• Published 26th May 2016
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How Spike Kinda Sorta Maybe Married a Changeling - somatic



Spike doesn't understand what went on, either. All he knows is that several thousand bugs call him "daddy" now.

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12: Spike Makes a Crude Gesture

The queen’s throat heaved. Rivulets of black oil seeped from her unfocused eyes, dribbling disgracefully down and pooling in her crevices. It felt like she’d been crying for days… nine months and thirteen days, to be exact.

“Really did it this time, Chryssy. Found a dragon with a heart that might just be big enough to… what? Make up for the one I lost?”

Around her, Cadance’s armies of organizers surged and swelled like waves, mopping up last night’s lewdness, erecting pavilions, and replanting the rose bushes, deflowered in the debauchery.

“Like he would be any better than the last prince!”

Her disguise had flickered and faded away long ago. In this bustle, there was no need. Everypony was too busy trying to stop the yak guests from obliterating the castle to care about a lonesome changeling.

“I’ve tried forbidden magic! I’ve tried wifenapping! And Mr. Right… or, at least, Mr. Good-enough flaps right up to my door, and what does he do?”

Her body shuddered with sobs. Then shuddered some more as Spike’s feet made minor earthquakes around her.

She felt his landing before her tear-blurred eyes could see him, and blindly she tried to slip away into the crowd. Before she could go far, a leathery wing that smelled vaguely of mayonnaise fell like a curtain in front of her.

“Queen Chr… I mean, Chryssy, wait!” Spike’s voice drowned out the distant sounds of rehearsing musicians. “You know I didn’t mean it that way…!”

The queen muttered something miserable, voice muffled by her hooves as they worked to clear the grime from her eyes.

“‘Scuse me?”

She slumped back onto her haunches. “Well, what did you mean, you… you… dumb lindworm!”

“I…” A deep breath, a sigh. The wedding’s photo booth collapsed from the gust. “I meant we’ve failed you, Chrysalis. We haven’t reached out to you as much as we should have. We should have helped you!”

“Helped me how? Try to wean me off lovestealing? Gussy me up in pretty rainbow colors and parade me all around as your reformed changeling?”

Her voice rose and cracked, tidal shocks of emotions surging through her throat. “Oh, it worked fine for Thorax, didn’t it, till…” Her legs flailed as she choked out sentences. “We can’t live on leftover love forever! He couldn’t!”

Chrysalis stood. “We’re predators, Spike. You’d understand that, if you ate meat like a real dragon. We take, and we drain, and we exhaust, and if we try to 'share the love' or whatever insipid slogan your reformation squad has adopted, we fail. Even we can’t hide who we are.” Her eyelids closed, dark veins visible in the morning light. “Sooner or later, we always fall.”

“You do not know what it is like to rule them. I hear my nymphs scream for food, until they grow up stunted and learn they will never get enough. We have learned to be hungry.” Spike tried to slip a word in, but a sudden snort and a stomp from Chrysalis silenced him. “And now you come along, you, the dragon who’s thwarted my plans and starved my hive a hundred times with your heroic ways and your good deeds and your unconscionably irritating habit of stopping me from abducting orphans!”

Spike raised a claw. “Well, okay, that last one is…”

“Do you know how much love you can squeeze from an orphan? Disguise yourself as their dead mother and you’ll have enough to feed a hive!” Chrysalis rose onto her hind legs and aimed a kick at Spike’s haunches. “And you have to drop in with your fire breath and set them all free!”

Her wings whirred at a dragonfly’s pitch. “And now, and now that I’m actually trying to make this love thing work, what do you do? You ruin it all!” Slowly, slowly, she drifted down to earth. “Is it too much to ask for someone to love me for me?”

“Well, not being yourself is kinda your special magical power,” Spike interjected.

“You know, when I was a filly, my father told me all stallions wanted was a hole to stick it in! Well, look at these!” Her perforated limbs flung open wide, sunlight streaming through the grimy gaps. “Take your pick!”

Spike’s jaw worked wordlessly.

“Granted, I never learned what the stallion would do with the holes. Mother started blushing and made him stop before that part.”

The dragon sucked in a moment’s breath. “Wait, you mean you’ve never…” An uneasy cough rattled the ground. “You know, Twilight gave me the, uh, 'birds and the breezies' talk—erm, handed me a book about it, I mean—when I was twelve.” Spike still had fond memories of that book. That lavishly illustrated book. “I don’t suppose you’ve… Have you… Y’know?”

