Sandworms, Assault Rifles, and the Merits of Extraneous Princesess

by GaPJaxie

Chapter 3

"And it flies like four hundred miles per hour, and it can go into space, and it's got something called a Chrysanthemum Laser Array, and I can use it to blow up empty buildings at the edge of town!" Rainbow's description of the merits of her new airship went almost as fast as the ship itself, words emerging one after the other. Servants ducked as she made wide, wild, excited gestures, their dogged attempts to actually brush her coat or polish her hooves nearly entirely futile.

"You can't bring the airship back through the portal, Rainbow. It wouldn't fit." Twilight smiled, turning another page in her book. By the late afternoon, she, Rainbow, and Rarity had all gradually ended up in the spa, all enjoying separate activities within reasonable conversation range of each-other. Twilight was reading and having her wings oiled, sprawled out with wings spread on a decadent cushion as three servants. She was surrounded by four unicorn servants, who were respectively brushing the individual feathers on her left wing, brushing the individual feathers on her right wing, gently polishing each of her hooves with a soft cloth, and offering her individual and exquisitely spiced balls of cheese.

"I wasn't gonna ask that!" Rainbow made another wide swipe with a hoof, and one of her own servants ducked quickly. She was just as tended upon as Twilight, though by considerably more frazzled staff. "Though, hey," she turned to the servant beside her. "That airship comes apart, right? It was all science parts held together with screws and stuff. We could break it down into parts that would all fit through, say, a kind of big door right? Then put it back together?"

"I... don't know, sir," said the poor mare with the hoof polishing cloth. "Do you require your coxswain?"

"Woah!" Rainbow lashed her tail. "I don't uh... That's getting a little personal. I didn't-"

"A coxswain is the master of the personal ship in leu of the captain, dear." Rarity giggled. She was off to the left, surprisingly tended upon by only a single servant, who brought her a steady stream of clothes for her to examine upon a nearby table. "And no, His Highness does not require the services of his coxswain at this time. He does however, require privacy. Further, the exalted Princess wishes to know how her arrival in town has been received by the common people. Please fetch the Majordomo at their first convenience, then wait in the hall outside. No party should enter without first knocking."

The servants all looked at Rainbow for confirmation, who stiffly nodded. "Uh... yeah. What she said." They bowed, and departed, a tug from Twilight making one of them leave the platter of cheese balls behind.

"Don't judge me," Twilight said. "I'm getting over my phobia. And they're good."

"Yeah yeah, sure," Rainbow shook herself out, turning to stare at Rarity. "Thanks for bailing me out there, but uh... 'His Highness'?"

"Haven't you noticed? I admit I wasn't certain, but just now? None of them blinked an eye." Rarity reached up to brush back her mane. "The servants and guards all call you, 'sir,' and the more I look at that uniform you're wearing, the more certain I am it's cut for a stallion. At first I thought it was just local fashion, but examining these outfits? No. Nothing so tasteless. Whomever your royal tailor is, she's an absolutely exquisite creator."

"You know-" Twilight spoke around a cheeseball. "There's a decent chance it's alternate-you, Rarity."

Rarity looked at Twilight. She half-lidded her eyes. With dry intonations, she answered: "Thank you, Twilight. That hadn't occurred to me."

"Okay, sure. I get it. Fashion and titles and stuff, but uh... hold on." Rainbow hiked her body up on the mat, lifted her tail, and craned her head down to examine her undercarriage. "Nope. Nothing new down there."

"Eww! Rainbow!" Twilight scrunched up her muzzle. "I did not need to see you with your tail up!"

"It's an alternate universe, Twilight! I don't know," Rainbow insisted. "Maybe I'm a Prince here. I need to check."

"It's an alternate universe, but you're still the same pony. You're not going to spontaneously grow a... you know." Twilight made some less than helpful hoof gestures.

"Why not?" Rainbow lifted an eyebrow. "You spontaneously grew hands and feet when you went through the Canterlot High portal."

"That's different!" Twilight insisted.

"Why-"

"Because I say it's different!" Twilight scrunched up her muzzle. "And because your version is gross! Seeing a stallion version of you would be... weird."

"I don't think you're in any danger of that, dear." Rarity's tone was dry as she cut in, looking between the two with a tolerant expression. "I'm quite sure the servants would have reacted had Rainbow appeared as a member of the wrong gender. No, this universe's Rainbow Dash is certainly a mare, but it seems she is also certainly a Prince, not a Princess. I haven't the foggiest idea as to why, but I would suspect it is a matter of social convention over, shall we say, underlying reality."

