Bruh, lookit these stories im sure there will be some you like here eventually- maybe not now, but eventually.
Months before the Elements of Harmony realized their destinies, the Canterlot Special Sciences division found an unidentified creature near the Everfree. Unfortunately nopony seems to be able to understand a thing it says when it tries to communicate- except one pony.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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You got the makings of something good. Keep it up!
Looks good.
Only thing thing that I noticed was "Celestias gaze quickly..."
When I read that I started thinking that it was Principal Celestia, as in more than one Celestia, and I even went to check the tags and see if Equestria Girls was taged.
It should be "Celestia's gaze quickly..."
The pacing is too fast for my taste. It doesn't give enough time to let the reader digest the things happening. All touch and go. But the biggest flaw here is your paragraph composition. You have a lot dialog of 2 characters in the same paragraph, and those are big mistakes if you want any sort of immersion in your story.
It's a little rushed through, plus a lot of little mistakes like you keep forgetting to capitalize "I" most of the time, plus only one person talks in a paragraph not sure if that was a mistake or an editing one when posting this up here as this site can be tricky with the spacing. It doesn't really make any sense why she would be the only one to understand him though.
Good heavens, capitalize the I's.
Need to work on your apostrophes and a few other errors, but so far so good. I'll admit, I'm intrigued, keep it up.
It's Sapient, God damn it!
Many creature can be satient but only human and the likes can be sapient!
Celestia isn't hard to pronounce.
Or even if somehow the "translation" came out somewhat different, Solaria or Solaris fits better. Or even Caelestis in Latin. Meaning heavenly, sun, god, sky...
i
I
Other than that, this is pretty good.
Good comedy, but for Celestia's sake man... CAPITALIZE THE CELESTIA FORSAKEN I'S!
Elli looks to Spike with a smile, and from Spike's perspective, lets out a few grunts(comma or em dash, because the hyphen doesn't work. Here, I'll provide the em dash—) then a long moan.
Of course he's sentient. All animals are sentient. The surprise here is that he's sapient.
This would benefit from a proofread. It feels like every second or third sentence has an error.
...that Celestia'a inspection...what? That's not a complete sentence. Your phrasing implies that there should be more words after "Sciences Division," yet the sentence simply ends. Assuming you weren't trying to say something entirely else, the simplest fix is to replace "'day that" with "day of."
Also the "which stood for" phrasing is awkward. try:
"Celestia’s routine inspection of the CSSD, the Canterlot Special Sciences Division."
You've established past tense. And yet:
...then you switch to present tense. Stick to one or the other.
Punctuation.
All of these are incorrect. Here's a guide for using capitlization and punctuation with spoken quotes.
Of this creature, not on.
Why are you capitalizing?
1) What part of its diet consists of things they're not feeding it? Your phrasing goes out of its way to imply that it definitely is eating things they're not feeding it.
2) How exactly do you "eat meat for hunting?" Yes, you might hunt for meat. You might hunt meat. You might eat the meat you've hunted. But you wouldn't "eat meat" as a means of hunting. That doesn't make sense.
It was found not would found.
Another time tense shift.
"I" should be capitalized.
There are so many problems with this sentence I'm not even going to list them all.
Line spacing inconsistent with the rest of the story.
Is it a box or a cage? Make up your mind.
That to should be on. If you want to use to in this sentence, it would be:
"As it slowly came to its hind legs"
This is, admittedly, a case where English is a little weird. You "come to your feet" and you "stand on your legs." You wouldn't "stand to your feet" or "come on your legs." Also, notably, the speaker in the case doesn't have feet, so I realize you're trying to accommodate the sort of phrasing that would come naturally to them. So "stood on its legs" is an reasonable way of conveying that, even if it's not something a human speaker would say. Even so, it should be "stood on" not "stood to."
Once again, you're shifting time tense.
That should be either "an eyebrow raised" or "with a raised eyebrow." Not "a raised eyebrow."
Again, "I" should be capitalized. Also, there should be a period after "nods."
"I" and "I'm" should be capitalized. In case you're wondering, no, "me" should generally not be capitalized. English is a little weird on this point.
There are a couple errors in this, but I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to do, so it's difficult to offer a correction. if his name is "Elli" then there should be one period, not two. If "Elli" is only part of his name and he's stopping halfway through the word, that should be a dash, not a period, and "he" should be lower case.
