• Published 6th May 2016
  • 12,238 Views, 203 Comments

Completely Safe in the Reference Section - Cold in Gardez



Twilight Sparkle and her friends recover an ancient book of black magic. She does the obvious thing with it.

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Excelsior's Ecstatic Codex

The gateway spell left Twilight Sparkle deaf, blind, and slimy.

The first two conditions faded after a few seconds. Sound returned first, in the form of a constant high ring, like somepony had set off a symphony of bells inside her head. In time the clamor faded, replaced by a chorus of groans, coughs, and mumbled complaints from the ponies around her.

So she wasn’t alone, at least. That was good. The gateway spell must have grabbed them all.

“Is everypony alright?” she asked. Her voice sounded distant and cottony, words overheard from the next room. Her vision reappeared – dancing purple blots, their margins alive with frantic sparkles, replaced the complete darkness. Vague shapes appeared that moved slowly around her.

“I… think so,” Applejack said. A few feet away, an orange blob sat up, topped with a sad cowpony hat. “What is this stuff?”

“It’s ectoplasm. It’s omnipresent throughout interdimensional tunnels.” Twilight lifted a foreleg, and slimy strands of goop ran down her limb to the floor. It covered them all, viscous as snot and glowing a faint green and smelling of ammonia. Her wings flicked open, tossing a shower of mucus out onto the walls.

Walls? She stopped to inspect their surroundings, which seemed to be dark, solid crystal, as was the floor beneath her. Further away, bookshelves stuffed with old tomes and cardboard boxes lined the room. Some of them had her cutie mark drawn on the side.

They’d landed in her basement. For the first time in hours, Twilight Sparkle allowed herself to smile.

“It’s not going to hurt us, will it?” Rarity asked. She scraped the slime off her chest, revealing a swath of white coat.

“It’s harmless. Ectoplasm is only metastable in real universes. It should evaporate any second now.” Twilight spat out a dribble that ran down her muzzle into her lips. “Any second now, please.”

“So, did we get it?” Rainbow Dash asked. She stood and shook, spraying them all, then trotted over to help Fluttershy stand. “I kinda lost track of things after the explosions started.”

Twilight’s smile expanded into a grin. Her horn glowed, and the heavy book weighing down her saddlebags floated out before them. The ectoplasm bubbled and fizzed where it touched the book’s cover, vanishing in thin tendrils of white unsmoke.

“We did it, girls!” She hugged the volume to her chest. It was warm and seemed to hum in time with her heartbeat. “Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex! The only copy known to have survived Luna’s Rebellion!” She rubbed her cheek against the cover. “It’s okay. You’re safe now.”

“Well, better in our hooves than that evil cult’s, I suppose.” Rarity sniffed at the ectoplasm that still clung to her and made a little face. “What are you going to do with it now? Burn it?”

“Maybe bury it,” Applejack said.

“Toss it in the ocean!” Rainbow Dash said. “During a hurricane!”

“Um, lock it someplace safe?” Fluttershy said.

“Ooh, ooh!” Pinkie slid on her belly into their huddle, sending a wave of ectoplasm across the floor. “Chop it up into confetti!”

“No, girls. None of those,” Twilight said. “There’s only one thing to do with a book like this…”

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was reading on her favorite cushion when Rarity arrived.

A week had passed since their extra-dimensional escape. It was late afternoon, and the sunlight pouring through the huge crystal windows spanning her castle library cast warm pools on the floor that moved in time with the sun. Every quarter of an hour she stopped, shifted her cushion back into the center of the sunlight, and resumed reading.

“Knock knock!” Rarity called from the library’s door. “Twilight, do you have a moment?”

“Of course, Rarity.” Twilight marked her place with a bookmark and trotted over to her friend for a quick nuzzle. “What do you need?”

“Just looking for a songbook for Sweetie. Maybe some showtunes? She’s thinking of joining the school’s theater group next year.”

“Hm.” Twilight led her over to the library’s Arts section. “All of our music-related books are here. If you see one you like, just take it over to the check-out counter.”

“Thank you, darling.” Rarity started perusing the titles, and Twilight returned to her sun-soaked reading spot.

A few cushion-shifts later, Rarity’s voice interrupted Twilight’s reading again. She looked up to see Rarity standing in the reference section with a few slender books floating in the air behind her. But her attention was on reference shelf, and she was frowning.

“I’m sorry?” Twilight said.

“I said, what is this doing here?”

Hm. Twilight closed her book again and trotted over to join her friend, who had backed a few steps away. A quick scan of the shelf revealed why.

“Oh! That’s Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex. Remember, we went on that quest last week to retrieve it from—”

“Yes, I recall.” Rarity snorted quietly, her nostrils flaring in that dainty way Twilight could never replicate no matter how many hours she spent in front of the mirror trying. “I mean, why is it here.

“Uh.” Twilight looked around. “In the library?”

“Yes.”

“It’s…” Twilight paused. Trick question? No, Rarity wasn’t like that. “It’s a book.”

“It’s dangerous. You said it was dangerous! You said it was filled with dark magic and we had to get it away from those zebras before they used it to, and I quote, ‘Unleash the End Times, raising a wave of hungry shadows that would sweep o’er the lands, leaving naught but ghosts and entropy in its wake’! You said that!”

Twilight nodded. “And now it’s safe. Thank you again for helping with that, by the way. I know the ectoplasm took hours to get out of everything.”

“Safe? Twilight, it’s in your library. Anypony could just come in and take it!”

“Oh. Oh!” Twilight started to laugh, only stopping when she realized Rarity was serious. “Oh. You’re serious. Relax, Rarity. It’s in the Reference section. You can’t check reference books out.”

Rarity stared at her.

Finally, “Twilight, dear, you know I love you, so please don’t take any of what I’m about to say as criticism. But don’t you think that’s a little… foolhardy? Anypony could walk in and read that book.”

“It’s a library, Rarity. That’s what it’s for.”

Rarity exhaled in a hiss. “Libraries are for literature, Twilight. Foal’s books, cookbooks, songbooks! They’re not for dark magic! Believe me, I’ve made enough mistakes with dark magic books. They’re not supposed to just be lying around in libraries!”

“Uh huh.” Twilight sat back on her haunches. “And where did you find the Inspiration Manifestation spellbook?”

“Well, Spike brought it to me.”

“And where did he find it?”

“In the old castle in the Everfree.”

“What part of the old castle?”

Rarity paused. “In the, ah… well, in the library. But it was in a hidden section!”

“Yes.” Twilight allowed herself a smile. This was where she won. “And I firmly admonished Spike for removing it without permission. Reference books cannot be checked out of the library.”

Rarity stomped a hoof. “You’re serious. You’re serious! You honestly intend to let anypony walk into this library, pull out this book—” here she did, floating the Codex out of the shelf and opening it before her to flip through the pages, “—and read it whenever they want?”

“As long as they don’t check it out, yes. That’s how libraries work.”

“And what if somepony just decides to walk out with it anyway?”

