Luna Gives Rise To Many Boners
"So many boners, Twilight Sparkle! Everypony saw them, oh 'tis a disaster beyond all measure!"
Luna hugged Twilight close, her last weeks lesson on 'intimacy' teaching her that the most effective way to deal with grief was through intimate contact. Twilight had not been informed of this fact.
"Oh, Twilight, what ever shall we do? All of Ponyville has seen our blunders, Celestia is most likely laughing at us from her tower, that tool!" Luna shook a hoof. “I know where you live, sister!”
Twilight was not listening, subtly attempting to pry herself away from Luna, but the wings enveloping her proved too strong. "Princess Luna are you feeling-"
"Gay? Nay!" she neighed. Luna was a wreck, rocking back and forth while appearing to ramble about the dangers of academics.
Twilight had had enough, her horn sparking to life as she teleported several feet away, causing Luna to fall on her face. The princess did not seem too bothered by this development, still too busy wallowing. "Alas, our efforts are all for naught. We shall forever be the lesser princess, forced to bathe in the pit of despair that is our existence."
Twilight was sure Luna's mane had grown several shades darker, quickly deciding that this had gone on far too long to be healthy. "You seem to be pretty upset, Princess Luna, and unfortunately bone-" she blinked. "That kind of stuff is beyond my expertise. I might have a book about them somewhere around here if you're happy to-"
"NO!" Luna proclaimed, her wings spreading wide and her head held regally. "Your assistance is no longer required, Twilight Sparkle. We are a Princess, and as a Princess we must be self sufficient! Nay, is it Ponyville itself that has wronged us!" Her nostrils flared. "Laugh at my boner will they? Well I'll show them! I'll show them how many boners Princess Luna can make!" She sprung out the door like a cat at it's prey, leaving Twilight to silently contemplate what in Equestria had just happened.
“Some mares have all the luck...” She said with pout.
Luna strode through the streets with refined purpose. Her linguistical expertise may not be quite as extensive as she had first thought, but it did not matter. She was a Princess and her knowledge had come from the most prestigious minds in all of Equestria. She was correct by default as far as she was concerned, regardless of what anypony said to the contrary.
So she would get out there, and by the time she was done this whole town would be gay.
Her first stop would be the one element left she had yet to greet; the pink one. Despite her efforts Luna still had trouble recalling everpony's name, but if memory served her right 'pink one' was an apt description. She did recall that this one was a decent party planner, something Luna felt she sorely needed. Sugarcube Corner was her destination, and for some reason Celestia crossed her mind as she spotted the pastry building at the end of the street.
Waltzing through the doors, Luna was so quick to speak that the bouncing Pinkie Pie wasn't even able to get the first word in.
“Bake us a cake like we used to bake faggots!”
Faggot
Olde Meaning
‘A bundle of sticks bound together as fuel.‘
Pinkie’s face became stone. She then bucked Luna out the doors.
Sprawling through the streets at a surprising speed, Luna came to a halt at the base of a park bench. She heard vague screaming in the distance. “No bigots allowed!” It seemed to be the pink one’s voice.
“This cannot stand,” Luna murmured to herself. She tried to stand up, and promptly banged her head on the bottom of the bench. She fell down face first and simply decided to lay there, much to the bemusement of the ponies walking past. One actually threw change at her.
“Perhaps we have been too zealous in our efforts, no pony seems to be appreciating them.” Luna leaned on a foreleg, her tone quite dramatic. “Perhaps it is simply time to settle down, move out and find a suitable husband.”
“Husband eh? Well Filthy Rich is here to oblige!”
Husband
Olde Meaning
‘Master of the house.’
Luna stood up properly this time, her face appearing appreciative. “You know where we could find a suitable husband, kind sir?” Luna was excited, a pony to organise her dwelling’s affairs would be quite welcome.
Filthy Rich adjusted his coat. “Well not to brag but I have something of a high opinion of myself.” He looked away in thought. If Spoiled wants to run off to Las Pegasus then go ahead! Let’s see her face when she sees I’ve courted a Princess. He approached Luna with wide smirk. “If you’re looking for a husband, Princess, look no further!” He tapped Luna on the rear.
Luna screamed.
“AHH! Unhand our posterior!” Filthy vanished in a flash of magic. “That is a pleasure reserved only to a few!”
When Filthy eventually awoke days later, he considered himself lucky he was only teleported to Baltimare and not the moon. Soon after he was to board a ship to begin his journey home, instead he mistakingly got on the boat to the undiscovered north and wasn’t seen again for years. No pony really noticed.
Back in Ponyville, Luna was more dejected than ever. “Just what is wrong with everypony in this town? I just want to be gay...” She sunk to the floor and cradled her head. “Instead I keep seeing boners.”
If Luna had been paying attention, she would have noticed Lyra Heartstrings sat behind her, on the bench Luna had been banging her head on previously. She looked very confused.
“I’m getting mixed messages here, Princess Luna,” Lyra said, ruffling her mane. She began to smile. “If you’re looking for a good time though, me and Bon Bon could show you one.”
