A Beginner's Guide to Heroism

by LoyalLiar

XXVII - Plans Fall Apart

XXVII
Plans Fall Apart

Graargh and I walked the streets of River Rock completely uninhibited. It was a pleasant surprise only in as little as it was a surprise at all. For all of how furious Cyclone probably still was at me, Blizzard wasn’t with me to be a recognizable face, and I had only been in the city two days on my last stop.

Not unlike my previous visit, the city felt dead. I crossed nopony while walking the streets. Most of the windows in the brick-and-stone buildings were dark, curtained and windowed if not boarded up entirely. The massive width of the streets kept the city from feeling claustrophobic or horrifying, but the space only amplified the surreal quality of the empty streets.

Fortunately for my growing paranoia, that hollow sensation only lasted until we reached what I would call the ‘docks’ district. Graargh and I crossed to the other side of a particularly wide street, and suddenly there were ponies. Certainly, they were dour, frozen ponies in heavy coats with heavy glares, but they were ponies nonetheless. Porters moved large barrels and dragged carts, sailors worked cranes and walked up and down gangplanks. The city lived, even if it was only a tiny spark of the warm glory I had heard of in stories and witnessed at least through windows in Clover's memories.

Graaaagh seemed uneasy with the sudden onset of civilization, and clung close to my side, which certainly made the little guy easier to keep track of in the slight crowd. It also didn’t hurt he had become a little green colt as soon as we entered the city, rather than his much more distracting ursine form. Admittedly, given his attitude, I had a growing suspicion he hadn’t intended to take that form, but if his nervousness at the dead city worked to keep us from getting noticed, I wasn’t going to complain I pushed on, offering a few smiles as I squeezed through the masses toward the river, and getting glares and frowns in return. And then, finally, in place of faces, I found the river.

Which is to say, I put a foreleg forward past a particularly large seaweed merchant, found no surface below said hoof, and scrambled backwards to avoid a quick dive into very cold water.

“Alright, well, here's the river, Graaaagh. We need to pick a ship. Got any favorites?”

“Just want to go,” Graaaagh told me in reply

I donned a little grin and ruffled his mane. “Good use of ‘to’ there. You're learning.”

Graaaagh smiled much more honestly than I could seem to manage. “That boat good?”

“Only one,” the gruff voice of the seaweed merchant I had stepped past interjected. As I turned to catch his eye, he simply nodded toward the ship. “You’re Equestrians, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” I lied.

“Stand’s out. Nopony who lives in River Rock dresses like that,” he explained, glancing down at my jacket, before returning a squinting, wrinkled gaze to my eyes. “The River’s narrow, and rapid, and rocky at parts. Bargeponies run up and down the river, but barges won’t cross the sea. Most sea ships are too deep, can’t manage the new ice. Captain of that ship’s a unicorn, breaks the ice with her horn. It’s the only ship that goes straight from River Rock to Platinum’s Landing.”

The vessel in question had three obvious desirable traits apparent to me it a glance. Firstly, unlike so many of the boats visible on the shore, its hull looked genuinely wooden and entirely uncheeselike. Secondly, I could see a few passengers disembarking in addition to crates of cargo, so I could trust the captain to accept passengers. Third, and perhaps most importantly, the vessel was fundamentally boring. Unlike a few brightly painted vessels from the Horseatic League or the Equestrian merchant-marine, the boat I was focused on was just a plain brown ship with blank white sails.

It took a bit of effort, but Graaaagh and I muscled our way through the crowds to that ship’s gangplank, and after a few moments waiting for a clear path, I scampered up on deck.

“Hey, colt, what are you doing?”

“Looking to charter passage,” I told the sailor who addressed me. “Four… Rather, I guess it's really three passengers. No substantial cargo. We're headed to whatever Equestrian port you go to first.”

“Platinum's Landing,” the generic sailor muttered. “Captain's below in the hold; she'll know the price for you.” The sailor tossed his head in the direction of a flight of stairs down, set into the middle of the ship.

“Much appreciated.” Graaaagh and I made our way into the hull of the vessel, where an overpowering stench of salt and sweat accosted us. On the other hoof, though, at least it was warm. We fought our way in cramped hallways toward the rear of the vessel, past ponies carrying barrels and crates, until my shoulder pressed against something decidedly harder. It felt like stone.

In the chaos of the busy ship, the crystal pony beside me didn't even glance in my direction, but I felt a chill in my gut at the familiar glint. I glanced backward over my shoulder to check for any other crystals, and I dared to sigh in relief when the coast was clear. No sooner did I turn around in the narrow hallway, though, before another door opened between me and the stairs up onto the deck.