“I put a tracking gem in the spine. It will set off an alarm.” Wait, that was a secret! Twilight’s heart skipped a beat. “I mean, uh… don’t tell anypony that, though.”

Rarity flipped to another page and narrowed her eyes as she scanned the book. “I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit, darling. I still say you should destroy this filthy thing.” She snapped the book closed, raising a cloud of dust from the ancient pages, and slid it back onto the shelf.

Twilight winced at the rough treatment. “I appreciate that concern, Rarity, but I don’t believe in destroying books, or hiding them. The citizens of Ponyville are responsible, upstanding ponies, and I trust their wisdom and discretion. That book is quite safe where it is.”

* * *

“And then she refused to discuss it any more! She just gave me that little smug look she has – you know the one, darling, where she tilts her head back and looks down her muzzle at you while she’s smiling, like you’re some little foal who can’t work out a basic arithmetic problem without her assistance – and asked me if there were any other books I wanted. Ugh, you know I love her, of course, but she can just be so infuriating sometimes! Like she’s the smartest pony in the room and of course she could never be wrong about anything! Library this, library that, books books books. And not a single thought to how dangerous that book could be to anypony who happens to pick it up!”

“Oh, um.” Fluttershy sat silently through Rarity’s latest discourse, her tiny teacup held before her like a shield. “Well, Twilight is very smart.”

“Yes! She is the smartest stupid mare I’ve ever met!” Rarity slammed her teacup down on the table with enough force to rattle the silverware. Other patrons at the Haymarket Cafe turned to glance at them before retreating from Rarity’s scowl.

“She’s not stupid, Rarity.” Fluttershy frowned down at her teacup. “She’s just… eccentric about some things. You know how she feels about her library.”

Rarity waited before responding, long enough for the tension to seep from her tight muscles. “You’re right, of course. Please, don’t ever tell her I said that. I just wish she were more reasonable sometimes.”

“Well, maybe she’s right?”

“Maybe? Maybe? Et tu, Fluttershy?” Rarity sighed. “I’ve made that mistake, Fluttershy. I know how easy it is to let a book of dark magic seduce you. It doesn’t feel wrong – on the contrary, it feels like the most right thing ever! You feel stupid for not doing it sooner! And then, before you know it, you’re transforming half the town into a colossal mess. All because you opened that silly book and weren’t strong enough to resist.”

Fluttershy stared at her tea. She seemed to hunch down even further than normal, and her eyes darted left and right. She whispered something under her breath, so quiet Rarity wouldn’t have even known she’d spoken if she hadn’t seen her lips move.

Rarity frowned. “I’m sorry, darling?”

“I said, I’ve already read it.” She trailed off in a high mouse-like squeak.

Rarity gawked at her. “Wha.. Fluttershy! Why? Don’t you know how dangerous that is!?”

“Oh, it’s not, really. It’s just a book. I was in the library helping Twilight with the castle’s aardvark infestation, and we were waiting for the traps to cool down, and I saw it on the shelf. After all we went through last week, I was curious why the zebras were so excited about it, so I read a few pages.” Fluttershy set her tea down and rubbed the sides of her hooves together as she spoke. “It even had some ideas about how to care for special animals, but nothing evil.”

“Ugh.” Rarity rested her head on her crossed forelegs. “That’s how it starts, darling. It seems harmless. Promise me you won’t do anything that horrible book suggests?”

“Oh, um.” Fluttershy looked away again. “If it will make you feel better. I promise. It didn't even have spells, really. Just... ideas. Interesting ideas.”

Rarity gave Fluttershy a long, hard stare, enough to set the pegasus squirming. But finally she sighed. At some point friends had to trust each other, after all.

“Very good. Now, let’s talk about something more pleasant, shall we?”

* * *

“Helloooo, anypony here? Twilight?” Rainbow Dash’s voice echoed through the library. “Where are you?”

“One moment!” Twilight shouted back. She made a final note on her essay exploring the properties of unusually long-lasting ectoplasm and trotted out of her study into the library’s main room, where Rainbow Dash stood. “Hey Dash. What brings you here?”

“Eh, was wondering if you had any books on weather.”

“We have a whole bookshelf on weather!” Twilight trotted over to the natural sciences section. “Anything in particular?”

“Sorta. The weather team’s annual fair is next week and I’m in charge of the demonstration. We need something cooler than last year. Something more… hm, awesome, yeah. Awesome.”

Twilight frowned. “What about the tornado you did last year? That got everypony very excited.”

“Mayor Mare said we’re not allowed to do tornadoes anymore.” Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. “Something about liability. So I need some new ideas.”

“Well, how about Cold Front’s Philology of Extreme Weather Phenomena?” Twilight slid the fourth edition volume from the shelf. “Mind you, it’s mostly about how to pronounce the storms, but he goes into quite a bit of detail about creating them as well.”

“Hm. Maybe.” Dash flipped through a few pages, scanning them with a haphazard eye. “Mind if I look at the rest of these?”

“Of course not, Dash. It’s a library. Just let me know when you find one that looks useful.”

Somewhat to Twilight’s surprise, Rainbow Dash actually stuck around, browsing through several books while Twilight returned to her essay. Nearly an hour passed before Rainbow’s voice sounded again.

“Hey, Twilight! Twilight! What’s this?”

“What’s what?” Twilight followed Rainbow’s voice to the reference section. “Oh, that’s Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex. Remember, we went on that quest last week to—”

“Yeah, yeah.” Rainbow had the Codex out on her lap, and she turned the page slowly. “Why didn’t you tell me it had stuff about weather?”

“It has something about everything! No matter who reads it, Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex will provide dark and forbidden knowledge on the topic most relevant to that pony. Those zebras we stole it from were most interested in resurrecting Cthubl’lekth the Eyeless, so the Codex provided them with spells and techniques they could use to—”

“Yeah, okay, got it.” Rainbow flipped another page. “So you’re saying, like, if Applejack read this, it would be filled with spells and stuff about apples?”

Twilight frowned. “Applejack is a complex pony with a wide range of interests and characteristics, Rainbow. Not only is Honesty her Element and primary value, but she is also a loving, hardworking and determined mare. You can’t just condense her entire being down to ‘apples’.”

“But it would probably be apples, right?”

“Well… I mean, probably. Statistically. But there’s still a lot more to her than just apples.”

“Uh huh.” Rainbow hefted the book in her hooves. “Can I take this with me?”

“No, it’s a reference book. You can’t check out reference books.”

“Oh. Can I write some of it down, then?”

“Sure! Let me get you some paper.”

* * *

Rarity had almost completely forgotten the trouble with the codex and the ectoplasm and the dark magic lurking in plain sight in Twilight’s library when Fluttershy came to visit.

She was at work on her sewing machine, stitching cloth panels together for an airy summer dress. It was apprentice’s work, though she had no apprentices. Easy, calming. She could do it with her eyes shut.

The silver bell above her door jangled, and a moment later she heard Fluttershy’s voice from the lobby. “It’s just me, Rarity. I was wondering if you had any spare cloth I could give to my animal friends for their bedding.”

