Ponyville Chess Club and Mail Swap

by Singularity Dream

2 Birthday Party With Friends

Author's Note:

Fair warning: This chapter is extremely unpolished. It had absolutely no editor. Good ideas, but technically flawed to a absurd degree.

"You were supposed to order her present!" Cherry accused her sister as she walked to Shine's house on the outer edge of Ponyville.

"You were supposed to pick it up!" Orchid accused her sister as she walked to Shine's house on the outer edge of Ponyville.

"How do I picked up a present that isn't there because you didn't order it?" Cherry stomped her front hooves one after another as she trotted.

"It was there because one of our friends ordered for us!" Orchid flicked her tail to snap it against Cherry's side.

"I know that now!"

"How did the two of you survive growing up in the same house?" Dawn Glitter asked in an amused tone as she joined up with the sisters just before they got to Shine's house.

The sister's looked at each other. Mirror images as they blinked in unison and then stuck their tongues out at each other. Dawn rolled her eyes and trotted forward to knock on the door with one hoof.

The door opened enough for one eye to peek out the crack. The three smiled and waved at the shy pony. Opalescent Shine opened the door more to let them in. Dawn went in first which meant the Blossom sisters almost ran her over when she stopped just inside the door. Orchid was the first to speak.

"Shine. Your front room is not this big. I am pretty sure your house is not this big."

All three mares moved far enough into the huge room to let the door close behind them. They each looked in different directions to collectively take in the gigantic ballroom they found themselves in. A ceiling four stories high, long banquet tables with snacks and sweets along the left and right walls, the far wall almost hazy with the distance. The average Ponyville house could fit inside Shine's front room twice over at the moment. Aloe and Fluttershy were already present, talking softly near one of the many snack tables.

"Isn't is awesome?" Razor Sharp did a leisurely loop-de-loop in the expansive airspace before landing nearby.

"It, um, was Fluttershy's gift." Shine rubbed her foreleg as she looked down at the floor. "My house doesn't really have enough space for all my friends to enjoy a party. So Discord did this. He says it will go away tomorrow."

"Nice to know that being reformed hasn't imbued him with a sense of restraint." Cherry said. "Is he around?"

"Um, no. Pinkie Pie's present was that the two of them would go do something exciting together somewhere else so I could have a quiet party." Shine blushed a bit while she answered.

"Looks like our little friend has all the top-notch connections." Dawn Glitter smiled and hugged Shine before she looked around once more. "Table for presents around here anywhere?"

Shine pointed at one of the tables that already had a few wrapped presents on it. She was working up to say something when an interruption in the form of a firm knock on the front door. Dawn looked over with a puzzled expression from the table she had just set the present down on.

"Did you invite my brother?" She called over at Shine.

"So, at least I don't think so..." Was the reply as Shine paused halfway to the door. "Why?"

"That was a royal guard knock. Do you even know other guardponies?"

"Ohmygosh!" Razor jumped into the air. "Wait a sec, I gotta grab my camera!"

The pegasus moved with uncharacteristic speed to where he had left the camera he brought for this exact moment. Shine swallowed as she was reminded just how exciting this first meeting could be between her two sets of friends.

---

I just couldn’t get this scene from my head onto the page, so point and laugh at the author. Then pretend there was a good bit here about Princess Luna showing up, introductions and everything is made. Then they all socialize casually because Ponyville is coolness central and seeing Princesses is no big deal.

---

"So tell me," Princess Luna spoke in a quiet voice. "I would have thought that Dame Twilight Sparkle would be a member of any local chess organization?"

Fluttershy flinched just a little. She had been on the other end of the situation to console her friend afterward.

"We, uh, we had to kick her out," Orchid rubbed the back of her neck as she avoided royal eye contact. "After only three meetings. Discord popped out like a month later. We figure that's why she bothers us so much about our mail."

Princess Luna blinked. Her magic aura around three pieces of cake wobbled for just a brief moment before she continued to serve herself and the two guards nearby.

"Why would you kick out Dame Twilight? Surely she is the epitome of polite behavior?"

"Sure, most of the time," Orchid progressed to scuffing a hoof on the floor. "She couldn't handle games against our speed chess princess. After two ten minute games we caught her trying to use time manipulation magic for the third one."

"Surely Dame Twilight would not cheat in a friendly game between friends?" Princess Luna's curious expression got some confusion for company.

"You've never played speed chess against Shine, have you Princess? Twilight won both of the two games they played. It wasn't cheating to win, but it was cheating. When we confronted her about it she had a bit of an episode and we had to kick her out."

