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Azure Drache


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Twilight Sparkle has always been a obsessive seeker of knowledge, but during a research project into the lineage of Equestria’s old noble families, she discovers the founder of one particular house to be none other than the contemporary comic character Burning Snowflake. Believing this to be a grave error, Twilight sets out to establish the facts, only to find that some fairy tales might just be true.

Now with cover art from Cocoskatze Her artwork on Animexx

Editors :

Schattendrache: Friend of mine with a very high skill in making dialogs sound natural and a fable for realism. Also, if poked often enough, works quite fast and awesome!

EverfreePony: Editor from chapter 13 till 24, expert in wording, deadly in word to word combat and also unbeatable in yelling at the author! The one and only, merciless and nitpickiest of all Preditoress!
Honestly, she wrote me when she heard I lost my previous editor, (seems to happen a lot:derpytongue2:) and offered to help, awesome:yay:

MV : Edited everything, either directly or after someone else had, till chapter 12. He put very much effort in it and did an great job. If I have to name the 4 riders of apocalypse editing, it would be : Gramma, Spelling, Punctation and MV. (normally this guy comes along on a dead horse with the book 'chicago manual of style' in his arm)

Mister Hypothetical: Edited chapter 27

Aeluna: Chapter 4 (actually pre-edit chapter 5-6) / She took my not so well translation and turn it into something that editors can work with, thanks for that.

Wyngs Triumphant: Chapter 4

zachary56 : Prologue , Chapter 1-2

Rijo Striker : Prologue

Pre-readers: MV, OConnerGT-R, EverfreePony

Translators :

GentlemanPirate :Prologue , Chapter 1, 3

Azure-Drache (Myself)

And also thanks for everyone who gave me feedback or reviews. :twilightsmile:

Chapters (27)
Comments ( 114 )

Hah! She is as lich! Maybe?

7232427 Creepy is one thing. So many things can be used. A lich, Succubus, Vampire, Death Knight or a Wight, a Banshee if you wanna have fun with a contender for "Best Impersonation of the Royal Canterlot Voice" award.

7232540

Banshee´s belong to Mass effect 3 ;-)

7232556 I hope your joking. Mythology must be dead.

7232597
Of course I was Joking.

I know how many mystic creatures could be used or even religious Greek creatures as well.

But i won´t put a spoiler in here so i can´t tell you whats up with Burning Snowflake yet.

So, starting thoughts. The first is that I am a fan of worldbuilding/historical stories, so my interest is piqued. Aside from some grammar errors, which I'm not going to bother addressing seeing as you already mentioned that your first language was not English (although I will advise getting an editor or two. It never hurts), there are a few things I'd like to talk about.

The first being the Snowflake family. I have no issue with worldbuilding or including OCs, as a general rule. I do take issue with the sort of breakneck pace we've been presented with so far, however. I understand nothing about the Snowflake family, except that they've got some historical discrepancies. That's an interesting hook. But when we have no context for who they or or what makes these discrepancies so shocking (let me put it this way: go to a library, pull out a dozen biographies of the same person and analyze them. Not all of them will line up perfectly, and I see no real reason why a historical figure and a comic figure can't share the same name), I get confused. Those are my biggest thoughts. The lack of context for the family makes it confusing, but that's about it.

One more thing:

“THE Burning Snowflake? As in the stories?” Spike asked while scratching his head.
“Exactly her. I didn’t want to believe it at first, but other sources point to it as well. It’s supposed to be THAT Burning Snowflake.”

You might want to put in a line break there. Anyway, those are my thoughts so far. Onto the next chapter!

7511754 First , thanks for your time and the review^^

So I already insert said line break , thanks for mark it for me.

About the family , your may be right , I expect some knowledge from the reader about history to understand it at the first read. If some more people have difficult to understand it after reading the following chapters I will try to change it.

