Before Luna became Nightmare Moon, there was Discord, and before there was Discord there was Sombra, the tyrant King of the North. He was the only foe who was vanquished without the Elements, but by the Two Sisters with divine magic all their own. They lost a city; it was taken by the mad king's magic.
After years among the three pony tribes, the Two Sisters fight their first great foe all by themselves: King Sombra, the tyrant King of the Crystal Empire. Nothing goes as planned, everything, and everypony are not as they seem.
The price for this oversight is the future.
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Proofread and edited by Gay for Gadot.
Chapters (3)
Not bad. The atmosphere and plot are all here; it just needs cleaned up, smoothed out, and sorted a bit so that it flows nicely. I wasn't a huge fan of the abrupt shift in Celestia's character to an emotionless ruler who doesn't seem to care a lick about her sister. The way she's acted in the show, it seems like she would always feel some affection for Luna, even if she doesn't necessarily pay attention to her.
Also, I suggest obtaining a more reliable editor, because there are a lot of stumbles and mistakes here that should have been caught.
Great story! You put a lot of effort in there
After lightly skimming it seems like it could be a nice book, however the people who down vote this likely hate the ideas mentioned. Some of them are not very popular amongst the audience. Either way, it's a great read!
When I was reading the parts in Celestia's point of view, I was really sickened by here world view. Her current morals are exactly the kind of thing that makes a villain.
I can't wait to hear about her redemption.
Also, I really loved how you depicted Sombra's use of magic. It did an amazing job of showing that he knew how to use magic better than the sisters. His intelligence and strategy were able to epically defeat Celestia, who just charged in like an idiot.
I enjoyed reading this, especially since it gave me some extra food for thought.
Cheers.
7393556 Thanks! Celestia goes through a bad phase in her life, and here it is: the Crusader Princess. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
7394500 Did someone say Crusade?
img.memecdn.com/crusaders-the-original-isis_c_4383373.jpg
Before I read this, what is the Dark tag for ?
And how bad does it get ?
8128525 There's fighting, tyrants, dystopias, and all sorts of things. The description pretty much hints at it.
8494101
Shit, um, just go with this one instead. Hope that helps!
Was fun reading and editing this one. Loved the look at Luna and Celestia's past, the origins of Sombra and Onyx, the differences between Celly/Luna's approaches and what they experienced at Sombra's hooves (and how that changed their relationship). The kiss was very out of left field for me, but I think it worked. Also enjoyed seeing Luna wielding a sword. Great work!
10635628
Thank you for all your hard work on this. I know that my original, slightly-brushed-up 2017 prose must have been hell to whip into shape for 2021, even if this was one of my best stories from that time. I'm really satisfied with the end result. 🖤