"Now I know you are fibbing. Lady Opalescent could not possibly do anything to cause that kind of a reaction. Even in Dame Twilight, as tightly wound as she gets."

There was a sigh from Orchid.

"I knew you wouldn't believe me. Sis, get a cheap set and a timer!"

"Hey!" Cherry's voice protested from right behind a nearby door that was open just a crack. "We could be busy! Just ordering us around without seeing if we are free is rude!"

"Not if you are standing behind a door eavesdropping on our conversation." Orchid replied in a level tone.

"..." Cherry did not respond right away. "Gimme a minute. Chess sets are in the other room and it's a bit of a walk at the moment."

A few minutes later a table with a cheap chess set of plastic pieces and flimsy board was set up. A much longer period passed until Razor found where Shine had hid herself and pestered her out of it.

"What is this device?" Princess Luna inquired while waiting for her opponent to show. "Why have two clocks in one object?"

"This is a chess timer. They are used for speed chess and some tournaments." Orchid had been democratically chosen to continue to explain things to Princess Luna. More precisely everyone else had called 'not it' faster then she could. "Each player has a certain amount of time for the whole game. When you finish a turn you push the button on your side of the clock and it switches to counting down your opponent's timer and vice versa."

"Ah! So each moment spent on any particular turn shortens the time you have to think on future turns!" Princess Luna clapped her front hooves together. "Very clever! I wish our friend Lady Opalescent had taught us about this sooner!"

"There is a reason she didn't," Orchid once again rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly. "She's a great pony and we all consider her a great friend, but..." She sighed. "Maybe you will handle it better than we all did the first few times."

"She can hardly handle it worse than her Royal Twitchyness!" Dawn shouted from the next room over.

Orchid flicked an annoyed ear, but just gave Princess Luna an apologetic smile. "Once your allotted time is up you still get a set amount of time for each turn. We use two seconds."

"We don't have to play if you don't want to, Princess Luna." Shine said from the seat on the other side of the table. Razor blink-blink-blinked and looked around at the expected sudden appearance of the youngest member of the group.

"Nay. This is your celebration. It is you who should decide. Your friends insistence on this demonstration have little weight compared to your comfort."

"I would like to play," Shine bumped one of her unicorn nobles with a hoof as a fidget. "I mean, if we do play speed chess this is as good a place as any. Just... Don't hate me, okay?"

"We swear on our Tiara that no matter of the outcome or shape of this game, we shall remain a friend to thou." Princess Luna accompanied her words with a warm smile.

"Okay," Shine returned a shy smile. "Night goes first?"

Orchid gave a nod as she pushed the start button for the timer. Princess Luna had the black night pieces so she moved one of her eight guard pieces forward two spaces, then hit the button on her side of the clock.

*click* *click*

Only Razor, who had pegasus eyesight and reaction times, could see so much as a blur. The rest of the ponies could only see that one of Shine's pegasus pieces was now in front of her guard line and Princess Luna's clock was ticking off seconds. Princess Luna made another move and pushed her timer button once more.

*click* *click*

As soon as Princess Luna's hoof lifted from the timer, Shine's piece had moved and her clock showed only a second off her time.

"Yes, I see how Dame Sparkle would have trouble with this," to everypony's relief Princess Luna sounded calm. Also completely unconcerned about her allotted time ticking away. "Miss Orchid, would you please bring me an official Equestria chess tournament rule book? I wish to look up specific wording on a particular part."

"Now?" Orchid gave the timer a look as Luna's time continued to tick away.

"Yes please. I am sure Lady Opalescent has a current copy," Princess Luna moved another piece and hit the timer button.

*click* *click*

Shine blushed and fidgeted with her hooves on the table, but did not look away from the board. Princess Luna once again took her turn.

*click* *click* *click*

It took a moment for everypony to register that Shine's clock was ticking away. Princess Luna smiled, one of her pieces on a different space that nobody had seen move. Shine was the first to move, a full ten seconds of her time gone before her hoof touched a piece on the board.

*click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*

For the ponies watching it was a very surreal and short experience. The pieces flickered around the board like a stop-motion film missing most of the frames. Rapid fire *click* *click* *click* of the timer buttons made Razor's eyes twitch as it just kept constantly clicking at a rapid pace. The pegasus was about to lose it when Shine put a hoof on her remaining Princess piece to tip it over in surrender.

"That was amazing! How did you-" Sandy was interrupted by a raised royal hoof.

"That was a lovely game, Lady Opalescent." Luna's voice was soft. "Do you understand what you have been doing?"