Not sure how to feel about this chapter. There's nothing inherently wrong with it (although you did forget to capitalize Climber's name in some spots), it just feels off to me. I dunno. Maybe it's the sudden change in perspectives during the chapter? The transitions also feel off. The listing of the times of day, when it doesn't play a major role, feels unnecessary. As an example, the Artemis Fowl series relies a lot on time stamps, but that's because it's written as if it were a military case file, leading to the time stamps being invaluable to the report. This doesn't feel like it needs them. You could even stick to the same scene and just say 'a few hours later' or something to that effect.

Another thing that bugs me is Twilight's inner voice. Maybe it's because I haven't watched an episode in a little while, but the voice you've given her just feels off. It feels too much like she's a probing spy, as opposed to the Princess of Friendship. Twilight can be socially awkward, but she generally isn't analyzing a person every move.

One final thing is your descriptions. Basically nonexistent. I have no idea what Dragonbite Castle looks like. I assume it looks like a stereotypical castle, but I've received no descriptions, so I don't really know. :applejackunsure:

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Gonna try to read the last chapter before Thursday, seeing as I'll be out of the country starting then, but no promises.

7525257

The listing of the times of day, when it doesn't play a major role, feels unnecessary. As an example, the Artemis Fowl series relies a lot on time stamps, but that's because it's written as if it were a military case file, leading to the time stamps being invaluable to the report. This doesn't feel like it needs them

Artemis Fowl was a great book series , in my story the time plays a important role in later chapters , when the story jumps between the centurys so I thought it is a good idea to accustom the reader with the Time-list.

Another thing that bugs me is Twilight's inner voice.

mhh , I re-readed it and yes it is a little bit to agressiv. Thanks for bringging this up.^^

The general lack of describtion for the surroundings should give the reader place for his own imagination and to avoid errors in later chapters too. If I describe the Castle for example , I may get some logic errors later when I let the action take place above it or in one of the many rooms. Maybe when the whole story is written down , I add more details.

I was forced into reading this. Please help me, I'm hold captive at Azure Drache's basement and he just feeds me bread and water if I read his stories. This German can hit my face really hard with a crowbar and... OMG HE'S COMING!!! HELP!!!

7532388 I asked you to read it , yes... but if you can´t take it serious then don´t comment! And this is a free for all ages side so your picture... not cool man. See you later at the party... / By the way , wrong story ...

Been a while, huh? Sorry I took so long. :twilightsheepish: Anyway, back to business. :rainbowdetermined2:

She is even more than seven hundred years old."

This feels clunky. The even and the more say the exact the same thing. Consider 'She is more than seven hundred years old' or 'she is even older than seven hundred' or something to that ilk.

she urges Climber

You've got a tense change here, as well as a few other places.

"Are you violated your highness?"

This sounds incredibly creepy and you might want to change that.

Aside from grammar stuff addressed above, here are my thoughts on this chapter. As far as thing go, this didn't really tell us much. While it does explain who Burning Snowflake was, to a certain extent, I just feel like it's beating around the bush. You've revealed more secrets about her, and only answered a handful of the questions we had about her. I get that this is only the third chapter, but it feels a bit to vague for my liking so far. :applejackunsure: I dunno, just feels like you're opening more questions by the chapter, making it so that we're going to have to keep track of every single little thing Burning Snowflake has done, when before it was just a historical inconsistency.

Either way, I'll be ready for the next chapter. :rainbowdetermined2:

7622678
Hey thanks you made another review^^

To my Luck the gramma and stuff is just in work by someone so it should be correct when I edit the chapters the next time, after my editor is ready. The 'are you violated' thing was mentioned by others to and is marked for edit already, thanks for notice it too^^

So for making more questions, this is my intension. It is ment to be a mystery story with many questions for the reader to think of. Don´t worry, I will get sure the most will be answered at the end ;-) Anyway I am always curious which questions my readers have, so if you like to tell me yours i could see if I had them on mind in the folowing chapters and if not I can insert answers there.

The next chapter may take some time, my editors working on chapter 5 and 1 at the moment. And i still have to translate 6-8 so it is a bit messy who is working on which part and when it will be done :pinkiecrazy: But I am glad to have some people helping me at least^^

Again thanks for your review:-)

7622678

Either way, I'll be ready for the next chapter. :rainbowdetermined2:

here you go^^

Nice to see this chapter up. I have to admit, I'm curious how other people will react :twilightsmile:

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Me too, I hope at some time enough people have read it to have a nice discussion about what will happen and what people think is going on. I would really like it if people posted their guesses ans stuff in the comments.:pinkiehappy:

I have to say I love this story so far. From the lore, mystery, and world building this is really simple and great!

