Not With A Bang...
“What do you intend to tell her?”
Princess Celestia took a quiet sip of tea, contemplating the day before her. What to tell Twilight, indeed. This was a sensitive subject, and tackling it without a plan would be a very bad idea. Unlike, say, particle physics, this was a rather complicated problem.
“I think I will tell her the truth, Sister,” said Celestia.
“It will crush her,” said Luna. Celestia nodded.
“As the truth often does. But I've never been especially good at lying to Twilight, even when she was just a filly. Now, when she is a proper mare with knowledge and power eclipsing our own, my poker face stands no chance. Besides, as her elders, it is our duty to teach her lessons such as this.”
Luna nodded, though she wasn’t fond of being the one to teach it. When Celestia first showed her the letter from the youngest princess, Luna knew things would end poorly.
“Or you could just lie.”
“No, Luna, I’m not going to lie to Twilight,” said Celestia.
“And why am I here, exactly?” asked Luna. “She's your student, after all.”
“I imagine that you can help to fill in any gaps. Get ready. She'll be here any minute now.”
Celestia sipped her tea, the new silence broken only by the light tapping of hooves outside of the throne room. The steps grew louder and closer, stopping just outside of the door. There were three quick knocks, after which Celestia gripped the door with her magical aura and pulled it open.
“Hello, Twilight,” said Celestia with a small smile. “Please, do come in.”
“Hello, Celestia, Luna,” Twilight said, sauntering into the room. "It's great to see you both.”
“We return the sentiment,” said Luna. “Come, have a seat.” Luna lit up her horn and manufactured a busted, dingy lawn chair.
“Very funny, Sister,” said Celestia. She used her magic to turn the lawn chair into a large throne. “So, Twilight. I believe you had a question for us?”
Twilight nodded, taking a seat across from the princesses. As delighted as she was to be visiting her friends, she couldn't quite understand why she was there.
“Yes. Not that I'm complaining, but I figured you could answer this question through a letter,” said Twilight. “I'm sure you have your reasons. Basically, what I wanted to ask was…” Twilight noticed that Celestia looked almost nervous, which was never good.
“Whatever happened to Starswirl the Bearded?”
Celestia sighed. Even though she knew what Twilight was going to ask, she still found herself stressed about it. She produced a tea kettle by magic, and used it to fill her own cup. Almost as an afterthought, she poured one out for Twilight.
“What do you know about Starswirl the Bearded?” asked Celestia. Instantly, the student in Twilight surfaced. She barely resisted the urge to raise her hoof.
“I know that he's one of—if not the absolute—best unicorn mage in history,” said Twilight. “Pioneer in Cutie Mark magic and time spells. Advisor to Princess Platinum and arguably the greatest hero to ever grace Equestria outside of… Well, us.”
“Yes, Starswirl was indeed one of Equestria’s greatest heroes,” said Luna. “He vanquished evils the like of which have scarcely seen before or since.”
“Of course. So, what happened to him? He sort of just fell out of history.” Twilight fidgeted slightly in her seat. “How’d he die?”
“Before we cover the death of Equestria’s greatest hero, we should first cover his birth.”
Arcane Justice screamed in absolute agony. Every fiber of her being burned with the searing hot pain only known by a mother-to-be. Her husband was in the basement, trying to keep the lava from erupting into the house. The spell he had cast on the roof to keep the rain and wind out seemed to be holding relatively well (the water only barely went up to knee level). The midwife and doctor, both unicorns, looked at each other, neither of them knowing what to do. Equestria was a strange place, so they had been used to birthing foals in strange locations and conditions. However, neither of them had been forced to work in the epicenter of a hurricane or with a volcano going off beneath them.
“GET OUT OF MY BODY, DEMONSPAWN!” shouted Arcane.
“Madam Justice, please calm down,” begged the midwife. Suddenly, she felt a hoof wrap itself around her throat. Arcane dragged her midwife forward until they were nearly touching noses.
“I have been giving birth for ninety days!” snapped Arcane. “If somepony else tells me to calm down, I swear to the goddess above, I will—”
The doctor fired a spell from his horn, impacting Arcane in the chest and sedating her. The midwife backed away, clutching her neck and choking breath back into her lungs.
“Has it really been ninety whole days, Doctor?” asked the midwife. As she spoke, twelve separate bolts of lightning struck the house.
“Technically, it’s been ninety-four days, seventeen hours, and twenty-two minutes,” sighed the doctor, rubbing his temples.”But who's counting?”