“Of course, darling.” This was not an uncommon request. She knew Fluttershy received a small stipend from the town to cover her animal-care expenses, but it wasn’t nearly enough to pay for everything her menagerie needed. So, like most of the town’s business owners, Rarity made small in-kind donations when she could. Celestia knew she went through enough fabric. “Any particular kind? I have cotton and a little bit of linen.”

There was a quiet thump from the lobby as Fluttershy opened the fabric trunk. “Do you have any asbestos?”

“Third shelf from the bottom. Make sure you wear a mask when handling it.” Rarity finished a long seam and smiled at her work.

Wait. She turned off the sewing machine and walked out into the lobby.

“I’m sorry, darling. Did you say asbestos?”

Fluttershy nodded. She had a white paper surgical mask on her muzzle and a bolt of fine bluish-white cloth in her hooves. “Oh, yes. It’s nice and soft and it won’t catch fire.”

“Yes, but why do you need asbestos? You know how dangerous it can be. You didn’t find another phoenix, did you?”

“Oh no, I learned my lesson with Philomena,” Fluttershy said. “But there are so many fire-breathing creatures in the Everfree, I figured I should be prepared to help any of them.”

“Hm, well. I don’t like the idea of you doing anything dangerous, darling.” Not to mention asbestos was much more expensive than cotton, but Rarity shoved that thought to the back of her mind where it belonged. “Do be careful with it, will you? And with whatever animals you need it for.”

“Oh, you know me, Rarity. I’m always careful!” Fluttershy’s mask dimpled, as though she were smiling behind it, and she trotted out the boutique with the asbestos balanced between her wings.

So, that was interesting. A little frown marred Rarity’s face, but after a moment she shrugged and returned to her workroom.

Fluttershy knew more about caring for animals than anypony, after all. If she said she needed asbestos, it was for a good reason.

* * *

“This is fascinating. Spike, did you know that ectoplasm can sometimes persist for weeks if it’s subjected to a high-potential magical field during translocation to real universes?”

“Uh huh. I think I read that somewhere,” Spike said. He stood on a stool next to the kitchen counter, leaning over a mixing bowl and occasionally adding handfuls of crushed rubies to the dough churning within.

“I’m surprised more unicorns aren’t already aware of that,” Twilight continued. She made a little note in the margin of the book she was reading. “It would make dimensional travel a lot less messy if we could somehow mitigate the effect.”

“Do you really think other unicorns do a lot of dimensional travel?”

“Well.” Twilight paused for a moment. “Not in this universe. But maybe unicorns in other universes do?”

“Maybe unicorns in other universes like ectoplasm. Then they wouldn’t want to make it less messy.”

Twilight frowned. “Now you’re just being pedantic.”

“No, I’m ridiculing your appeal to an untestable hypothesis by proposing another, even sillier hypothesis.” Spike removed the mixing bowl from the mixer and carried it over to the refrigerator to let the dough ferment.

Twilight’s frown flipped over into a small smile, and she walked up behind him and nuzzled the top of his head. “I taught you well, Spike.”

“Aw, thanks.” He ducked and blushed, but then wrapped his little arms around her chest in a hug. “I had a good teacher. So, when is Applejack coming over?”

“As soon as she and Big Macintosh finish up in the market. I would imagine—” the distant creak of the castle’s front door, followed by the ring of horseshoes on crystal interrupted her. “Actually, I bet that’s her now. Could you bring the tea into the library when it’s done?”

“Sure, sis.”

Applejack was browsing the genealogy shelves when Twilight reached the library. She still had her saddlebags on, and a faint sheen of sweat from the day’s work glistened in her coat. She waved as Twilight approached.

“Howdy, princess. Saw you had some traps out. Aardvarks again?”

Twilight nodded. “They just keep coming back. Fluttershy thinks it’s the crystal. Anyway, how was your day?”

“Good, good. Sold apples, made money. The usual. You?”

“Oh, listening to complaints, adjudicating minor disputes, ectoplasm research. Princess stuff.”

“Better you’n me.” Applejack sat on one of the cushions Twilight had set out for her guests. “Anyway, you’re prolly wondering why I’m here. I ran into Rarity the other day, and she had some concerns.”

“Oh.” Twilight sighed. “Let me guess. About a book?”

“Yup. One book in particular. That codex-thing we stole from the zebra cult.”

“I prefer the term ‘recovered,’ but I know which book you mean.” Twilight concentrated, and Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex floated off the shelf over to land between them. “Did she say why she was upset?”

“She spent a lot of time talkin’ about that very topic, actually. I’m guessing you’re familiar with her points so I won’t rehash them here.” Applejack nudged the book with her hoof. “So, are they true?”

“Well, she was probably correct on the facts of the matter,” Twilight said. “Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex does contain what most ponies would consider dark magic, and yes, I do have it available for study in the library’s reference section. I suppose we just disagree on how appropriate that is. Given Rarity’s history with dark magic books, I can see why she is apprehensive about them.”

“Uh huh.” Applejack delicately flipped the cover up and squinted at the first page. When it didn’t bite, she flipped through the index and the first chapter. “Lotta stuff about apples in here. Anyway, I guess Fluttershy was reading through this thing too?”

“Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, actually. And you’ll note that neither of them have been subverted by dark magic and begun twisting Ponyville into horrid mockeries of their ideal world-states.”

“Does that happen often?”

“Eh.” Twilight waggled a hoof back and forth. “Sometimes.”

Applejack slowly closed the book.

“So,” she said. “I guess my concern is that just about anypony could come in here and walk away with this thing.”

“Actually, it’s in the reference section, so it can’t be—”

“Yeah, yeah. It can’t be checked out. Rarity said that.” Applejack slid the book a few inches closer to Twilight. “But what’s to stop somepony from just stealing it?”

Twilight smiled. “Oh, Applejack. I didn’t become a librarian yesterday. We have ways to make sure nopony steals our books.”

* * *

“Fluttershy, darling, you know I don’t like to pry.”

“Oh, um, of course, Rarity.”

“And I would never intrude upon my friends’ personal lives without due consideration to their privacy.”

“Well, Rarity, sometimes you—”

“What I’m saying is, I’m concerned. You’ve been acting a little odd, lately.”

“Oh?”

“Yes, yes. It’s little things, of course. I doubt most other ponies would have noticed, but they aren’t as close friends as we are, hm? Also I like to think I’m the perceptive sort. It’s the details that matter in fashion and design, you know. Where a button fits, the look of a certain stitch, or whether two shades match in the sunlight compared with the shade. For example, I was working with a lovely bit of periwinkle fabric the other day, and it was just dreadfully difficult to pair with a beautiful sapphire ribbon I’d been saving for months. Oh, it looked fine in my shop, but whenever I took the ensemble outside the colors just clashed hideously, and I ended up having to replace the sapphire with a more subdued emerald. It didn’t have quite the same look, the same sense of unity, but in the end it worked well enough. Fortunately, I had enough of the… Oh, I’m sorry, listen to me. We’re supposed to be talking about you.”