Silhouette walked out, fully armored in her lithe leather, and glanced at the other crystal pony I'd passed. Only at a second glance did I recognize the mare as another of her military lackeys.

“Are we all disembarked?” Silhouette asked over the general din of the ship.

I wasn't about to stand there and risk being spotted just to eavesdrop, so I ducked into the nearest cabin I could find.

Trust my luck that, only a second later, I found myself face-to-face with an old… well, friend would be a bit disingenuous, and nemesis might be too strong. Perhaps the best metaphor I can offer is a recurring rash, like scabies.

You might recall Side Effect from the first chapter of this narrative, but if you don’t, that’s fine. I had to flip back to that to remember her name while writing, if I’m being honest. However, as a younger stallion, I did at least recognize her as a member of the Crystal Union’s military by her uniform, despite her (like me) not actually having a crystalline coat. In fact, I realized this fact so swiftly that before either of us had a chance to say anything, I delivered a hoof directly to her jaw.

I’ve never been much of a hoof fighter, but the sheer value of surprise from the sudden assault bought me enough time to stun her. The surge of fatigue from my second spell of the day, after turning Angel into a facsimile of Cyclone, left me briefly dizzy and panting for breath.

“Morty, why you hit her?” Graargh asked.

I gestured with a hoof to her cuirass. “She’s a crystal pony soldier. She wants to arrest me, just like Silhouette from Lübuck. Do you remember that?”

“With wax ponies, yes. Remember.”

“Right… she’s out there in the hall. She’ll come in looking for Side Effect in a minute…”

Graargh shrugged. “Magic?”

It was a decent suggestion for the little colt, but I had to shake my head. “If I cast another spell, I’ll pass out. Like her. Even if I disguised myself as her, two unconscious Side Effects is only going to make problems.” I glanced to the small porthole in the wall of the ship’s cabin, but it was far too narrow to accommodate even my skull with its horn still attached.

“I play pretend?”

“Sure, whatever,” was the nicest thing I could think to say in reply. Graargh responded to that by scrunching up his face and bloating up his cheeks with air, for however that was going to possibly help. I considered teleporting out of the room, but the porthole only gave me a view of the river, and I hardly imagined I would be much better off unconscious in the freezing water than I would be just confronting Silhouette directly. Inverting gravity was right out. Perhaps…

My train of thought came to a screeching halt with a hammering on the door. “Effect, get your flank out here right now, or so help me—!” The door started to creak open.

I slammed myself against the door at the sound of Silhouette’s voice, and the full force of my weight was just barely enough to push back the much stronger mare.

“What in Tartarus? Soldier, if you don’t open this door, so help me—”

In a display of absolute brilliance, I did my best to emulate her voice. “I’m changing!”

Clearly, I hadn’t thought that one through, as Silhouette made clear. “You think I care how armored you are? And what’s wrong with your voice?”

“I’m… not feeling great?”

Silhouette responded, after a brief but disconcerting silence, by slamming her weight against the door. I was tossed back a few inches before I pushed myself back into place.

“Open this door, Soldier! That’s an order! The Queen’s furious for waiting as it is!”

That sentence escalated things quite a bit. I swallowed nervously.

And then the impossible happened, in a way that very nearly gave me a heart attack.

“Sorry, Silhouette. Almost ready. Just take second.”

The voice was Side Effect’s, despite the odd grammar, and when I turned around, I very nearly died. Side Effect was conscious, standing immediately behind me, and smiling innocently.

“I do good, Morty?” she whispered. Or, rather, he…?”

“...Graargh?” I whispered back. For that question, I got a nod. I glanced over to the floor, where Side Effect was still lying unconscious from my stunning spell. She still had her armor on, despite Graargh wearing what appeared to be an exact replica. “What did you…?” I realized I was on the verge of revealing myself, and let the question die incomplete.

“Alright, that’s it!” said Silhouette outside. In a move of desperation, I lunged behind the where the door would open… only to realize that the real Side Effect’s body was still right there in the middle of the floor, in plain sight.

To my simultaneous amazement and dread, Graargh resolved the problem in the only way he could: opening the door and walking straight out to join Silhouette.

“Side Effect!” Silhouette shouted at point blank, mere inches from me but hidden from my sight. I clenched my teeth. “What has gotten into you?”

“Sorry,” Graargh offered, hanging his head. Or maybe ‘her’? If it was the same effect he used to turn into a bear, then the form might not be an illusion…

Was Graargh a spirit?