“Why is it taking so long? Are we even certain there’s a baby in there?” asked the midwife. The doctor glanced at Arcane’s massively round belly, then to his assistant, then back to Arcane's belly. He raised a questioning eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m quite certain. As for why it’s taking so long…” The doctor shook his head, willing some forgotten scrap of his training to tumble forward and save him. “I haven’t the foggiest. We may have to attempt another caesarean.”
“What happened the last time you attempted?”
“I had to replace my midwife.” The doctor was about to go about to gather the materials needed for the procedure when something amazing happened. Arcane’s belly was suddenly gripped with a blinding white light. The house, the country, the very planet trembled under the magnitude of the moment.
Sixteen more bolts of lightning hit the house, and—through what the greatest minds of that age called “some sort of goddamn miracle”—Arcane was awake, her pain was gone, and, in her hooves, was a strong, healthy, crying baby colt. His coat was a shimmery silver, his mane a bright ivory, and his eyes a brilliant, stunning gold. On his chin was a little tuft of alabaster hair.
The rain ceased, the lava retreated, and Arcane held her son up to get a proper look at him.
“Starswirl the Bearded,” she whispered. “My son, Starswirl the Bearded.”
“So you’re telling me that Starswirl teleported out of his mother’s womb?” asked Twilight. Celestia and Luna shared a small grin, then nodded.
“His magic was so off the charts that the idea of a normal, mundane, natural birth made him sick to his newborn stomach,” said Celestia. “And so, he decided he would enter this world the way that he wanted.”
“Starswirl always had a flair for the dramatic,” said Luna. “He used to make us call him ‘Archmage Starswirl the Bearded, yes, you have to say the whole thing’. And yes, we had to say the whole thing. Even the ‘you have to say the whole thing’ part.”
“Wait, wait, wait. I don’t understand. Arcane Justice was in labor for three months?” asked Twilight. “How is that possible? And what was the deal with the lightning and the lava? Was that him, too?”
“So it was.”
“Princess?”
“Yes, Twilight?”
“You’re full of baloney.”
Celestia snickered. If Twilight thought that was absurd, she would have no words for the next story.
“In any case, Starswirl was born under some strange circumstances,” said Celestia. “He was born more magically adept than I am today. He vanquished a great many evils. Eradicated the Darkness from Equestria, bested the demon known as Famine, slayed the evil ocean, cast down a lich king, defeated the Count of Fire, saved a princess of a land of sugar. Also, he fought a bear. What else?”
“Hoof-wrestled Satan,” added Luna.
“Ah, yes, hoof-wrestled Satan, the list goes on and on,” said Celestia. Twilight very nearly dropped her teacup.
“He hoof-wrestled Satan?” asked Twilight. Celestia chuckled, then refilled her tea.
“It has been many years since I’ve heard this story, Luna,” said Celestia. “Perhaps you would like to tell it?” Luna nodded. This was one of her favorite stories.
“It all began on my twenty-first birthday,” said Luna. “To celebrate my ability to now legally consume alcohol, Starswirl invited me to a pub crawl. The first pub we visited, and Starswirl realized…”
“What do you mean? How can you be broke?” demanded Luna. “What happened to all of those bits you earned from turning that moon into platinum?”
“I made the mistake of offering to buy your sister a drink,” remarked Starswirl. “That mare is walking that fine line between fun filly and alcoholic.”
“So what now? Do we return home?”
“Nah. I’ll just have to wrangle up some funds, and I know just how,” said Starswirl. Right there in the bar, he twirled his horn through the air and fired a golden beam of magic forward. His spell ripped the very fabric of the world before him. The window displayed a burning red landscape with tall, thin spires of blood-red stone dominating most of the area.
“A transdimensional portal?” asked Luna. “To where?”
“Oh, just to visit an old friend. He owes me money, and I figured now would be a swell time to collect.” Starswirl beckoned for Luna to follow, then stepped through the portal. The doorway collapsed behind them, revealing a large castle of purplish-black stone. The drawbridge had been lowered over the moat of frothy, screaming water. Starswirl led Luna across the bridge and into the greeting hall. Besides the suits of armor lining the wall, and the heads of vanquished beasts mounted, they were met with a dark red unicorn stallion in a deep plum-purple suit. His mane was long and neat, tied into a tight ponytail. He gave off a bizarre aroma, something of a mix of blood and lavender.
