• Member Since 7th Sep, 2015
  • offline last seen Dec 24th, 2018

orioncorey


I have a dream... That I can write fanfiction. A really, really ridiculous dream.

T

This is my first story, so please tell me if there's anything wrong or minor mistakes.
Also, set in the displaced multiverse. I'm sorry! :raritydespair: I like the ones I've read, and I like the idea!


My name is Manus Evans! But, please, just call me Manus. I'm telling you this because I just had to buy the set of items from the "merchant".

It seemed like a pretty good deal at the time! It was a huge box of collector's edition stuff from Dark Souls, a pretty awesome game. It had some of my favorite parts in it, too, only for $100!

Too bad it got me sent here.
I mean, I'm a brony, so getting sent to Equestria is pretty cool. I also got to help create it. But, that was 6.4 billion years ago. I'm forgotten now. I haven't been gone that long! But, I've been in multiple forms while I was... napping. I've been in Luna's collection for some-odd thousand years now as an action figure. I've been asleep for a few million years.

And I'm waking back up.

More tags may be added as story progresses. Also, I need a proofreader, please.

Also, AGAIN, sorry if you don't like displaced fics, but please don't hate.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 64 )

Like the start and will see where this goes...The thing about OP character stories is that they either is crap or extremely good since the story have to focus on something else to remain interesting while an average story can still scrape by with good choreography in fight scenes (something this kind can't really do since it usually ends too quickly). I only have two "complaints" so far in the form of constructive criticism: first of there is too many Point of view changes, don't take me wrong a pov change can be good if done in style but when you press in as many as you can fit in a story you usually only distract the readers from the actual plot. Something to think about is if you remove all lines with an pov change do you actually change anything (but keep the lines they are classy as hell), for example

If you take this part
It looked back at me, and said, “I’m Manus, also known as the Primordial god of Wisdom, and it’s a pleasure to meet you. Appreciate it if you don’t attack me. Shall we step inside for a chat?”.
Manus’ POV, 3 minutes later, Royal Castle throne-room
Well, these ponies are… skittish.
And turn it into this
It looked back at me, and said, “I’m Manus, also known as the Primordial god of Wisdom, and it’s a pleasure to meet you. Appreciate it if you don’t attack me. Shall we step inside for a chat?”.
(3 minutes later) Well, these ponies are… skittish.
What actually change?

The reader can figure out that there is a new pov without you telling them simply by reading, and a subtle hint such as a line is usually enough. A vissible pov where the author shows it straight can be good if done correctly, but as a role of thumb you should not have more than one of them per chapter unless every chapter is a 10k beast (and if you do it usually helps to have a clear reason why you write in such a fashion).

The secound Point is that you use too many contractions such as I'd, I've and I'm (amongst others). While it can be used to show how a person is speaking it usually is a good idea to minimize the ammount of them in descriptions and thoughts (unless used in a character who frequently uses them) from third person perscectives since otherwise the writing simply seems..... lazy for a lack of a better word.
Again im not Writing this to be mean I only want to add constructive criticism (which im not very good at) and I am writing this because I really hope that this will be a success since it already got everything a good story in the making have and needs.

I wish you well and hope you have a good day :heart::moustache:.

This is a really good story so far, and I can't wait to read more of it. :pinkiehappy:

7224335 Thanks for the advice.
About the POV changes: That's kinda what I thought too, so I'm going to tone them down a bit. I'm thinking of making each chapter mainly in one character's view, with a few deviations here and there.

About the contractions: That's a personal problem of mine. :twilightsheepish: I'm working on that right now.

About the OP character: Yeah, he's kinda OP. Like, majorly OP. BUT... I hope to make that lessen, add some limitations and... situations. Very complicated situations.

7223741 Thanks! I hope to keep it that way!

7224021 Ask and you shall receive! New chapter in 2-3 days!

7224400 Thanks, and nice name!

7224843 I hope it stays that way for you, and I'm updating in a few days!

7224905 it signifies my hate of all caribou rapist DEATH TO ALL CARIBOU RAPISTS

Its getting boring being the only commenter :(

WHEN SCHOOL IS OVER I WILL GIVE YOU 2 MONTHS BEFORE I LEAVE THIS STORY (probably not but still its the thought that counts)

7233967 I'm definitely updating, at least tomorrow. I'm working on it right now, and I'm a fast typer.

Comment posted by Radioactive Dragon deleted May 22nd, 2016

7233965 No, you are not!

7226222 That's, like, the BEST reason for a name EVER! :pinkiecrazy:

YAY TORTURE! I CANT DECIDE IF THIS IS THE BEST STORY OR NOT!

Just stopped reading and unfavorited from the alicorn prince thing. Not going to go through such a shitty premise as that.

Yay insanity!!!

7254387 Yeah, I wasn't really happy with it either, probably not going to do it.
I seriously need to actually read through my chapters before I post them. They're degrading in quality, quickly. :twilightblush:
Thanks for being honest about your opinion.

7254717 Yeah, notice how at times he's normal(well, as normal as an immortal god can be), and at other times he's bordering on psychopathic? :pinkiecrazy: You'll see more about this... next chapter!!!

7256474

If you discard the idea, than perhaps. I will track the story, and check the chapters. If you don't do it, then I will re-favorite and continue reading.

7257892 I discarded the idea. Too many possible problems and overall sucky-ness.

The new chapter's up! I posted it early, but be warned: I had to add a gore tag, just because of it! It's some seriously messed up stuff.


7254010 Manus has some more torture in store! :pinkiecrazy: Look at the next chapter...

I just found out that I can like my own story! I would have revoked it, since it's kinda unfair, but it won't let me. :rainbowhuh:

Aaanyway... the chapter! Reasonably gory, right? Not at all depressing or psychopathic? :pinkiecrazy:

I have some big plans coming up, and POSSIBLY *wink wink, nudge nudge* a crossover with someone else's displaced fic! :twilightsmile:

Hope you enjoyed!

7262338 On a scale of 1 to 10, how messed up was that scene to you?
:pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy: 10 pinkamenas out of 10!

I think I went a tiny bit overboard, but I wanted to illustrate the difference between dark and normal Manus.

Has anyone done across over with the Author the creator of one multiverse for him to know that what he does is all happening because of a more powerful Author only for them to free the Original Author?

7262518 You can't trick me with mind puzzles! :ajsmug:
I don't think there is... But I could be wrong. People have written a lot of things on this site.

Everything about this story thus far has been fantastic! I LUST FOR MOOOOORE! :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

7267706 Thanks! :pinkiehappy: The next chapter is coming out on 6/3/16, this Friday.
Also, you get a sneak peek! You get a sneak peek! You get a sneak peek!!!
Sorry, I had to.
This is in the next chapter:
vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/warhammer40k/images/3/31/Abaddon_Despoiler_updated.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20130228044327

RRrrrrriiippp and Tear!

7268651 AAAAAH! Thank yooooouuuuu!!!
:pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

7268966 Exactly. :pinkiecrazy:

7269841 No problem! :pinkiehappy: I'm so excited about the new chapter, it's my longest yet!

dayumn gg....:derpyderp2:

okay but Nito is a weak ass bitch so, I don't see the problem with him coming up at all.

7272970 Ikr? :trollestia:

BTW, nice picture! :yay:

Hey... You know...







That's pretty Nito.
:trollestia:

7273750 No, no problem. Just that he's with the 4 kings, and he's a god of death.
And famine.
And disease.
And he can summon huge towers of bones and hundreds of skeletons.

No problem detected! :derpytongue2:

7233947 you are no longer alone my friend

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