Though I noticed that there was a briefcase which shouldn't be there 700 years ago... From the way how long it is I believe the time would be like the Middle Ages or a bit before. Be sure not to have anything from the modern, Industrial Age or anything that didn't exist yet. Though it was the time of inventions like books, art, crafts and other things that made history.

I would love to see a take on what is like back then and the inventions of the time, but I do think the economy was smaller with very few places though Canterlot makes sense to be there for it was built a bit before than.

I have to wonder how she is a noble when her parents disowned her... Though so far it's 700 years ago so there's about 300 to go when she adopts the colt.

I can't wait for more and I also would like to be a proof-reader if that's ok?

7790563

I can't wait for more and I also would like to be a proof-reader if that's ok?

Sure, everyone who want's to help is welcome, everything needed is here in my post at 'helping hooves' Link

would be like the Middle Ages or a bit before

In the show when they have the backflashes to that times, Equestria already have some things from modern age. I try my best to make the setting Medi-eval like compared to what the show showes us. So in later chapters you find some things from Earth-medi-eval as well as from Eq-medi-eval timeline.

there's about 300 to go when she adopts the colt.

If I would tell you, I would ruin the story wouldn't I?:raritywink:

7790645 true, but sadly I was wrong... I did the math wrong lol

7791021
Yeah you did:rainbowlaugh:

By the way, I encourage people to comment their thoughts here, so about the 'how she became a noble' question, you can put a comment here with that question, maybe someone else have a clue already and is up for a discussion with you.:twilightsmile:

7791437 Yea, I'll be sure to comment a question on here.

When I first started to read the story, I almost thought she and Celesta were the same person :twilightsheepish:

It never said anything about her marrying any Noble Stallion at all... It didn't say how she got back being a noble when she was kicked out. The only thought comes to mind is Celesta adopted her as an aunt like with Cadence. :coolphoto:

7791549
Oh you will get suprised by the things that are going to happen for sure:twilightsmile:

It seems good so far, but there are a few word choice problems, but it probably comes from English being a second language to you.

7804117
Thanks, I am glad you liked it so far.:pinkiehappy: Could you give me an example of a word you think that is unfitting please? English is my second language but I had a bunch of native english speakers as editors so I guessed the wording is ok. Only the word 'Flöckchen' should be strange for english people and that is intended, it will be explained in the story later.

So, this is a pretty interesting story. There appears to be plenty of worldbuilding to come with an interesting—myserious, even—main character. Credit must be given to the author for creating a likeable mare who has an ability which, at first glance, might make them seem overpowered or unrealistic. Furthermore, the author looks to have done well to create so much backstory for their OC, as well as linking this past to their present day struggles to make them a relatable character.

Though there are, admittedly, a few times at which the story can seem a little hard to follow, the end result has so far seemed worth the effort of taking the extra few minutes to go back and really cement the complex plot in your mind. I would recommend giving this fic a try; it's pretty good, especially for someone who speaks english only as a second language.

Interesting stuff, I can't wait to see what happens next.

7850062 Hey I am glad you are back^^ Thanks for your comment:twilightsmile:

I have to wonder if she was train by Dragons or Fire Ponies?

7938156
I really like your quesions:pinkiehappy: I would really want to hear what you think the answer is, but for the real answer you have to wait a few more chapters:raritywink:

Like I said I get sure to answer the questions of my readers, either in the story or if I missed something, directly:twilightsmile:

7938166

I'll tell you my theory how she got those abilities. It's long! :pinkiehappy:

I believe how she got her transportation ability was from a Changling. She must have meet some and got train on how to use their magic to transform and blend in. (Which is a bit easy to think of it) :derpytongue2:

Now there are a few theories on how she gain these Fire abilities and is super crazy about it. One being Dragons and the other being what I'm actually thinking of making called Fire Ponies. Or could be a whole different species? :trixieshiftleft:

Dragons and ponies haven't had... I guess great relationship since they mostly don't want them around in their homeland. I don't know how much lore in the series has done for Dragons since the only episodes was in S2 & S6 were we got to see what Dragons are like there isn't reallly anything to go by but with Spike how Celestia taught him how to send messages to her or anyone else there might be a chance that they have some form of Fire Breath magic that does interesting things. For only Dragons though not like how a unicorn use magic to pick an object while a dragon can't.

