• Published 26th May 2016
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How Spike Kinda Sorta Maybe Married a Changeling - somatic



Spike doesn't understand what went on, either. All he knows is that several thousand bugs call him "daddy" now.

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8: Spike Really Wants to Eat the Castle

Spike took wing again, leaving the groveling crystal ponies to their strange rituals. “Bless us, Emerald One!” they cried as he took off.

Much as he enjoyed the idea of having fans, he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to head a major religion. After all, he’d seen what cults could do when Twilight got herself one; quesadillas were still contraband in several provinces.

He glided around the castle spires, his lazy path taking him under diamond arches and between soaring towers. Spike had grown them, so many centuries ago, tending to the blossoming crystals with gentle gusts of fire and mineral water baths. They were his finest creations, his masterpieces.

And so Spike had no qualms about biting off a little bit of roofing. Hey, that bathroom needed better ventilation anyway.

The castle shuddered as he rested his prodigious claws on a flying buttress, like a crow perching on a wire. Twilight might not be here, but there were some girls he still needed to say hello to.

Carefully, like a master surgeon, he slithered his head through the open door of a balcony, his long neck sliding over the castle carpet and between filigreed statues as it moved with impeccable grace.

“Oops. Sorry, I’ll pay for that. Whoops.”

With peccable grace.

Getting his fat skull to the funeral chamber was no easy feat, but Spike managed. Somewhere behind him, his serpentine spine snaked through several dozen yards of hallways, forcing guards and diplomats to crawl over him just to get to the bathroom. Their hooves felt like tickles.

His dextrous tongue opened the doors into the chamber, and a final push with his neck shoved his oversized head in. After hastily licking up the evidence of the chandelier he’d shattered, he took a moment to look around.

Dappled light fell in through the stained-glass and gemstone windows, scattering in kaleidoscopes over his scales. Each crystal came from Spike’s personal stash, tended to with care in his choicest volcano gardens. Carnelian for Applejack, delicious yellow sunstone for Fluttershy, rose quartz that matched Pinkie’s coat so well Spike could swear the gems were fur, and cyan sapphires for Rainbow, a perfect complement for the spectrum of stones that made up her mane. Last and best was Rarity’s flawless fur, fashioned from the largest diamond Equestria had ever seen.

They looked perfect, as lively as glass and stone could ever be. Why, they looked so good Spike could almost taste them, and when the light struck just right, he could imagine running his tongue along them and dragging them into his mouth, the most delectable jewel feast he’d ever…

No, that would not be a wise decision. Why did Spike have to make his friends look so edible?

The magic behind it all was Twilight’s discovery, and if she wasn’t already a princess, figuring it out would certainly have made her one. Making the windows and letting them move and smile was Spike’s, though. Nopony knew gemstones like him.

Their glass bellies rose and fell in hushed harmony, little cracks and crinkles the only sounds in the chamber—except for the bunny family that was nibbling on carrots under Fluttershy’s window.

“Hi, Archangel.” The leader of the bunnies shot Spike a nasty glance. He’d never been able to get them to like him. “Listen, you think I can have a few minutes with the girls?” Archangel rolled his eyes and led his flock of tufted furballs out of the chamber.

The girls were all sleeping—they did that a lot, nowadays. It was one of the unfortunate realities that came with being dead. Spike focused his firebreath, feeling magic boil up in his gizzard. A helix gout of sparkling smoke shot from his mouth, splitting into five surges and aligning perfectly with the channels cut into the crystal walls. The blaze funneled itself into pipes and turbines, elaborate machinery extracting the magical essence and flooding the room with energy. It was a good thing Archangel had left, or he and his gang would have been flambéed.

It was a marvel of engineering, and one that let Spike bring his friends to life just as well as Twilight could. One by one, they opened their eyes.

“Heya, sugarcube.” Applejack doffed her hat and gave him a quick nod.

“Oh, it’s so nice to see you, Spike.” Fluttershy pushed out her forelegs and raised her rump like a stretching cat, extending her glass limbs and letting out a soft little yawn. “Rarity told us—”

A voice like a thousand helium balloons overrode Fluttershy. “You’re getting hitched! Oh, there’s gonna be a party and a cake and there’ll be dancing and…”

“Sheesh, Pinkie, you’re screaming loud enough to wake the dead.” Rainbow was still half-asleep, curled up on her moonstone cloud, feathers rustling in a nonexistent breeze. Her back arched and popped, the shifting crystals sounding like gunshots. “Ahhh, that’s better.”

