• Published 12th Jul 2012
  • 8,318 Views, 487 Comments

Stuck In Equestria - VaporingRat



A human travels to Equestria in a DeLorean and causes all sorts of mischief.

  • ...
42
 487
 8,318

Prelude To Harmony

The oh-so-incredibly shy Pegasus pony was cowering before me, thanks to the pink one taking me on a unwanted tour around town saying 'hi', 'howdy' and 'hallelujah' to every Tom, Dick and Jerry she meets so she can introduce me to the local populace.

And I'm missing lunch.

I stand there, not really sure what to say to the timid pony. Said timid pony is currently hiding half of her face behind her flowing pink mane, looking slightly scared.

"Uhh, hi shy pony. Uhhh, I'm sorry for scaring you last time we met. It was mean of me and I shouldn't have disturbed you like that," I attempt to apologise to the shy pony. Damn, she just so darn cute, her cuteness could give me diabetes.

The Pegasus didn't respond. Instead, she just seemed to shrink further away.

"It's just that I saw you with those ducks and, well... ducks. Who doesn't like the furry little dickens?" I continue as images of ducks fill my mind.

"Y-you like ducks?" The shy pony asked- FLUTTERSHY. That's her name! Geez, how could I forget that?!

"Not just ducks, I also like cats, dogs, chickens, birds, fish, goats... all sorts of animals," I say as I list the animals that spring to mind. Also, Fluttershy seemed to perk up a little more with each mention of an animal.

"Oh! I-I like animals too. I take care of a lot of animals at my cottage," Fluttershy responded as she seemed to lose some of her shyness and flicked her mane away to reveal the rest of her face.

"Cool, maybe I'll come over one day and you can show me them." Progress with the shy pony! And it only cost me my lunch! What fun!

"That would be nice..." Fluttershy said as she hid part of her face behind her mane, this time with a slight blush. Waitaminute... ponies, blushing?! HOW?!? They have coats! How can you see them blushing through their coats?!

"Yay! Decky made a new friend!" Pinkie said happily as she bounced around the two of us. Damn, I had completely forgotten about the pink one...

"Oh look! There's the mayor! We should go say hi!" Pinkie said as she pointed at a pony with a cream-ish coat with a grey mane and tail, and she was wearing... glasses? She also had the look of a politician about her. I hate politicians...

"Here I go again," I comment just before Pinkie grabs my arm and yanks me away from Fluttershy. She dragged me right through town straight to a building that looked like a giant merry-go-round, but had a town hall-esque feel about it.

"Hi Mayor Mare! This is Decky!" ... Mayor Mare? REALLY?! Dude, I just, I give up. These ponies are impossible to understand.

"Oh, uh... hello. I'm Mayor Mare, the mare of Ponyville," Mayor Mare said in greeting, despite the fact that she was caught off guard by me and Pinkie arriving in front of her, and that she was intimidated by my height.

"Nice to meet you, Mayor," I greeted back.

"Oh, umm... that's nice to know. Are you enjoying your stay here?" The mayor asks.

To be honest, my stay has been a flurry of weirdness and the downright impossible, and I wanted to leave this place as soon as possible, but I can't say anything mean to the mayor. I could leave a bad impression, and I might be stuck here for a while.

"Yeah, I have. It's been... eventful," I say cautiously. I have a habit of saying something without thinking it through properly. Which usually gets me into huge amounts of trouble.

"I'm glad to hear it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to make a very important announcement, and after that we'll have more time to talk," Mayor Mare said with a small smile, before walking up to a podium, which I had completely missed.

Where'd that come from?

"Oooh~! The mayor's going to make a very important announcement! I wonder what it is..." Pinkie said as she ponders on what it could be about. I just stand there, slightly out of the way. This better not involve me.

Just as the mayor reaches the podium, which I noticed had a microphone, a bell rang from somewhere in the building that was apparently town hall. Ponies from across town came as one to the front of the podium, looking up at the mayor expectantly and murmuring about what was happening. I slowly slid behind a pillar so that none of the ponies could see me, but I had a clear view of the crowd and the mayor. Once all the ponies had arrived, and I spotted a few that I have met already, the mayor began to talk.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," ... no comment. "I have good news and bad news." Plain and simple. Very smooth."Bad news is that Manehatten will not be holding this year's Summer Sun Celebration." Hold the phone! Did that pony just say Manhattan?!

