Chapter 9: Witchhunt
As Flurry Heart heard her name getting called from the front of the class, she twitched. Her face distorted in an expression of shock and every muscle in her body was tense. Even though it was clearly her turn to step out to the blackboard, Flurry Heart just sat frozen on her stool. Maybe she heard wrong? Maybe it wasn't her name that was called? Maybe she had just understood “Flurry Heart” because of being so nervous and in reality, it was another student's call to tell how he got this name.
The thought eased the little alicorn somewhat. Surely it wasn't her name. Of course not. If it would have been, her teacher would stand in front of her desk now, demanding from her to finally step out, with how long she already hesitated. No, it was definitely not her. A moment later, though, Flurry Heart's hopes were crushed.
Her name sounded across the classroom again, louder this time, impatient. The sound of the voice crawled into her ears, like thick, slimy worms. Thick, slimy and hungry worms, with sharp teeth, who were in this moment busy with eating the insides of her ear canal. Flurry Heart knew this wasn't true..... But this was exactly how it felt to her.
No matter how terrible the voice felt in her ears, Flurry Heart knew this was something she couldn't do. A request that she could not fulfill, she just couldn't. Instead of giving in to the voice and do what was asked from her, Flurry Heart tried to turn the situation around in her favor. In an unusually intimidated way, she addressed her teacher. “Mr. Know? I-I can't tell how I got my name today. I-I'm sorry but it's impossible.”
Austere Knowledge raised an eyebrow while he looked at her with eyes that seemed to pierce right through her. “Can I take from this that you are the only one who has not retrieved the information?” his voice bellowed over to her.
“Y-Yes,” Flurry Heart lied. “There was too much homework yesterday and I was busy. There was no time to ask my parents.....”
Her nervous state made speaking this lie easier than Flurry Heart thought. It was easy to believe if one just closely observed her. Flurry Heart expected a disappointed sigh, more yelling and perhaps more detention from her teacher. But all of this was better than the other option. The consequences of telling the origins of her name would be far worse, Flurry Heart was well aware of this. For a second time this morning, though, she was wrong in her hopes.
With rapid movement, Austere Knowledge dashed in front of her desk. His forehooves crushed down on either side of Flurry Heart's desk and he planted himself in front of her threateningly. When he opened his mouth, there was just one word that he roared at her.
“LIAR!”
Startled by the loud voice right in front of her, Flurry Heart slid away from her desk, attempting to hide herself between the other students. Austere Knowledge, though, was faster.
His hoof darted forward and one second later, Flurry Heart felt a sharp pain in her ear as her teacher's hoof squashed it. She tried to get away, but his grip was too strong. “I know everything, little princess,” his sharp, condescending voice rang out again. “I know that you asked your mother and I know that she was telling you everything about your name. She was even lying about it at first, I can see where you have this attitude from.”
The heart of the little filly almost stopped as she heard these words. “How can he know?” she thought in distress. “Who told him about it?” Before she could speak out these questions and address them to her teacher, she felt pulled out of her seat by him and dragged in front of the class. “But now the lies are over!” he hissed again. “Now it's time to be honest, princess! Now you will tell everypony what happened! They all have the right to know it, the time of royal secrets is over!” He gave Flurry Heart a last push, then he let go of her ear finally and just looked at her with a smug, expectant grin.
In a last attempt to avoid the horrible situation that was looming for her, Flurry Heart turned to the right and galloped in the direction of the classroom door, but found herself wrapped in the black aura of her teacher almost immediately.
Harshly, he dragged her back to her former spot and put her down with such speed that her hooves made a loud, thumping sound on the floor and started to hurt. “There is no escape, princess,” he mocked her. “You will tell everypony the truth now. Your parents have hidden it for too long. Everypony should finally know what you are!”
Flurry Heart's whole body began to shake. Carefully, she looked over the classroom, trying to delay the inevitable and considering her options. Only to realize that there weren't any. Her excuse had failed. Her attempt to escape as well. And now she was still wrapped in the black magic of her teacher, tightly kept in place by it in a way that made it impossible to try another attempt to gallop away. Everything was over and Flurry Heart knew that her teacher was right. The only thing left now was speaking the truth.
“I..... My name.....” she began in trepidation. The mouth of her teacher formed a broad grin.
Again and again Flurry Heart tried to speak out the horrible truth about herself, in a way that made it sound less awful than it was, and every time she tried it, her attempt fell flat. There was just no way to make everything sound harmless, she realized, and so, she decided to just say it as directly as she could. The longer she stood in front of the class, the more the situation was wearing at her. By now, Flurry Heart was so desperated that she just wanted to bring it behind her. She took a deep breath, then she revealed the horrible truth about herself:
“I have destroyed the Crystal Heart when I was a baby. That's what my parents named me after.”