“We are?”

“We are. Now, like I said, the others may not have noticed yet, but don’t think I haven’t! You’re spending much more time than usual in your cottage. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being a little homebound, but this is downright reclusive of you. I know you were reading that horrid book Twilight is keeping in her library, and the other day you asked me for all that asbestos. And, well...”

“Yes?”

“Well, ah. How to say this. You seem to have a few burns.”

More than a few, actually. Fluttershy didn’t seem to be injured, per se, but the left side of her mane was nearly gone, along with the coat covering her forelegs up to her knees. Little black speckles and streaks of soot painted her skin grey. Even from feet away, even over the thick steam and incense wafting up from the Lotus Luxury Spa’s hot tub they were both lounging in, Rarity could smell the ash.

“Oh, those.” Fluttershy smiled. “It’s very nice of you to be so concerned, Rarity, but I’m just fine.”

“Fine? Just fine, all scorched like that?”

“It’s just hair, Rarity. Yes, just hair, don’t look so shocked. It will grow back. But if I don’t help all of the poor animals that get hurt in the Everfree, they might die! You don’t want the poor animals to die, do you, Rarity?”

“Well, no, of course not.” Rarity said. She leaned back against the tub wall to give Fluttershy some space. “But darling, certainly you can be more careful than this?”

“I am very careful, Rarity. That’s what the asbestos was for. If it weren’t for that cloth, Smokey would have probably burned my cottage down. Then he would be homeless.”

“Smokey? Fluttershy, what sort of animal are you tending to? It’s not a dragon, is it?”

“Oh, no. Smokey is just a little salamander.”

Rarity frowned and considered that for a long moment. “When you say salamander, do you mean the small amphibian, or the large, poisonous, fire-dwelling monster?”

“Oh, Smokey’s not a monster. He’s very nice.” She paused and swatted at the water with her hoof. “But the rest is true.”

Rarity sighed. “Fluttershy, why?”

“Because if I don’t, who will?” Fluttershy sat up straighter. “There are many veterinarians in Equestria, Rarity, and plenty of ponies who can look after regular wild animals. But who can help take care of manticores or chimeras or cockatrices or salamanders when they get hurt? Nopony can, unless I learn to help them. The book said that salamanders are very calm if—”

“Wait, book?” Rarity’s eyes narrowed. “You mean the Codex, don’t you? Is that what got you on about taking care of monsters?”

“They’re not monsters,” Fluttershy said again. “No more than ponies are monsters, just because we have magic. And hurt salamanders need help just as much as hurt beavers or bears.”

Rarity shook her head. “I can’t say I agree with what you’re doing, Fluttershy. It seems very dangerous, and that book... Ugh, you can't trust anything you read in it. Promise me that you’ll at least ask us for help if you need?”

“Of course, Rarity.” Fluttershy reached out a hoof to rest on Rarity’s shoulder. “I’m not that silly or stubborn. If I ever need help, you’ll be the first to know.”

* * *

Rarity was not, in fact, the first pony to know that Fluttershy needed help with her salamander. The fire department was.

Twilight Sparkle was the second. She was emptying the aardvark traps behind her castle when Fluttershy arrived.

“Oh, hello Fluttershy!” she said. She put the empty traps in a barrel of water to cool, then trotted over to give her friend a nuzzle. “How are you? Also, why do you smell like smoke?”

“Oh, um, about that.” Fluttershy coughed, raising a puff of sooty dust from her coat. “Do you mind if we talk inside? I need some advice.”

Advice! Ponies were coming to her for advice! She was a real grown-up! Twilight swelled with joy, and she allowed herself to float on the euphoric feeling for a moment before tamping it back down into her chest. Fluttershy needed her – she could relive this moment later.

“Of course. Come on it. I’ll get you some tea. Spike! Spiiiiike! Make some tea!”

“Oh, thank you. I am a bit thirsty.” Fluttershy followed as Twilight led them into the library. Rather than sit on the offered cushion, she opted for the floor. “Less likely to stain,” she explained.

“Very thoughtful of you,” Twilight said. She poured them both iced tea from the pitcher Spike brought into the library. “Now, how can I help you?”

“Um, you remember the Codex? You said it provided magic and techniques on whatever topic was of interest to a particular pony?”

“Yes. Well, dark magic and techniques, but yes.”

“So, if a pony was desperately interested in how to find a runaway salamander, the codex might have information for them?”

Twilight tilted her head. “That’s awfully specific, but it doesn’t hurt to try.” Her horn glowed, and the Codex floated out of the reference section over to them. She opened it and set it before Fluttershy. “Anything?”

Fluttershy scanned the pages for a moment, then shook her head. “It just says to call the fire department. The dark fire department. I already did that.”

“We have a dark fire department?”

“No, just a regular one. But they’re probably the same.” She sighed again.

“Okay.” Twilight took the book back and closed it gently. “Why don’t you tell me what the problem is? Is it about Smokey?”

“It is.” Fluttershy sniffed and looked away. “He burned through his asbestos nest and escaped this morning.”

“Well, he should be pretty easy to find. Can’t you just follow the trail of ashes and smoke?”

Fluttershy shook her head. “There’s too many. He wandered into the Propane and Volatile Nitrate-based Fertilizer store.”

“Oh, oooh.” Twilight extended a wing to rest across Fluttershy’s back. “It’s okay. I’m sure he’ll turn up somewhere. Eventually.”

Fluttershy sniffed again, and her eyes glistened with unshed tears. “But what if he doesn’t? What if he got caught on one of those fireworks and launched halfway across the Everfree? I think Rarity might have been right all along.”

“Rarity?” Twilight frowned. “What did Rarity tell you?”

“She said the Codex was was evil and would lead us to ruin if we read it.”

Twilight sighed. “Fluttershy, listen to me. Rarity means well, but you know she has a history with dark magic books. I think she’s a little biased in her perspective. You can’t blame a book just because something went wrong. Nopony could have predicted Smokey would escape.”

“But maybe it was a bad idea to try keeping a live salamander in a town filled with pony homes and businesses?”

“Well.” Twilight paused. “That might be a good idea in general. But you can’t blame the book for that. Sometimes common sense is important! For example, Rainbow Dash used the Codex to plan tomorrow’s weather team fair, and I just know she used common sense and discretion. The Codex is only a guide. How we use it is up to us!”

* * *

Rarity was browsing the Ponyville weather team’s Flood Awareness Booth when Twilight Sparkle found her.

“Hello, Rarity,” Twilight said. “Do you have a moment?”

“Of course, darling.” Rarity put back the pamphlet on desert arroyos and gave the pegasus colt behind the counter a smile. “Are you enjoying the fair so far?”

“I am. Elephant ear?” Twilight floated a disk of fried dough the size of a dinner plate, topped with honey and cinnamon apples and powdered sugar, over to Rarity. A second, half-eaten one floated beside Twilight’s head.