Rainbow flipped lazily over to look at Spike. “Heard you got yourself a mare, big guy.” Her face briefly flexed into a frown. “Though she is a bit… different,” she rasped.

Fluttershy shot Dash a look that could melt rock. “Rainbow! I’m sure Chrysalis has changed since we last… er, tried to save Canterlot from her. Why, she’s probably all reformed and pleasant now.” She looked at Spike. “She is, isn’t she?”

“Um…” Spike didn’t answer for a moment. “Well, she still kinda wants to conquer Equestria, but… baby steps, I guess?” The windows did not look impressed. “Hey, it’s a process! I’m sure she’ll be down to just one orphanage a month soon!”

The windows gazed on, but one answered him.

“Well, I, for one, am happy our dear friend found love!” Rarity spoke for the first time since Spike had entered, her shimmering hoof pushing a box of glass tissues behind her. If Spike were less distracted by her mane, he’d have noticed the crystal tears on her cheeks.

Spike stared for a second, then shook his head to clear his mind. The gemstones that made up Rarity’s incorruptible body were the most decadent jewels that ever saw sunlight—it was hard to tear his mind off them, and even harder to convince his stomach not to eat them.

She spoke again. “Girls, may I have a moment with Spike?”

He felt the pull on his magic lessen as the others said their till-laters. The light in their windows faded, their manes cementing themselves in position and their feathers no longer rustling. Only one remained awake.

“Yes, Rarity?” White light from her window played across his eyes, sparkling like gemstones.

“It’s good to see you again. I say, Twilight truly needs to enlarge this room. If you get any bigger, you won’t be able to visit at all!”

Spike couldn’t chuckle, for fear of shaking the castle. “Yeah. I missed you girls. Listen, about the marriage…”

“Oh, Spike, you don’t have to try to spare my feelings. I know you had your crush, but you’re a big, strong dragon now, and I’m… well, not exactly a lively mare anymore.” The glass restructured itself, the image warping to make it look as if Rarity was extending a hoof to him. She wasn’t, of course. Still just a window.

“It’s not that. I’m not really sure if I can say I—” If I can say I love her like that. “I mean, Chrysalis and you didn’t really get along…”

“Oh, dearest, don’t cancel on account of some old nag like me! I want you to be happy, darling, and while there may be—” She coughed. “—a few somewhat-less-insectoid mares I would rather you courted, anypony who makes my Spikey-wikey happy is a good friend of mine.” Rarity raised an eyebrow in contemplation. “Anypony? Anybug? Is that offensive? Oh, dear, my etiquette books never covered this.”

Her crystal mane flowed in the wind, or at least in an artist’s impression of wind. She’d always been Rarity Diamond, but her name was literal now.

“Rarity, I’m not sure you understand.”

“Oh, hush. Don’t worry about me, worry about your wedding plans, and your cake selection, and your dresses—oh! The dresses!” Her eyes widened, flooding the room with more light. “If only I could be there to sew them myself! What a tragedy, what a tragedy.” Glass hooves wiped away glass tears.

She muttered to herself. “Be strong, Rarity, be strong. For Spike.” Turning back to him, her eyes looked sheepish. “I do have one small question to ask, dearest.”

“Yes? What is it?”

“Well, um, I just have to know…” It was hard to tell from the window, but Spike could swear Rarity bit her lip. “It is a mite embarrassing. Promise you’ll not repeat it?”

Spike half-nodded, knocking several priceless ornaments to the ground.

“You see, Spike, it would mean a lot to me if… I simply must be aware if…”

“You can tell me anything, Rarity.”

She sighed, closing her eyes for a moment. Ruby blush spread across her cheeks. “I don’t mean to pry, but would Chrysalis ever… you know…?”

Spike looked on in blank incomprehension.

“Will she ever be taking my form when you—? I’d consider it quite flattering… if it pleased… Oh! I’m so ashamed!” The light left her window, leaving Rarity locked in her vibrant blush and Spike wondering just what had happened.