If there was any reaction Flurry Heart didn't expect after this confession, it was the insufferable silence she was greeted with now. Nopony spoke a word, not even her teacher. And it also wasn't necessary. By looking into the faces of her classmates, Flurry Heart could see what was going through their minds as they tried to process everything.
All of a sudden, she felt the magical grip around her vanishing. Unsure what to do now, she looked up into the face of her teacher, who responded her glance with an icecold expression. “Go to your desk,” he said taut, in a way that made Flurry Heart shudder.
Still perfectly aware of it that trying to flee was useless, she did as she was told and made her way back to her desk at the side of Sunny Spirit, who was now looking at her like all her other classmates, except for a strange glimmer in her eyes that Flurry Heart couldn't explain. She expected Sunny to find her speech first, but instead, it was a filly who sat in the row behind her.
“Did you really do this?” she asked her in a shock-filled voice.
Flurry Heart didn't answer. Incapable of speaking now, she turned away from the filly and dropped her head. But apparently, it was all the answer the filly needed.
“Then you are dangerous,” she continued.
This sentence brought the rest of the class out of its shock state. A murmur went through the classroom and soon, many voices rang up to Flurry Heart.
“Yes, she's dangerous!”
“I bet she has dark magic!”
“Lock her away!”
The shouting of the voices grew louder and Flurry Heart began to shiver as more and more statements and accusations were thrown at her.
“That she destroyed the Crystal Heart must mean that she's a monster!” the filly behind her began again.
“Or a witch!” another filly chimed in. “That's it, just think about it! She is an alicorn and can use magic! She has destroyed the Crystal Heart and what else than dark magic can do this? And dark magic is only used by evil sorcerers and witches! Flurry Heart is a witch!”
Another murmur followed and the fillies and colts around Flurry Heart nodded in agreement with what the filly said. Soon, another filly repeated the words.
“Flurry Heart is a witch!”
“Yeah, a witch!” a colt in the last row shouted as answer and pointed his hoof at Flurry Heart.
More and more foals of the class began to use the terrible word and it took mere seconds until the whole classroom was shouting and chanting while repeatedly pointing at her.
“Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!”
The voices around her became like a roaring thunder and as Flurry Heart couldn't take it anymore, she pressed her hooves on her ears in a desperate attempt to block out the chanting, but for some reason, the words still came through.
“Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch! Witch!”
As her ears began to hurt, she got off of her stool and attempted another escape, though like before, she felt wrapped up in Austere Knowledge's magic. Some of the unicorns made their way to her desk and used their horns to burn the word “Witch” into its wooden surface. Soon, the desk of Flurry Heart was cluttered with the accusation. As they were finished, they joined the other foals again and all of them gathered around Flurry Heart. Forming a tight circle around her, they didn't leave her out of their sight, all while she couldn't move away due to her teacher's magic that kept her in place. Instead of chanting, they began to attack Flurry with questions and statements now.
“Do you even understand what you have done? We need the Crystal Heart to live here!”
“Why did you destroy it? Are you working for somepony who wants to harm the Crystal Empire?”
“How did you do it? Tell us so that we can protect the Heart from you!”
Several times, Flurry Heart attempted to explain the exact circumstances that led to the destruction now that she was confronted like this, but every time she tried, another foal interrupted her.
“Tell us who you work for!”
“Are you already planning to do it again?”
“We can't trust you anymore, Flurry Heart!”
While the statements continously rained down on her, the foals drew ever nearer and the circle around Flurry Heart became tighter and tighter with every new statement or question. Helplessly, Flurry Heart looked around, trying to find at least one foal who was willing to stand up for her.
Her eyes fell on Magnolia Sunshine first, but as always, the rich filly with the white coat just looked at her with a mix of disgust and jealousy. And of course, she wasn't doing any actions to help her.
The next filly her eyes fell on was Fiery Breeze. Flurry Heart hoped that Starry Skies' friend with her strong sense of justice would talk some sense into everypony, but this time, nothing of the sort happened. As soon as she had set eyes on the filly, Fiery Breeze huffed. She spit into Flurry Heart's face. “Don't look at me, witch!”
At her side stood Starry Skies, who averted her gaze as the spit of her friend hit Flurry Heart. Flurry looked at her pleadingly, giving her the signal that she begged her to say something, anything, but Starry Skies just shook her head sadly, then she turned around and disappeared behind the other foals.
With tears forming in her eyes now, Flurry Heart wiped the spit off her face, as she noticed somepony approaching her from the left in the corner of her eye. A sudden feeling of hope emerging in her, Flurry Heart turned her eyes into the direction she heard the hoofsteps coming from. It increased as she saw Sunny Spirit.