The crowd groaned and sighed in disappointment, as some of them shared dejected or worried whispers.

"The good news is... that Ponyville has been chosen to host the Summer Sun celebration instead!" The mayor said happily, and the crowd quite literally exploded. It turns out that ponies applaud by stomping their hooves on the ground, and right now, I was tempted to go hide in a doorway as the whole building trembled from the massive applause.

"We have three days to prepare for the Summer Sun Celebration, so I expect everypony to help out to make this the best Summer Sun Celebration ever!" The mayor's words inspired the crowd to cheer and applaud again.

The Pegasus' (Pegasi?) were swooping through the air with joy, the Unicorns were sending sparks flying through the air from their horns, and the normal ponies were stomping the ground like there were a thousand bugs that they were trying to squash.

Right now, I had decided to go with the hide in a doorway plan as the tremor caused by the applauding ponies kicked it up a few on the Richter Scale.

Soon, the crowd was starting to disperse. I spotted Pinkie dashing away with a frightenly huge grin on her face, which scared me a little. I feel sorry for anyone who lives with her. The mayor left the podium and walked towards the doorway which I was in.

"Ah, thank you for holding the door open," the mayor said as she walked through, not noticing my distress. I was shaken by the thunderous applause in which I did momentarily panic, and feared that the whole structure was going to fall on me. I tentatively followed the mayor of Ponyville into the town hall.

Only... it didn't look much like a town hall... it looked more like a conference room. A really big one. With balconies. Did I mention big?

I continued to follow the mayor through to the back of the conference room thingy and to a door which had a gold plaque with the words 'Mayor's Office' engraved onto them. The mayor opened the door, and invited me in.

Have you ever seen a tv show where a person of high authority has their office as something like a storeroom or a janitor's closet? Well, the mayor's office was like that: small, cramped and not much room to manoeuvre. It consisted of a small chair behind an oak wood desk with paper, ink wells and quills scattered all over it. On the other side of the desk was a chair for visitors to sit in, and beside that, there was a filing cabinet. The desk was shoved all the way to the right side wall, allowing a small space for a pony to squeeze through on the left.

Mayor Mare managed to get behind the desk and sit in her chair behind it. I had to duck to get in, and sitting down on the chair was impossible. There was no leg space for me, since I am freakishly tall. Not to mention, the chair was designed for a pony, so it was low down and small.

"Oh... I apologise for the small space..." the mayor said apologetically as she noticed my discomfort.

"It's alright, I've had worse," I say as I manage to squat in front of the desk, not actually sitting on the chair, but not technically standing on it either. "You said that you wanted to talk after the announcement?"

"Yes, about that..." Mayor Mare suddenly looked a little sheepish... "I wish to apologise for our town's behaviour to you when you first arrived. The residents don't take change well..." Mayor Mare explained to me.

"It's alright, no one got hurt, there was a party, it's all cool. Besides, everyone tends to avoid me anyway, due to the fact that I'm wierd and paranoid, but don't believe them," I explain to the mayor. She nods, a little nervously, before plowing on.

"Yes, well... we all thought that you were some hideous monster from the Everfree Forest, and some were even terrified that you would eat us and..." is there a point to this?

".. So I had to send a letter to the Princess for help on the matter." There we go- waitaminute, Princess?

"... I don't follow you. You all thought I was a ravenous monster coming to eat you all and you send a letter to a princess for aid?" I ask. Seriously, I am confused. What Princess? Why send a letter? Emails are faster.

"Well, read this," the mayor said as she pushed forward a piece of paper on her desk towards me, which turned out to be a letter...

I pick it up and read.

Dear Mayor Mare,

Thank you for informing me of this matter. However, I can assure you that the 'monster' means you no harm. He is not from the Everfree, but instead from a faraway land where their customs are vastly different to ours. He may seem a little out of place, but I assure you, he can do no wrong. I recommend that you and the ponies of Ponyville help him learn our customs during his stay here. I also grant him the right to inhabit your local library during his stay in Equestria, so that he may learn about our history from the many books there. Please, welcome him with open hearts as a friend.

Sincerely, Princess Celestia

P.S. I have decided to have the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville instead.

P.P.S. Do not show him this letter.

"Uh, oookkkkaaaayyy... why are you showing me this?" I ask. If I'm not supposed to read it, then why am I reading it?