“Hm.” Normally Rarity disdained carnival food, but the Ponyville Weather Fair only happened once a year. She grasped the floating treat in her own magic and took a dainty bite. “Mm, thank you. Don’t be offended if I can’t finish it, though.”

“I know. They’re pretty big.” Twilight grazed on her elephant ear for a bit as the two wandered through the fair, passing booths on various weather phenomena, each staffed by an earnest pegasus and their foals. “Anyway, have you spoken with Fluttershy lately?”

“Not since yesterday. I heard what happened, by the way. With her salamander.”

“Yes. It’s fortunate nopony was injured. But that’s why I wanted to talk with you. Apparently you spoke with Fluttershy about the Codex?”

“In a sense.” Rarity took a particularly large bite of her elephant ear, ending up with a smear of cinnamon apple on her muzzle. She lapped at it with her tongue and eventually managed to get most of it. “I asked her if she was alright, given how she’s looked the past few days. Apparently that Codex gave her the idea for the salamander, Twilight. Does that strike you as safe?”

“Fluttershy is a grown pony, Rarity. She can make her own decisions. Just because she got an idea from the Codex doesn’t mean the Codex somehow forced her to find a salamander and try to care for it.”

“Hm. Darling, please don’t take my demeanor for being smug. I am terribly sad about what happened to Fluttershy’s cottage and Propane and Volatile Nitrate-based Fertilizers. But I do take a certain satisfaction in being correct, and right now I feel very correct. I think you should get rid of that book before anypony else makes the mistake of reading it.”

Twilight smiled. “I’ll have you know, Fluttershy was not the only pony to read the Codex. In fact, there’s a pony here today who read it for inspiration, and we’re about to see her work.”

Rarity froze. She mentally rewound through the day, trying to imagine all the ponies who had boasted to her of some feat or other. In the end, of course, only one stood out. “Rainbow Dash?”

“Yep! She read the Codex for inspiration for this year’s demonstration.”

“Oh.” Rarity took another bite and chewed in thoughtful silence. “I thought she was doing another tornado?”

Twilight took her time before answering. She led them to the large viewing stands set up for the demonstration and found a comfy spot away from the bustling crowd. “Apparently Mayor Mare won’t let her. But Rarity, you’re missing the point! Rainbow Dash actually conducted research, and the Codex helped her! How could you be upset with that?”

“Aren’t you worried about what it taught her?” Rarity looked over her shoulder, then up at the skies. They were blue and cloudless as far as she could see. “She could have anything planned.”

Twilight shrugged. “She said it was a surprise. And, let’s be honest, it can’t be much worse than that tornado.”

“Your optimism is boundless.” Rarity finished off the last of her elephant ear, leaving nothing but a faint dusting of powdered sugar on her hooves. After a quick glance around to make sure nopony else but Twilight was watching, she wiped them on her coat. “I’ve given the matter some thought, Twilight, and I think I know why we disagree on this matter so much.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. You have a fundamentally sunny view of pony nature. You’re comfortable with giving everypony who wants access to that Codex, because you believe, in the end, ponies will make the right choices.”

“I accept, for the purpose of this argument, that you are correct.”

“Very good. I, on the other hoof, have a somewhat dimmer view of pony nature, I suppose. I think it is dangerous to put that Codex in a public library where anypony who wants can come up and discover some dangerous technique or spell. Most ponies – indeed, the majority – may make the right decisions, but what about the ponies who don’t? Doesn’t the danger posed by those ponies outweigh the intangible benefit of making that knowledge open to all?”

“I can’t agree with your characterization of free knowledge as an ‘intangible benefit,’ Rarity. I believe that making as much knowledge available to as many ponies as possible is one of the hallmarks of an open society, and as a librarian I have a responsibility to uphold that value. Ponies make mistakes, yes – that is what ponies do. But ponies learn from mistakes, too. Fluttershy may have had a bad experience caring for that salamander, but she is also a better, wiser pony for having done so.”

“Hm.” Rarity was quiet for a moment as she pondered her next move. Around them, ponies had started settling into the viewing stands in preparation for Rainbow Dash’s weather demonstration. An eager buzz built in the crowd. “But what of the potential costs, Twilight? I suppose wanting to care for injured animals is harmless, but think about all the other terrible things that book could lead to?”

“I believe we would be fine,” Twilight said. “Whatever evils ponies make, ponies of good heart can unmake.”

“Mhm.” Rarity turned toward the horizon, where a dark cloud billowed just above the trees. “Oh, it seems that Rainbow’s demonstration is about to start.”

The cloud grew, but there was something odd about it. Even from miles distant, Rarity could tell it was too small to be a real cloud. It roiled over the trees, expanding and contracting like a thing alive. A low, harsh hum filled Rarity’s ears and vibrated in her bones.

Twilight tilted her head. “Dust storm, maybe?”

“Where would she get the dust? No, I think it must be some kind of dirty snow.”

“I suppose we’ll find out in a second. Look, there she is!” Twilight pointed a hoof just as Rainbow Dash rocketed overhead. Behind her, the dark, shifting cloud drew ever closer. The ominous hum turned into a buzzsaw that set Rarity’s coat on end.

A large grasshopper, half the size of Rarity’s hoof, landed on the bench beside them. It stumbled, rolled onto its side, and righted itself with a flash of membranous wings. It sat between them for a moment, its abdomen pulsing as it breathed, and then it leapt back into the air.

Two more grasshoppers replaced it. Then a third.

A fourth landed on Rarity’s knee. She gave it a little frown.

“Oh. Oooh.” Twilight glanced from the grasshoppers back to the huge, dark cloud beginning to break over the town. Several more of the insects had landed in her mane. “Locusts. That’s not really weather.”

“No, it isn’t,” Rarity said. She had to raise her voice to be heard over the endless rattle of billions of wings, not to mention the screaming ponies fleeing through the streets. “But this gets back to my point, Twilight. That book is dangerous.”

“The book isn’t dan-phflrk! Ptew!” Twilight spat out a grasshopper and started over. She had to lean closer – the buzzing wings were so loud now that they began to take on an almost musical tone, a constant E♭ in the timbre of a falling tree. “Ugh. The book isn’t dangerous, Rarity! Ponies just sometimes make poor choices!”

“What would it take to convince you otherwise?” Rarity held a hoof over her mouth to keep the locusts out. They were the only ponies left in the stands, now. Or, at least, so it seemed – Rarity couldn’t see more than a few feet in any direction through the flashing wings.

“It’s a matter of principle, Rarity! You can’t negotiate your principles!”

Rarity sighed. She would have liked to keep arguing, but it was getting too loud to hear Twilight, even from a few feet away. Instead she stood and fumbled her way, half-blind, through the dark blizzard to her boutique.

It was time to make some plans.

* * *

Twilight Sparkle was sweeping dead locusts out of the castle foyer when Rarity arrived.

She had a large push broom borrowed from the Ponyville Parks and Recreation service. It swept the locust husks into huge piles, and she used her magic to gather them and dump them in the street, where special wagons made twice-daily visits to collect the chitinous mass and deliver it to the town’s new locust incinerator. A pall of greasy smoke blew west from the town into the distance.