It's only a theory but a Dragon teacher isn't hard to think of but... I don't know a Dragon would take in a Pony as an student unless she somehow prove herself to be worth.

But also a big problem is that magic has to have a new source and a new... body for her to use. How do I explain... :facehoof: Like she as to transformation into a new Pony to be able to use that magic like how when Twilight became an Alicorn she can use new magic like 3! :pinkiegasp:

It might be crazy but who ever taught her somehow train her to transform into what I'm going to call (which I'm making a story of) a Fire Pony. Which is opposite of Sea Ponies.

Be able to not just to shot fire balls but use different mouth formations to cast magic that is only exclusively to Dragons. Her coat might be made of special material that Fire only slips off of and not cause any harm to her at all, but one thing for sure is that she can't swim in lava since Dragons have a completely different body than the ponies. But sadly now I think of it there are a few set backs to this like water is number one weakness for sure since it will take out the fire in her making her tried and much slower because the coat might not be made to withstand water but become heavy. :twilightoops:

Fire doesn't have any weight. She could be really fast might be faster than all three Ponies combined but isn't strong at all not even strong as a Earth Pony. But that doesn't mean she can pick up and stuff just she just has to work hard than the other Ponies.

Yea I've been working on different ideas to create my own story someday just I wrote a theory here and your character has been helpful on how to make it work.

It's a big theory :twilightsheepish:

7938730 Yes your theory is a big one:twilightsmile: You really took effort into it!
Could you do me a favour and use the Spoilers function when you mention some of the stuff she is able to do in later chapters and so on?:raritywink: You know this one;-)

About your theory, warning mild spoilers but they will be hidden!

OK firts, remember what the baron told about her, what he found out so far, what the family history told you already, there are clues around to find (mystery story^^). I try to let the reader have the same goal as Twilight, to find out everything.

But because you showed so much intrest and effort I give you a bit to think on:pinkiehappy:, spoilers!
Remember her imunnity to much magic, if she touches a changeling, the changeling loose the ability to change at the spot she touched him. (Dangerous to him if his current form need that part of the body in the form it was) and with her imunnity how to teach her at all?:raritywink:

About her coat, well she is a shape-shifter... there is a really complex system working in the backround about this ability but so much is said, she could arrange her coat the way it fits the most for the situation she is in. (In the limits I created for this ability: She can´t turn her coat into stone for example, or more precise she could but it would kill her. She isn´t a changeling who could transform into some dead stone at all)

So that´s enough, donßt want to ruin the story for you:trollestia:

But thats an intresting idea about fire ponys that you have, if you make this story about them tell me when you puplish it and I will give it a look :twilightsmile:

7939406 Opps sorry that I forgot to add the spoiler tags :facehoof:

Anyways that was a fun theory I can't wait for more chapters in the future!

Twilight doesn't seem convinced about much of the story. Its like she wants to understand but since there isn't much because not all of it was documented, it's like she doesn't want it to be true.

No, it shouldn't end there!!! Curse you cliffhangers! :flutterrage:

Anyways amazing story, sad to see what Celestia allowed history to be altered... It is never and never a good thing to do that, it hinds the Truth and the people will be doom to repeat the mistakes or make things much worse.