Luna stood up with a smile herself. “Ha ha! Finally, a pony who gets me!” Luna pranced up to Lyra and hugged her tight. Lyra blushed. “Lead on, minty one! Your Princess has desires you may yet satisfy!”
Lyra began to lead Luna to her and Bon Bon’s house; a humble candy store secluded on one of Ponyville’s many streets. Telling Luna to make herself at home, Lyra went upstairs to where Bon Bon apparently was, inviting Luna up herself several minutes later to which Luna obeyed.
Luna fell down the stairs as she made a hasty escape, power walking down the street before breaking into a run. “How is it wearing more clothes is somehow more suggestive than wearing no clothes at all?!” Luna was blushing furiously. “Oh my, the green one is still cuffed to the bed.” Though she pitied the mare, Luna decided to keep running all the way up Canterlot mountain. By the time she reached the throne room, she looked as if she’d returned from war.
Celestia was sat smiling on the throne as normal, though Luna thought she looked rather more devious then usual. “How was your visit to Ponyville, sister?” She suppressed a snigger.
Luna appeared to pout. “I saw boners at every corner. Huge ones, not easily hidden.”
Celestia began to heave trying to not laugh.
Luna looked to the floor downcast, closing her eyes in shame. “We behaved much like a spastic.”
Spastic
Olde Meaning
‘Incompetent or uncoordinated.’
“Not too far off the mark there,” Celestia said under her breath, squeaking as she held in her laughs still. It took several minutes for her to settle down, at one point she even started punching herself. When she eventually gained a semblance of her regality, she approached Luna, laying a hoof on her shoulder. “Despite everything, Luna, the fact that you made the effort is very admirable.” Celestia then flicked her horn; a book flew into sight a second later. “For your next catch up session though, perhaps try something a bit more recent?”
The book was grasped in an instant and Luna hugged Celestia firm. “Thank you, sister! As ever, you are our greatest asset!”
The next morning Luna bucked the dining room doors in once more. Celestia’s held her face firm as she stayed sitting. “Good morning, Luna, how were your studies this time?”
“It’s been a hummer. Before I was beat up, jeff. But I’m hep, off to Ponyville, that joint is jumping.”
Celestia fell off her chair.
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It had to be done. At least the Batmare didn't have to swoop in.
This was just as funny as the first chapter. Great work!
WORTH IT
When I first saw the title my mind immediately thought of the ending in The Flintstones theme song.
It's pretty funny.
I'm surprised none of the fanfic writers decide to go even further with it: a language can change a lot in a thousand years.
As an example, here's the "Pumped up kicks" song in 11 century English:
Imagine Luna coming back in season1 and speaking ACTUAL medieval English, not that Shakespearean stuff.
Though, to be fair, it would be a lot of work for the writer... and most readers wouldn't understand anything. I think I only ever seen one fanfic where the author attempted something similar (both Celestia and Luna were banished and come back 1000 years later, speaking some form of Gaelic).
This was a pleasant little update. I enjoyed the foray into archaic linguistics once again.
I feel that you and I have some very different definitions for soon.
And that, class, is why linguistics isn't a subject you treat with carelessness.
10381917
derpicdn.net/img/view/2017/2/2/1353725.png
We know Old Ponish used futhark runes.
derpicdn.net/img/2017/10/9/1556034/large.png
Was this supposed to say 'boners' rather than 'blunders'?
Does anyone here speak jive?
10381917
That is the most awesome thing I have seen today. "All the other kids with their fancy shoes had better run faster than my bow."
You could reasonably justify Luna using Middle English rather than Old English, I'd say, given the relatively rapid change from the latter to the former. It's almost comprehensible.
10383105
Though apparently just writing modern ponish phonetically in that particular case. :P The few spoken instances of Old Ponish we here are definitely Anglo-Saxon Old English, though. I checked.
This story is a goldmine, more please
!
Thank you very much for reminding me of this masterpiece and blessing us with another chapter.
Second read through was just as fun as the first.
The update we never expected but always needed.
jajajaja this was the best...
Poor Princess Luna. You think she would have looked in a dictionary to see the most relevant useage of some of her favorite words. Or just like...Twilight Sparkle throwing her one going "GO READ THIS!"
10392315
But then we wouldn't have this fic. :(
10402251
True! More Luna Stories = Moar Better <3
10381864
Agreed, as soon as I saw that I was like "DId they reference what I just think they referenced?"
This made me giggle incessantly. Including the definitions of all the words Luna thought she was using was a good idea.
What a wonderful aside.
Also, dayum, Bon-Bon and Lyra are into some kinky stuff. Hopefully Lyra remembered the safeword.
This was an easy fave for a great laugh!
This is probably my favorite line
Now, that was fun! It makes me wonder which of today's common, innocent phrases will be made fun of, or considered vulgar, in future generations. (It also makes me wish there was a Luna emoji.)
This was hilarious, I think Luna should talk to Twilight for a dictionary, a PROPER dictionary.