On the plus side, Twilight hadn’t seen any aardvarks in days.

“Hello, Twilight,” Rarity said as she walked in. “Sorry, here you are cleaning and I’m tracking new locusts all over the place.”

“It’s fine, just wipe your hooves on the mat.” Twilight shook the broom out and leaned it against the entryway, then walked over to give her friend a nuzzle. “How have you been? I haven’t seen you since the swarm.”

“Oh, busy, like all of us.” Rarity returned the nuzzle with a smile. “But the Boutique is almost cleared out, now. Just a few rooms to go.”

“Good, good. So, what brings you by?”

“Must I have a reason, darling? Can’t I simply visit a friend?” Rarity gave her a tiny pout, then sighed. “Ah, but you’re correct. Can we go to the library?”

Twilight led the way. The closer they got, the fewer locust corpses they had to step over, until by the time they reached the library the room appeared to be completely free of the insects.

“Are you familiar with the idea, ‘Heighten the Contradictions’?” Rarity asked. She set her saddlebags on one of the library’s tables, then wandered into the reference section. As expected, she returned with Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex floating before her, and she set it open on the table between them.

“Hm, I believe so.” Twilight closed her eyes and composed her next words before speaking. “Generally, it means to make a situation increasingly intolerable by taking actions that you disagree with, but comport with your opponent’s position, in order to show how ultimately damaging their position is.”

“Yes. And we’ve agreed that I, personally, am not in favor of studying dark magic.” Rarity pulled out a sheet of drafting paper and began sketching. Her eyes darted back and forth between her paper and the Codex. “But as you can see, here I am, studying it now.”

“Ah.” Twilight smiled. “I see. You intend to use the Codex’s techniques to create something so appalling, so awful, that I will have no choice but to accept your argument that it is dangerous to leave the Codex in the library’s public collection.”

“You perceive correctly,” Rarity said. She made a sharp, dark line on the paper, and winced as she did. She closed her eyes, took a long breath, and resumed her drawing.

“Even though you, of course, believe it is wrong to use the Codex in this way. This must be very painful for you.”

Rarity shivered again. Her pencil jittered across the paper, and the tip snapped off with a squeal. She exhaled slowly, several times, and produced a new pencil from her bag.

“More painful than you can imagine, Twilight. Here! I give you the fruits of your incaution! The rotten product of your inflexible principles!” Here she held up her drawing pad and thrust it into Twilight’s face. “Look, Twilight! Behold! Dark fashion!”

Twilight gasped and flinched away, but her eyes were fastened to the page. She could not blink. Rarity’s gruesome designs seized her brain with a horrible fascination, and she felt herself drawn back in.

Black cotton shirts littered with holes.

Fishnet lace leggings.

Horseshoes as thick as a phonebook.

Collars studded with metal spikes.

And all of it black.

“No… No no no…” she mumbled. “Rarity, you can’t create these! This is monstrous! It’s an abomination!”

“This is where your principles lead, Twilight! No, don’t look away!” She forced the papers back into Twilight’s face. “You have to see it, Twilight!”

“I.. no, no! Is that mascara?!”

“Yes! Pounds of it, Twilight! All the black mascara in Ponyville! In all the world! Alienated teenage fillies will love it! And do you know what I will call this line of clothing, Twilight?”

Twilight shook her head. Everything was numb, distant, foggy. But the true horror of the moment began to well up within her chest, and she knew Rarity’s answer before the unicorn spoke.

“I will call it, Twilight Sparkle’s Pride! You’ll be famous for it, Twilight!”

“No! Noo!”

“Yes!” Rarity shouted. Tears streamed down both their faces now. “But it’s not too late, Twilight! Say the words! Destroy the book, burn it, banish it, bury it, I care not how you go about it but rid your library of this accursed thing! And I will burn these designs to ash!”

So, that was it. Rarity’s final ultimatum. Heighten the contradictions, indeed! Twilight closed her eyes and let the future wash over her.

She could see it now. Little fillies and colts, eager for knowledge, visiting her library. But she had no knowledge! For Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex was banished, censored, prohibited. And after the Codex, what other books might go? Could she stop anything from being banned? How would the shelves of her library look, emptied?

Twilight let out a long breath. “I’m sorry, Rarity. I can’t ban a book. Do what you must.”

Rarity stared at her. The blasphemous designs shook in her magical grip. For a long moment, the only sound in the room was the rush of blood in her ears and the faint, distant roar of the locust incinerator.

Rarity’s eyes fell. She stared at the floor, her sides heaving. The bundle of papers crumbled in her grip and vanished in a flash of blue flame. Ashes drifted to the crystal tiles.

“I’m sorry, Twilight,” she whispered. “I never meant to threaten you. I… I just wanted you to see how dangerous it could—urk!” She came to a sudden stop as Twilight gripped her in a fierce hug. They stood like that, silent as stones. Finally, Rarity slid to the floor, and they huddled against each other.

Breathe in, breathe out. She could smell the fear, the sweat, the locusts in Rarity's coat, but she didn't care. They held each other tight.

“It’s okay.” Twilight pressed her face against Rarity’s shoulder. “You just wanted to do what’s right. We both did. But, but… I think what really matters here is friendship, Rarity. You did the—”

“Excuse me,” a stallion’s deep voice broke into their conversation. “I see you two are very busy, but would it be okay if I checked this book out?”

Twilight blinked through her tears and looked up. A cowled zebra stood at the table, holding Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex in his hooves.

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Twilight sniffled. “That’s a reference book. You can’t check out reference books.”

“Ah, I understand. I apologize for troubling you.” He gave them both a little bow and walked away.

Twilight cleared her throat. “Now then, as I was saying. Rarity, I’m so proud of you. We both got caught up in our principles, and we forgot the most important thing – our friendship! This could have torn us apart, but when the cards were down and you saw that neither of us would back down, you recognized that our relationship, the love we feel for each other as friends, is more valuable than some silly book. I… I don’t know if I could have done that in your position.”

“Twilight?” Rarity had turned her tear-streaked face away.

“Yes?”

“Why is the library door blinking?”

Huh? Twilight followed Rarity’s gaze to the door. Above it and on either side, the large red anti-theft crystals were flashing for attention.

“Oh.” Twilight wiped her nose with the back of her hoof. “It means somepony walked out with a book they weren’t supposed to.”

“Ah.”

They were silent again for a while.

“Rarity?”

“Yes, Twilight?”

“Do you think that zebra—”

“Yes, Twilight. Yes I do.”

“Oh.” Twilight sighed. “I’ll go get the girls. Can you bail Rainbow Dash out of jail? I think we’ll need her too.”

Author's Note:

So, who was right? Marshmallow or Purple Smart? Vote in the comments below!

Comments ( 203 )

Dang it, CiG. Why do you have to go and make good stories all the time?

Georg #2 · May 6th, 2016 · · ·

Those darned Aardvarks. They're everywhere.