“Sunny!” Flurry Heart reached out to her immediately. “Please tell them to stop! I didn't destroy the Crystal Heart on purpose!” Flurry Heart's voice was completely frantic now. “You are a crystal pony, Sunny, if you tell them to stop then they will–“ She was cut off by Sunny's hoof covering her mouth.
“No, Flurry,” she said, while slowly shaking her head, her eyes closed. “I won't tell them anything. I am a crystal pony, yes, but that's why I won't do it. I was born here, Flurry Heart. My parents were too. Even my grandparents were born here. And all my other friends too. You tried to destroy our home, Flurry.”
Terror building up in her face now, Flurry Heart pleaded Sunny more urgently. “But we are friends, Sunny! We always helped each other! Please, Sunny, tell them to stop!”
But once more, Sunny Spirit shook her head in the horrifyingly slow tempo. “Not anymore,” she answered. “It can't be excused what you did, Flurry. I can't excuse it. My parents had to live through King Sombra's reign and they suffered so much..... I can't sympathize with another villain that might let them suffer again.....”
“But I'm not a villain, Sunny! You know this! I didn't destroy the Crystal Heart on purpose, I would never do this! It was an accident, Sunny!”
“It doesn't matter if it was an accident or not, Flurry,” Sunny coldly replied. “My parents rely on the Crystal Heart. Everypony here does. I do. You could destroy it again one day and then everypony loses their lives. We are no friends anymore, Flurry Heart. Something must be done about you.”
Without paying her former friend any more attention, Sunny Spirit turned around and walked away, joining the other foals again.
“So, what should we do about the witch now?” the filly who had started it all asked.
Another filly, the one who had assigned the cruel term to Flurry Heart, answered. “Let's bring her outside. Outside of the protection spell, into the cold. We just leave her there. Then she will know what she caused and how the cold death she almost brought upon everypony feels!”
Whispers were exchanged between the foals, then most of them nodded.
The next one who spoke up was Sunny Spirit. “I don't think she has to die. But she can't be allowed to live in freedom anymore. Flurry Heart must be locked away in the dungeons deep under the ground, as far away from the Crystal Heart as possible.”
Another round of nods happened, although with smaller participation this time.
“But what if her parents refuse?” the filly who called Flurry Heart a witch asked with worry.
The answer from Sunny Spirit gave Flurry Heart chills.
“Then we will force them. Flurry Heart is a danger for us all, if her parents refuse to lock her away for our safety just because she is their daughter, then they aren't good rulers. We will tell them what we want and if they don't do it, we will inform everypony and then storm the castle and lock up Flurry Heart by ourselves. They can't stand in the way of all of us.”
This suggestion of a possible rebellion found broad approval again. Nearly everypony was nodding now, Austere Knowledge even sported a massive grin over the imagination.
The only one who didn't seem to be particularly happy about it was Magnolia. She stepped up to Flurry Heart and enfolded her wings. “I will agree, but only under one condition: Slice off her wings. That way she won't come far if she should ever manage to escape the dungeon. And I always wanted to have them anyway.....”
The suggestion once again found bround approval, only Sunny Spirit's face showed a slight expression of shock. She sighed. “I don't want that Flurry Heart gets hurt, we were friends once. But at least this one time you are right with something, Magnolia, and I agree with you. We must do everything to take care off it that she doesn't come anywhere near the Crystal Heart ever again.”
Flurry Heart's eyes dilated and she began to squirm around, desperately trying to break free from the spell. “No, Sunny, please! I-I promise, I won't try to escape! Please don't do this! Please don't do what Magnolia wants!”
But this time, Sunny Spirit just ignored her desperate pleading and so did the other foals.
The only reaction came from Austere Knowledge. The foals parted and let him through as he approached their circle. In a steady pace, he aimed for Magnolia, a big, sharp knife hovering in his magic in front of him. As he had reached her, he let it glide into her hooves, a gift that the pegasus filly happily accepted. “Do it,” he said in anticipation. “Her wings must become removed before we bring her into the dungeon.”
Magnolia didn't hesitate. She brought the knife into position, then moved it slowly down to Flurry Heart's wings. “Now your wings will be mine! Where you are going now, you won't need them.”
The terror in Flurry Heart's face grew. Streams of tears ran down it now. She could see how Magnolia came ever closer to her wings. As she had almost reached them, Flurry Heart tried to avoid her fate in a last, desperate attempt.
“Magnolia, please don't! I know you aren't evil! You were crying on the schoolyard yesterday! And you proved me that you won't hurt my wings anymore on the cloud! Do you remember?”
Magnolia ignored her questions, though. “Oh, of course I'm not evil! I know this. But you are, Flurry Heart. You are evil!”
She grinned diabolically and without giving Flurry Heart another opportunity to reach out to her, Magnolia finally let the blade of the knife come down on her wings and cut into them.
