• Member Since 18th Jan, 2013
  • offline last seen Aug 26th, 2018


I write books, make indie games, love Pokemon and FIM, and have a Ko-Fi, please give me money. Currently working on: Pokemon InfraRed and UltraViolet.


In this world, there are ponies with amazing talent, incredible abilities, and great skill.

Coral is not one of those ponies.

This doesn't change when her family is taken by a birdlike beast beyond her world and imprisoned in a pocket dimension with a limited air supply, or when he gives her an ultimatum: If she enters a dangerous ancient temple legendary in his world for its difficulty, a magical anomaly filled with traps and puzzles that only the pure of heart can enter, and succeeds in taking its treasure and bringing it to him, he will give her family back to her. Besides, it's not like this pony will lose anything when the temple's magic resets her every skill back to the baseline average for a Pegasus upon entry. It's do or die, and she has seven days before her family runs out of air. Can Coral get her family back before it's too late?

Chapters (2)
Comments ( 18 )

Will this story have sex(off screen or otherwise), the implication of sex, or any sexy moments?

7174914 ...No. Why would you think that? Did the site mess up the tags?

I have to admit, the description caught my eye as a promising crazy adventure. However, the execution is not very pleasant for eyes. You start with huge exposition packed into overly long sentences. Just look at the first two sentences:

Coral woke with a start when the bare-looking homemade magic radio beside her sea-blue bed snapped on at just the right moment, exposed wires sparking for a moment as bronze gears sluggishly began to turn, their recycled transmuted tin and iron friends doing the same. A tinny and rather distorted replica of the blaring, repetitive, gratingly loud, infuriatingly simple in-your-face tune played on trumpets, the tune repeated ad nausea that heralded the arrival of her least favourite wrestler ever, was sent into her face through small and weak speakers, her closed eyes snapping open to reveal eyes with ordinary black pupils quickly shrinking in shock.

Written like this, the reader feels overloaded with information. Given how far from the original 'topic' of the sentence you go there, the reader is probably lost and doesn't know how did the sentence start. Thus he/she needs to read it more that once - that is turning point for many, especially in the very first sentence. The rest presses on, mostly ignoring the information because it's simply impossible to comprehend all that. Your poetic style of writing is nice and fresh, but when it intertwines with what I said above, it's not really helpful in understanding and the other issues block its enjoyability...

So, what to do with it? One option is filtering out the redundant information ('ordinary black pupils' for example) and leaving some more vital info for later - the description of blue bed sheets for example. You mention them many times later, better concentrate the descriptions into one, max two points. Another option (preferably combined with the first one) is splitting the long sentences into a bunch of shorter and simpler ones. Also, try to split those blocks of text into smaller paragraphs.

That was a great issue for me while reading the chapter, resulting in occasional stops when I have seen a glimpse shorter dialogue. The siblings-teasing-each-other was really nice and well-written, but it all went down for me in the point where the manga, anime and other references started. Given I have never seen/read or even heard of those, it was time for me to start moving again. Also, how did all these clearly human stories get to Equestria in the first place?

My last point goes to direct speech. When you have a speaking action that follows the direct speech, just like in:

“Uh... Yeah.” Coral said.

There shouldn't be a full stop at the end, but a comma (punctuation such as question/exclamations marks is completely okay to be there). So, it should look like this:

“Uh... Yeah,” Coral said.

Speaking about those action verbs... try to avoid overusing some of them. 'Wondered' for example.

Everything clear? Do you have any questions?
Good luck in your writing!

7953424 Thank you! It's been a while since I wrote this old thing, but I can still learn from it.

As for the references to human manga... I like those and thought it'd fit the tone, since both characters are massive nerds. It seemed to be a way of showing that, rather than simply telling it. Besides, trying to come up with some generic caricature of all anime cliches and frequently-used concepts would be even more awkward, as nobody would have ever heard of "Super Ninja Pirate Catgirl Battleshipgirl Stand-Off Z"

7+ is an age rating usually given to games "Too violent" for the 3+ age rating, but... it's not real violence. There might be rocket launchers and guns and chainsaws and hammers and swords and axes, but they're used to fight monsters or robots or demons or whatever and there's no real gore. I bet if the Ratchet and Clank trilogy was released today, it'd be rated 7+.

So far, other than a few grammatical mistakes, this story is looking good. Don't have a clue why so many people disliked this. Anyways, we shall see how this goes.

My stories had their scores spezzed a while ago.

Anyone that thinks something is too complicated, or lesser for being too complicated, is a fool. While many plans with too many moving parts naturally become exponentially more likely to fail the more chances there are for the plan to fail, as basic logic dictates, nothing is 'Too complicated' if that complication is ENTIRELY NECESSARY, or could be necessary.”

Not quite with you on that one. Sometimes complication is necessary, but where it isn't, I find it to be a nuisance. It's why I prefer standard over automatic; hydraulic over electric; carbureted over efi.

I also agree with you. Complication and simplicity aren't inherently good or bad things, and things should only be as complicated as they have to be to function at maximum efficiency.

Hmm. I rather like this story. It didn't catch my attention as much as your other stories, and I struggled to stay interested toward the end, but overall a pretty well-written story.

I know, right? Still, you'd be amazed at how many people think complicatedness is an inherent design flaw and that everything needs to be as dumbed-down and simplified as possible. One button on a phone worth using, one result given when using a search engine, all that crap.

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