After their defeat at the Battle of the Bands, the Dazzlings lost practically everything that mattered to them. They couldn't sing anymore and they had lost their control over everyone at Canterlot High. Still, this hasn't deterred Adagio and Aria from trying to regain their powers and exact their revenge on the Rainbooms. As for Sonata, she has found herself in a odd situation. A new transfer student who is unaware of anything that happened has captured her attention with his heroics. Now she must decide whether to help Adagio and Aria get what they want, or try to move forward and better herself.
Editor: Koekelbag
Chapters (11)
Not bad for a start. Fairly well written, couldn't find any errors grammar-wise, and the 1st-3rd person narration you've got going here's implemented well. The OC also seems believable, and it's obvious we're not dealing with a Gary Stu, so that's an automatic plus. If I had to complain about anything, it would be the alley scene, and even then it'd be a minor one. I mean would it really be that big of a deal if one or two hits from the Diamond Do... Should I even call them that? They're human in this universe, more or less. Either way, would it kill to have them at least score glancing hits? Slate may know martial arts, but I doubt he's a black belt or whatever, and fights tend to be chaotic like that, especially 3 on 1 fights. But like I said, that's a minor complaint, and it doesn't deter from the overall enjoyment. So have a like and a watch.
7150924 Thank you very much for the critique. I kind of thought about that alley scene too, but no need to worry, I have plans for the future chapters. Anywho, thank you again.
Not bad for your first story.
Just curious, but what kind of martial arts does Slate practice? I mean, I saw some boxing with judo, karate and even a flying kick, so I'm curious if Slate has practiced/is practicing multiple fighting styles.
7158051 Well technically speaking, he mainly practices karate. But usually any art will have their own slight variation on moves that would be considered part of another fighting style. Furthermore, if a particular school is concerned mainly with self-defense they may show how to use techniques that aren't from their style but are effective in certain situations. Mainly speaking from experience.
Can't really say much about the chapter except it was nice. Sonata seemed to be well in character (or at least in accordance to what most deem in character for her), and I actually liked the fact you kept the taco-obsession shtick to an absolute minimum. Then again, looking at the tags, this shouldn't come off as a surprise. The only thing that could use work is the narration in this one. While I realize first person narration has its limitations, this chapter's felt a bit on the bland side, at least in some parts. There were moments this looked more like someone giving a brief summary of their actions than a story. Overall however this wasn't so bad; probably just me nitpicking. I tend to do that.
Also:
Is it weird that I want Aria's commentary on say the Saw series to be a thing?
7168459 Well, good sir, I will try to improve the first person issue as much as I can. As for Aria doing commentary on horror movies, I would imagine that it would kind of be like some of the horror movie reviews that I've seen on youtube. Which is to say fairly entertaining.
So no, not weird.
Yet another good chapter, definitely better than the last one. The introduction of Adagio's plan definitely works for the story's benefit; it desperately needed conflict at this point, and thankfully you delivered. I also enjoyed Zecora's cameo, though I find the image of a EQG-verse human with stripes a bit odd. As to the plan itself -it makes sense I guess. Well, aside from there being books on actual working alchemy in the far more mundane world of Equestria Girls. That's a bit of a logic jump. Then again, it did play perfectly into that one reference you did. Judging from that, your nick, and your profile image I'm guessing you're a fan of Fullmetal Alchemist?
There's one more thing I do have to praise you for, and that's, again, how you're handing Sonata, especially when it comes to her lack of magic. On one hand she's genuinely fond of Slate and doesn't really want to get him involved, but the fact she didn't flat out refuse shows she really does want her magic back. Which is perfectly understandable from her point of view: after all, she's just been stripped of one of the things that made her, well, her, and she obviously wants it back. What I'm trying to say is that with this little detail you made this whole situation that more believable, and that's a huge plus in my book.
