• Member Since 3rd Apr, 2014
  • offline last seen January 17th

Insanecrusader


I am the king crusader of craziness. If it's not completely INSANE, then it's not worth wasting the time in your life. we all have lives... we just download them to our computers and live there.

T

Twilight's been to other worlds before, but there, magic existed. Now she has gone and thrown herself into a completely foreign universe where not only do people not believe in magic, it virtually doesn't exist! Can Twilight succeed in introducing equestrian magic to these humans or will she have to adapt to her new form? And how will Equestria fair without her?

Meanwhile, Twilight's friends begin to wonder if her disappearance was caused for a much darker purpose...

Written by Insanecrusader16

Cover art by the fantastic Adlynh

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 25 )

please, leave any criticism you have here, i appreciate any and all opinions!
tell me your thoughts! thank you:twilightsmile:

7188329 Too early for this. I will w8 for next chapter before make any decision. But! you have my attention :)

7188968 I'm already working on the 2nd chapter before this chapter was published.

Thank you though! :pinkiehappy:

Comment posted by Insanecrusader deleted May 6th, 2016
Comment posted by Insanecrusader deleted May 6th, 2016

And whabamm! 2nd chapter!

:rainbowdetermined2:

3rd chapter in the works!

UPDATE 5-9-16: chapter 3 was delayed this weekend due to my Eagle ceremony.

It'll be done by tomorrow late

UPDATE 6-20-16: after stradling some more people to pitch in and help, work has resumed, chapter 3 is going to be longer

u have inspired me to make my own.. also some other people...whitch ill probly not make :3. im lazy

7188968 the 3rd chapter gets REALLY intresting
cdn.meme.am/instances/500x/69266659.jpg

TRUST me. i just have a lot of other things going on and this is very hard for me to find time for.

writing the 3rd chapter is going at a snails pace but i intend to get it done as best i can. its already at 3,198 words
thats 6 pages on google docs but when published on fimfiction it seems small.
but PLEASE give me a chance! this is my baby right now and i need all the support i can get!:fluttershysad::twilightsheepish:

Well, I was worried that this story could be like my story (going through submission right now), but there are enough differences to make me feel safe.

Looks nice, keep it up, I want to see where this goes.

7371886

I was worried that this story could be like my story

odd, may i ask how you thought they may be similar?

7372075

Because my story is also about Twilight going to our world (without magic), by accident and having to deal with returning home while handicapped, but those are all the similarities between this story and mine. If my story gets approved I'll show it to you (and hope you like it) so you can tell why, but, again, keep the story because you're taking it in an interesting direction (mine is a little bit more realistic while trying to use Magic Realism).

Also, don't worry with asking, you have the right to do so.

Okay, I'm gonna help you out. Just as a slight introduction, I will be quoting parts of your story I have trouble with and will explain to you why I have trouble with them. When I finish, I hope to see that you would have acted upon these changes and made your story more enjoyable.

Ready? Let's go.


First off, a suggestion. Putting a double space in between paragraphs makes it easier to read. You don't have to do this, but doing it makes everything easier on the eyes.

After three minutes without any word from the lavender alicorn...

Slight Lavender Unicorn Syndrome here. Actually, you may have put this here on purpose. What I'm trying to say is that instead of using repeated descriptions of the character in question, just use a pronoun or the characters name. It may seem repetitive, but it isn't too bad.

”You actually managed to find something already?”

They had been at this since daybreak… and it was nearly dusk!

How long does this normally take? Spike says "already" which implies that they've only been at this for a short amount of time. But no. They've been at it since daybreak.

He didn’t know when they would call it a day. But Spike was so exhausted, he didn’t care.

You should combine these two sentences. It sounds clunky when they're apart.

Twilight picked it up, it had the personal seal of Her Majesty's royal guardian, Starswirl The Bearded.

Conversely, you should break this sentence apart. It sounds longer than it should be. If you don't want to, I would suggest adding a semicolon (;) after the word "up" then capitalizing the "I" in "it".

Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Rarity and Rainbow Dash had all been told by Spike to meet with the Princess of Friendship...

Formely mentioned LUS applies here (LUS is Lavender Unicorn Syndrome).

Most of them were bewildered to what such an occasion called for a formal summoning rather than just a casual get-together.

This sentence is kind of clunky. To rid it of clunkyness, I suggest changing it to this—although this is completely my own opinion:
"Most of them wondered what kind of occasion called for a formal summoning rather than their normal get-togethers."

“So what’dya think Twilight's got for us that's so darn important?” The southern earth pony, Applejack mused.

LUS. In fact, Applejack is the only one you went into detail with. Everyone else was just called by their normal names.

“I couldn’t begin to fathom her reasons, the dear isn’t ever this cordial…

But didn't she summon them formally? Would that be the opposite of cordial, which means friendly? Unless you mean strongly felt, which makes slightly more sense.

That would be so awesome if I- I mean, if we got to be in charge.

Not many people know this—I actually just found out myself— but this type of dash is actually incorrect in this situation. The dash used in this sentence is called an En dash, which is used to combine two or more words like "Mother-in-law" or to indicate stuttering. The type of dash you're looking for is called an Em dash, which can be written if you hold down the "alt" key and type in "0,1,5,1". You use an Em dash when someone is interrupted, or if you want to set aside irrelevant information (for an example of the latter, check the first sentence of this footnote. I used two Em dashes like commas).

Spike calmed them all down even though he didn’t even know what Twilight had in store for them.

What did he do/say? Some details would be nice, but it's not necessary.

“Girls… What I have here is something only a team of friends like us could ever accomplish. “

Sorry for being so nitpicky, but it just kinda bothers me. You left a small space after the period, which made the quote open again.

Spike looked at his best friend worriedly. “Are you sure that’s safe? What if it fails and only you get transported? What if there's no magic in the world you end up in? What i-” Twilight put her hoof over his mouth. “Everything will be fine, Spike… I promise.” She hugged him tightly before handing everypony a copy of instructions.

Twilight and Spike spoke in the same paragraph, which shouldn't ever happen.

“From north, south east and west...

These are directions, and should therefore be capitalized. Also, there is a comma missing between South and East. It makes it seem like you're talking about the direction Southeast.

“And now for something completely different…”

Who is saying this? The narrator? Sorry, I was just a little curious.

there was always one thing he never liked: Ignorance.

Ignorance shouldn't be capitalized. I mean, I capitalized it because it was the beginning of my sentence... you get it, right?

Yeah right, if he’s any example, then boy scouts truly are the only honest people left in this world.

This sentence should be broken up into two. It sounds long otherwise. I would suggest putting a period after "Yeah Right" then capitalizing the "I" in "if".

He should’ve known better than to trust a high school flunkie would keep his word on anything.

Savage. Nothing's wrong with this, mind you. It's just savage.

“And you wonder why people think you’re weird” The voice quipped.

You need a comma after weird. Also, "The" shouldn't be capitalized.

He laid back down, pushing aside the feeling to ponder later.

Wait, so he pushed aside the feeling to ponder later? Doesn't that mean that he wants to ponder now? I think you meant to write this:
"He laid back down, pushing aside the feeling to ponder." or, "He laid back down and pushed his feeling to ponder to the back of his head."

Like any new year should be for John.

Why should a new year for John be slow? Is it because he won't get any sleep from the neighbors? Please elaborate.

...a police box and the words “The Doctor will see you now.”

Ahah! I see now! I know why Twilight was taken here! It's because Twilight assumed that time is a strict progression from cause to effect, but actually, from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's actually more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff!

You would think, being twenty-four, he would’ve been able to buy some new jackets. But John stuck with that one, and what with it being only January, it was the only heavy jacket that would keep him warm.

