1: Celestia Needs Reading Glasses
“And in conclusion, the Duchy of Trotsworth declares the Stratocracy of Featheringston to be stupid rumps.”
“Your majesty, the Stratocracy of Featheringston respectfully denies that accusation, and counters that the Duchy of Trotsworth picks its snout!”
That was not, of course, what the diplomats were saying. Nonetheless, it was what Celestia heard, hours at a time in her dreaded Day Court. Your majesty, this. Your majesty, that. Sanction this, sanction that. Declaration of aggression, movement to condemn; just fancy words for schoolyard bickering. She felt like a teacher overlooking a class of unruly foals.
What were the Duchy and Stratocracy arguing about? Oh, yes. Water rights to a stream. Not even a river, a stream. And in the process, both parties had managed to offend the other’s honor.
She let out a long sigh, and a few observant guards could swear they saw the sunlight dim a little.
“Will the princess please acknowledge that the Featheringston diplomat licks boogers?”
“Motion to denounce Trotworth on the basis of its smelly flank!”
It was going to be a long day. So long, it seemed like she’d started hallucinating. That drift of green smoke coming through the window looked almost like…
“Guards! Cancel Day Court, Spike needs my help!”
The golden-plated soldiers pushed the diplomats out of the throne room, still throwing insults and notarized documents of displeasure at each other.
The smoke quickly coalesced into a thick parchment scroll, large enough for a dragon to scrawl on. Spike never did write much lately, or send telegrams, or even pop on that newfangled contraption—what was it called? Tuberphone? Telephone?—so any message from him was cause for celebration.
Gripping the letter in her aura, Celestia brought it before her eyes. And squinted. Heavens, Spike’s handwriting truly had degraded since he stopped sending Twilight’s reports for her.
You are cordially—Celestia thought that said “cordially,” though honestly it could just be a scribble—invited to the marriage of Master Kenbroath Gilspotten Heathspike…
“Oh, that’s Spike!” He rarely used his full name, but it did lend an air of formality to this… wedding… invitation…
Whisper-quiet came the words “My son is getting married.” Guards had to strain their ears to hear her.
Celestia rose up quick as lightning, her throne shaking a little from her movement. This time, she shouted. “My son is getting married!” Again. “My son is getting married! Guards, inform the royal bakers! We shall have a jewel cake! Nay, a thousand jewel cakes!”
She cantered from her throne, almost bouncing on the crimson carpet. Twirling in the air, she exclaimed, “Married! I’ll have grandfoals!”
Her forehooves rubbed together as she landed with a thud. Glancing about, she muttered “Stars know Twilight was never going to give me any.”
Another bouncing step. The floor quivered a bit under her weight—she had packed on a little belly in the last millennium, she admitted.
“Wedding bells are ringing, ding-a-ling-a-ling! Oh, guards, tell the royal choir to prepare a few love songs! No, recant that order! Prepare all the love songs!”
Princess Celestia bounded up and down the Canterlot corridors, her sing-song voice ricocheting off stained-glass windows and crystal chandeliers. Diplomats and politicians scurried out of the way of her gold-shod hooves. The royal dietician tut-tutted as she saw the cracks Celestia’s bulk left in the floor.
“Princess, what is the meaning of this?”
The alicorn grabbed the dietician in her wings. “Don’t you know, Waist Line? My Spike is engaged! And that means…” The princess’s smile broadened into a vast crescent, exposing all of her carefully-polished teeth.
Ms. Line waited for Celestia to continue.
“It means wedding cake!” Her eyes bulged in glee, almost as wide as pancakes—and Celestia was known for eating very large pancakes.
“Princess, in the interests of your health…”
The alicorn scrunched her snout against Waist Line’s. “My little pony, in the interests of your not being banished to the moon, I advise you allow me this moment of happiness.” She dropped her, letting Line twist in midair to avoid falling flat on her back.
“My son is getting married!”
As she trotted through the statued hallways in parental bliss, she saw a lone Lunar Guard sprinting for her.