Either way, "I'm" should be capitalized.
Possessive apostrophe: Celestia's
Capitalize the "I."
Yet more time tense shifts.
1) In this specific case, that should be "still-sitting" not "still sitting." Yes, there are situations where "still sitting" would be correct. This isn't one of them.
2) position. Just
claw-like
I'm not going to lecture you on en dash vs em dash. That's a convention that pre-dates computers, and personally I find a hyphen to be acceptable. Though some of my writer acquaintances might disagree.
Either way, some of those uses of a dash are either incorrectly spaced, or would be better replaced with a period.
Pretty nice, I'll have another.
This looks really awesome! And I like the new way you introduced Eli, it was a bit mundane, but thats why I like it so much!
Holy shit i completely forgot about this account and story, ill get back to work right away!
Starting by getting a proofreader, which might help a bit
This is pretty good so far, given the nonsense that only a singly pony can understand him. At least it's not the "Nopony understands his language" thing. That trope always bothers me.
Pony who he'd
This is the only mistake I found in the third chapter... Still, intersting story, keep it up!
img.buzzfeed.com/buzzfeed-static/static/2016-01/11/21/campaign_images/webdr02/denzel-washington-just-dethroned-chrissy-teigens--2-9710-1452567532-0_dblbig.jpg
Ehhhh I think it would be better if you just say we're overly curious in the name of science.
8286337
What about those who explore in the name of religion, or for the purpose of their Family name?
How about those that discover in the name of their country, or in the name of war?
These cannot all be traced to the cause of furthering scientific research; However, i see your point as a valid argument.
You passed the great "human introduces his species" filter. Congratulation.
Allthough I would like to point out that as an intelligent beings that pursue their self-interest, no human government would dissect nor mistreat captured alien for the simple reason that it would be way to risky (assuming that alien is recognizably sentient).
If one alien is found it is better to assume that there is more of them nearby.
If they somehow got to Earth that means they can somehow travel between stars/dimensions.
If they can do that that means they are probably very VERY powerful.
And if they're very powerful it's in one own interest to make a good first impression.
Oh man, that part for some reason made me burst into laughter.
Perhaps in the next chapter he could explain that he doesn't fly for that reason. Maybe shock her with tales of human aircraft.
Celestia is a monster. Altitude sickness is no laughing matter!
Personally, I love the concept of Azathothian Humans, each of us the slumbering Daemon Sultan, the Center of a universe, whose dreams are creation. Thusly, when they wake up, that creation dies. It's a bizarre thought, one that I found leads to personally interesting conclusions.
Ouch. Well good to see you back. The chapter was excellent.
Welcome back
Did not expect an update, but i am pleased.
Woo! Unexpected update! Nice to see this isn't dead.
10105052
Never dead, just in hibernation.
Working on the next chapter right now, expect a release within the next week or so.
ow how mangled is he?
Ow... How did he end up in a tree... I think I missed something... lol
Me: Looks back at last chapter..... "Oh yeaaahhh...."
He's lucky he got away with only a broken leg...... Umm... If that is indeed the only thing....
Good flow so far
So is he still naked, or just covering himself with a blanket? Because I don't think him trying to get some proper clothes for himself is something they would decide to not bother with.
I like this story, it's now on my saved list. :)
By Breuhlookit
Found a typo, unless you changed your name. :p
10117553
Nice catch!
Maybe im dishing these out too quickly! haha
7282952
Damn bro, i wish id seen this comment earlier!
Thanks for the input, I appreciate every word and I've taken it all into consideration!
This is good.
Aww!
Misspelling in chapter title, even if you meant to do a pun in being uncovered. I would suggest using a hyphen perhaps; if a pun was your intention? Otherwise it's good work -- I'm not a fan of short chapters like this personally but you're putting them out often enough for that to be a negligible issue -- and I am enjoying the setting you've created here.
10151744
I kinda just put these chapters out before thinking, thanks for the catch brother~
whens the next chapter?
10154624
Im trying to update this story maybe 1-3 times a month depending on how said month goes.
just chill bro, i have a lot of this story planned out and im sure youll enoy it~
Roll credits. ding
never understood why ponies would get mad about being called a horse since pony is a subspecies of horse so being called a horse not totally inaccurate, plus horses canonically exist in mlp such as saddle Arabia