“I don’t have time for apologies. Just get on deck! We’re headed to see Commander Cyclone with the Queen, and she’s pissed as it is.” There was a moment of silence in which I saw Graargh offer a slight nod. “Go!” Silhouette slammed the door shut as Graargh walked away.

Had she honestly not seen Side Effect on the floor? Were we really that lucky?

It didn’t matter, of course. I couldn’t let Graargh’s grammar reveal him—especially if Silhouette decided the little shapeshifter was a monster instead of an innocent young… well, whatever he was. I listed at the door to make sure nopony was still right outside, and then slipped out to follow them. They had already left the ship’s bowels, and by the time I reached the deck between the porters and crew of the ship itself, Silhouette had already gathered a formation on the street beside the river. Queen Jade herself was at its head.

As Graargh Jade, and Silhouette hustled away toward the gray, cloudy sunlight of Stalliongrad, Silhouette’s directions started to sink into my mind.

“Oh no,” I dared to speak aloud.

---

I don’t know if I have words to describe the rampant paranoia I felt as I tried my best to be nonchalant in trailing a massive group of crystal soldiers through the streets of River Rock. Foremost, I’m terrible at being nonchalant. When you look as good as I do, and have as much awareness as I do about one’s apparel, grooming, and so forth, it tends to be hard to blend into a crowd. Usually, that’s a desirable quality.

Usually.

Thankfully, it’s fairly difficult for any ‘normal’ pony, even one as handsome as yours truly, to garner attention in the presence of an alicorn clad in full battle regalia. Jade looked as ferocious as ever, her crystalline coat glinting beneath her teal-painted suit of barding plate. I recall at the time reflecting that, having set eyes on Cyclone’s enormous oar of a blade, Jade’s weapon seemed wholly reasonable by comparison. Even her stunted wing and cracked horn managed to carry a regal and militant appearance.

All these qualities added to the speed at which the denizens of River Rock who had gathered around the bustling docks to see her subsequently rushed and even dove out of her path. The equine masses then remained parted as Jade’s procession followed her: Silhouette in her stunning leather armor, and at least two dozen other crystal soldiers in proper mail that more closely matched their monarch’s. I could spy Graargh in the middle of that mass, one sentence of mangled Equiish away from giving up an otherwise frighteningly perfect disguise.

Somehow, we made it most of the way to the palace before everything went to Tartarus in a handbasket.

At the end of a long street, the most opulent of River Rock’s homes butted up against the main gate that led into the fortress of Burning Hearth itself. There, two of Cyclone’s armored legionaries carried spears and shields, which they rapidly crossed over the entrance at the sight of an oncoming, and apparently unexpected force.

“Gentlestallions,” Jade greeted them. I used to think her voice was regal despite the obsession that had gripped her throughout my youth. Now, it mostly sounded bitter, but at least it was loud enough for me to hear a building’s length away. “You have my apologies for not coming announced, but I promise I come in peace. I’ve hardly brought an army. Just an escort.”

“Why are you here?” One of the stallions asked in reply.

Silhouette elected to field that question. “We’re looking for a fugitive. Unicorn stallion, about my age. He isn’t actually shiny, and he’s kind of sexy—” I took no small joy at the look Queen Jade gave her military commander upon hearing that comment. Silhouette continued unabated. “But if you’ve met who I’m talking about, you’ll probably know him for being a gigantic prick.”

“Morty not stab anypony with horn!”

I slapped my own temple with a hoof so hard that I briefly worried some of the crystals might have heard the clap it made. Thankfully, they were too distracted by Graargh’s surreal grammar coming out of Side Effect’s mouth to notice the noise.

“Soldier, what is wrong with you?”

Silhouette stepped in front of Jade, holding out a hoof. “Everypony, back! Ring formation, blades on!”

Like a carefully crafted machine, the soldiers slid out into a ring, surrounding Graargh.

“Explain,” Jade ordered firmly.

“Coil has a pet bear. He claimed it was a werebear, whatever that means. I don’t know what he did to Side Effect, but the thing spoke broken Equiish like that when I captured him, back in Lübuck.”

“You believe Coil replaced one of your soldiers?” Jade asked, raising a brow.

“I wouldn’t put that kind of a stupid idea past him. He’s probably close by, though. He cares too much about this… thing. He came and tried to rescue it from me back then, and he was out of spells at the time.” Silhouette chuckled. “Actually, I’ve got an idea.” Then, though I was perfectly close enough to hear her speaking before, she tilted her head back and shouted at the top of her lungs. “Coil, get your flank out here! We’ve got your grizzly bear.”