“Ah, everyone’s favorite demonic metrosexual,” said Starswirl with a grin. “Hello, Lucy. It’s quite nice of you to leave the door open for us.”
“Starswirl the Bearded. My old friend. It’s good to see you,” said the stallion with a good-natured chuckle. “But if you call me that again, I will make your life a—”
“A living hell, yeah, I get it.” Starswirl rolled his eyes. Some things never change. “So, Lucy, this is my friend, Princess Luna of Equestria.”
“Greetings, sire,” said Luna, bowing slightly. “What may I call you?”
“I have many names. I prefer Satan,” said the stallion, returning the bow. Luna’s eyes grew wide. She glanced from Starswirl to Satan to Starswirl again.
“Is everything okay, Luna?” asked Starswirl.
“Er… Surely ‘Satan’ is a nickname or title of sorts. Right?” asked Luna. Starswirl whistled a little tune, apparently ignoring Luna. “Surely you jest!”
“I am, indeed, the Devil. But only from nine to five,” said Satan. He reached into his breast pocket and withdrew a flask, which he drank from. “Right now, I’m off the clock. What do you want, Starswirl?”
“I was in the neighborhood, about to start a bar hop with Luna here, when I remembered something,” said Starswirl. “You owe me… twelve-hundred bits, if I recall.”
“How does the Devil owe you twelve hundred bits?” asked Luna.
“Poker,” said Satan simply. “You would think that I, the epitome of sin and greed, would actually be good.”
“Sadly, Lucy has a very subtle tell that I’ve picked up on over the years,” said Starswirl with a smirk. “He bursts into flames whenever he’s bluffing.” Angry red flames engulfed Satan, bathing the room with warmth and light.
“I do not!” he shouted. Starswirl rolled his eyes, conjured a bucket of water, and doused Satan.
“Poker aside, you owe me quite a bit of money.” Starswirl held out his hoof. “I’ll just collect your debt and be on my way.”
Satan peered at Starswirl with intrigue. Friends they were, Satan always wished Starswirl was a bit less heroic. A soul like Starswirl’s would complete any collection, and Satan couldn’t think of a better piece de resistance. A sinister grin spread across his face, a plan forming in his mind.
“I’ll pay you, Starswirl. If you can beat me at one last game,” said Satan. “If you win, I’ll pay my debt. If I win—”
“He’s going to ask for my soul,” Starswirl whispered to Luna.
“I want your… See, why did you have to ruin the moment?” grumbled Satan. “You could’ve just let me finish, but… Yes, I want your soul.”
“Why would I make this deal?”
“Double or nothing. Twenty-four grand or your soul. Seems like fair stakes to me.”
Starswirl looked to Luna for advice. Her face was screaming at him to decline. This deal was far from worth it, and it was foolish to even consider. Starswirl nodded, agreeing with all of those points.
“What’s the game, Lucy?” asked Starswirl. Satan ripped off his suit and began to grow and change shape. His forehooves lengthened into arms, his hooves into hands with thick, strong fingers. His middle twisted and shaped Satan into a biped with long, thick, tree trunk-like arms and long, toned legs. His single horn split into two and moved around his head, curving and resting above either temple. With a snap of his mighty fingers, a snap that shook the very world in which they resided, a large black table melted from the floor. Satan dropped his massive elbow onto the table, which barely resisted shattering under his awesome weight.
“Well, this is unfair,” said Starswirl. “Me against a minotaur? Such a rare creature, too. I’d hate to hurt one, even if it is just Lucy in disguise.” Starswirl dropped his forehoof onto the table, wrapping it around Satan’s hand.
“Ready?” asked Satan.
“Sure. Luna, would you mind giving us a countdown?”
“Er… Of course…” Luna could not believe this was happening. “Three… Two… One… Go!”
Starswirl flicked his wrist, slamming Satan’s hand down, through the table, castle floor, and about four feet deep into the ground.
“Where’s your wallet?” asked Starswirl, barely stifling a yawn.
“He slammed the Devil through the ground?” asked Twilight. “How is that possible?! All accounts of him agreed he was average build at best! Did he cheat?”
“Nay. I’d not have believed it myself, had I not witnessed it with my own eyes,” said Luna. “It was awe-inspiring.”
“So, as you can see, Starswirl was a very powerful unicorn,” said Celestia. “That is what you should remember more than anything.” Twilight was steadily getting more suspicious. It wasn’t like Celestia to dodge her question for this long.
