorful land.)

"Nothing springs to mind," Vinyl replied as she entered a moment of deep thought, which I would later on discover that it would be a rare occurrence.

"Uh, if I may...?" Octavia began timidly. Poor horse- I mean pony, she reacted in a way a Human would if they came face to face with talking ponies, and she also had a hard time taking in my explanation. Vinyl just seemed too relaxed and chilled not to be confused by it. I nodded to let her continue. "I know of a place you can stow the, ah..."

"DeLorean."

"Yes, that. There's an old shack near the Everfree Forest. Nopony goes that way, and it will be safe there as none of the beasts of the forest live near it. It's the perfect place," Octavia offered. Vinyl turned to give her friend slightly surprised look, and again it was hard to tell due to those glasses. I want a pair of those badass specks...

"Wow Octy, I didn't know that your 'calming walks' went by the Everfree Forest, but good suggestion!" Vinyl responded with praise. Octavia nodded and... wait, was there a hint of a blush on the grey pony's muzzle?

"Well we'd better get moving before someone does take it and crash a EU conference," I say as I get up, being careful about the low ceiling, and made my way to the door. As soon as I open it, that pink thing from before drags me outside and into back-breaking hug.

"Oh there you are, Decky! I was looking all over Ponyville for you so I can bring you to your special 'welcome to Equestria' party! And I know that you'll love it because it has cakes and muffins and balloons and cupcakes and confetti and punch and..." the pink pony continued to ramble. I turn my head to face Vinyl and Octavia in the doorway to their home and say "help me" silently.

"Don't worry, me and Octy will sort out the DeLauren," Vinyl said reassuringly as the pink one dragged me away to it's torture chamber.

"It's 'DeLorean'!" I correct the white Unicorn (yes, they told me about the different pony types as well.)

The pink pony-horse-monster thing had dragged me to a house that looked like it was made out of sweets, chocolate and other sugary treats. In short, it looked like a gingerbread house. The pony dragged me inside the house, which was dark and had the curtains or blinds closed, then closed the door, plunging the room into complete darkness.

"Hey! Somebody turn on the damn light, I can't see a thing!" I exclaim as I wandered blindly into the centre of the room. Then the lights turn on and I get the biggest shock of my entire life.

"SURPRISE!" About a hundred or so ponies jumped up from every nook and cranny in the room, and my response was to naturally scream like a girl and run for the door.

"The party's not outside, silly!" the pink pony said as she pulled me away from the door by grabbing my shirt in her mouth. I was pulled back into the centre of the room, where the ponies were staring at me with mixtures of fear, surprise, caution and even one of them was looking at me with awe. It was obvious that the ponies here were expecting someone a little... shorter. Maybe walking on all fours?

I look around the silent room. There were the multi-coloured ponies all over the place, as well as tables lined with enough sugary treats and cakes to turn half of the ponies in attendance into diabetics. Balloons and streamers were everywhere, and a large banner at the back with the words 'Welcome to Equestria Declan' printed in different colours.

"Do you like it, Decky? Doyadoyadoya?" the pink one asked as it bounced in front of me, grinning like an idiot.

"It's, um... very nice," I reply as I feel the gazes of the ponies start to burn holes through my body. I'm just glad they don't have lasers shooting out of their eyes otherwise I'd be Swiss cheese right now. The pink pony (I think her name was something beginning with P...) seemed satisfied with my answer and bounced over to a gramophone.

"Let's get this party started!" Pinkie (I'm going to call her that until I catch her name) shouted out before she started the gramophone. Almost immediately, the ponies start to relax and begin the party.

"Wait, what?" I say surprised as I do a double take at the old record player, but before I could investigate, Pinkie came over and started to push me towards a table with enough cupcakes to feed a military platoon.

"Try these, Decky! I made them with my new super-duper secret recipe!" Pinkie explains as she plucks a cupcake from the table with a hoof and shoves it in my mouth just as I was about to say something.

As soon as it breaches my lips and collides with my tongue, my mouth explodes in a nuclear explosion of taste. No description can compare to what I had just tasted, which just have to be the best damn cupcakes I've ever had.

It's also the only cupcake I've ever had. So far.

"Do you like it?" I glance down at the pink one to see her looking up at me with large, round eyes.

"It's very nice..." I answer with half a cupcake in my mouth. Honestly, I want another one so bad I might just commit murder.

"Oh goody! I didn't know if I put enough sugar in, but 20 KG seems to do the trick!" Pinkie exclaims with joy before bouncing off. I start to choke on my cupcake. If I had another one, I'd probably become a type 2 diabetic.

After managing to swallow the cupcake and moving away from the rest. I head over to the punch bowl on the other end of the room, where one of the ponies with wings (Pegasus, right?) was hovering in the air. I couldn't help but stare as it floated several feet off the ground, it's wings flapping to keep it airborne.

"So you're the new guy in town?" the Pegasus asked. It looked female, but the voice was very tomboyish. It was cyan blue and it's mane and tail were in the colours of the rainbow.

"Yeah, who wants to know?" I ask, giving the Pegasus a suspicious look. Normally, people don't go asking me anything unless it involves things, and things usually lead to money and trouble, and not always in that order.

"The name's Rainbow Dash, fastest flyer in all of Equestria!" She said as she struck what would appear to be a dramatic pose, but it's effect slid off my deadpanned face. Seriously? You're name's Rainbow? I'd never have guessed that in a billion years...

"That's great, so what do you want?" I ask as I grab a cup and reach for the ladle in the punch bowl.

"I wanted to as- "

"AUGH! It's got me! Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!" I scream as something had lunged out of the punch bowl and clamped itself onto my left arm.

"Oh there you are, Gummy! I've been looking all over for you!" Pinkie said as she suddenly appeared out of thin air and removed 'Gummy' from my arm. It turned out that Gummy was a toothless alligator, that happened to be the pink one's pet. It clamped itself onto Pinkie's tail and the pony bounced back into the party.

I had suddenly gone off the idea of having some punch. Muttering a "I'll talk to you later" to Rainbow, I walked away, cautious about everything. The food was lethal, the punch has animals in it, what else could go wrong?

I regret thinking that as another white Unicorn came up to me, but this one had make up on and it's purple mane and tail were coiled in a style that suggested that this pony was civilized.

"Oh my! What in Equestria are you wearing?" the walking marshmallow asked me as she looked around and all over my clothes.

"Uh, clothes?" I reply sarcastically. The pony rolled it's eyes.

"Your outfit is absolutely horrid! The shirt and trousers don't match, the shoes are clashing with your personality, and those pair of glasses are simply vulgar! Hmm, but I can see some practical use... maybe... aha! Idea~! I have just the outfit for you! Please follow me," the pony said as it had examined and made a statement about my dress sense, followed by walking towards the door and beckoning to me to follow her.

...I think she just insulted my glasses... my precious glasses...

Nobody insults my glasses...

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