Rough beginnings

by Never2muchpinkie

Chapter 11: Why is mama sad?

The next morning Dinky awoke, her mother still sleeping. Her stomach was rumbling a little, so she decided to go to the kitchen and see if anyone else was awake.

Bon Bon was sitting at the table, reading the newspaper.

“Good mornin’, Annie Bonnie.” said Dinky.

Bon Bon turned to her. “Good morning to you too, Dinky. You sleep well?”

Dinky nodded. “I hungwy! Can you make me some bekfast?”

“Oh, sure.” Getting up, she went to the counter. “Would you like some cereal?”

“Okays.”

Bon Bon took out a bowl and spoon, pouring Dinky some cereal and milk before helping her up onto the seat.

Dinky eagerly devoured her food before lifting the bowl and drinking the rest of the milk. “Mmm! That was good.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it.” She took the bowl and spoon, depositing them in the sink before returning to her seat. “Do you need help getting down?”

Dinky shook her head. She bit her lip. There was something nagging at her. It had been bothering her for a while.

“Annie Bonnie?” Dinky called out, looking over at Bon Bon.

“Yes, Dinky? What’s wrong?”

“I gots a question. A ‘portant question.”

“I see. And what’s your question?” Dinky lifted her legs, and Bon Bon leaned over, picking Dinky up and setting her on her lap. A few days ago Dinky never would have been comfortable with being on her lap. It seemed Dinky was growing accustomed to them already. “Okay, sweetheart. What’s your question?”

“Annie Bonnie… why is Mama sad?”

The question made her sigh, her heart growing heavy. No matter how much any of them hurt at Derpy’s plight, it was obvious that Dinky would feel it ten times more. Derpy was fine showing her true feelings to the rest of them now, but to Dinky she tried to only show her daughter her best side and be all smiles. Of course she couldn’t always manage it. The day before was a fine example.

What was she supposed to say? Was it really her place to try to explain a topic as heavy as death to a filly who probably couldn’t comprehend it in the first place?

Dinky was staring deep into her eyes, waiting for the answer to her question. Bon Bon knew she had to tell her something. She decided to feel Dinky out first.

“What do you mean, Dinky?”

Dinky’s face scrunched up a bit. “Mama… mama really sad. She say she sick, but she no cough or throw up or sneeze or anything. She just sleep a lot. An… an when she awake… um… um…” She struggled for the right words to say. She didn’t know quite how to explain things. She felt she lacked the right words to say. She could just feel things were different. She pouted, frustrated at her lack of vocabulary.

Bon Bon rubbed her hoof through Dinky’s mane. “Don’t get discouraged. Don’t worry so much about making sense. Just say whatever makes sense to you.”

Dinky looked down. “Well… Mama… she smiles but she don’t smile. She gives me hugs, but they don’t feel like huggies.” She looked up again, tears brimming her eyes as she put her hoof over her chest. “Mama… Mama’s heart hurting a lot.”

A solitary tear came down Bon Bon’s face. She understood exactly what Dinky meant. Derpy had tried to always fake being happy when she could, to try and spare Dinky’s feelings, but it was obvious that Dinky was seeing right through the ruse. If that was the case she felt it was alright to speak.

She put a hoof on Dinky’s shoulder. “Well… let me put it this way,” she started. “Do you remember when you first came here, when your mom dropped you off at our house while you were asleep? You were real upset because you woke up without her, and you kept calling out her name. You were really sad because she wasn’t there, and the whole time we were looking for her you were crying because you really missed her.”

“Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm!” Dinky nodded vigorously, paying close attention.

“Well, something like that happened to her. Her mother and father have… gone away, and she misses them a lot because they’re not there.”

“Ooooohhhhh,” Dinky responded slowly. “She miss her mama and papa?”

“That’s right.”

“And that’s why she so sad?”

“Yes.”

“Hmm…” Dinky looked contemplative, sliding off Bon Bon’s lap and sitting on the floor. She knew how it felt to miss her mother. She hated for them to be separated for long.

She thought and thought and thought, trying to think of something that she could do, small as she was. However, nothing came to the filly. She wanted to cheer her mother up, but she didn’t know how to go about contacting her grandparents to tell them to come home.

Auntie Bonnie had told her that her mother needed lots of hugs, but she wanted to do something more! She knew her mama enjoyed her hugs, but she could also feel it that her mother was really unhappy. Her smiles didn’t feel warm like they did in the past, and her hugs weren’t as comforting.

That she couldn’t find a solution only made her feel sad as well. She went to the guest bedroom, seeing her mother in bed like usual. Her mama had been sleeping a lot lately. She crawled up onto the bed, looking at her mother’s face. Derpy’s eyes were closed. As Dinky watched a tear came down her mother’s cheek, making her start crying as well.

Derpy had been imagining her parents, half-asleep. She hadn’t felt Dinky come up, but she heard the quiet whining. As she opened her eyes she saw Dinky looking down at her, her eyes shimmering with tears. She felt more awake knowing that Dinky needed her. She put a hoof on Dinky’s head, rubbing it. “What’s wrong, my little Muffin?”