That was good for a pre lunch laugh

To be fair, Rarity validated Twilights posistion at the end of the argument.

Thanks for the enjoyable read, might even make the reference section.

"Twilight, get rid of that book or I'll have Pinkie Pie read it."
There, problem solved. :eeyup:

Say what you want about zebra cultists, they don't lack for manners.

at least pinkie pie wasn't curious.

good tale of wisdom and knowledge.

Twilight frowned. “Applejack is a complex pony with a wide range of interests and characteristics, Rainbow. Not only is Honesty her Element and primary value, but she is also a loving, hardworking and determined mare. You can’t just condense her entire being down to ‘apples’.”

this got me. i had to take a moment and center myself.

I decided to take a look at the winner of the latest round of the Writeoff. I wasn't even surprised when I saw you on top. The story itself was a delight, though it is a shame that Twilight didn't have more way to stop ponies from checking out what they weren't supposed to. I was expecting something very unpleasant to happen to that zebra at the end... or maybe the Mane Six will need to clean up after the countermeasures. One of the two.

In any case, thank you for this.

7192569

Because that is what a CiG do, after all.

~Skeeter The Lurker

"She is the smartest stupid mare I’ve ever met!"

@Cold in Gardez...

1. I was very entertained from reading this. Have a well-earned Like.

2. I was a bit curious ( :rainbowhuh: ) to why a fashion designer would keep asbestos on-hand. Though given Rarity's less-than-safe Life as one of the Elements of Harmony, I suppose it is also not totally out of bounds for possibility either.

3. The Ponyville Dark Fire Department. Likely crewed by cowled zebras... :trollestia:

This reminds me quite a bit of Small Town Charm overall.

In both cases the humor primarily stems from characters reacting to absurd situations in a completely serious manner, and the comedy's fairly low key in each story. This one is almost two times as long though, and I'd say the first two-thirds or so dragged on quite a bit. I think it got to the point that I myself react to what's happening with a straight face, so all the humor essentially lost its footing — Ponyville is a madhouse after all, and you get used to the fact. :derpytongue2: Also, Fluttershy adopting extremely dangerous animals doesn't feel like much of a stretch. I think I was expecting more absurdity going in.

I do admit that I laughed wholeheartedly at the "Applejack is a complex pony" and dark fashion bits. :rainbowlaugh: The various throwbacks to the locusts and the "bail Rainbow out of jail" thing were also pretty funny. Actually, just about all the stuff I found humorous was towards the end, and the beginning was more of a run-of-the-mill slice of life, which is primarily why I felt kind of bored initially.

The whole exchange about censorship and the potential dangers of knowledge between Rarity and Twilight was touched lightly enough not to feel obstructive on the whole. Rarity tried being a bit Socratic, but Twilight had her flanks covered too well for that to work; it's not the book that unearths the unholy fashions from hell, but Rarity demanding the book to do that to prove her point. I also liked how they both stick to their principles either way.

Oh, and the writing's superb, as is the norm.

Good stuff all in all, even if I felt mostly ambivalent by the end. :twilightsmile:

Fluttershy shook her head. “There’s too many. He wandered into the Fireworks and Propane store.”

Please tell me I'm not the only one whose head went straight to King of the Hill?

The older I get, the more convinced I am that absolute, abstract freedom of speech is a terrible idea. So it's probably not surprising that I'm completely on the side of Team Marshmallow. :raritydespair:

(Also, it's a very good thing none of the CMCs happened to check the library's reference section...)

Am I the only one who's mind went to Stan Lee when I read the author of the book's name? My mind goes to odd places sometimes. Anyways, great story!

Oh, a little let down by the ending. I had expected Twilight to have the book trapped with some spells, have it explode and then reform on the reference shelf leaving the thief charred, unconscious, and possibly dyed some bright neon polka dot color.

An Omake:

Rarity simply glared at Twilight across the raft.

"Look," said Twilight, "I still stand by my principles!"

That Rarity's gaze remained fixed, tabled, and implacable was a credit to the white unicorn, given the somewhat rough seas the makeshift raft they were now on was bobbing on.

"Don't give me that! Sure, the cultists got the book back...again. I guess that means that I'll have to upgrade the security of the library...again. But that just prove's Celestia's point, not yours! She's been pushing me to get guards for months now, to 'join the Real Princess Club,' which I know isn't a real thing because Cadance and Luna both looked at me funny when I asked them about it."

Rarity didn't shift even a muscle, remaining fixed in place as Pinkie tightened a knot next to her.

"Come on! Even Applejack read the book, and you don't see anything happening because of that!"

The Earth pony mare pushed her hat back up on her head, not leaving her reclined position. "Hey, leave me outa this one, and I only read it to find out what the Evil Zebra Shaman Cultist of the Week was readin', not 'cause I was doin' any research for m'self."

Rarity flicked an ear, but that was mostly because of the small insect that buzzed her head more than any conscious choice.

"I suppose letting Rainbow Dash have another crack at the book was probably a bad idea..."

The aforementioned pegasus simply groaned, still face first on the raft, all six of her limbs spread out and mane and tail in even more disarray than usual. "Please..." came her somewhat shaky voice, muffled by the wooden planking beneath her, "Make the sunlight stop hurting my brain!"

Fluttershy was rubbing her childhood friend's back, "Now, now. You've had these 'corruption hangovers' enough times now that you know it will fade in a few hours."

While it was unquestionable that Rarity heard the interaction (given her proximity in the confines of the jerry-rigged boat), she made no acknowledgement of it save to, somehow, intensify her glare without moving a muscle.

Forcing a smile on her face, Twilight soldiered on, "...and I guess Pinkie reading it without supervision was, perhaps, possibly, maybe..."

The Party Pony, proving she was never going to let her spirit be stifled for too long, suddenly sat next to Rarity, mimicking the other pony's seated posture, crossed forelegs, glowering face, and even breathing perfectly, took on a nasally voice and blurted, "Worst...idea...ever...!" and then broke the spell by giggle-snorting at a joke only she could see.

Rarity finally moved, but only to raise an eyebrow. Had she spoken, Twilight theorized, the white mare would probably have simply said, "When even Pinkie thinks that Pinkie being Darth Pinkie because 'the Dark Side has cookies' is a Bad Thing(tm)..." with the further unspoken, "...then the idea is so bad there isn't even a scale to measure how bad an idea it is." But then, when two ponies are good friends like Rarity and Twilight, then some things don't need to be said out loud when a simple raised eyebrow will do.

Realizing her cheeks were hurting from how big she was forcing her smile to go, she started sweating a bit under the glare, and she wasn't referring to the sun.

"Yes, I know telling Spike not to let you tell Princess Celestia about the book being in the reference section was just a little hypocritical, but you don't know how she gets with these things! She once grounded me for a month! Just for trying to read Damien Dark's Deathly Tome of All Dark Magic! A month! I still maintain the historical accounts of ponies going insane just reading the preface was all rumor and hearsay!"