7183836 Guilty as charged. I really do enjoy that anime, and I had barely joined this site after a binge watching session. So that's where the name came from. But honestly as far as anime or any other show goes, as long as its entertaining its alright in my book. Asides from that thanks again for the feed back, it really does help. Next chapter will be up soon so looking forward to the response that it might generate.
I don't like how Rainbow is portrayed in this story. It's very OOC.
She's not an abbrasive punk.
Should've read this one sooner, make sure to give a little more insight on how the chapter was. I blame work.
Seriously, I don't know what 7188715 has a problem with. I personally thought Rainbow was actually in character here. She can be abrasive and she can act bull-headed, and you most definitely didn't go overboard with her. I could literally see her doing something like this in the show.
Aside from that it's good to see your Principal Celestia isn't as incompetent as to literally let the Dazzlings waltz back to school without any issue. The fact she didn't want to let them back to start with was a nice reminder that she in fact is responsible, even if easily manipulated. Then again, pulling the "You let Sunset stay" card was a good move on Adagio's part. She's after all the brains of this group.
The reactions of the student body to the sirens' return was believable. Not too over the board, a clear analogy to how they acted towards Sunset after her reformation, if not a little more severe, but after all, this is merely a week after the Battle of the Bands, so it's still fresh in their minds. Also, good work casting Discord as a chemistry teacher. I can only guess that despite being confusing as all hell his lessons are still a bomb
Now as to Slate. I have to admit, I was a bit afraid that he'd end up with a tragic past that concerned his mother the moment you made it clear he moved here only with his dad. And although I wasn't wrong, you managed to play it off rather well. Placing the events several years back gave Slate ample time to come to terms with this, so at the very least his personality is believable, down to his reluctance to speak about what happened. In other words: edgy teenager with a tragic past trope avoided
Well and of course Sonata. This is how I like to see her portrayed. With how she acted at Slate's one would thing she was already going to go down the conversion path, but then you add that bit at the end and OMG that was perfect. Considering if she should use the opportunity to get some info Adagio needs is a really nice touch, and even if she's starting to see that being just human isn't all that bad, the simple fact that she contemplated doing something like that was still a great thing to add. I really can't wait to see what's next.
7197699 Thank you, that's kind of how envisioned this portrayal of Rainbow Dash, extremely loyal to a fault to her friends and the school, including the new guy. Pretty much looking out for their well being while being harsh to the Dazzlings who may or may not have something up their sleeves.
As usual a good chapter has been made!
7245691 Thank you, I try. But seriously, though, I've got to give props to the editor who has been a huge help.
7245795 Eh, if the editor doesn't have to do much, all the more props to the writer.
Who let the dogs out!?
7249855 Yep. That's the one.
Awww....the next one's the last chapter?
7342715 Unfortunately, yes. Still, it was a good run. At least I thought so.
awww cute
8065830 Well thank you. I'm glad you thought so.
8066152 Your welcome
Nice.
Thanks.
lovely
8280184
Thanks.
8281029
your welcome
Noooooo it's over!
I wanted moooore it's so cute! Kinda wished you'd make one more chapter like what happened after graduation or a few years later! But I enjoyed this story it had a lot of great build up and kinda makes me want to write my own Sonata/OC story
8491187
Wow it's been a while since I've gotten the chance to make an in depth response. Anywho, I'm really glad you liked it so much. As far as the ending goes, I actually have plans for another story for sure in this continuity, and one more after that depending on if there is another sequel in the EQG series. Although the next one may be slightly darker. Also I'd love to see how your story comes out. Anyways, thanks again, and have a good one.
8492180
Lol well thanks for thinking about it, I'd love to see where you go with the sequel. And I doubt my sonata story will be great like yours because the more sonata/OC stories I see they all start of with either her being abandon and being taken in or someone saving her from a fight. Which my idea is a little bit different in terms of starting off just feel like the idea of sonata is slightly done to death lol. But who knows I'm juggling 7 works at once so maybe I'll do it maybe I wont
8492390
You know, now that you mention it, there are quite a few of this kind of story that start off like that. Oh well. Wish you the best on your projects.