"Look on the back," the mayor said, so I flipped the letter over to see what's on the other side. On it are faint marks that could form words if one squinted. Since being partially sighted, it was harder for me to see, but I managed to make out the words 'show', 'letter', 'him', and 'please'.

"Okay, that's odd," I say as I hand back the paper to the mayor. "So... am I supposed to use that old abandoned library?"

"The one built into a tree? Yes, you are, and it isn't abandoned," Mayor Mare confirms for me. Hang on, someone lives there?

"Really? When I was there, there was no one inside, and the place looked like it wasn't cared for in a long time."

"I'll explain on the way. I need to go tell her that she has to move out anyway," the mayor said as she tried to get through the small gap to the door. I used my common sense for once and exited the room back into the conference room.


So, as it turns out, an old pony going by the name of Paper Cut currently owns, works and lives in that library, and she's been working there for a very long time. Ever since it was built, according to the mayor. Strangest thing about it, was the fact that the old mare has not left the library in over ten years. She hasn't even been seen in over five. I have serious doubts that she's still alive after all this time.

The mayor and I quickly arrive outside the library, staring at it from a long distance away. The dead leaves floating away from the dead branches. The whole thing seemed a lot more unnerving the second time round. Mayor Mare slowly canters up to the door and knocks with a forehoof.

No response.

"Paper Cut? Are you in there?" No response.

The mayor slowly opens the door inside, and we both peer in. The interior was still dark, the books still dusty, the shelves seemed to have started collecting fungi, and there was a suspicious black stain on the floor at the bottom of the stairs going up to the first floor. We went inside.

The mayor carefully trotted into the kitchen while I wandered around the wall of the library proper. We called out her name again, but still no response.

The wall led me straight to the bottom of the stairs and the suspicious stain. As I approached it, I crouched down to get a better look at it, only to be disappointed. It wasn't a stain, it was just a patch of black moss.

"There doesn't seem to be anypony here..." Mayor Mare says as she trotted out of the kitchen and over to me.

"We'll check upstairs though, just in case," I reply as I gingerly step over the moss and climb the stairs. The mayor followed behind me as I approached the door and crouched in order for me to be able to look through it properly. I reached out for the door handle and grasped it. Slowly and carefully, I opened the door.

The room on the other side was split into two levels. the lower level had more books and some personal belongings strewn about, with bookshelves lined up against the wall. The upper level only had a bed, nothing else. Judging by the dust in the room, no one had lived here for quite some time.

"I thought you said that someone used to live here..." I say to the mayor as I give the room a wary look.

"I did... oh! There's a note!" The mayor said as she pointed to a note stuck to one of the bookshelves. I walk over and pluck it from it's resting place, and began to read it. I had to squint though, due to the curtains being drawn across the room, making the room pretty dark.

To anypony who finds this, I have left Ponyville. I cannot stay here and work in a library that nopony visits anymore. My job is essentially useless. I have left for Canterlot in hopes of finding a better job, one that ponies would appreciate.

-Paper Cut

"Well, that explains a lot," I say as I put the note down on the ground. "So, if that Paper Cut pony has left... does that mean that I can take over now?"

"Yes, it does. I'll need to fill in some paperwork, but you can start living here right now," the mayor said as she headed downstairs and to the door, making sure to jump over the black moss.

"Cool! Though, I might need to do a little bit of cleaning first," I reply, more to myself than the mayor. I glance around the bottom floor of the library, and I can't help but feel like that I'm being watched, and it's coming from that black moss...

"Oh! I don't even know your name!" The Mayor cries out in realisation as she turns to face me.

"I'm Declan," I say as I jump the moss at the bottom of the stairs after making my own way down.

"It has been a pleasure to meet you Declan, and welcome to Ponyville," Mayor Mare replied as she left the dilapidated library. I gaze around it, taking it all in. I actually have a proper place to stay, my very own house. granted, it looks like a maid's nightmare, but nothing's perfect.

The black moss behind me sneezed.


After vacating the library in a calm and ordinary fashion, I was reminded by my stomach that I haven't had lunch yet, or afternoon tea, and it would soon be time for dinner. So I wandered around town, asking ponies for directions until I came back at a familiar house.

"Knock knock!" I say rather loudly at the door as I stand in front of it. I could hear a muffled voice asking something from inside, so I knocked again.

"Knock knock!"

Inside, I could hear someone say "I think somepony's knocking at the door..."

"Knock knock!"