"Oh." Rainbow paused. "Is that all?"

"Don't dismiss it, Rainbow," Rarity waggled a hoof. "It's obvious this world takes their nobility very seriously. The slightest breach of protocol could give you away as a fake -- or be taken as a grievous insult."

"Oh... yeah." Rainbow fluffed her feathers. "Man, that's way less fun. Maybe it's a good thing we're clearing out of here in a few hours."

"It's less fun and games," Twilight agreed. "But I like how seriously this world seems to take rulership. All the 'Your Highness' this and 'Your Worship' that took some getting used to, but, you know. I get the sense it all works out in the end." She paused, and cleared her throat. "Plus, you know. I bet I could get a cab here. I might even get a discount."

Rarity was about to comment on that, when a loud knock sounded at the edge of the spa. "Enter!" she called, and the door opened to reveal an aging grey earth pony, dressed in a simple but dignified grey uniform. He bowed low, first to Rainbow, then to Twilight.

"Sir. Your Highness," he greeted. "How may I be of service? I hope the ministrations of the staff here have not been inadequate in any way?"

Rainbow paused, then looked to Twilight. Twilight looked to Rarity. Rarity cleared her throat. "The exalted Princess wishes to know how the common people have received her arrival. Please, describe the circumstances of her visit as it is understood by the masses. Assume we know nothing about her or the surrounding circumstances, and explain as if we were common folk."

"I... very well." The Majordomo paused, considering his words. "As you already know-" Rarity caught his eye sharply, and he paused again. "As is common knowledge, since House Atredies took control of this world, the people have been prosperous and safe, and the rule of His Grace, Tragic Twist, has been quite popular. However, while the people welcome his rule and consider him both just and fair, there is some question of... legitimacy. As the Duke has no claim to this world beyond having been gifted it by a distant power the common folk have never met. This is particularly complicated by the role of yourself, Prince Rainbow Dash, as you are popular with the people, but..." He cleared his throat, and shifted from hoof to hoof.

"We need not speak of that," Rarity said, to the majordomo's obvious relief. "Continue."

"It is under these circumstances that the Padishah Empress Celestia, has sent her foremost daughter, Princess Twilight Sparkle, to our dry and humble world." Twilight looked stricken, and the majordomo bowed to her again. "We welcome your presence, of course."

"Ha ha. Yes. My presence. Since I'm Celestia's daughter. Apparently." She cleared her throat. "Just to confirm, there's absolutely no chance that I'm adopted?"

The Majordomo paused, and Rarity let out a polite laugh. "The exalted Princess has a wonderful sense of humor. Please, continue."

After a moment, the old pony turned back to Rainbow Dash and continued. "She would secure your rule and legitimacy in the eyes of the people, as her line is well respected, and there's some..." He paused. "Silly local prophesy, about She Who Is Many Types Of Pony At Once. Enough locals believe it that the marriage would be both politically and practically-"

"Marriage?" Twilight blurted out at once. Her eyes went wide. The Majordomo froze. Rainbow grinned ear to ear.

Rarity giggled, demure and just so. "Majordomo, if I may?" She lifted a hoof. "May I assume that his Grace, Tragic Twist, has only daughters?"

"You... may," the old pony nodded slowly, looking uncertainly between the three. Twilight looked like she ate an entire lemon, while Rainbow was clearly struggling not to laugh.

"And could I further assume," Rarity smiled just so, "with accuracy, that his Grace took his favorite daughter and declared her legally male so that she could be married off to the female heir of another house?"

"Of course. The only alternative would be years, possibly decades of needlessly brutal house to house warfare, probably involving Atredies enemies as well as the Imperial army. It would be a needless waste that could ultimately destabilize the region." The majordomo said, puzzled. "Marrying the heirs to the two houses makes way more sense."

"Yes, while it's less dramatic, I think we can all agree that that's a much less stupid way to resolve this dispute," Rarity said, glancing off to the side. "Is there anything else of common knowledge?"

"Just that Her Highness made an appearance in town today, and blessed the common folk." The old pony said, "A mare has been seen about claiming that she touched Twilight's wing and her arthritis healed."

Everypony looked at Twilight, who still had a distant, frazzled expression. After a moment, she blurted out: "Was that mare also gay?"

A long silence hung in the air. Rarity cleared her throat. "You may go now, Majordomo."

And he did. Gladly.

Comments

[Walabio]

I would not believe that a crossover of MLP:FiM, Stargate, and Dune would work, but this works great.