Remember how this story is titled A Beginner’s Guide to Heroism?

I stepped out from the alleyway. “Hello, Silhouette. Your majesty.”

“Coil.”

“He goes by ‘Morty’ now, your majesty,” Silhouette added. “Apparently he wants to literally make an ass of himself.”

Jade didn’t seem in the mood for humor. Her magic gripped the handle of her sword, drawing it calmly from its sheath. “I’m not waiting for a noose this time.”

I took a step back, and then two, lighting up my horn in preparation to teleport away as I had before.

Silhouette clicked twice with her tongue and walked up to stand next to Graargh. “Are you certain you want to leave her majesty alone with your little friend here, Coil? She seems to need to take her anger out on somepony.”

“...no, Silhouette. I don’t.”

Jade frowned. “Any last words?”

I coughed into a hoof as Jade walked forward, looming over me with all the metaphorical might and literal mass of a crystal alicorn in full armor. “Well, for starters, your majesty, you have a terrible sense of time. The last time you asked that question I told you to wait fifty years. It hasn’t even been fifty days yet.”

Jade raised her sword suddenly, and I admit I winced as I shrunk back. “Also, hold on! I wouldn’t do that here!”

“If you are about to tell me about the mess you are likely to make—”

“I’m talking about politics.”

Jade’s sword swung down, and stopped a hair’s breadth from my coat. I jumped just a little bit—thankfully, away from the blade. As I felt the chill of the metal against me, she leaned forward. “Speak, Coil.”

“Silhouette got into an awful lot of trouble with the Equestrians for trying to capture me on their soil without contacting them first. Are you certain you want to try Cyclone?”

“Cyclone rules a collapsed city. A ghost of what this city once was.”

I nodded very carefully, so as to avoid slicing my neck open. “I’m sure he’d agree with you. But nevertheless, he does rule it. And, perhaps more importantly, he rules it with a bunch of Cirran legionaries who used to specialize in killing crystal barbarians.” Jade winced at the word, and probably foolishly, I grinned back. “Now, I don’t mean to insult your forces… well, no, that isn’t true. I absolutely mean offense when I say that your little force isn’t exactly an army. Instead of Halite or his predecessor that Wintershimmer made into a ‘mosaic’, you’ve got Silhouette, who has literally never led a battle.”

“How do you know that?” Jade asked with a quirked brow.

The question was lost, however, in Silhouette’s self-conscious complaint. “I have led battles!”

I glanced up at the Queen’s cracked horn, and then along her back to her missing wing. “It’s my medical opinion that you should stop while you’ve got a head. See, you’re older than I am, and you were around for these battles before I was even born. But I know enough history to know that apart from the Butcher himself, Cyclone is probably the pony you most need to be afraid of. You absolutely could decapitate me right now, and I really couldn’t stop you.” I paused. “Well, that isn’t quite true. In the time since we last met, I learned how to rip out souls like Wintershimmer, and I could get that spell off before you cut me. But I don’t need to. The problem is that then you’re gambling Cyclone won’t take any sort of offense at you. In his city. Where he has an army, and you barely have a mob.”

Jade raised a brow. “So you want me to go and speak to Cyclone first?”

“I’m quite literally betting my life on it. Cyclone and I have more in common than you might think.”

“You’re both treasonous monsters,” Jade growled.

“Your majesty, he’s bluffing.” Silhouette approached, stopping on Jade’s wingless side. “Just finish him.”

“No,” Jade answered, sheathing her sword. “He is likely bluffing, but after the incident we’ve faced from your actions in Equestria, Silhouette, it would not be wise.” Then, reaching over to Silhouette, the gigantic monarch’s hoof lifted off my nemesis’ void crystal amulet. “I only need to ensure his magic doesn’t spare him another encounter with justice.”

Clearly, my act was getting old; I had absolutely been planning to have Graargh sprint to safety, and then escape Jade exactly as I had in my first flight from the Crystal Union.

A pit formed in the depths of my gut as I realized I was actually going to have to lay my fate at the hooves of Cyclone, a stallion whose daughter I had at least ostensibly foalnapped.

Comments

[RoboRed]

...The best laid plans...

[RexDraconum]

Well, this is going to go well.

[djthomp]

“Morty not stab anypony with horn!”

Thanks for that defense, Graargh.

Hey, maybe Cyclone won't be murderous for once. It could always happen.

[PonyList]

The voice was Side Effect’s, despite the odd grammar, and when I turned around, I very nearly died. Side Effect was conscious, standing immediately behind me, and smiling innocently.

Oh my god I forgot about the earlier hint that Graagh was a changeling