“Princess? Why are you afraid to tell me how he died?” asked Twilight. Celestia tapped her hoof, letting out a tired sigh. Twilight truly was too perceptive for this approach. Celestia would need to to be more direct.
“I didn’t want you to think any less of him. He truly was a great hero,” promised Celestia. “However… His death was a bit…”
“Anti-climactic,” supplied Luna.
“Precisely. He actually died during the battle against King Sombra.” Twilight’s eyes grew bright with intrigue. She quickly flipped through her mental library, trying to recall if she had read anything about Starswirl even being in the Crystal Empire.
“Sombra killed him?” asked Twilight. Celestia and Luna shared an uncomfortable sort of look.
“Well… Not exactly…”
Well, then how did he die?"
"We aren't absolutely positive, as we weren't there," said Luna. "But, based on what we could scrounge from accounts of ponies before the Empire vanished, we have a fairly concrete account of things."
“Hold him back!” called Starswirl, running through the dark, gloomy streets of the Crystal Empire. “I’ll secure the Heart!”
“Be safe, Starswirl,” said Luna. She took wing, flying straight for the black stallion at the top of the tower before them. Celestia spared a look of concern for Starswirl, then took off after her sister. Starswirl moved slower than he used to, but not because of his age. Quite the opposite, actually. Even though he was nearing fifty-three, he was just as quick and strong as he was when he was twenty, perhaps even more so. However, his long white beard was now so long that he risked stepping on it if he wasn’t too careful.
“Starswirl!” shouted Celestia, dodging a blast of energy from Sombra’s horn. “Hurry!”
Starswirl nodded, then booked it into the castle. A quick series of spells revealed the location of the Crystal Heart: The topmost floor. Starswirl began up the long winding flight of stairs, stretching up for ages. He could hear the battle around him, each blast of magic and evil cackle stirring a fire in his chest. Starswirl wanted nothing more than to be out in the thick of things. He could probably defeat Sombra in mere moments, but opted to let the princesses give it a go. It was only fair. He did slay that Buttermilk Demon for them, after all.
As Starswirl reached the top of the staircase, he stepped into a large, round room. There, floating between two spikes of crystal, was the artifact that he had been looking for. He grabbed it with his magic and hovered it over to him.
“And boom goes the dynamite,” said Starswirl. Now that he had the Heart, and the battle was still raging, Starswirl could justifiably enter the fray. Giggling like a schoolfilly, he took off at a full gallop for the stairs. He was already charging up his horn with a stunning spell when he made a horrible misstep. As he ran, his hoof pinned his beard to the ground. He tripped forward and skidded across the slick crystal floors.
Right down the stairs.
“Oof! Umph! Grmph!”
“Are you serious?” Twilight couldn’t believe her ears. “You have got to be kidding me!”
“From what we could tell, he was falling for three minutes,” said Celestia. "We never personally saw it, but somepony apparently wrote it down."
“He didn’t die doing some sort of dangerous spell?” asked Twilight. Celestia shook her head. “He… He fell down a flight of stairs.”
“That is about the size of it, yes,” said Luna with a small nod. “Not the most fitting end for a hero that great.”
“Not the most fitting end for anypony! I can’t believe this! Why did you tell me that?!” demanded Twilight.
“You asked,” said Celestia. “What would you rather me do?”
“Lie! You should’ve just lied!”
“I hate to say ‘I told you so’, but… Wait, no, that’s not true,” said Luna. “I love saying that. I told you so.”
“Yes, you did tell me, didn’t you?”
Twilight rose from her throne, the weight of this revelation too much to take sitting. Her hero, the stallion that she had idolized from a young age… He had the absolute lamest death in history.
“I’m sorry, it’s just… I don’t know what to do with this information,” said Twilight. “I’ve always wanted to be just like Starswirl, but I don’t want to die by stairs!”
“The beauty of history is that it is behind you,” said Celestia. “You can see the mistakes made, and you can rectify them.”
“I am sure your death will be as dramatic as it is honorable,” said Luna. Twilight nodded, even though she barely heard them. This was not possible. There was no way in Equestria that her idol died like that.
“I think I just need some time to absorb this,” said Twilight. “Thank you, Princesses. I’ll write to you soon.”
Twilight dejectedly trotted from her seat and to the door, pushing it open and stepping into the hall. She knew the castle well, so she was able to traverse it mostly without conscious thought. With her body on autopilot, Twilight stewed over her hero. She would have to get rid of all of her Starswirl the Bearded books, retire her costume forever, destroy her fanfictions.