Dinky closed the distance and hugged her, crying louder now that she didn’t have to try to be quiet.

Derpy stayed on her side, pulling Dinky to her, kissing her face. “It’s okay, Dinky. I’m here for you.” She opened her free wing, draping it over her. “I love you, Muffin.”

That would ordinarily be enough for Dinky to settle down, but not this time. She felt like her mother needed comforting as much as she did, and it hurt that she couldn’t think of how to help. She wanted to see her mother smile and laugh like before.

She started to bawl, and Derpy wasn’t sure what was troubling her daughter. For now all she could do was hold her close and wait.

Derpy looked up at a knock on the door, and saw Bon Bon standing there.

Bon Bon walked into the room, sitting down on the bed. Raising her voice to be heard over Dinky’s crying she said, “Dinky came to talk to me before. She asked why you were so sad. She knows that you’re hurting, no matter how much you force your smiles.

“I… I told her that you’re sad because your parents aren’t here and you miss them, but I didn’t know how much I could say. I didn’t think it was my place to explain.”

Derpy felt a jolt in her stomach. She had been so wrapped up in her own pain that she hadn’t even taken the time to consider Dinky’s feelings. It was no wonder Dinky was confused.

Derpy had lost her parents, but Dinky had lost her grandparents. And all of a sudden they were sleeping in a new house. What had to be going through Dinky’s mind about the sudden changes in their life? Dinky hadn’t said anything about it. She knew that all Dinky really needed was her to be happy, but things had been so hectic in her mind she hadn’t explained what was going on. Dinky had been fine just because they were together, but she was growing unhappy because her mother was unhappy too.

Derpy knew she had to rectify things. She sat up, pulling Dinky onto her lap. “I’m sorry, Dinky. I should have explained things to you before.”

Dinky was coming down from her emotional high, sniffing and breathing hard, staring at her with miserable eyes.

“Grandma and Grandpa were in an accident. They got hurt really bad. That’s why I’ve been so upset lately. It just really hurts that they’re not around anymore.”

Dinky sniffed again, giving a small nod. Her mom got worried whenever she got hurt, so she could understand feeling the same if her parents were hurt. “So-so they at the hoscipal?”

Derpy took a deep breath. “No, Dinky. They’re not coming home. They’re gone… for good.”

Dinky rubbed her eye. “B-but why? We can go visit. G-give hugs and kissies and say ‘get bettah soon!’”

“Dinky, your grandparents are dead.”

Dinky cocked her head slightly. “What ‘dead’ mean?”

Derpy tensed up. Dinky just didn’t understand. “Well… usually at night we go to sleep, and then we wake up in the morning. But when a pony is hurt really, really bad, then they don’t wake up anymore. That’s what death is.”

Dinky was trying to follow along, but she couldn’t quite connect the dots. “Why they don’t wake up? I got hurts lots and I always wake up.”

Derpy’s eyes closed halfway. She was starting to feel a pounding in her head, and an all too familiar fatigue. She hadn’t even processed her parent’s death herself. Trying to drum what death was into Dinky’s head was far too exhausting a prospect.

Dinky could feel the shift in her mother’s mood. A short while ago she had been in teaching mode, but now she had that sad look again. Dinky’s stomach churned, and her eyes brimmed with tears. “I sowwy! Don’t get sad, Mama!”

Derpy let out a huff, pulling Dinky closer to her.

Bon Bon scooted closer. “Let’s put it this way: your grandparents have gone somewhere we can’t talk to them, and they can’t talk to us. They’ve gone far, far away, and they aren’t coming back.”

Dinky nodded, but she wasn’t really listening. She still didn’t understand, but she did know her questions were causing her mother pain. Her curiosity had gone away now. She didn’t need to understand… not if it was going to make her mother wear that face.

Things changed for Dinky after that. Now she knew the reason why her mother had been acting so different. Her mother was sad because she missed her parents. She knew the feeling of missing her mother. It hurt so much just to be away from her for a short while. What would it feel like if she could never see her mama again? The thought made her shiver.

Derpy noticed the change in Dinky’s behavior. She didn’t seem overly upset, but she was clearly troubled. She seemed to be spending a lot of time in her own world, thinking. She wasn’t sure how to feel about things. On the one hand, it was a relief that Dinky knew the truth, and she didn’t have to force her smiles so much. On the other, she missed Dinky’s bright, cheery demeanor.

Just like when Dinky was mad at her she knew she had to let Dinky experience her emotions. Dinky didn’t quite understand death, but she did understand missing someone she loved. She knew that Dinky was grieving, in her own childish way.

She discovered her wording of death was poor the following morning. Dinky had slept with her as usual. Her daughter left her alone to go have breakfast, still thinking about what she had been told.