The door swung open to reveal a familiar white Unicorn with purple shades and an electric blue and some-other-type-of-blue mane and tail.

"Oh, hey Declan!" Vinyl greeted me as a grin appeared on her face. "Enjoyed your tour of Ponyville?"

"No, not really. I missed lunch, but I did get a free house out of it," I reply.

"Cool. Wanna grab some grub here?"

"Sounds like fun." Vinyl backs away from the door, allowing me to enter the house. I immediately spot Octavia sitting at the kitchen table reading a sheet of paper, and give her a friendly wave, which she notices and returns.

"Also, I was wondering if I could stay here for the night. The place the mayor let me use isn't very sanitary..." I began as I rub the back of my neck, my thought wandering back to the ruined library.

"No probs bro, you can have my bed again," Vinyl nodded to me. I'm starting to think this might be a bad idea... "Hey Tavi! Dec's gonna stay with us again!"

Octavia nodded before returning to the paper, concentration filling her face.
"What's she doing?" I ask the DJ pony.

"Stuff for her assemble."

"It's called an 'ensemble'," Octavia corrected, her eyes never leaving the paper.

"What's an ensemble?" I ask Vinyl as a whisper.

"No idea," was the hushed reply.


I spent the rest of the day at the house Vinyl and Octavia shared. The dinner consisted of some salad, which was very nice and delicious, not like the salad on Earth. We then talked about what the two ponies did for a living. It turns out that both of them are musicians, Vinyl working at night clubs as a disc jockey, and Octavia plays the cello in the Canterlot Ensemble.

Not much else happened after that. Vinyl went upstairs to work on a 'project', and Octavia was doing ensemble stuff. I suddenly became aware of how tiring today had been, and decided that bed was the best option.

I climbed the stairs and approached Vinyl's room, and noted that the door was slightly ajar. I push it open and step inside, to see Vinyl poking around with some giant speaker. Literally, a huge speaker, easily five feet tall.

"Woah, that's the biggest speaker I've ever seen!" I say as I approach Vinyl, who was standing in front of it with her horn glowing.

"The biggest in Ponyville, and soon to be the biggest in Equestria!" Vinyl claimed as she hugged the eardrum-obliterating machine.

"Why soon to be?" I ask. How can this get any bigger? And where is the bigger one hiding?

"’Cause I plan on breaking the world record for the largest speaker, the loudest concert, and the biggest concert!"

"That thing is going to break three world records? Waitaminute, this place has world records?!" Really?

"Of course! Don'tcha have world records where you come from?" Vinyl asked as she stopped hugging the giant speaker and faced me.

"We do, but they tend to be wackier than this sort of thing," I reply. Geez, how can someone hold a world record for having pins stuck to them? "Is it okay that I get some sleep now? I'm tired after today."

"Sure, there's nothing else to do, so I'll turn in too," Vinyl said, using her TK abilities to push the speaker back against the wall. I glance at the bed at the other end of the room, and a thought strikes me like a football to the face. Which hurts, trust me.

"Ah."

"What?"

"I don't have any pyjamas..." I state as I stare from the bed to my body, then the bed again.

"What are those?" Vinyl asks as she follows my gaze.

"You don't have pyjamas?" I ask incredulously, to which Vinyl shakes her head. But of course! They're ponies! They walk around stark naked all the time.

"So... I'll guess I'll sleep with my clothes on," I sigh in resignation as I step towards the bed.

"You're going to sleep with your clothes on?" This time, it was Vinyl's turn to be incredulous. And, to be fair, I have to wear these tomorrow, which means...

"Goddammit..." I curse under my breath, so that Vinyl couldn't hear me. I was about to get undressed, when I realised that there was someone else in the room. "Uh, could you leave please? I need privacy," I ask.

"Why? Have you got some horrible scar under that shirt?"

"No, it's just..." AUGH! How am I supposed to explain this to a pony! A girl pony! GEEZ! "... That Humans need privacy when getting undressed, especially in front of other peo- ponies." Good save Declan, you're learning well.

"... Is it because that you have your reproductive organs on your chest?" Vinyl asks me.

"WHAT?! NO! Why would you say something like that?!" I half retort, half yell at Vinyl, who starts to smile.

"Well, they have to be somewhere, right?" She says as she eyes my chest.

"GEEZ. Can you at least turn around then?" I sigh. Vinyl nods in response and looks the other way. I immediately shed off my shirt, trousers, shoes and socks and dive straight into the small bed, covering myself with the duvet. "Done."