Flurry Heart started to scream, but before she could feel the pain of the knife cutting off her wings, she suddenly found herself sitting upright in darkness. In an unbelievably loud volume for her small lungs, she continued to scream into this darkness. Her scream was so loud that it startled the pony at her side.
“Hey, everything's fine!” a soft, yet slightly deep, voice rang out to her from the darkness.
Flurry Heart heard hoofsteps rushing towards her, then a bright, blue light shone into her face. She felt two big hooves grabbing her and shaking her little body gently. Panicking, she tried to get the hooves off of her, all while she continued her screaming unwaveringly loud.
“Hey, calm down, everything is okay!” the voice spoke to her again, slightly more hectic.
It was only now that Flurry Heart realized to whom the voice belonged. As sudden as it started, her screaming stopped and she turned her head into the direction from which both the voice as the hooves that were holding her came and found herself looking into the face of her dad, who smiled at her in a gentle, yet worried, way. Flurry Heart needed a moment to process what she saw in front of her, then her eyes teared up and she fell into her dad's arms.
Gently, he wrapped them around her and stroke over her mane, letting his daughter cry on his chest. “I guess you were dreaming about what your mom told you earlier.”
A muffled confirmation came from his chest in between the crying.
“No reason to worry about it anymore!” Shining Armor replied to it. “The dream's over, it's all fine.”
Flurry Heart moved away from him. Sniffing, she dried her tears, then she looked up to him with a haunted expression. “Only until tomorrow,” she said. “Then everypony will know and once they do, I can't show myself outside anymore.....” New tears appeared in her eyes.
Seeing the distraught face of his daughter almost broke Shining Armor's heart. For a moment, he let his head sink, eyeing the bedsheets.
“I guess in the end it was a really dumb idea to call you 'Flurry Heart' based on what happened. We both regret it. I found your mom crying in the kitchen when I returned after the delegates had retreated into their guest rooms.” Hearing this let Flurry Heart almost cry again and a pained expression appeared on her face.
Shining Armor looked up again. “But we're going to fix it, Flurry! The royal decree was delivered on time, the messenger told us when she returned a few hours ago! Nopony will find out.”
Instead of seeing the face of his daughter lighting up, she just cast a sad glance aside. “I'm not sure.....” Her voice sounded weak.
Shining Armor set up the most confident expression and voice he could muster. “Hey, we already altered schoolbooks to cover it up! We can deal with a school assignment!” He playfully nudged her shoulder with his hoof.
Now Flurry Heart looked up to him, giving him a thankful smile. Just a moment later, though, her eyes dilated in shock and she became frantic. “No!” she exclaimed. “How late is it? I still have a lot of homework to do and now there's probably no time anymore!” Hectically, she attempted to jump out of her bed, but Shining Armor held her back.
“Don't worry about this. It's already taken care of!”
Flurry Heart stopped in her movement and looked up to him with big, curious eyes. “How?” she asked. Her face was full of riddles.
“Horn writing imitation spell.” He grinned and gave her a smirk.
Now his daughter's face was finally brightening up, both from being amazed that such a spell existed as from relieved that she didn't have to care about this problem anymore at least. She twined herself around him again, laughing in his coat. “Thank you, daddy!”
“Don't mention it.” He gently put a hoof on her mane. “But now you should go back to sleep. You still look tired.”
At first, Flurry Heart wanted to protest, but then she yawned, which was when she realized that her dad was right. She lied down again and Shining Armor tucked her in carefully. As she was covered by the blanket, Flurry Heart's face grew worried again and she shivered. Shining Armor noticed it.
“Don't worry about any more nightmares. I'll stay at your side and wake you up if you have another one!” He bent forward and kissed the spot under her horn.
Flurry Heart shot him another thankful smile as she felt her eyes getting heavy. She closed them, but was still noticing the bright, blue light from her dad's horn under her closed eyelids. “Don't turn off the light until I'm asleep, okay?”
“Don't worry!” her dad answered and Flurry Heart smiled again.
Shining Armor watched the peaceful, but frazzled, face of his daughter. As her breath had become slower and he heard quiet snoring noises, he stopped casting his light spell and sat down at the side of his daughter's bed again. Only the moon that shone into the room was illuminating it now, softly casting its silver light on Flurry Heart's face.
Wearing a stern expression, Shining Armor watched his daughter's sleep, paying close attention to detect any possible signs of Flurry Heart having another bad dream.....
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Government cover ups don't work in the long run... They only backfire stupendously at a later date...
7427689
Mission accomplished, hehe.
I was of course thinking a lot about how Diamond Tiara used to be, I think it can be seen quite clearly how I drew inspiration from her, but I also wanted Magnolia to be far, far worse than Diamond Tiara ever was.