Spike, who was leaning over the side of the raft and looking a bit green where he shouldn't, simply glared at the alicorn before returning to contemplating the waves.

Rarity remained unmoved, save for returning her previously raised eyebrow to match it's mate.

The silence held, save for an occasional whimper or moan from Rainbow. It stretched into a minute, then two.

It was minute six when Twilight broke. "Ffffff~ine!" she groaned, "I'll contact Princess Celestia and have her put the book in her Restricted vault."

The groans of relief from around the raft cut the air, mingled with Applejack's muttered, "Finally!" Rarity said nothing, but simply smiled, allowed herself a blink, and moved over to comfort Spike.

I wish the CMC had gotten to read that book, that result sure would have been... interesting. :scootangel: Too bad Twilight's castle was still standing, wonder how long until one of those disasters would have brought it down.

TMH

I’ve already ready it.” She trailed off in a high mouse-like squeak.

I believe that is supposed to be read.

Nonetheless, that was a thoroughly entertaining comedy!

Locust plagues never go out of style!

Carry On

Twilight winced at the rough treatment. “I appreciate that concern, Rarity, but I don’t believe in destroying books, or hiding them. The citizens of Ponyville are responsible, upstanding ponies, and I trust their wisdom and discretion. That book is quite safe where it is.”

For the first few years of the nuclear age, UK nuclear bombs had a yield dial, and a bike lock for activation. the RAF officer in charge of arming the device kept the key on a chain around his neck. The quote effectively was, a officer of honor and integrity would only activate the device on command from his superiours, and not refuse the order.

Dime bar Aardvaarks?

And theres me thinking that such an restricted book would trigger a Dan class antitheft warning system.

But darling, you burnt him to a crisp.:duck:

That was the warning. :twilightangry2:

What are the odds that the incinerator is just the salamander finding gainful employment? Fried locust can be delicious.

Poor Rarity. Verbals duels with the Smartest Stupid Pony in the world, plagues of locusts, mild PTSD from dark magic tomes, and the dread prospect of introducing Hot Topic fashion into Equestria, just to prove a point.

Very amusing, and very well written. I particularly like the way you can actually feel just how precariously balanced on a knifes edge is both unicorns' sanity under the very calm surface of their conversation. It's hard to do this style of deadpan absurdity well, but you pull it off beautifully.

My usual rule of thumb for these things is that I'd rather have everyone know what's in the book than have only the book's owner know what's in the book. It levels the playing field against those who would abuse their knowledge. Still, I can understand why nuclear weapon designs are classified, and this book seems like it has similar potential.

Nice and funny. Even pretty realistic since I could see Twilight doing something like this... Maybe with better anti-theft precautions though.

ayh

7192931 That would be the best thing ever. :twilightsmile:

Please get the author to include that in the story.

ayh

A thoroughly enjoyable read, and an example of MLP FIM fanfiction at its finest.

Would have liked to have seen AppleJack develop a dark apple crop to sell to all the villains though. Mare's got to make some bits and villains got to eat. Why it's an entirely untapped market! And not supporting evil at all. She's just a neutral famer providing a service to ponies that others may not agree with who would probably just get their dark produce from somepony else anyway so there's no harm in it. Plus she's just going to defeat them anyway with the rest of the girls so it's really having them starve while foiling their plans just seems a mite cruel.

“I believe we would be fine,” Twilight said. “Whatever evils ponies make, ponies of good heart can unmake.”

"Eventually." You're missing that key word, Twilight. Nightmare Moon didn't turn back into Luna within a day after she transformed, you know.

Truly Twilight's devotion to the written word will preserve all good things

Rarity, buy an equally rare, completely safe, signed 1st edition, and hold it to ransom over a woodchipper. That's an ultimatum.

Edit: a flaming woodchipper that ejects into a vat of acid. Or just threaten to give it to Sweetie Belle, which is pretty much the same thing.

Nicely done as always CiG

Perhaps if there was a spell that PREVENTED the book from leaving the library... :facehoof:

7192924

Dime bar Aardvaarks?

I think you might be thinking of armadillos ("crunchy on the outside; smooth on the inside"). Aardvarks lack the armour and haven't starred in any Just So Stories

7192647

Cupcakes, anyone?:pinkiecrazy:

7192789


Personally, I'm surprised Rainbow didn't go with flaming hail instead of locusts. I mean locusts are just locusts. But flaming hail? It's ice—and it's on fire! How awesome is that?

It's hilarious how you turned the whole 'household termite infestation' thing on it's head with aardvarks. You have me concerned, though:

I was in the library helping Twilight with the castle’s aardvark infestation, and we were waiting for the traps to cool down

What? Cool down from what, exactly? What are you doing to those aardvarks, you monster! :fluttershysad:

A week had passed since their extra-dimensional escape. It was late afternoon, and the sunlight pouring through the huge crystal windows spanning her castle library cast warm pools on the floor that moved in time with the sun. Every quarter of an hour she stopped, shifted her cushion back into the center of the sunlight, and resumed reading.

Twilight Sparkle is now like a cat that can read books. Where can I buy one?

7193622

You have to be careful handling those traps. The outsides get super hot :(

Not nearly as hot as the insides, though.

I was expecting Twillight to say that nobody read the books in the reference section anyway.
They gatter dust usually.

Reference books cannot be checked out of the library.

As a librarian, I have had to state/explain this concept to so many people. While her thought process may be dumb, I understand where she is coming from.

RF2

Twilight frowned. “Applejack is a complex pony with a wide range of interests and characteristics, Rainbow. Not only is Honesty her Element and primary value, but she is also a loving, hardworking and determined mare. You can’t just condense her entire being down to ‘apples’.”

By saying that, even though in the form of Twilight, you have earned my utmost respect. Nice touch in the ending too!:twilightsmile:

As always, loved the story~! :raritywink:

as for who was right, I'm gonna have to go with Twilight on this one.
Probably because I wouldn't mind cracking that sucker open myself.

She could see it now. Little fillies and colts, eager for knowledge, visiting her library. But she had no knowledge! For Excelsior’s Ecstatic Codex was banished, censored, prohibited. And after the Codex, what other books might go? Could she stop anything from being banned? How would the shelves of her library look, emptied?

Oh come now, Twilight. You're a scholar: don't you recognize a fallacious Slippery Slope argument when you think one? :facehoof:

7193368

Not as bad as owls, anyway.

It's kind of funny that Twilight has personally broken into a guarded library in a castle in order to read about restricted magic before. I guess Pinkie Pie wasn't interested this time.

As amusing as this was, the entire story only one thing kept popping into my head, why aardvarks?

“Sorry, here you are cleaning and I’m tracking new locusts all over the place.”

Imagine hearing just this line out of context... come to think of it, you'd probably have the same reaction that I had on reading about the aardvark infestation.

This is your funniest story since "Naked Singularity"! Liked and Favorited. :yay:

She put the empty traps in a barrel of water to cool,

Are... are we thinking of the same aardvarks, here? What the hay?! :rainbowlaugh:

:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
Awesome work, well done.

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