Which was when Razor snapped awake out of the half-trance the constant clicking had driven him into. "Wha? Who? How?"

Dawn shoved a hoof into babbling pegasus mouth to shut him up so everypony could listen.

"Sort of?" Shine was nervous all over, hooves rolled her prone Princess piece back and forth along the mostly empty board. "Great Grandma taught me how to focus like that, but Chess is the only time I can do it that well."

"I am quite happy that we have one more subject to converse upon when we talk together. I had started to think that deliberate use of earth pony magic had been lost in these modern times. Miss Orchid, the rule book please."

A few moments of silence as Princess Luna flipped to the section she wanted to read the passage in question. Possibly more than once to be absolutely sure of her interpretation.

"What are you checking for, Princess Luna?" Shine inquired after those few moments.

"The exact words in the section about the use of magic to cheat. To answer the concern that I'm sure has been in your thoughts more than once, for sure now if not before, you have not technically been cheating. I will have to speak with my sister about the unicorn bias that continues to linger in the written rules. I told her she was too short sighted in allowing the unicorn nobles be the ones that wrote down the original official rules for the game."

A few more friendly games of chess between various ponies. Princess Luna got a nice surprise when both Razor and Dawn managed to beat her when they each played against her. Dawn summed it up the best.

"Princess, after Shines and Twilight Sparkle and playing through the occasional Everfree Forest monster attack, we learn to be pretty focused. Playing against our semi-divine ruler and once evil tyrant is not going to throw off our game." A smile softened the slightly harsh words in that statement.

When the competitive spirit had died down it was time to open presents. Shine enjoyed each one, but everypony agreed the best present was the one Princess Luna brought. One of the oldest chess sets to exist. Earth pony carved and reinforced stone. Marble and obsidian pieces with a beautiful polished granite board. The story about Luna getting into a fight with a minotaur warband over the game was pretty good apart from the gift. Not many chess sets prove superior to minotaur weapons and armor when a brawl breaks out.

Comments

[glory]

Ok so overall I love your premise and the plot you have. Now your execution was not the best. I think the biggest problem is your pacing. You move too quick and during your introduction I felt that the characters didn't have anything that really stuck. your dialogue is actually not bad but your descriptions are a little rough and together with the pacing make it a little hard to understand just whats going on.

[Singularity Dream]

8387979
Thanks! This was pretty much just get an idea from my head to paper (metaphorically speaking) as quickly as possible, so it's kind of terrible. Always good to see which parts I need to focus on for improvement though.

[Shrink Laureate]

I quite like this, but there are some issues to fix. I like the premise, I like their attitude to the regular Royal Inquisition, and I like a lot of the little turns of phrase. For example:

Orchid politely ignored her sister's violent envelopicide.

This I like.

But like I said, there are things to fix. First, the mundane: a lot of slips, typos, grammatical mistakes and the occasional malapropism. You even change a character's name at least once. Do you have an editor? Every author, be they grand or lowly, needs an editor to catch things like that.

More notably, as 8387979 said, the pacing. In the first chapter, the introductions are rushed. It seems like you have a good idea of who each of the characters is, but you leap from each to the next so we don't see it. You need to make sure each and every one of the characters is properly introduced, at the same time as the premise. Don't be afraid to spend more words on building the scene and the characters.

(Things will continue to be fine and peaceful [again, by Ponyville standards] after the story begins [probably]). It's just that before the story is the fixed certainty of the past and the story itself remains in the fixed uncertainty of the future)

This bit doesn't work. It looks like you're trying to emulate some of the authors who are best at that sort of metafiction: Douglas Adams, Terry Pratchett, etc. I'd recommend getting solid writing down first before allowing yourself to indulge in gimmicks.

In the second chapter, the pacing felt unfocused. The <insert scene here> obviously needs to go, and more importantly it affects the timing of everything around it. The chess game is a nice idea, but it all sort of peters out at the end.

The idea feels like there's a lot more that could have been done with it. Perhaps a chapter focused on each of the girls, with this chapter serving as one of them? Each of them should tie into the premise somehow: letters, confusion and the regular lunch meeting. It shouldn't lose its slice-of-life feel, but it could develop a bit more story.

You do have some nice ideas and some nice words to go with them. Next time you have a story in progress, drop me a line. I can help you hammer out any problems.

[Singularity Dream]

8649572
Yeah, it is something of a mess. I did not have an editor for this particular piece. I knew I missed a character name change. Thanks for the feedback, though. I'll keep you in mind next time I get out something to put out.