I'm glad they are liked. Even though the names don't sound like that, there went some effort into choosing names for them that make sense and carry a certain meaning in regards to their personalities.
Since you are the first one who really acknowledges them, can you figure out what their names mean?
I have nothing of that sort planned. While I am a shipper (who is unfortunately cursed with the complete opposite of "talent" in regards to writing romantic stories
), they will stay just friends.
Although, there is a chapter that might let you feel shipping vibes between Flurry and another pony, although it is completely unintentional. xD
Out of curiosity, what gave you the feeling that there could be more between Flurry Heart and Sunny Spirit than just friendship?
I'm honored and happy you feel that way, though, it actually does quite well already, a few factors considered.
With the fact that I haven't written something for four months straight before I published this fic and that I had other, huge gaps between my writing periods (which is something I've begun changing with this fic, I finally manage it to write on a regular basis), 551 views for Chapter 1, 1,720 views in total, 34 upvotes, 28 favorites in total (11 of those in the first 24 hours alone, a number I never got before!), 17 upvotes before I received the first downvote, 130 views already in only 24 hours and a very much alive comments section where there are readers that actively discuss and speculate about the story (or at least one of them does), are a very impressive and satisfying result.
While I am a bit disappointed that later chapters strongly dropped in views, I can't really complain with these, mostly unexpected, results. It's my most successful fic so far.
If you want to support the fic, though, you can submit it to the various Flurry Heart groups here, which might get it more views. I avoid doing that myself, cause it just feels cheap, so I wait until my readers take care of this by themselves.
Without wanting to spoil the fic, I think I can afford to already reveal that it's not Sombra, as I already described in this part what the pictures on the walls show. Who Flurry Heart saw on the picture was actually a certain teacher..... Her reaction will become more clear soon.
YAY, my first Mary Sue criticism!
One step closer on the road to success, fame and popularity! 
I really value constructive criticism, because I'm still quite a beginners author mostly and this helps me getting better, though there are also certain catchphrases that I don't accept as feedback, either because I see people using those in the wrong way all the time or because the ones using them don't understand that the story elements, even if the catchphrase correctly applies, still serve a very specific purpose for this particular story and are therefore necessary for it, even if they might seem like a flaw to a reader.
But mostly, it is because those catchphrases are entirely subjective and usually only reflect people's differing tastes, instead of an objective rule for good writing, which is why they are not particularly useful in regards to constructive criticism and helping authors to improve.
"Mary Sue" is one of those catchphrases I dismiss as feedback, for the reasons named.
I won't change Sunny Spirit based on your input, but I will do an attempt to explain my motivations and thoughts behind her a little, as well as explain what "Mary Sue" actually means, cause I see you using the term wrong as well:
I suppose what you deem as "a little Mary Sue" is her ability of building up other's confidence and making them happy and that your perception was triggered by my description of her that said that ponies feel instantly better around her.
This is indeed the special ability she has, to lift other ponies' spirits in hard times, nicely demonstrated by it how she builds up Flurry Heart in the toilet after the terrible experience she had to went through with Magnolia.
For achieving this, she actually has to do the effort to talk with ponies to get them out of the dumps, but to a small extent, ponies can indeed already feel it when being around her, just by her incredibly high spirits.
But having a unique, special ability, no matter how strong or powerful this ability might be, does not yet constitute a "Mary Sue", it is rather a part of characterization that is often very important and crucial for the plot of a story at one point or another.
A "Mary Sue" is basically a character who has such a powerful ability that he can instantly solve all sorts of problems that might arise in a story by himself, without needing any other character or any creative method to solve this problem. It's simply a character that kills all suspense in a story, because he has, figuratively speaking, just to snip with his fingers and every villain is defeated, every crisis is averted and everything is rainbows and sunshine again almost instantly.
A Mary Sue character like this that is basically unstoppable because of his sheer power can even be a good character if the role of the Mary Sue is assigned right, for example, a very powerful villain that has an ability that lets him win with almost no effort and that only gets defeated by the heroes by sheer luck or coincidence in the end, would provide for a very exciting plot where everything stays a thrillride until the end, just by the challenge the Mary Sue villain provides for the heroes with his immense power.
That's just an example for it that a "Mary Sue" is not always a bad thing, even though many people believe it is.
However, Sunny Spirit in particular is not a "Mary Sue". She does have a special ability that is very helpful, but, as I said, this alone does not make her a Mary Sue, and she is no all powerful, instant problem solver.
This is something that is detailed quite clearly in the next chapters you will read and I hope it is recognizeable for everyone, cause I don't want that her character gets misunderstood and confused with a type of character she isn't just because of her being particularly skilled in cheering ponies up.
Again, thanks for reading! Even though I have to reject your Mary Sue input, your comments still mean a lot. And if you should still be wary about Sunny Spirit once you have caught up with the story, I hope that other aspects of the fic will be to your liking.
