• Member Since 17th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen 6 hours ago


loves tiaras.


Top three reasons to always use hair conditioner:

1. Soothes hair cuticles for shinier-looking hair.
2. Strengthens the hair shaft and protects against breakage.
3. A unicorn will come and totally chew you out if you don't.

Now with a Spanish translation by Spaniard Kiwi!

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 120 )

new skywriter story yesss, if I wasn't at work I would drop everything and read it right now

I, who am about to die laughing, salute you

I’m gonna be That Guy:

It is common for artists to moisten and shape brushes with their mouths, and there is even a technique for cleaning (and, er, conditioning) oil paintings that uses saliva. So, chances are good that Matisse ate at least a small quantity of oil paint in his life, albeit it was likely not deliberate.


Very nice, you picked the best beings for this, truly.

Dammit Sky! Stahp messin' with muh feels! :fluttercry:

I can't believe I missed the original link. This was great.

What did you change between versions? All I found with a quick skim was "damnit [sic]" to "dangit" (for the E rating, I assume).

That was aggressively cute and I was very upset when it ended.


Also: not only should I thank you for reminding me to update one of my kajillions of random theme shelves, you're actually by far the best fit for it yet. The extent to which this works with either complete or zero knowledge of the show is amazing.

Some font play with the kelpie, and it's now "dog poop" (it wasn't worth t-rating it for the integrity of two cuss words). Mostly the same.

Oh, it's a kelpie! That makes perfect sense.

I never use conditioner, but at least I floss.

No obstacle is too much to stop Rarity from bringing an end to unfabulousness of any kind! :raritywink:

All of that... Because of conditioner.

I can see it happening.

Lovely little ending, too.

~Skeeter The Lurker

You posted it here! :yay:

This is one of those confusingly sweet stories, isn't it?

He's insane and needs help.

I suspect it's not actually our protagonist's hair that the princess-regent cares about. :trollestia:

Glad to see it's finally here!

This was laugh out loud funny

Oh wow, you posted this story here! I was just thinking about it today! ... in the shower.

I used conditioner.

I'm so glad to see you published this!

Did nobody ever tell him that he can use conditioner and shampoo at the same time?

Conditioner = too overrated.

Mass is measured in slugs, Dash.

I just wanted to say this is completely, 100% accurate in my experience.

--Sweetie Belle

This was goddamn amazing. I fucking love it.

Huh, I kinda loved this. I have no idea why, but I really like it quite a bit! Go figure.

Strange but very good. Thumbs up.

This story is strangely amusing.

I read this just after getting out of the shower... Yes, I used conditioner. I am debating the merits of it though. On one hand, it's doing good to my hair. But on the other, no magical, talking ponies to try and talk me into it.

The lesson of this story is that reason #3 is not a very encouraging reason!

That was amusing.
And that ending was pretty heartwartming as well :twilightsmile:

... I have a strange urge to start conditioning now.

"I," it explained, "am a unicorn. I have been sent here from my idyllic land across the starry fissures between dimensions on a mission of utmost importance, which is to say: to get you to properly use hair conditioner."

*shrugs* Seems legit!

It's an actual reason! Which already raises this story above most pony-on-earth stuff! :rainbowlaugh:

"Shower at night, then! Right as soon as you get home, so your hair has plenty of time to dry before bed.

I always shower at night.

That way the MRSA cannot infest my bed...

Think about it... every bacterium you pick up during the day creeps off into your sheets at night... and waits... joining to microbial armada just above your mattress in preparation for the day they march back and infest you!

Hence why I now bathe in bleach, wear Kleenex boxes on my feet, and save jars of urine! :pinkiecrazy:

"Horse," said the pegasus, "everyone uses kilograms. In the whole entire universe. I don't know why you Americans have to be so weird about it."

Hmph! Base 10 is for mental midgets!

I calculate everything in a different base system each time I perform an equation!

Yes, I have mastered all the bases and ensured that my minions here in America have done the same!

Why, you could say that "All your bases are belong to us."

*groaning and gnashing of teeth* :trollestia:

"Our heritage also shows in our diet. We are omnivores and, while we graze, we also relish the meat of monkey-creatures. But don't worry; I shan't eat you."

I know some people who would find this disappointing... :pinkiecrazy:

Anyway, a fantasy story with a unique concept, entirely self-contained and which could stand entirely on its own as a wonderful work of fiction even without Pony.

Bravo, indeed!

*Alondro bestows a Holy Like upon the story, fountains of wine and this really good dessert sherry made with Pedro Ximenez grapes from Spain... I mean, this stuff is like the nectar of the gods, it's so amazing... where was I? Oh right, angels, choruses, beams of divine light, blah blah blah, have your 'like'. I'm gonna go drink more of that stuff.*

3. A unicorn will come and totally chew you out if you don't.

Good reason.

Wait? What?

You are the lone ship in a sea of emberxspike fics.

Walk swiftly my child.

... and after his flossing habits, she really ought to bring him up on washing his face with bar soap. That totes causes spots, you know. Clogs the pores and everything.

Really, he's more or less stuck with her for life.

Maybe I'll capture some of those sweet, sweet backlash clicks.

It is just me or is this the process of drug addiction?

That metrication joke gets funnier every time I read it.

Incidentally, I wrote a review of this story ages and ages ago when you originally posted it on your other blog, though I feel like I didn't quite do it justice the last time.

Still, I'm glad to see it is being read and enjoyed by folks here on FIMFiction. :heart:

The voice gave a disbelieving series of sputters that sounded uncomfortably like a white person from the 1980s attempting to beatbox the opening of a rap song.

I'll just leave this here:

In any case, I'm glad to see this here. It's still that lovely blend of surreal, hilarious, and heartwarming that I fondly remember from your blog. Thank you for it.

Despite the humorous prompt, I love how you always manage to weave a good amount of humanity/equinity into your stories. Seeing the lonely human gradually becoming smitten by talking, (not) imaginary horses was really charming. I hope that they're able to help him improve more than just his hygienic life. :)

7144016 It certainly caught my attention. 'Dragons, dragon porn, more dragon porn, more dragons, a- story about conditioner? The fuck?'

Glad I gave in to my curiosity!

You got mine!

*backlashing noises*

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