• Published 12th Jul 2012
  • 7,077 Views, 487 Comments

Stuck In Equestria - VaporingRat

A human travels to Equestria in a DeLorean and causes all sorts of mischief.

  • ...

Sensible Explanations

I just stare at the two horses, who stare back. The one holding the lamp was big and red and... big. I'd guess the red one was around five feet tall with an orange mane. The other was orange and around a foot shorter, the most noteworthy feature of the smaller one was that it looked somewhat female with blonde hair. What made both of them stand out was the cartoonish design of them, like they belonged in a cartoon.

I don't know how long we stared for, but it had to end. They had freakishly big eyes that seemed to stare into my soul... GAH! STOP LOOKING AT ME!

I started to inch slowly back to the DeLorean, keeping eye contact with the strange horse mutants. That's the most sensible thing I could come up with? Horse mutants? Man am I in trouble...

I slowly raise my arm (forget which side) to touch the raised door of the DeLorean, and start to climb back inside, just able to keep eye contact. Then in one swift motion, I ducked inside the car and lowered the door shut. I started the car and shifted into reverse before reversing out of the barn. I could hear a cry or a yell, but I didn't care as I turned the vehicle around and drove off into the forest.

I didn't stop until I had cleared the trees and had reached the top of a hill. I turned the engine off and got out of the car to get a good look around.

It was night wherever I was, with the stars out shining brightly, and the moon even brighter and bigger than it should be. I did a double take at the moon, as I spotted something unnatural on it's surface. It was a head of some kind, or a face, with a horn or sharp object pointed out from the forehead. Now I ain't an astrologist, but I know for a fact that the moon DOES NOT look like that.

Something was wrong, very wrong. I pull my iPhone out of my trouser pocket and check the signal coverage, only to fing that I had no wireless, no 3G, and no 3 network coverage. Where the hell am I?

I turn slowly to face the DeLorean. Whatever that thing did, it stranded me in this place. There must be a logical reason for this. I must still be on Earth, but why can't I get signal coverage?

Then it made sense to me. I was in Russia, an irradiated part of Russia. Thus explaining the horse mutants and lack of signal coverage. The horses must've mutated over time, and the radiation is blocking all siganls, like in an x-ray theatre you can't get a signal.

But if I'm in Russia, then how on Earth did a DeLorean transport me halfway across Europe? This seems like something out of a poorly written story...

I head back into the DeLorean and decide to wait out the night by checking on the supply situation. I pull out my phone and open the notes app.

This is the list of inventory with me:

1XiPhone 4 (91% battery remaining)
2XPlastic carrier bags
1X4 pints of milk
1XCheese and onion quiche
1x250G baby new potatoes
1XCadburys dairy milk chocolate bar, the big one that weighs 500g
1XTescos own wholemeal loaf (I hate wholemeal...)
1XCan of Sprite
House keys
Some pocket lint
Wallet with National Insurance card, debit card and the freedom pass bus pass (Partially sighted, duh)
£12.64 in notes and coins, and...
A snotty three-day-old tissue. Brilliant. I picked the wrong day to empty out my coat pockets before I leave the house.

I sigh as I stare out of the windscreen out at the night sky, content with my theory of me stuck somewhere in Russia. I take my arms out of my coat's sleeves and used it as an extra cushion against the seat, before lying back and looking up at the stars, soaking in all of their mystery and beauty.

"If you're in Russia, then why is the moon so big and different?" someone asked from bend me. Naturally, I shitted myself.

"What the fuck?!" I cry as I turn in surprise to see the guy who gave me the DeLorean sitting next to me, holding the shopping that was on the previously unoccupied seat a moment ago.

"Congratulations on causing such a ruckus back on Earth. I thought that you would've just abandoned the DeLorean there and leave it for the police to find, but you proved me wrong. Kudos on passing the test," the guy said as he smiled at me. I stare stupidly at him, half temped to run away from the car and hang myself from a tree, half tempted to strangle the guy right now.

"Now listen closely, because what I'm going to tell you is very important. You are here because of a mission. I want you to keep the peace here, and make friends. Live the dream world that I wanted Humanity to live, until they proved themselves incapable of handling the power of Eden. And before you say anything, I am God, the Holy Father, the Almighty, blah blah blah..." I continue to stare stupidly at God as he explains some shit that my ears barely register. "So that's it. I'll let you figure the rest out on your own. And to help you, I'll grant you one question. Ask me about anything, anything you want."

To this date, I am the only Human to ever exist to have said the most stupid question when faced with the opportunity to discover the meaning of life, or discover the reason God exists, or learn about the future of the Human race.

"If you're God, then why do you look like Cristopher Eccleston?" I ask.

God just chuckled and slowly faded away, leaving the shopping behind on the passenger seat. I sit there in silence, trying to process what God had told me.

"What the fuck just happened?"

The sun rose slowly over the lush, green land of wherever I am. I long abandoned my theory of being stranded in an radioactive wasteland way back into the night. After a pleasant snooze, I was ready to face the day and find a town or something. Luckily, I spotted a town on the other side of the forest I had drove through the night before, which turned out to be an orchard of apple trees. I hate apple trees...