7428671
So the pony in the picture is Mister Know, right?
Sunny and Flurry aren't shipped? Okay. It's just that the way Flurry acted around her felt a little shippy. Oh well, me and my shippy mind
I'm sorry for saying Mary Sue. I rarely use that term and I absolutely hate it, because yes, people use it so incorrectly. Whenever someone hates a character for any reason he just call it a Mary Sue. Stupid! That being said, I don't hate Sunny and she's in no way ruining the story for me. I said "little Mary Sue" because I meant she's NOT a Mary Sue yet. Sorry you were misled. I wanted to say "be careful. Some people may not like this. You're close to making a mistake". I should've made this clear, I'm sorry. You have the right to reject anyone who just says "Mary Sue!" and leaves. Everyone has his own definition of a Mary Sue. So I'll use a better term: an uninteresting character with no flaws that makes no mistakes at all, solves everything, everyone loves her and characters who don't love her are viewed as evil or jerks, and she kills all the suspense in the story, and she usually has an unusual tragic back story. I'll give just one warning: don't give Sunny a tragic back story. At least not now. Right now I believe there are people waiting to see her getting a tragic back story to start calling her a Mary Sue. Why? She's an OC, very beautiful, everyone loves her. Just put a tragic back story there and Sunny will become a magnet for "Mary Sue" comments. You may tell me that you won't listen to them, but other people will, and when they see all the Mary Sue comments they won't read the story and may even leave a downvote without reading. Please, I'm saying this for your own good. I'm not saying Sunny is a Mary Sue, I'm not even saying that I will say that in the future, but I just want her to be fleshed out better, and depending on what you said it appears that you already did that in the following chapters. But please, remember that not all people are going to be calm and talk to you like me. Sunny isn't a Mary Sue, but she's also not really an interesting character, at least not yet. I shall keep reading and see.
Thank goodness it was all a dream.
7429351
Already "disturbing"? We shall see about this, maybe.....
There are things Flurry Heart looks forward to every day; meeting Sunny, the magic classes, FLYING..... She also has a very strong mind, so school isn't as much hell for her personally as it is for other foals.....
Now I'm not completely sure if I made this clear enough in the story. Then again, a good story keeps some things subtle to let the reader figure it out and does not serve the plot on a silver platter. I do think I prefer subtle characterization here and there, in fact, this story is full of it.
Nothing else comes to mind. This is the way how he's supposed to be.
A fan of seeing Cadance getting angry, huh? Hmm.....
There are a lot of things I could answer to this paragraph, but let's postpone this. There are five more chapters you don't know yet and what you referred to here can really only be properly determined once you have read everything.
If you continue reading with this pace, you might be able to be up-to-date on everything before the next chapter comes out next week.
While I don't really see it as a flaw what you said here, the fic is currently at a point where it's picking up pace, so after reading the rest of the chapters, it might feel different to you.
While I have included a lot of details in this fic that are going to become relevant for the plot in one way or another, I'm a fan of including things to simply deepen characters and make them feel more real (in fact, that's one of those objective things I mentioned that a really good story just needs, without characters who let shine through that they have a life aside from the main plot, a story isn't drawing you in nearly as much as it could and you would waste potential) and to increase atmosphere (I'm thinking about a particular info about Flurry Heart herself in a chapter you have yet to read right now, let's see if you can spot it), so, if you read anything that seems unnecessary for the story to you, then it is either something that isn't relevant yet but will be relevant later, or it is an expression of my personal writing style.
Without an example for what you said here, though, it's hard for me to determine what of those two applies exactly.
Generally speaking, though, everything in my story will and does serve a purpose in one way or another that enhances reading if paid attention to it, as I already said in my explanation about fillers.
Not all of this might be instantly recognizeable for everyone at the first read (in fact, I hope it isn't, the best stories are those that even allow to discover new things at the second, third or fourth read), but everything is a piece that is part of either the plot or the characterization of characters.
7429585
I know exactly what you mean. Although, I am surprised that it's Chapter 2 that gave you such a vibe. I was suspecting people would get this feeling from Chapter 3, as Flurry gets a bit affectionate towards Sunny there, in a way that already stretches the friendship boundaries, at least by Earth's standards.
I suppose this chapter could easily be rewritten into a different version without changing all that much, but then I would need to up the rating by two levels.
And for the rest, I've never seen a "Mary Sue" described as having a tragic backstory either, but I'm very certain that this is actually not part of what makes a Mary Sue. No, actually, a tragic backstory for a character is steering it into the other direction, as such a thing provides excellent opportunities to give a character flaws.