"That was fast," Vinyl noted as she turned back round to look at me. I get stuff done fast when I'm under pressure.

"Night then," I say to Vinyl, expecting her to leave the room, but she stayed. In fact, she started walking towards the bed. "Uhh, where are you sleeping again?" I ask slowly, wary of the answer.

"The bed," the answer I was dreading.

"Aw hell no! I ain't sharing a bed with a pony!" Especially if I don't have my jammies!

"Chillax man! We can do that head to hoof thing. It'd be fun!" ... Since I haven't changed my socks in days, the smell might kill the pony.

"Yeeeaaahhh, no."

"Pwease?" Vinyl pleaded as she removed her purple glasses off from her face and gave me the puppy dog look, which looks far too adorable on ponies.

"... Fine." So I caved in, but I couldn't help it! Those eyes... those damn adorable eyes!

So now I had just reached an all-time low... go me.


I was back in the constant blackness that was my stupid mind when I go to sleep. I glance around cautiously, expecting to see an evil-looking black horse lady thing come charging at me, ready to eat my soul. But, to my surprise, all I saw was a dentist's chair. The sort you sit in when you have a check up.

"Gee, my legs feel tired, I might as well go sit in that chair," I thought aloud as I slowly and stiffly walked to the chair. Waitaminute, I'm not walking, someone else is making me walk! Panic sets in as I fight, and lose the battle for control over my subconscious body. I approach the chair, and slowly sit down in it. As soon as I have gotten slightly comfortable, control of my body comes back to me, but at the same time several wisps of purple smoke coil round and trap my wrists to the chair's arms.

"Well well well, looks like someone forgot to brush today..." a sinister voice echoed throughout the black expanse.

"M-M-Ms. Fidget?!" My old dentist, when I used to live in London. "I-I-I brushed, I swear!"

The source of the voice suddenly appeared right in front of the chair, and I cringed, waiting for the pliers to come and remove my teeth. Luckily, it turned out to be the black horse lady, but instead of her armour, she was wearing what can only be described as a dentist's version of a dentist's outfit. Gloves on her hooves, hairnet on her mane, medical apron and shirt on her torso and a surgical mask over her muzzle.

"Oh thank God! For a minute there, I thought you were my worst nightmare..." I let out a heavy sigh of relief.

"But I AM your worst nightmare!" Nightmare exclaimed as she came closer. I noticed that there was a trolley full of dentist tools right next to the chair. "But today, I am your dentist! Mwahahahahahaha!" Nightmare cackled as she reared up onto her hind legs as lightning flashed and thunder boomed all around us.

"You monster!" I cry out in horror as she enveloped two of the tools, the mirror, and the other, a metal hook-thing, with her TK and levitated them to my mouth.

"Now open wide, so we can begin," Nightmare said with a wicked glint to her draconic eyes.

I found my mouth being forced open by her TK as she put her hooves on the chair's arms, and my arms as well, so that she could peer inside.
"Do you even bother to brush?" She commented as she stared into my open mouth. I couldn't respond with my mouth being held open, so I said nothing. "Oh dear, this does look bad. For you!"

After she poked around inside my mouth with the tools, in which I was mentally scared like hell, she removed the tools and placed them back on the trolley.

"Do you want to know my prognosis?" She asked me. I could tell that she was loving this. Shame I wasn't. She leaned in close to my ear, using her Telekinesis to remove the surgical mask from her muzzle so I could feel her breath on the side of my head. "Your teeth are in such a bad condition..." she leaned forward even more, so that her fanged teeth were just brushing my ear.

"... I'll have to remove them!"


"SCRRREEEAAAAAAMMMM!" I, well... screamed. I flailed around, falling out of the bed and onto the floor.

"That's the coolest scream ever!" Vinyl cheered from the bed.

"Teeth! Horse! Pain! Wait, what?" I stood back up, or at least as far as I could, staring at Vinyl with confusion.

"You screamed the word 'scream'! It was awesome! I didn't know that you can scream the word 'scream'! I have gotta try that!" Well, I did have a bad dream...

"Oh, and I was right. You do have your reproductive organs on your chest!" I looked down in mild surprise at the spot on my torso that Vinyl was pointing at with a hoof. I look back at the white Unicorn with mild confusion and shock.

"That's my belly button!"