You should combine these two sentences. The first one sounds cut off unnaturally. If I may suggest it, I think you should go with this:
"You would think, being twenty-four, he would've been able to buy some new jackets, but John stuck with that one. It was also the only jacket he owned that would keep him warm in January."

He listened for his intruder, for any sign of whether they were a guy or a woman.

Man or Woman would be more precise, but that's just me being nitpicky.

Being in such a clustered space, John knew whoever was in there was gonna be breathing real heavy.

What does being in a closed space have to do with breathing heavy? I mean, unless they have asthma, or are claustrophobic, but he has no reason to know that.

“Higher pitch, shorter breaths, deduction: female.”

W-what? How does he deduce this? What does he do for a living? Is he a fan of Doctor Who, Sherlock, or both?!

“Want to hold out for maybe a second more, mister? Unless you want to see me with no clothes on, please hold.”

“Sadly, you are correct, good sir. Now would you step out so I can get some air?” She chirped.

These don't really sound like things Twilight would say. The word "mister" and the phrase "good sir" don't really fit Twilight as they would Rarity. She wouldn't really address him as anything. If she did, it would prebably be "human" or "Man".

John lifted his brow. “Oh? I have all day miss...Miss…” He didn’t know why he hadn’t asked this first.
“What’s your name again? Let's start with just that.” he looked at her, waiting for her reply eagerly.

These should be in the same paragraph. There's no reason to break them apart.

Okay, that was my take on the story. Everything I found is here, and I am eager to read more. Sadly, it is late and I have to sleep for my health. Good luck on your writing!

7373826 when I get home in a bit I'll be sure to work on it.

You know, I didn't expect the last author I talked to would help me. Maybe I should be a bit more social on this site.

Thank you so much!

Make that 3 mustaches!

Alright, tip one: having the Mane 6 use their Elements for the spell is trite in the extreme. It is unnecessary and ridiculous, in my opinion.
Two: why would Twilight just decide to visit another world using a spell that even her role model decided was too dangerous? That is too dumb of her for it to be realistic.
Three: she only spent one day researching the spell ebfore she performed it? I would complain about that, but she did the same thing when Celestia brought her an unfinished spell by Starswirl so it isn't too out of character. I would think that she would be very leery about doing so again considering the ramifications the last one had.
Four: both she and John are WAY too casual about the whole thing.
Five: she happens to show up at the house of a brony... *facepalm* really?
Six: they speak the same language. Perhaps just a pet peeve ov mine but would it not make more sense if they did not speak the same language? I could see it for a mirror universe, but not ours.
Seven: you need to work on placement of quotation marks. There are several which are badly out of place.

That is all for now. If you found any of these helpful, let me know if you would like more feedback. Again, I apologize if I seemed rude. I am simply being direct.

7447533 yes, I've noticed I may have made the two a little too casual towards each other.

But I need some guidance on what to put to fix it

I haven't got time to read this, but I'd suggest editing your summary. There's more than one grammatical error that can be fixed in less than a minute, a small investment of time. As it is at present, it is be off putting for a potential reader.

7448941 <fixed?>

i cleaned up what i think you alluding to

pm me the details if it still looks bad.

7452874

"and" should be capitalised. The last "twilights" needs an apostrophe as well. But otherwise it's much better!

7452894 oh goody!

that'll be easy,

whats your opinion on what i have so far?

7452952

I haven't actually read it unfortunately. I've not had time sorry.

Anyone who is still wanting more of this story, I have some good news and bad news:

The bad news first- if you want new chapters anytime soon, then you may be in for a bad day as I'm trying to sort out my writing and that starts with my other project: More than Magic (don't look for it, I've revoked it's submission to completely rework it)

So as for Lost in Darkness, I'll be a bit before I get to editing it and THEN I'll finally start making new chapters

Good news? I've got my life in order so that means better quality. It also means that i can time my publishing dates somewhat.

For now though you'll have to wait, more info in my latest blog

Tata for now!:raritywink:

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