Although, I admit that I just realized that I derped in my explanation what a Mary Sue is. There I was saying that a Mary Sue kills all the suspense because the character is too perfect and flawless, which is true, but then I was saying that an all powerful villain who keeps a story exciting until the end is a good example for a well done Mary Sue, while this is the exact opposite of "killing the suspense".
Which is why, to give a better example for what is NOT a Mary Sue, Starlight Glimmer isn't one. I saw the Mary Sue insult thrown at her quite a few times, because she has such powerful magic that even exceeds Twilight's, magic so powerful that she blows up solid, naturally grown stone bridges and even alters a spell of the most powerful unicorn that ever existed and manages to manipulate a magical device by the most powerful, magical being that ever existed in general with ease.
But then there is her tragic backstory, which makes her weak and which is responsible for it why she could be ultimately stopped in the end. Only because Starlight brought herself into emotional distress again by reminding herself on her past with showing Twilight what happened, she began to soften up, making it possible for Twilight to get through to her before she had destroyed the scroll.
So, ultimately, even though Twilight managed it to convince her to give up, it was in a sense Starlight who defeated herself, at least partially. Which is a clear flaw, a villain who defeats herself because her tragic past makes her emotionally vulnerable.
Anyway, I can't go into detail about what will or will not happen with Sunny Spirit later on, as to not spoiler my story, but the role I envision for her is mostly Flurry Heart's best friend who is there for her in hard times and builds her up when it's needed, into that much detail I can get.
But either way, whatever happens or doesn't happen with Sunny, don't worry too much about this.
I can take criticism, no matter if constructive or not, very well and I'm someone who goes with Dave Polsky's philosophy here:
"I'm not a big fan of having to defend my work. If people don't like it, they don't like it. [...] It's okay if you don't like the
episodefic, it really is okay, but I don't wanna be in a position where I have to defend theepisodefic against someone who didn't like it. You don't like it, you don't like it, I can't do anything about that."As I heard this from him when I watched the video, I was deeply impressed how professional he answered on this, without getting angry and letting the situation slip out of control, but also without budging about his personal, artistic vision and defending it against unfair criticism and an unprovoked attack, so I decided to live by this myself as an author.
Of course, that guy up there in the video is one of the worst examples of a fandom member, one I which I hope to never meet for one of my own stories even though I could handle the encounter (although I technically already met one once), and the quote isn't aiming at you.
This is just a demonstration and explanation of how I would approach "difficult questions" like the one in the video, if any particularly entitled readers would show up here and roast my story.
I accept and value constructive criticism, but I also preserve myself the right to reject any criticism if it isn't constructive, and more akin to a particular reader trying to get me to write what he wants to read, or if I know that the criticized aspect of the story is something that is really vital and crucial for it and serves a purpose, and is therefore not an actual flaw, aka, part of what I envisioned for it and what makes my story, my story.
In short terms, I accept criticism of things where I have actually done something wrong and that improves my story, but I would also reject criticism if it isn't suited to improve my writing or if applying a change would go against my vision and the story's intended purpose and against my artistic integrity as an author.
Many things in storywriting are subjective, therefore every author is doomed to have certain things in his stories that some people won't understand/like, but in the end, it is not only important to listen to constructive criticism, but also to know when to stand up for your story, draw a line and turn a critique down. Even if, in the worst case, it pisses off this particular reader and he leaves and stops reading then.
For every author, there's always a point somewhere where he has to decide what is more helpful for the story; applying changes based on a certain criticism, or sticking to the original vision, because in the end, it's the author who knows his story and what he wants to do with it (granted that the author has properly planned the story and wasn't lazy about this) the best.
So, this is my stance towards complaints against my stories. "You don't like it, you don't like it, I can't do anything about that (, because trying to do so would make my story, your story)."
I'm still willing to explain my motivations behind writing something to a reader, though, in hope to get the reader to understand what my goals and intentions are with a particular story element or character, unless it's an extreme case like the one Dave Polsky had to encounter at BUCK 2014, and I still have faith that most of my readers will understand such an explanation then.
So, again, don't worry about this.
I can handle the reactions and even if the Mary Sue armada should storm the comments here, I'm sure they will find other characters of the story they enjoy, even if they don't like Sunny.
And if there's anything in my stories that seems wrong to you, please point it out and be mercyless.
But also keep in mind that it's maybe something I won't change anyway, because it's an important element of the story and something that is just necessary for my story specifically and without which the story wouldn't work anymore they way I intend it.
7430203 Oh I wasn't complaining when I said that Flurry shouldn't be excited about school, I was just being sarcastic.
As for you giving too much details, I can give you examples: The kind of lessons Flurry hates and likes. You dedicated paragraphs to explaining that part, and that can be distracting. Instead, you could've "showed" us. For example, let Flurry and Sunny have this conversation:
Sunny: "Are you okay? "
Flurry: "I'm fine. I just ...you know how much I hate Maths."