I can't wait for Twilight to talk to Celestia about it and find out she is evil in her own way. :moustache:

8101897 Hey PlatinumPony,

nice to see one of my stories most faithful fans again:pinkiehappy:

Well the cliffhanger thing was necassary this time, you see the Chapter I original wrote was nearly 10k words long and dosn't fit for my usual chapter lenght and also I have to take care my pre-readers and editors don't get lost in it.:raritywink: The good thing however is that the next chapter shouldn't let you wait as long as this one because it only waits for my helpers to go through it^^

8101897 Actually, all we evil pre-readers voted that was the best ending cliffhanger spot :trollestia:

8101904 Yea I'm still here enjoying the story.But I notice now that they skip the years to the Civil War for the moment. Was there more of SnowFlake beginnings as a fire fighter till she did something to become a noble or was that lost to history as well?

Man, Twilight sure doesn't want to believe in anyone telling her what happened because it wasn't in the history book... She should realize not everything won't be in the history book since there are those that don't want people to know or trying to alternate history to their own pleasure.

There are other ways to find what happen in those times like from reading journals, reports, diaries, stories passed down from family's, and etc.

I think Celestia system is mess up for History because I just realized from reading the comics that almost all their history gets turn into myths and legends... And it was Star Swirls idea! Because he thought it was cool :facehoof:

Yep, Equestria history is just mess up.

8102243 Remember our talk about the spoiler tags? :raritywink:

Yes at the moment they skipped a lot of content, but don't worry it will be explained and you will be able to read it in the future. The thing is that Twilight is the main character in the present and so the story follows her movements. Snowy's life had many stations in history that will be mentioned but it is up to Twilight to run into the spots where she can hear them or find out herself what Snowy did.

It is as well a strengh as a weakness of my story that my characters stay in character as I created them, it increase the realism of their acting but on the downside I have to adjust the storytelling to their behaviour. Means Twilight is at the ancestor hall yet and will go to the libary next (if nothing happens that hindrance her:raritywink:) so the cronology of the events or more precise the cronology of how the reader get the event known is a bit uncommon.

To answer your question about the time between Fire-fighting and beeing a noble, well there are 400 years between her return to Canterlot and Compassion become the founder of house Snowflake. It will be told don't worry, it is not lost in history. ^^

Oh and in one of the comics (Fiendship is magic) Spike makes a joke about that everything happend a thousand years ago, so it have to be a very busy year :rainbowlaugh:

8102261 I'm so sorry again. :facehoof: I thought for sure I put a spoiler tag there... :rainbowhuh:

It is as well a strengh as a weakness of my story that my characters stay in character as I created them, it increase the realism of their acting but on the downside I have to adjust the storytelling to their behaviour. Means Twilight is at the ancestor hall yet and will go to the libary next (if nothing happens that hindrance her:raritywink:) so the cronology of the events or more precise the cronology of how the reader get the event known is a bit uncommon.

That is the best part about this story, is taking the realism of the characters and write how they (or she) acts about history they never heard of from the books. It's like in real life were you still learn more about history each day from other sources that talk about that stuff that happen from other books or passed down from the last generation that you won't hear In the class room.

Oh and in one of the comics (Fiendship is magic) Spike makes a joke about that everything happend a thousand years ago, so it have to be a very busy year :rainbowlaugh:

Yea, I have to wonder why only things happen a thousand years ago and not during the thousand years since Nightmare Moon. :rainbowlaugh:

8102529 It creates atmosphere but pulls the story in a certain direction at some spots, means it is sometimes forcing me to tell the readers something because the actors surely would mention stuff. (Had to rewrite the actually chapter 3 times till I was able to manage them to speak about the right things:rainbowlaugh:) The stuff they original talked about will be now in the next chapter or the one after that, so it makes more sense for the reader.^^

Really it was a hugh problem for me to let them stay in character, have their opinions and intrestest to talk about and still move them to the point that readers got the necassary info before the events took place in the story:twilightsmile:

I don't know if you know but in germany it is or was a hugh problem with old people telling history. You mostly couldn't belive them, they niced it up a lot. But thats a culture thing.