“Princess! Luna awoken!” he squawked. Batponies like him had never quite got the hang of regular pony speech.
Celestia smiled. “Oh, wonderful! She’ll certainly want to hear of this!” Away she bounded, letter trailing her in her magic.
“Luna! Luuuna! Letter from Spike!”
Slowly, slowly, the nocturnal princess shuffled out her door. “Eugggh.” Her eyes flitted between closed and open until she gathered the strength to fully wake up. “Celestia, need we remind you that the Princess of the Night sleeps in the day? What is the purpose of this commotion?”
“Spike’s getting married! There’ll be a wedding and cake and it’s your turn to buy the present!”
“Married.”
“He sent us an invitation. Here, look!” The aura around the letter switched colors as Celestia passed it into Luna’s magic. From the shadows of Luna’s room, another Lunar Guard brought a pair of half-moon glasses.
“Mmm.” Luna glanced over the parchment, spectacles perched on her snout. “Did you read all of this, dear sister?”
“Well, no, not entirely. Ever since he grew so large, Spike’s writing has been rather difficult to read. Honestly, I saw ‘wedding’ and stopped there. Why, is there something else?” Luna saw panic in Celestia’s eyes. “Don’t tell me they’re eloping and we won’t be able to go!”
The moon princess shook her head. “The truth is far more dramatic than that. Did you read far enough to learn precisely to whom Spike is engaged?”
“Well, who is the lucky mare? Is it someone we know?”
“In a manner of speaking.”
“Flurry Heart, maybe? They are about the same age… Or perhaps he’s smitten with that lady dragon, the one with the funny face?”
Luna arched an eyebrow. “Her name is Crackle, and I doubt it would be diplomatically prudent to describe her as ‘funny-faced.’”
Celestia was undeterred. “Is it a mare at all? Not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind! I may be five thousand years old, but you’ll find I’m quite progressive. Though it will mean they’ll need magical assistance with making those grandfoals…”
Luna’s face was expressionless.
“Oh, tell me! I need to know what sort of wedding we should be planning, and more importantly, what kind of grandchildren we’ll be having!”
“Mhmm. Well, as the only pony in this family who is not ashamed to admit that I need reading glasses, I can tell you who Spike’s so-called ‘lucky mare’ is.”
“Ember, maybe?”
“No.”
“Could it be…”
“Sister, please give me a chance to speak.”
Celestia shut her mouth and sat down. Luna took a deep breath, exhaling a long sigh. Her magic adjusted her glasses as she read out the long list of noble titles.
“Our son by adoption, Master Kenbroath Gilspotten Heathspike, Savior of the Crystal Empire, Brother of the Princess of Friendship and Protector of the Realm, is engaged to none other than Her Royal Protuberance, the Majestic and Ever-Pregnant Queen Chrysalis of the Changeling Horde.”
For a brief instant, the sun fizzled out.
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Seeing the title made me think of this. Adding it to my RiL.
Pretty funny. I like it.
Flurry Heart's future aunt-in-law (if Spike is Shining's brother) is the same one who brainwashed her dad and impersonated her mother. That's some deep stuff, bruh.
For a moment, the sun fizzled out?
Its going to be a hot time in the town tonight.
Get your custom Flim flam Midnight shades, patent pending, right here, only a hundred bits.
Isn't she a bit old for him?
7247781 Hey, so's Rarity. Spike always was a cougar-chaser... Though in this case, it's more like the cougar is chasing him.
I'm just curious how Spike will keep Celly from murdering his new bride.
I liked the first one and I think I'm going to love this one.
Please, continue.
Hope this continues, I'd love to see how it a\\ pans out
Quick question: about how old is Spike right now? Or, more to the point, how long after the series are these events taking place? Are the rest of the Mane 6 still alive?
7247905 The rest of the Mane 6 is... somewhat dead. Being Elements of Harmony makes things a bit different for them, as will be revealed in upcoming chapters.
7247905
At least several centuries, according to a line in one of the earlier stories.
7248000
That answer was considerably more interesting than I expected. Thank you.