All of a sudden she was jerked out of sleep by a forceful shaking. Dinky was screaming, “Wake up, wake up, wake up!” over and over.

She opened her eyes, and she saw Dinky’s terror shift to relief before her daughter buried herself in her chest and started crying hysterically.

It took a while for Dinky to settle down enough to get any words out. When she seemed to be coming down Derpy asked, “What’s wrong, Dinky? What scared you so much?” She was thrown for a loop by her response.

Dinky was shivering hard as she looked up into her mother’s eyes. “I-I-I t-though you was dead!”

Derpy blinked in surprise. She ran a hoof through Dinky’s mane. “Why did you think that, Muffin?”

“C-c-cuz y-you-you s-said that… that…” She sniffed several times, looking on the verge of a new round of tears. She put a hoof over her heart. “Y-you heart hurtin’ really bad cuz you miss you mama and papa. And y-you said that you die and no wake up when you hurt r-really badly.”

Derpy’s eyes went wide. In a way she felt she should have seen this coming. Of course Dinky would come to her own conclusion of how someone could die.

She put her forehead against Dinky’s so their eyes were right in front of each other. “Listen to me, Muffin. You are right. I did say that yesterday, that when you get hurt really badly that you die and don’t wake up anymore. However, that only applies to physical wounds, like…” She drifted off. She didn’t want another misunderstanding. If she compared it to something like scraping a knee for physical pain Dinky might assume the worst every time she got a scratch.

“Let me put it this way. There is emotional pain, and there is physical pain. Emotional pain is like when you get mad at someone for taking your stuff, or you get upset and start crying because someone yelled at you. Its stuff you feel on the INSIDE.” She put her hoof over Dinky’s heart.

“Physical pain, on the other hoof, is stuff you feel on the outside. Like when you touch the bath water when it’s too hot, or when you’re going too fast and fall on the floor.”

Dinky gave a little nod, waiting for the end of the explanation.

“So, basically, emotional pain does hurt a lot, but it won’t kill you. It’s only physical pain that would kill you.”

“You promise?” she asked pleadingly.

“I promise,” she responded.

Derpy could feel tension melting out of Dinky’s body as she sank into her hold. “You feeling better now, Muffin?”

“Mm-hmm,” Dinky responded. “I need huggies. Big huggies!”

“Alright, Dinky. One big huggie it is.” She squeezed tightly, and Dinky sighed.

“I love you, Mama!”

“And I love you too, Dinky.”

A few days passed, and things were largely the same. Dinky still spent a lot of time just thinking about things. She so badly wanted to do something to cheer her mother up, but she knew only one thing would do that.

And then… it came to her. She had an idea. It wouldn’t be exactly what her mother wanted, but it might at least make her smile.

She went to Bon Bon in the living room. “Annie Bonnie!” she called out.

“Yes, Dinky?” she responded, setting her book down. “How can I help you?"

“Pitcher! I need a pitcher!”

“A pitcher? Isn’t that a bit much?” Dinky shook her head. “Oh, did you want to share with your mama?” Dinky nodded enthusiastically. “Alright, then.” She got up, heading towards the kitchen.

“So what would you like?” she asked, taking out some cups. “Lemonade or iced tea?”

Dinky frowned, confused. “I no want lemelade or ice tay.”

Now Bon Bon was frowning. “Hmm? Well, then what do you want?”

“Pitcher!”

“A pitcher of what? That’s the only two drinks I can make, unless you want some milk.”

“I need a pitcher!” she repeated, obviously getting frustrated. “PIT-CHER!”

“I’m sorry, Dinky, but I don’t understand what you’re asking me for. I’m not as experienced as your mom in understanding toddler talk.”

Dinky growled, her face puffing up, before she turned around and stomped out the room. She’d go to Auntie Lyra instead.

She walked to the bedroom, seeing Lyra writing something. “Annie Lyly!”

Lyra turned around, lifting Dinky up in her magic and levitating her over in front of her. She nuzzled Dinky’s nose. “Hey there, squirt. What’s up?”

“Annie Lyly, I need a pitcher for Mama!”

“A pitcher, huh? I guess your mom must be really thirsty if she wants that much.

“I’m busy writing out some sheet music for my new lyre song, so why don’t you ask Bon Bon to help you?”

Dinky’s face fell when she was placed on the ground. She left the room, feeling defeated. She flopped to the floor in the middle of the hall.

Why did everyone think she was asking for a drink? It would be like asking for a cupcake and someone gave you a rock. Should she just give up?

Derpy’s face floated in front of her eye’s, heartbroken and sad.

NO! She couldn’t give up! She wouldn’t give up! Even if she had to do it alone, she was going to cheer her mother up.

She got up on her hooves, feeling inspired. She ran to the front door. The living room was still empty. She guessed Bon Bon was still in the kitchen, which was fine with her. Bon Bon was no help.

Opening the door with her magic she closed it behind her as she kept running. “Howd on, Mama! Dinky’s gonna make you smile!”