Anyway I am glad to have you as a such intrested fan in my story:twilightsmile:

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You see? And that are onle 2/3 of the fun I have everytime I write a chapter:pinkiecrazy:

It is a bit like the heartswarming eve story, but for me it is not future, present, past, the ghosts are of sillyness, yes this orange fox kind of ...thing..., cheekiness, you also can see it here, the blue dragon-creature and last but not least, action. Action is a bit shy but don't worry once triggered action is restless poking at you till your story have rockets, guns and explosions:pinkiecrazy:

My beloved team of helpers which try their best to drive me crazy but get my chapters done:raritywink:

Seriously theese guys are awesome, it is so much fun to work with them:yay: Even with the fact nearly nothing productive is done when more than one at a time of them is present in my gdoc:trollestia:

Sadly always down the line in royal/noble family's there are always those that hunger for power... Another great chapter by the way!

8164966 Thank you:pinkiehappy:

But I assume you make a misinterpretation here, Birdsong is not hungry for power. It is a conflict of viewpoints that cause the problems between her and Celestia. Birdsong really believes in her opinions.

If you don't mind I would like to hear what you think of Snowy's behaviour in this chapter?

8166001 Sorry for this late reply!

It was really interesting to see how the take on The Civil War went as well to see that Snow being a bit more adult then she was at the beginning of her story. Though I can feel sorry for her that her sons descendants were bad and she didn't want to kill them but sadly there could be a time were she has no choice...

Though the girl was more of a child and wasn't properly raise at which could have lead her to call for the family.

Boy, Twilight needs some life time lessons about what killing really is why in cases it's ok and as well listening to what the details that the host is explaining about.

I worry that someday that thought of not killing is going to bite back hard...

Killing and murdering aren't the same, they are two different scenarios that even though a life is taken but for a different reason.

Like for example in war and always in war you the soldier fight to protect your country, family, friends against a enemy that wants to take everything from you and even your life. It's fine in war, could there have been ways to not take a life? It's very impossible... Maybe in some case not so many life's could've been lost but there's evil in the world and even the hidden places that will and I mean will kill those who stand in the way or not accept their ways....

To murder is different... You either are a thief and kill the person to be sure they don't call for help, or you hate someone that is in the way, or even in rare cases there are few that enjoy seeing people die... It's really about taking the life for your pleasure.

Like it's crazy Twilight hasn't face an army as of yet because she only has faced the villain that doesn't kill and one day she's going to have to face an army that isn't magically brainwashed but raise to kill and plunder the innocent and weak. Or most likely since she's a princess she won't be able to join the war since it would be Guard that does the fighting but maybe a simple mistake of telling them don't kill gets so many of the ponies kill that some decide that she isn't a good leader or shouldn't be part of anything like war at all... Actually that's a neat story idea I love to see now.

Though I understand why asking Celestia about a topic that is to personal but since Twilight doesn't understand when everything in truth is told to her... I think Celestia has to step in and tell Twilight it's true and that she should've taught Twilight about these topics but mostly since Celestia decided that history isn't important to write and instead just keep everything in myths is pretty much the worse thing that can happen... History will repeat itself no matter what you could do, it doesn't take that long for events to happen again but much worse since history is forgotten...

Twilight's been sheltered her entire life even Celestia herself has concealed from her the darker aspects of ruling a country.

8198659 Hey again:pinkiehappy:

So yes birdsong isn't so old yet, she took over the rulership of the family only a few years ago but she isn't a filly either. In human years i would say something between 21-23.

Always a pleasure to hear yout thoughts about what may happen:raritywink:

About the difference between murdering and killing, I agree that there is a BIG difference between that. Of course self defence and stuff like that is absolutly ok, for war however, I would go with a quote from 'Kindom of heavens' :

A king may move a man, a father may claim a son, but that man can also move himself, and only then does that man truly begin his own game. Remember that howsoever you are played or by whom, your soul is in your keeping alone, even though those who presume to play you be kings or men of power. When you stand before God, you cannot say, "But I was told by others to do thus," or that virtue was not convenient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that.

For Twilight however and because it is a show with children as main audiance I guess it is good they avoid that topic. For my story on the other side, I choosed the Teen rating for a reason:raritywink:

And a little word about Celestia, she has her past with Snowy too, in good or bad will the future chapters show. Still she will be discret about it.

Anyway thanks again for your comments and cheering up the author by showing intrest in my story:twilightsmile:

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