Sunny: "Yeah. But come on, you can survive until the Magic Theory lesson. I know you like that one."
Flurry: "I'm not sure I can survive. I just wish we could have Magic Theory and Magic History lessons back to back in one day. That would be amazing!"
See? Did you need to be told that Flurry hates Maths but likes Magic Theory/History? The dialogue explained it all. Or you could've had Flurry talk in her mind:
Flurry glanced at the board, groaning upon the sight of the numbers she hated so much. "Great! First Magnolia, then detention, and now Maths? Can this day get any worse?" She thought. "Why can't the first lesson of the day be Magic Theory or Magic History? Isn't wrong to start the day with something a little enjoyable?"
You get my point now? The same thing could be said about the first chapter when you explained how the events of S6 premier were altered in history books. It could be shorter, like this:
Flurry loved to read how Sunburst helped defeat the monster that destroyed the Crystal Heart. Thanks to him, Twilight and her friends, the Crystal Empire was saved from eternal winter.
Don't change the parts I criticized, what's done is done. But keep what I said in mind when writing the following chapters.
As for Sunny, give me one flaw she has. Just one, and I'll forget about it.
...wait, Pvolsky was once attacked by a hater?! What happened?
great story its just my own head canon tells me that Aunt Luna would have intervened in dream that bad
7430414
I understand what you mean now. I personally can't see what would be distracting about these parts, but I do understand the importance of "Show vs. Tell". Personally, I think both ways to write are important for a good story; you need to have parts that SHOW something (I like to use this when I describe how a character feels), but an overall narrative that explains what a character likes or hates or simply something from the past or something that happened elsewhere (unless it fits better if a character who witnessed the event tells someone else about it) is something of value too and can be engaging to read if it's written in an exciting way.
Both ways have their value really. I also prefer longer narratives (read: a few short paragraphs, no site long narratives, that's boring to read indeed) if I write them, especially if they explain something significantly important, like Flurry Heart's destruction of the Crystal Heart.
I'm still learning the finesses of Show vs. Tell, but overall, I try to find a balance between narrative (Tell) and dialogue (Show), as I think both ways are important.
Based on your input, I have decided now to give this story a thorough read and to pay close attention to this, to make sure that I have managed it to create this balance, once I have finished it. For now, though, I will continue writing it and make my judgement about the balance when I have the full picture that I can read in one go and then use the results of the observations made for the next story I will write.
One thing that interests me, though, from what do you feel the two narrative parts you mentioned distract you in particular?
Wouldn't happen. I have the philosophy to never rewrite what I've once written, to be able to see how I made progress and improved.
I only broke this rule once, and that only because I continued writing a fic with its second chapter a very long time after I wrote the first one, so the changes in quality would have been too visible, and also because this fic is an especially dear one to me and I imagine it to be my Magnum Opus one day, so I had to improve Chapter 1. I still kept a copy of the original chapter, though.
I have linked the video showing the incident with the quote by him that I included in my last comment.
Hmm..... See, I value your willingness to help me to improve with your feedback, but we're about to cross the fine line between suggestion/feedback and demand a tiny bit here, so let's not go there, shall we?
I'll forget about reading this line.
7430449
That's no headcanon, this is a very valid point you bring up here. It's true, Luna would help a little filly in its nightmares. But Luna, even with how powerful she is, can't be in every nightmare and there are lots of foals living in Equestria. And since Cadance and Shining Armor couldn't know that Flurry Heart would have such a nightmare, they had no time to ask Luna to come and give Flurry Heart preference.
Thanks for taking the time to read it! Chapter 10 will arrive next week.
7430898
many of my favs, have fallen silent during the hiatus which lifts this weekend .
just keep up the good work
7430897 I'm not demanding. You said Sunny wasn't a Mary Sue, so that means she had at least one flaw. I failed to see that flaw, so could you please show it to me?
...
Sweet Celestia, this got became some Secret-of-NIMH dark there! It almost made me cry, man! Thank goodness it was only a dream!
I can't spot the movie reference. Dang it!
Oh, and please don't let us wait too long for the next chapter!
Holy crap if Flurry was my daughter I'd've pulled her out of this school! She is obviously near a mental breakdown! or shining could accompany her to school the next day to pull her out of trouble, or a guard or something. Also, she really should tell shining the details of her dream.
7432060 My thoughts exactly!
Geez, this girl is too sweet to have to go through all of this.
I can only imagine what this is going to do to her in the future.
Are you facing trouble with the next chapter?
Also, I tried peanut butter with tomato slices and oh my gosh, it was delicious! Thanks to Flurry for the idea!
7455181
It's almost ready to get published. Give me an hour (give or take 10 minutes).
Guess what I just bought and will eat today.
It will be sufficed for this next chapter. 