Damn it Celly, lay off the sweets! You're immortal and have all the time to do so, you have no excuse!
7247751
Reunions are gonna be akward
Ever pregnant? Then Celestia will get a lot of grandfoals? xD
Figures that when Celestia hears wedding, her first thought is wedding cake.
So Celestia thinks of herself as Spike's mother? Wasn't sure in the previous story whether Twilight counted as Spike's big sister or mother, though something in between is probably the most accurate. And yeah, Twilight is never going to have foals, not with how crazy she is.
Really happy there's already a sequel, and looking forward to more details of just how Spike ended up king of the changelings. I was wondering if it was Chyrsalis or if there was another changeling group out there, but guess this settles that questions. Man, that is going to be one crazy family tree. And hopefully Twilight won't break too many things when she wakes up while still dragon size.
Snrk, okay, that was great. Interesting verse, too.
... Calling Celestia Sunbutt or Sunflanks would be needlessly cruel.
Damn, Spike is one lucky dragon.
... That final reaction. You can just hear the Gears in Celestia's mind snapping.
Many more chapters are required.
NOW!
Please?
Love the cover art.
I really enjoy the way you make all the princesses sound like old farts.
Celestia, you're going to have lots and lots of "grandfoals."
I was a little concerned when going over the opening-not as smooth as it could have been, but then you come out with that ending line.
This is going to be good.
7248634 I agree wholeheartedly!
MOAR NAO!!!
WELL THEN! ONWARDS TO INSANITY!
I can kinda understand how the 'ever-pregnant' can be a complementary title to a changeling, but Royal Protuberance just makes me think of a lump on a log wearing a crown.
7248664 Hey, don't call the princesses "old farts" or you'll be banished to you-know-where.
First off, LOVE ALL OF THIS!
Second, for all those who don't seem to get it, 5 of the main 6 are dead from age. At least that's what I gathered.
And third, this is going to be so such FUN!
7248970 She's more like an ugly wart that sticks out of one's nose.
Also... cherngelnerngs...
7247836 Spike ate Rarity alive to keep her with him forever... Obsessive predator logic works that way.
7249378
Oh but that too will pass'
Take your pick dear....
7248960
You forgot to say please.
7249422 You left out Spike's favorite,
7249422 And then Chrysalis becomes...
cdn1.theodysseyonline.com/files/2015/11/22/635838115365780122-901575687_6358235333419573281092854367_donald-trump.jpg
This was so funny.
Celestia is a little more off in this than the others were in theirs, but I like her.
Also, ever-pregnant is one of the oddest titles I've ever seen, even if it makes sense for an insectoid queen.
7249448
(oopsy)
7249461 If Chrissy became the 'other hag'
he'd need a dust pan for his naughty bits and a broom to make her get away!
7249491
"Protuberance" struck me as weirder. That's the kind of malapropism most stories would use to indicate that the speaker doesn't know what they're talking about. I'm not really sure how to take it in context here.
7249530 Going by the first definition I found, " a usually rounded part that sticks out from a surface" it makes sense, if you go either by changelings being kinda something with rounded sticking out bits or the "ever-pregnant" bit. You know, a swelling, like a belly.
Both are weird, but funny, to me.
7249461 nice lol
What do u call this love fandom again? isn't it... it's not sparody. o no not spilight. anybody know what it is?
The ever pregnant.... I laughed very hard at this.
What the **** is this?
PS: I don't mean that in a bad way, I was laughing the whole time.
7251110
I had to go back and make sure I read that right. I thought f said 'poignant'
I’m so using this word from now on.
Spisalis?
Chryike?
Chrysp
Spi-
Not touching that one again.
media.riffsy.com/images/3e64ea8c3ee1147ec50376620f984792/raw
Now, now, If you had the time to actually read the entire chapter then I think that you will know what I am talking about.
7281987
I mean, unless she learns how to do the deed with a book, it's not gonna happen.
That gives me an idea...
For a brief instant, the sun fizzled out.
I like this.