Two dragon fingers curled into an O, and slowly, Spike’s claw thrust back and forth into it as his blush grew ever more explosive.

The queen gazed on with uncomprehending eyes. “I have no idea what you are talking about. My mother ensured I received only the best tutors in my fillyhood, but breezies were considered an inferior race back then, and rarely studied.”

“That’s not the point… I mean, there are things that a momma and a papa pony… or, I guess, a momma and a momma, don’t want to be exclusionary, or a papa and a papa… look, they take their…” The claw-thrusting grew in speed and magnitude. “And they really get it in there… And they… Hold on.” The thrusting came to a sudden climax and stopped. “When you were a filly? Don’t you mean nymph?”

Caked in grunge and oily tears, Chrysalis’s eyes rolled. “No, Spike. I mean filly. Little baby ponies, truly abominable things. I shudder to recall I ever was one.” In a huff, she slumped against his flank, forcing Spike to contort his neck to face her.

“Chrysalis, we always thought you hatched out of an egg, or maybe spawned in the dark pits of Tartarus or something. What are you talking about?”

A hoof wiped grease from her noise. “I can only remember bits and pieces—these holes run straight through my brain, you know—but I used to be a pony.” The breeze whistled through her perforated side, a second harmony to Cadance’s distant orchestra. “Some thousands of years ago, they loved me.”

Green fire swallowed her, and for a moment, she was young. Vibrant fur, iridescent in every color, spread where once cracked chitin formed; wings stretched out in feathered glory, prismatic pinions catching the sun and scattering rainbows across her face.

A face that rotted away as Spike watched. Soon, her disguise eroded to nothing.

“There were statues of me, you know, commissioned by my mother. Maybe if I’d kept one I could remember what I looked like.” She breathed out, the last of her camouflage faded.

“But how did you… change?”

Chrysalis didn’t seem to notice. “The tutors said I was a prodigy at alchemy. I still know the recipe—a tuft of cloud, a bright rainbow’s glow…”

Cogs spun in Spike’s mind. The only recipes he could remember were for gem-related baked goods.

Chrysalis’s voice quavered like an angry child’s. “I gave everything for him, became anything, broke my body and warped my soul to every whim of his tiny, little, shriveled heart! Like I was a doll!” She tried to swallow the rising emotion in her throat. “And now, you come to me, want to make me one of your projects! A trophy, a toy for your collection?

She lifted her eyes to his, green gazing into green. “I’ve been a toy before. Toys break, they go out with the trash, they’re forgotten!”

“Chryssy, what are you talking about? What…”

She launched a knee with enough force to make the dragon wince. “I was born from poison!” Her hoof cracked a scale. “I was tortured by love!” Spittle flew from her jagged lips as she drove blow after blow after blow into Spike’s side. “I… I can’t even remember my mother’s name! But I still see his face, that sickening, worthless, dead face, that face I loved, that face I lost…”

Her strikes fell slower and slower, the tempo of her rage flagging.

“You know nothing about me. You know… nothing.” She slid down, wings dead in the air, hooves splintered and worn.

“No, I don’t.” Spike curled a wing around her, dappled light shining through the thinnest pieces of skin. “But I’m a good learner, if you’ll willing to take on a new student.” A deep breath warmed the ersatz tent.

Whisper-quiet came the reply. “I would be a thorn in your side for the rest of your life.”

“Good thing these scales are tough.” He pondered. “Actually, you did kinda leave a bruise back there, but as long as you’re a metaphorical thorn it’ll be okay.”

She nestled deeper into his immense bulk, scales scratching against chitin. “You’d be an idiot if you thought my story could have a happy ending.”

“But maybe you can have a new beginning.”

Chrysalis’s nose scrunched in disgust. “Stars, that’s cheesy. And I know cheese.”

“Well, that’s the high quality clichés you can expect with me as your husband.”

Poisoned princess and friendly dragon together, they stayed silent for a moment, until the queen spoke again.

“So you know how sometimes big events have children’s choirs? There’s an orphanage down the mountain from here and I’m thinking…”

“No.”

Author's Note:

I'm back, bitc... horse friends. And I love you all, so very much.

If it's not clear, "a tuft of cloud..." is the recipe for love poison. This is one of my many, many headcanons about Chryssy's origins, and I'll probably be exploring one of the other ones in another fic someday.