“Maybe Celestia is right,” said Twilight to herself. “I can be just as heroic as Starswirl, but without the lame death! I’m not going to make the same mistakes he did. I’m going to—”
Not paying attention, Twilight didn’t realize that she had already made it to the top of the stairs that led down to the castle entrance. Consumed in her conversation with herself, she took a bad step and tumbled down the stairs.
“Oof! Umph! Grmph!”
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Well, lesson learned I guess. Even the great ones have accidents. Still think Celestia and Luna might have been making half the story up though... Then again, with that scene at the beginning...
So DelIghted.
Roooooll credits *ding*.
Why the F*ck you lying? Why you always lying? MMMMMM Oh my god. Stop f*cking lying!
GET. THE. TAAAAAABBLEEEEEEEES!
Also, HE FOUGHT A BEAR!
Okay, all that's out of the way, I can tell you that this story was HI-larious. The lightning bolts hitting the house, the satanic small talk, all of it was amazing. Especially the end.
GG, son.
This was genuinely entertaining.
1pun.ch/img/thumbsup.gif
The whole scene with Starswirl and Satan got me for some reason.
7133502 I was tempted to just straight up call him Billy, but I couldn't find a way for the joke to work.
7133506 Thank you, Mumen Rider
7133518 I just replied to a comment with Mumen Rider in it, and your name is One Punch Man. This is strange to me.
Glad you enjoyed. That's probably my favorite section.
It would have been an awesome crackfic if she died at the end.
Pretty Cheesy.
7133984 I dunno, I thought it was pretty gouda.
Sorry, I'll just show myself out.
7133502 Nice to see someone here who watches CinemaSins. Good reference!
7133531 It is the best bit, especially "Where's your wallet?"
I wish I could write like this...
7134207 Give Conjure no credit for the CinemaSins thing. He only knows about it because of me
As for writing like this... You don't. My stories are a mess. Most anyone can do better than me.
Stupid deaths, Stupid deaths, they're funny 'cause their true!
Stupid deaths, stupid deaths hope next time it's not you!
I could just imagine a Horrible Histories Equestria version of this...
That is absolutely hilarious! I love dramatic deaths as much as anyone--maybe even more--but there's definitely something to be said for a dramatic character dying from a ridiculous, pathetic cause at the absolute worst moment. I'll probably die by falling off a stage or walking into a prop sword or something.
7138227 I imagine that my own death will be either the most epic event—with explosions and flames in the background— or a completely flaccid disappointment. Probably involving a kettle of hot tea.
7138279 In my most epic and unlikely hopes, I tend to imagine myself sprawled on a battlefield, dying from a sword wound to the stomach after doing some heroic but fatal thing like taking the blow for someone more important. Then I gasp out a few sarcastic words like, "Well, at least I'll be rid of you nutters now" or "Huh... I never expected this would actually happen. Go figure," before my eyes roll back in my head and I make some horrible rasping noise, sticking out my tongue, and die.
But in all likelihood, it'll probably be cancer.
I just love how it's one of those almost Aardman-esque deaths (Stage Fright, anyone?) that are foreshadowed in a hilarious way (Sombra's stair fetish) and the payoff, whilst dark, is beautifully funny. Well done, good sir!
"He was falling for three minutes"
Okay, now that just makes me think of Sideshow Bob. XD
Well it's certainly better than the way I killed him off. I had Starswirl eaten by zombie rats.
7147721 I wholeheartedly disagree. Zombie rats? At least that's unique. Stairs, everybody's got stairs.
7147723 Thanks but yours was amusing.
I hate to be that person but as funny as the ending was it was annoying for me to see death by falling down stairs as being regarded as lame at the end of the story. My grandmother died falling down the stairs. The ending to the story is funny but the fact that it was called lame kind of hurt for me.
I think there's one too many about's here.
Also, this was funny.
7163586 Not to be a dick, but you should probably get over it. I'm sorry about your grandmother, but you've got to admit that it's a lame death. Tragic? Sure. Epic and explosive? Not so much.
That is one magnificent beard alright.
Ooh, title drop.
By this point, I'm expecting him to have drowned in his own toilet while having a wank or something. That's the only thing that could out-lame this.
Yeah, that was inadequately lame. I am disappoint.
Few weeks later, she's reading while flying, hits a wall at mock 6. Death by flying into a wall.