I pick up my glasses from the dashboard and put them on, before grabbing my baseball cap, or my precious hat, and putting it on my head, and then I started the car.

I decided to take the long route around the orchard towards the town. Maybe there I can find out where I am and what to do. I started the DeLorean and drove off down the hill, near the edge of the orchard. It took several hours to get to the edge of town, but I had arrived. It was around midday, yet there was no one out and about in the streets.

For some reason, I got a weird prickling sensation in the back of my neck, and the other times I've had this was when I was playing through Ravenholm on Half-Life 2. Man, that was a scary part of the game.

I got out and looked around the town, leaving my coat in the car. Everywhere I looked, it was as silent as the grave. I would be lying right now if I said that i wasn't scared. What really bugged me was that everything looked like it was well cared for, there were still fresh fruit on several market stalls and the smell of baked goods lingered in the air. Something must've happened recently to cause an entire town to pack up shop and run for the high heavens, and that something must still be around here, waiting, quietly sneaking up on me, ready to jump me and end my life...

"Hi!" I turned around and came face to face with a pink blob which had just greeted me, and let's just say that I was now scared shit-less. I screamed and jumped several feet in the air in surprise and shock, before backing away from the pink... horse?

I stared at it in complete shock, scared stiff while it stared back with a large grin plastered on it's... face? Muzzle?

"My name's Pinkie Pie, but all my friends call me Pinkie, so you can call me Pinkie because you're my new friend because I haven't seen you before and I know everypony in Ponyville! But you don't look like a pony, *gasp* I've got to throw you a 'welcome to Ponyville' party, and it will be super-duper special because you're new here! Oh, maybe a 'welcome to Equestria' party because I've never seen anypony like you before..." my ears, my beautiful ears... MAKE IT STOP! Please just shut up! I'll do anything!

"...Oh! How silly of me that I don't know your name, as it would be silly indeed if we had a 'welcome to Ponyville' banner and we didn't have your name on it because I didn't ask for your name and-!" I stopped the pink horse-thing's onslaught of words by clamping it's muzzle shut with my right hand.

"My name is Declan, and I'm not from this Equestion place," I say as I glare at the pony, who simply grinned excitedly back with wide eyes and a large smile.

"*GASP!* You're not from Equestria? Well that means that I have to throw you a 'welcome to Equestria' party Decky! And we cam have your name on the 'welcome to Equestria' banner because you told me your name just then and we'll be the best of friends!" The pink horse's barrage of babbling came to an abrupt end when it let out a huge gasp that made it defy physics and float in the air, before dashing off. I remained rooted to the spot, with my brain turned to ice cream that was left outside during a Nevada summer's day and a sudden urge to relieve myself.

Okay, keep calm, deep breaths, don't panic... PANIC! No! Calm, think happy thoughts, think of Minecraft, think of food, think of cute little puppies. Good, so I've just met a pink horse, that can talk, A LOT. There is only one logical explanation: I'm dreaming. None of this is real, just a figment of my imagination. I'm lying in my bed back home, snoozing away, and when I wake up later, it will be Thursday.

Now confident that I am actually dreaming and that all of this is a weird dream, I head back to the DeLorean.

I get inside and close the door, but now I have no idea what to do. Do I stay and wait for that pink horse to return? Or do I leave and try to wake myself up? I don't know, but I really need to pee, and I don't want to ask someone if I can use their toilet or go in the street, so back to the hill for me. I start the DeLorean and turn around, until I'm facing the road to the apple orchard. I press down on the pedal and...

...travel several meters before I run out of fuel.

"Fuuuuu-!" I yell and bang my head on the wheel repeatedly, causing the airbag to make another appearance.

I get out, and head to a house in this town at random, hoping that someone there could point me in the direction of the nearest Texaco. I walk up to the front door and test the lock. Luckily for me, it's unlocked. Unluckily though, the door is designed for people around five foot eight inches, and me being around six foot one, I have to crouch. Brilliant.

I open the door and enter, ducking under the low door frame. The room was dark, and the ceiling height was around an inch or two higher than the door. Who designed a town built for children and midget people?

"Hello? Is anybody home?" I call to see if anyone was home, but the house was eerily silent. Too silent. "I only want some petrol. Is there a gas station nearby? Hello?

I open a door on the right side of the house and discovered a kitchen, but no sign of life. After checking over the empty house, I left. Maybe I should take another look around the town? There has to be a gas station around here, and I really need to go do a piss. And why aren't there any cars here?

Screw it, I can't hold it in anymore. I went back to that house I checked and dashed straight for the bathroom. I opened the door and quickly shut it again. I was about to do what you usually do on the can, but stopped when I saw the toilet. This pretty much sums up my reaction:

After spending the better part of twenty minutes trying to figure out how to use an obviously imported toilet from Germany, I left the house feeling much better. Although the owners won't be when they find out that I broke their toilet...

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